I really am lost without Johnny and it's something I am openly admitting on my blog. Something I normally would not do, because disclosure of my emotions towards a man is difficult for me. I can't deny how jealous I am of some people's relationships and I know that is sinful and I shouldn't, but I'm human and sometimes I can not deny the fact that I miss my boyfriend. That I wish I could cuddle with him any night that I would like. That I want to be able to spend beautiful days in Chicago with the love of my life. That I'm not somewhat scared not having him here with me when everything is certain. I suppose nothing is entirely certain and that life is full of uncertainties, but I miss my boyfriend. It doesn't help that I live right next to O'Hare and every five minutes I see a plane and think of how excited he gets and his adorable smile when he sees one. Whenever I think of him seeing an airplane I always feel happy, because I think of how adorable he is and how passionate he is. It's a bittersweet feeling though because I can't actually see him glowing over an airplane, I just have to envision it. Or that half the places in Chicago are called Johnnies. I know that I have to be strong, but seeing half my friends married or engaged on facebook is not helping my cause.
My friend's boyfriend is currently away and she is acting devastated. He's only gone for a few weeks and then will go right back to living with her and being with her 24/7. I wish I only had to deal with not having Johnny here for 2 weeks. I have to go months without seeing him and have to keep strong even when I'm lonely. My friends help me a lot and I am so grateful to have them in my life. They really are my best friends and I feel as though they are blood. I think they feel bad about my situation too, because Matt said tonight "We all have our issues with guys right now, Lexy found the perfect boy for her and he lives in Arizona." That's how I feel too when I am with my boyfriend I feel as though everything is perfect. I wouldn't have it any other way and never want him to leave. When he does it's the most painful experience, because I know how much I am going to miss him. He's worth the wait each time I get to see him again, but I get lonely and miss him deeply. It really is one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with and it is really testing my strength. I am not accustomed to being away from someone. My relationships consisted of me seeing someone at least once a week, but typically it was more. My last relationship I saw the boy minimum of 4 days a week and I thought it was bad being 40 minutes away, but nothing can compare to this.
I'm always afraid to talk about how I feel about a guy. I've always been hesitant to tell my friends if I like someone, because I am so used to dealing with disappointment. I find it extremely hard to not talk about Johnny and tell them how I feel. I tell them my doubts, my feelings, and how much I love him. It's vulnerable for me and sometimes I wonder if it's the wisest decision. I trust Johnny completely, but we can not predict the future. I have put myself 100% into this relationship and I don't think I've ever done that before. No I know I've never done that before. It scares me, but also makes me so excited for what is to come. I just wish my boyfriend where here I love Chicago so much and being with him in my hometown makes everything feel complete. I don't care where I was as long as I was with him, but whenever he is here it feels more like home. It's so amazing to find someone you feel so comfortable with and that you trust completely. When I'm with him I feel like nothing can hurt me and have a constant smile on my face. Even if it's not on the outside it's inside. When he even puts his arm around me I get butterflies in my stomach and when he kisses me I feel like the world stops. Just describing this is making me miss him even more, but I feel like I need to expel some of my emotions instead of keeping them locked up inside.
Love is the most beautiful gift that was ever given to me. I have the love of the most amazing man I have ever met and who I want to continue to share memories with. Love has been given to me unconditionally by parents who never cease to disappoint me and continue to be a positive influence in my life. My friends love me more than I deserve and I love them just as much. They are my family away from my family and I am grateful for their moral support with each step I take in life. Today we sat by the pool and swam together. My friends did my hair and made me feel good about myself. We went to dinner and pigged out and didn't care about being judged or being considered "fatties", because we love each other just the way we are. The rest of the night we snuggled, cuddled, told each other how much we loved each other, chit chatted about life, and played video game. It was one of the most satisfying and enjoyable evenings I've had in a while and helped me get out of this loneliness that I've felt since Johnny left. I know that in time things will work out the way they are meant to be. I'm grateful to have the people that I do and I can't wait to see my boyfriend again. Until then I'll miss him, but still be just as in love as ever. I just want everyone to know that I love them all, and to never give up on love no matter how difficult things may seem. Love will conquer all if it's true love that's one thing I can be certain of.
Sincerely Me,
Johnny's Girl <3
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