Forgive me dear blog for quite some days have passed and I have left you dry of newly compiled words. You're sole purpose in life is to await my fingers to press gently across the keyboard writing about the trials and tribulations of everyday life and alas I have failed you. I have left your purpose meaningless, but you continue to stay active waiting. I have been really working hard to understand what exactly I want to do for my thesis and I have written a good 10 pages that I am completely satisfied and proud of. I don't feel prepared to continue to my slew of information just yet, because I feel as though I am lacking the capabilities to write a fluid and real substantial piece that will speak to the world on some great level. I know that with a masters thesis there is no dire need to create a piece which will change the world, but I'd at least to feel as though it changed my life in some way. My introduction has done that thus far, but I'm concerned about my methods and literature review even after my long discussion with my fantabulous thesis director.
I've been doing a lot of praying lately and my answers I feel are being answered, but I have this fear that is overtaking me and it is consuming my every will to do what I feel is right. It's as though I was born to constantly be in battle with myself due to not only the amount of close minded individuals that surround me, but because I'm afraid to make huge decisions for myself. I know that ultimately I must listen to myself in the end and I suppose that is what I really need to do for my thesis as well. I just struggle with that one aspect so much. I cater to make others happy, I want to make the world happy. I was reading a scholarly article by Barbara Jago (2002) which describes her battle with depression. I don't have depression, but I can relate to that struggle and battle that she experiences with her depression. My battle is with my strong desire to make others happy and making decisions solely based off of that. I live in fear of nearly every little thing, constantly analyzing this life and attempting to make sense of how others will feel if I react or respond in such and such ways.
I guess that's why I value my relationship with g-d and always have, because he listens to me and does not judge me. I don't have to make him happy all the time, because he will forgive me as long as I do the right things and try not too stray too far from my path. It's funny because you want so desperately to make something of yourself and make others proud, but it isn't always easy. I want to be an academic more than anything I feel as though it is my calling. I question my abilities and often find my writing to be useless and I hate that I am so hard on myself. I long to travel all over and discuss my research, because that is what makes my research feel so much more real and rewarding is being able to talk about it opposed to just having it published all over and never getting to speak of it. I can't afford to go to conferences I barely make money at the University and now I have another fear which has cost me a fortune. I question whether I will have the strength in me to leave and go to a different University away from my parents. I'm more concerned about what makes them happy and I fear if I leave I will be lost, poor, and alone.
I know I have to just follow my heart and keep confiding in the Lord and looking for the answers that are true and needed. Life isn't always simple and these articles discussing scholars difficulties in academia gives me hope that one day I will be able to be them. One day I will be cited and known in the academic world. I pray and hope for that day to come and I pray I have the strength to figure out what I will be doing with my life in the near future.
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe
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