Just going to stand there and watch me burn.

But that's alright, because I love the way it hurts. Just gunna stand there and hear my cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie. Love the way you lie.

I typically am not a fan of rap music because it simply is too distasteful for my taste. I mean someone who is fighting to eradicate women being looked at purely sexual objects and treated as though they are in fact objects should be completely and utterly disgusted with the genre of music. Plus endless slews of vulgarities is not very attractive. Though I find these vulgarities and getting with the "b" quite disturbing I always look at an artist like Eminem and can't help but respect him for his talent. His new album is currently the number one slot and this is not shocking to me in the least bit. His songs actually speak and raise awareness and I truthfully believe this. This song is meant to raise awareness of domestic violence (from what I have interpreted and analyzed it to do) and I think that it shows the other side of domestic violence. It paints the picture of what a real life unhealthy relationship is and allows people to see how painful it can. This song is emotional and as my friend and I listened to it repeatedly in our car parked in the forest across from my place we couldn't help but get emotional and speak about our own lives. It was a beautiful thing and I realized something about myself in that car speaking openly finally about my life. Telling them both what I have done in the past that has actually driven me off the deep end. Explaining how awful it is to hold onto feelings and get involved with someone just as a "flings".

From my experience a fling involves emotions whether you want to deny it or not. Someone or both parties always have feelings for the other or each other. In the end you feel as though you have just wasted your time and feel disgusted with yourself for being so foolish. In that car I realized how proud of myself I was and how strong I was for all that I had given up and stopped putting up with this year. No matter how strong I appeared to be during that period of "giving up" I was not. I was miserable. I didn't feel beautiful at all and I really believed I would be alone forever. I figured my intelligence had doomed me to never be able to be "normal", but then I remembered reading an academic piece (which I can not recall currently) that questioned what normalcy really was. Everyone see's normal in a different way. What I find normal my friends informed me was NOT normal. That I was becoming the "pushing away" type. That I typically insult people without even realizing I am doing it. I could blame my relationships for that or my family or even reading too much, but that would be silly. Of course life experiences do influence your life they shape who you are they do not define you, but the difference here is the term shape. Shape means to transform and sculpt into; whereas, define means to become definite. In other words, someone becomes their past and lives in it. They allow their experiences to permanently mold them into something. Shaping just means molding you differently into something new and fresh.

I've been stuck somewhere in the middle and I am not going to blame my past for it. I am going to blame myself, because that is really the only person to blame in the end. I know this is going to sound really emo as people would say and I am skeptical to expose myself to such vulnerability through a simple little blog, but it was my own insecurity and fear that held me back my entire life. I always secretly envied people who could just take off and do whatever they wanted in life. I always felt as though I had some sort of responsibility and that I had to take care of things. In a sense I do more so then a lot of people my age, but that does not mean I have to put my own life on hault. I'm extremely afraid the next portion I am about to admit, but it has something I have needed to just let out for a while.

I never felt beautiful. By never I mean not ever until now that is. My first relationship was a persons worst nightmare and ruined my conception of what a relationship was. I felt ugly, betrayed, hurt, and afraid. I was unsure if anyone would ever love me as much as he did. I become a dependent something I never wanted to become. Something I grew to hate and from then on I was afraid to talk to another male, he controlled me. He convinced me that I was never going to find anyone to ever stick around with me. I believed him and stayed and got myself in a situation that was huge precursor for what my future would become and who I would be for a long time. I can't say it was all so bad, because I found writing because of it all. It began as horror stories that reflected my own life. It was a way for me to vent without having to tell anyone my troubles. It was a way to keep that pretty smile on my face when I didn't think that pretty smile could last or be convincing enough to others. I didn't want people to know my private life for a long time. I kept it all bottled away and began to become withdrawn from people slowly as he became more and more controlling.

After years of self-hatred and pain I left. I left and was stalked. I had been afraid for quite a while after that and I still sometimes feel threatened. It took a lot of help from friends and my family to get back on my feet and when I did I realized what my duty was in life. I was here to help others who had to suffer from anything I experienced. I knew it was my duty to help not only people who needed me because they felt they depended on someone or something to be happy, but I needed to help myself as well. I worked on myself for years to get where I am today and these past few months have really made me see myself as beautiful. More than ever people have been complimenting me and not just on my looks, but my personality. I feel like I am a beautiful person and that people do care about me. I feel loved for once in my life and not afraid of anything. I am fearless, and I'm not afraid of getting hurt anymore, because I know that the people who are in my life DO love me and I am so blessed.

I want every girl who feels or have felt ugly, afraid, and alone to not have to experience it alone. So many women end up battered continuously, verbally abused, followed, sexually assaulted, and even dead all because they think they depend on someone who doesn't really love them. They only cause more torment and fear towards other men who are good men. Who won't hurt them and would never think about anyone else but them. They set themselves up for failure in future relationships and they will never be happy with the person that they are. I didn't want to become something ugly, because I knew deep down there was something amazingly beautiful inside that longed more than just being called names or hurt. If someone even thinks about doing such things I will protect myself and stand up for myself, because I'm not the horrible person that people have told me I am. The people who love me in my life see me as beautiful. Sure we fight sometimes and annoy one another from time to time. Any relationship you have in life (family, friends, romantic) there will always be some bickering, but that person will always work things out and never degrade you. They will stick by you even in the worst times and even when you look you're worst they will still think your gorgeous as ever.

Why? Because love is not about how the person appears. Love is something that comes from within and no matter how hard things become you are willing to fight for the one you love. You can only fall in love with a pretty face or body for so long. It's not about how perfect someone is, but how imperfect they are. Their flaws and silly quirks are usually the most interesting. Love involves growing so much more than you ever thought you could alongside another person. Love means never having to be afraid and knowing that you are beautiful. Feeling how they feel without even having to say it, because you just know. You don't have to cry alone, laugh alone, do crazy fun adventures alone, or live alone. It's the most beautiful feeling that has destroyed and pained so many people, but is worth it in the end. I promise you ladies that are suffering out there you will get over this and you will find someone who gives you all of these. It makes me sad how many people settle and aren't really that in love. Sure love tones down a bit after years of being with someone else, but you still always have this deep caring feeling for that individual. I don't want to ever settle I want to do what my heart tells me is right. I feel like so far my heart is leading me on the right path and I am the happiest I could ever be.

I am beautiful. I am beautiful because I see people in pain and feel sympathy for them and want to help them. I am beautiful because I care so deeply for the ones I love in my life and would sacrifice almost anything for their happiness. I have fun, unique style and have always been proud of my bangs and I don't care who doesn't like them there's plenty who do. They are a part of who I am. I am not the thinnest person, but I have confidence in my walk and curves are naturally beautiful. I'm beautiful because I want them best for people and hate being selfish more than anything. I'm beautiful because I never plan on changing the person I am. The passionate, self made, dedicated, strong, and loving person that I am for anyone. I am willing to fight for what I believe in no matter how impossible it may seem. I will never give up and I will live my dreams and I'm beautiful because I have a heart that endlessly will love. Loving yourself (not in a conceited, stuck up way) is the most beautiful and best present you can give yourself, because in the end if you do not love the person you are and what you are becoming then you can never make anyone else happy. You will only drag them down with you and that is what being truly selfish means. Besides why drag others down a sad path when you can give others countless amounts of happiness and love :]! It makes for a happier world.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

Take me tortured heart by the hand.

And write me off. Do you know I cry? Do you know I die? Do you know I cry? And it's not the good kind.

I never saw a problem with a few tears, because I think that tears actually expose strength. If you aren't afraid to cry then you aren't afraid to show yourself at your most vulnerable. When I was a little girl my grandmother told me that crying didn't solve anything. She explained that crying didn't solve anything, because for example if someone passes away they can't see that. They wouldn't want you to be crying over them, but live life to the fullest and be strong. At her funeral I did not cry and everyone thought that there was something seriously wrong with me. I had become so accustomed to and took to heart her explanation of why not to cry that I followed it religiously for some time. In high school I was bullied and that was the first real time I cried again. I felt weak for crying and would often cry by myself and not tell anybody why I was so upset. I become very destructive, but always remained one of the sweetest people to others. I looked for guidance from the wrong places and felt even more miserable. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep and looked to the only person I had left, g-d for answers. That night while crying I discovered something a piece of knowledge that I had always discredited due to previous information received.

It was okay to cry, it was powerful. Crying did not expose weakness, it exposed vulnerability. It wasn't until my Junior year in high school that I began to make changes in my life. I began to see things so much differently. I let myself cry and be upset over things. I became emotional and didn't shut off my emotions to the world. I wanted the world to see the true Alexis. The Alexis I knew I was inside, but was afraid to let out. I convinced myself that I would not care what others thought of me and that I would not let insults get to me, because I was proud of who I was. Upon this new discovery of myself I made new friends who were life changing. Who did love me for me. Who thought it was cute I wore silly bows in my hair and dressed creatively. Who didn't think any less of me because I had made mistakes in my life or that I was chubby. I for once was happy with my life. I let go of the sad, self hating old Lexy and loved myself. Sometimes I do get sad, but what is beautiful about that is I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable. I'm letting people in on my deepest secrets and the things that scare me the most. It's not a bad thing every once in a while. Building up feelings inside is worse in the end, because you become so frustrated one day you just snap.

I like being there for people when they are feeling down or are upset about something. I really feel like that is the best thing I can do for them and I feel as though they trust me. They are willing to let me see their vulnerable side and though I dislike seeing someone facing torment in their lives, I think it's beautiful they are willing to share that side of them with me. It brings a certain closeness to the relationship that isn't obtained through everyday conversation. I just want people to be happy and sometimes they don't take me inquiring about their problems as wanting that. I will bend over backwards to try and make someone happy and make things right in their life I never want to hurt. When others hurt I actually hurt as silly as that may sound it's true. I feel so much for people, even strangers because I don't like to see anyone hurt and feeling alone. I don't like to hurt people and would never maliciously do so. It's not my character and it's something I have never really been able to do regardless of how bad the other person treated me.

What mind boggles me is the fact that people allow themselves to get hurt and let it continue. I will admit I have done that and still do that from time to time. It doesn't mean that it can't completely leave me in disbelief. My friend was telling me about the guy she is interested in was telling her that he couldn't stand that he got dumped and cheated on all the time. That even when they cheated he would still stay, because it was better than having nobody and he had already put in all his effort and might as well put in a little more. Another person I used to work with told me how much love he had for this married woman who treated him so terribly. I can't understand them, but it seems many people are drawn to pain and hurt. I try to be as nice and kind as I can in any relationship I am in. This includes with my parents, friends, and romantic relationships. I am the one getting hurt and I try so hard. Then there are others who back stab their friends, are never there for their families, and cheat on their boyfriends and never lose anything. All I want is people's happiness and I know I'm not perfect, but I won't change that about myself. I won't stop being kind because people like challenges. I won't be mean or not be there for someone because that is not who I am. I won't give up encouraging people and I won't stop fighting for my dreams. I've grown up since that little, scared girl in high school who was afraid to be who she was. I won't go back to that or ever change who I am. I know that people DO appreciate the woman I've become. As long as some people do that is all I need in my life. I don't need the love of the world I just need a few people.

People take having individuals in life loving them unconditionally. They become tired of it and want to find new, exciting things. They take advantage of having people who care about them and that is the saddest thing to experience or see. Those people should never be forgotten, because when you are hurting again they are the ones who will be there when that other person is gone. I guess the message I am trying to send is not to forget who truly loves you. They should be the most important people in your life. And don't ever give up on yourself, because you are who you have in the end.

I love this song!

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe

The thing that makes Woody special, is he'll never give up on you... ever.

He'll be there for you, no matter what. Toy Story 3 really was a tear jerker for me. I'm so glad that they were only offering 3D because I had to wear those silly, imitation ray ban looking 3D glasses, because I definitely cried for some portion of the movie. Before seeing the film I had noticed some of my friends statuses stated "Cried at the Toy Story movie. Hope I wouldn't, but did!" I was determined to not cry at this movie, because Toy Story was such a happy memory from my childhood. I told myself that I would not cry, but I failed I cried. The message it sent was something that was beautiful and really touched my heart. I do not want to spoil the movie for people so I won't say why it touched me so much. I'll just say that we all have a Woody in our lives. Something or someone that we hold onto so dearly for comfort. Something we turn to in our worst hour when we have no where else to turn. It will be there for us during our happy moments and be there to cry on. I do turn to blogs a lot to direct my thoughts and emotions. I just find it to be such a good release, similar to when I go for a nice run. I suppose that is why I enjoy both so much, because I am able to just think and expel a lot of my thoughts in a good workout or blog.

These two things aren't my comfort though. As silly as it sounds my pillow and moose collection have always been something that has never failed to cheer me up. My special pillow was given to me when I was 2 years old and I have had it since. I have been sick on it, cuddled it while watching some of my favorite movies, cried on it, and taken it nearly everywhere with me. I guess that's all we ever desire is something that never gives up on us. Something we can always turn to and when we grow up we give away those little security objects (toys, pillows, stuffed animals) and begin to rely on actual people to never give up on us. It's a scary thing, but a wonderful thing all at once.

I love my family and I know that this weekend wasn't the most amazing, but I know that they love me and care for me. I really struggle sometimes and we do fight, but no matter what happens in life I will always love them and always be there for them as best I can. I guess I'm like a Woody I never give up on the people in my life. Regardless of what they do to me or what happens I believe in being there if you love someone enough. We all have our bad moments and as the movie Juno said (though I dislike seeing teenage pregnancies!) true love is when you are able to love them sick, ugly, bad, etc.... I love everyone even in their worse because I have seen their best. I remember the best because I really believe that is the part that is really who they are inside. Even in people who are coined "bad" I still try to see what they have to offer inside. I try to bring out the best in them and be there for them. Sometimes being alone is the hardest part of life and if we could just try to be understanding and be there for others people would be so much happier. Caring for someone means helping them through any struggling, struggling with them at times, and making it through. I don't like to hurt people or see them in pain and I do my best to not do so. I'm not perfect and I know that, but I try so hard.

I think that's the most important thing. I know that my mother has said that enough to me. If you try then you are doing right. As long as you don't ever give up and keep trying then you are being true to yourself. You should never give up on anything no matter how impossible or difficult. No matter how hard things may seem, or any type of conflicts you may get in. You have to believe that in the end everything will be the way it is meant to be if you continue to press on. You have to be willing to let go, just as Andy did with his toys. We grow up, we change, the beautiful part of life is that nothing is really known. The unknown is what sparks curiosity, and allows us to try new things and learn more about life. If we all knew then life would not be as exciting and we would not learn quite the same about ourselves then we do not knowing. Yes the unknown can be quite frightening, but you just have to dive in feet first. You can't hold yourself back because otherwise you will NEVER know.

I want to thank everybody for their wonderful birthday wishes. I had such an amazing time and am truly blessed to be around so many people who love me and care. Being loved and having people there is the best gifts I could ever receive. My Mother spoiled me rotten and got me such beautiful gifts! I couldn't express how grateful I am to have gotten such beautiful things. They had meaning to them as well which makes it all that much better. I want to thank my Father for taking me on my favorite activity, fishing! I had so much fun making memories and being out by Lake Michigan catching hundreds of nice sized perch. And my Brother took me to see two movies! How sweet is that? Grown Ups and Toy Story 3 were amazing and I was delighted to see them with such a wonderful younger brother :]. Johnny can't be forgotten either! He wished me happy birthday and listened to me rant and I can't thank him enough for being the man he is. Finally, I want to thank all my friends for the birthday wishes. They were so sweet and really made me feel super loved! It's so nice for them to put in a little effort to make sure they wish me a happy birthday.

Love you all I'm off to bed! Night darlings.

<3
Alexis Zoe

A Deep Sea Adventure

Well almost, more like a Lake Michigan vast lake adventure? Last night, as I previously described in my earlier blog, I went out fairly late with a friend. I am so accustomed to staying up until the wee hours of the night that I struggled to fall asleep. Plus I must admit I was fairly excited to go fishing, because I had not been since last year. I pleaded with my father to go ice fishing, but he insisted it wasn't as attractive or fun as it seemed. I suppose being out in sub zero weather on fragile ice isn't that glamorous, but I've always had a desire to try it at least once. I'm a firm believer in trying everything once. Well mostly everything there are some things I must admit that I would not do. Anywho, I finally fell asleep around 1:00 AM and triple checked to ensure my alarm was set for 3:00 AM. I felt as though I had just closed my eyes when my alarm ran like sirens. That was when I saw illuminations creeping in from my blinds. I peered outside and saw lightening filling the sky. My heart shattered a little, because I knew it was not practical nor a good idea to be by water in such treacherous weather.

Around 4:00 AM I went into my parents room and informed my father that the sky was illuminated and that it hadn't let up for nearly an hour. We both saw it unfit to go on our fishing excursion and my father advised me to go back to bed for an hour to see if it let up. I called Johnny and got about 30 minutes of sleep before my father came into my room with an excited grin on his face. He told me to look outside and I was stunned to see that the sky was in fact clear. We went to grab some breakfast and I ordered chocolate chip pancakes. I could barely get through one pancake and ended up digging out the chocolate chips instead of eating any of the "cake". My dad chuckled at me and said I should have just asked for some melted chocolate chips. It would have saved him some money. I laughed and we went on our way. We attempted to find Wilmette harbor, but got lost and ended up going to Monstrose Harbor (our usual). For those of you who are not well educated on the fishing areas Monstrose Harbor and Wilmette Harbor are both fancy terms for different areas of Lake Michigan. Monstrose is just in the city and Wilmette is with all the rich people. I personally prefer Monstrose anyways, because its familiar and we always go to the same bait shop.

We got soft shells (aka little crawfish strange looking bugger clawed creatures, whom spew this disgusting looking yellow puss when you crack them in half. Yes I do crack off tails and heads and bait them on my hook) and looked for an open area where most fishers were. The area we found was like gold. I literally caught over 30 perch in that area. I also caught the two biggest fish of the day. I was quite proud of myself seeing as I typically am only able to catch tiny little golbies. We were fishing near an older gentleman with his wife who was collecting the fish. He didn't have many so we offered him our fish. He was thrilled and absolutely delighted that we were just giving away our catch. He helped me unhook perch that had the hook down their throat and was so appreciative of our donations to his basket. It made me feel good to give someone sweet and kind like him our fish. He asked me how I was able to catch such nice, big, healthy perch. I smiled and said I just do my thing. I really do I'm not always entirely sure what I'm doing in anything I do. I just do what feels right and go with it. Things usually work out for me when I do such things I suppose I am just able to adapt really well.

The man appreciated everything we did so much that he allowed me to take a picture with only some of the fish we had caught in his basket. When we asked if I could have a picture he smiled and replied that I had caught nearly all the fish in the basket so he'd be more than happy to let me take a picture with my catch. It was such a miserably hot day, but my dad and I had such an amazing time fishing together and just spending some quality time together. He told me that our little trip was his birthday present to me and I couldn't have asked for a better one! It was so amazing to just spend time with him, have a good fishing day, and enjoy lovely Lake Michigan. I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect! I can't wait for our future fishing endeavors. I know that they will be just as fun filled as this one. Gotta put my 23 dollar fishing license to good use! Next time I hope that we will scale, skin, fillet, and cook our fish! Perhaps even over a camp fire =]! It's hard to describe how serene and peaceful it is being outside and the excitement of catching a big one.

Tonight my brother is taking me to see Grown Ups for my birthday. I've been wanting to see that movie so bad! Not nearly as bad as I want to see Toy Story 3, but I'm sure eventually somebody will be childish enough to go see it with me. I embrace my inner child, because you have so much more fun when you do so! We all were once little and I believe a part of us will always require that nurturing and safety blanket type feeling. I know I still have my safety blankets, but they make me who I am. Grown Ups has a pretty good line up as far as casting. I absolutely am crazy about Rob Sneider, David Spade, and of course Adam Sandler (gotta represent the Jews!) My brother will be home in a couple hours and we will be off. I think it's so sweet he offered to take me as my birthday present. He and I hardly spend enough time together and I love it when I do get to spend time with him. Having a brother is really something special!

Tomorrow is the big 22! I'm super excited, because I get to eat at my absolute favorite restaurant of all time in my favorite booth! My mom has lots of neat little gifts waiting for me that I am totally excited to open! She spoils me way too much I really don't deserve it! I can't deny that I do enjoy being spoiled from time to time =]! Not that it means she loves me anymore it's just nice to know someone likes to spoil me! So far everything has perfect. I was a bit agitated and upset that so many of my friends just seemed to disregard my Birthday and not care much about going out with me, but honestly I wouldn't have had it any other way. I guess as we grow older we learn who really is there for you and who really cares. Not to say that my friends don't care about me, because I know that they do. You just see who really is devoted to you and I know that it's my family mostly and then a couple friends and my boy. I can't believe I'm already 22 years old. Time just keeps flying. I'll achieve obtaining my masters at this age (at least I hope that I will!) and hopefully will be accepted to a PhD program. I'm super excited for what the future holds and for all my future adventures as a newly 22 year old young lady. Have a wonderful rest of the weekend everyone. I know I will be.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

This year I was born on a Sunday

So as facebook happily announces and most of you know my  birthday is coming up this Sunday. Honestly, this year I wasn't too excited for it because I knew that most of the people in my life were too busy to celebrate with me. Recently, I got in touch with an old friend whom I will admit I treated poorly in the past and did not appreciate until recently. She practically forced me to go to birthday dinner with me and insisted that it was important I go out with friends for dinner. We went to Red Robin and I downed the freckled lemonade that they serve. It was so delicious and refreshing and I had been dehydrated the entire day! She also got me a couple pieces of jewelry that I adore! It was so thoughtful and nearly put me in tears, that was when she had them sing Happy Birthday to me. I lost it and couldn't help but thanking her a trillion times. To me gifts are not important on a birthday it is the thought that is put into it. It's the effort that shows who cares and is happy that you are actually alive. It's a celebration of your life and why wouldn't you want to celebrate your birthday?

Last year my birthday was honestly dreadful. The reason was because I allowed somebody to ruin my birthday. The person who ruined it did a lot of nice, fancy things for me and ended up yelling at me while I was spending time with my mother. I was so upset about being yelled at that I let it ruin my mom and my time together. This year I went in my mothers room and saw a bunch of presents waiting for me and she informed me that we would be sitting in my favorite booth at Hackneys for dinner. Again I felt this eminent gratefulness overcome me. My mother has always made my birthday special and made me feel happy that I am alive. She has always done sweet things for me like making me a pink card herself with glitter on it saying "To my Princess" and throwing my a surprise party when I was about 10. It were those little things that made them so special and the things I will remember. Now that I look back on last year I feel silly for letting my mother and my time be destroyed by someone who clearly did not care for me. Did not appreciate to have me in their life.

My friends this year have sort of disappointed me. I can't deny that I don't really feel as appreciated as I used to feel. They are either out of town or made plans regardless of me saying I was thinking of doing something. I have learned that life is about disappointment and that you will have people who do not put in as much effort as you do. I have always put in more effort and been super thoughtful. I have always been there for people in their lowest points in life and have tried so hard to make everyone as happy as possible even if it meant I'd have to sacrifice some of my own. My mother always told me not to be so nice, because nobody is going to be as nice as me and will eventually take advantage of that. I suppose in the end she was right and I am tired of putting in so much effort. When my mother got ill it was an extremely difficult time for me. It continues to be a difficult thing for me to deal with. My family has always been my everything and this illness has left us in shambles. People can't really understand unless they are in the same situation and I understand that, but having someone to talk to then and again about it would be nice. Having someone ask me how things were going in my life would be okay.

In the end people are selfish and want what is best for themselves. I have always put others before myself, because that is just the person I am. I want to help, I want to be there, I want to show that I do care. People don't realize that it really doesn't take much effort to show you care for someone. It takes something so small like a phone call, keeping promises, doing something sweet, complimenting, anything really. If we all did something and put in a small effort to show we do care then there would be a lot less sadness in this world. Struggle would be made a bit easier to cope with. Until we see how much we can do for somebody by just doing something simple we will live in a world that progressively becomes more and more self centered.

People always think that because I am so into my birthday that I am a bit self centered. They think becoming another year older is more of a burden then it is beautiful. Once you become a certain age people don't celebrate your birthday quite the same. I'm not saying I want to have a huge party with all my friends in some playground, no that is not what I want. The reason I celebrate my birthday and enjoy getting sweet, little thoughtful things is because I see my birthday as a celebration of my life. It is a reminder that I am lucky to be alive and that I am a miracle sent down from g-d. Each person is a little miracle and a birthday reminds you how special you are to people. You should celebrate how many years you have been blessed to be on this Earth. Some people don't make it to 22 and that crosses my mind. I have witnessed a girl my age die of cancer. I tried so hard to help a girl who ended up committing suicide at 19. I have heard horror stories of  young people dying in car wrecks, from drug overdoses, suicide, murder, and cancer. They are not here, they never got to see their 22nd birthday. They never got to experience marriage or starting a family of their own, graduating college, enjoying a summer vacation with friends or family, and they never got to celebrate their 22nd birthday. I get to see 22. I get to enjoy this summer with my family and friends, I graduated college and I am in my masters. I appreciate my life and I celebrate every year that I am here, because I am lucky to be able to experience what life has to offer.

I celebrate everyday not just my birthday, but I feel as though my birthday shows who wants to celebrate my life alongside me. I'm getting choked up writing this, but I just can't explain how I feel about life. I can't thank the lord enough for all that he has blessed me with and all the experiences I have had. How grateful I am that he gave me a father who is willing to listen to my rants and go fishing with me in the early morning rain (which I will be doing in about an hour and a half!). That he has given me a mother who always showers me with love every day of my life and cares about me more than anyone ever will. That I have a brother who if I really needed to talk to he would be there for me. My one real friend that only wants the best for me and talks me out of such silly things. That I have a boyfriend who is loyal and treats me right.

When I think about all the past birthdays that I've had and how much love I have been given on them I can't help but appreciate my life. It gives me hope that there are people who do remember me and who do care and who will put in as much effort as I do for them. It makes me believe that there is good in my life and reminds me of how much I have. I've had a lot of bad things happen in my life. I've experienced abuse, had people I love taken from me (practically my entire family), suffered with my self image, been bullied, had bad relationships, and watched somebody I love so dearly fight the biggest battle of her life, but I am still alive. I have lived to tell my story. I have pushed through all of the hard times and grown as a person and this birthday is a big one for me because I have pushed through some of the toughest times of my life. Last year I can honestly say was the worst year of my life, but that is why I have that much more to celebrate about. I am here to help others celebrate their life and be grateful despite all the bad things that may surround them. I just want to thank the lord for all that I am blessed with. I want to thank him for giving me my Mommy, Daddy, Brother, Johnny, Jackie, and everyone else who has done what they have for me. Celebrate life and never forget how precious your life is. We are all miracles in our own way. =]

Celebrate your life!

<3 always and forever,
Alexis Zoe

June showers?.... Wait a second.

I'm sure most of you local chicagoan's/midwesterners are aware of the storms that have been hitting on non stop since early June. I was lucky enough to miss a couple weeks of storming and left just as one of the many storms had passed. Being completely used to no rain down in Arizona for two weeks, coming up to stormy Chicago was a bit of a culture shock. Needless to say that I do enjoy rain and the fresh air that is produced after a nice rainfall. Yesterday was quite a frightening evening. Being someone who lives in the Midwest I am pretty familiar with "tornado" warnings. Everyone in Chicago knows that tornado's never come to the city, but bumble who ha Illinois or [insert other midwest state here]. When we look outside we never see this so called green sky that is produced in part because of an eminent tornado. The green sky was not hiding yesterday. Words can not even begin to describe how yesterdays sky appeared. It was pure green, the exact green font that I used for my first mention of green. It was a tornado, just south of me blowing away at some of my good friends homes (well no one was hurt thank goodness!)

Lightening struck in the same place repeatedly and
winds gusted faster than I could have ever imagined, and I am used to the wind. I mean I live in Chicago for crying out loud! During the storm I did a lot of thinking, I know you are probably saying to yourself "isn't that what you always do", but this time it was different. I really thought about life in a much more deep way, deeper than I had really ever experienced. It wasn't thoughts about those in my life, I wasn't praying or hoping for someone else to find happiness I was thinking about myself and my own happiness. I realized in my collection of thoughts that I often care so much, too much, about how I am going to please others that I don't think enough about how I am going to please myself. Now I do acknowledge that it is important to consider and do whats best for others in the process of doing what is best for yourself, but you are the ultimate leader/constructor in your own life. This virtually leaves you an endless amount of possibilities that only you can stop yourself from accomplishing.

Family members, close friends, significant others they can only understand you to a point. Ultimately you are the only person who really understands you. If anyone can vouch for that it is myself. My brain is complex and every mistake I've made or every bad event in my life I have replaced with education. I have transformed my dull, simple brain to a complex machine that never stops analyzing. I critically analyze nearly every little detail of life and though a part of me wishes I didn't, I enjoy my brain the way it is. I enjoy learning and further educating  myself. I love the challenge, because I know that in the end it is a challenge I can live up to. I know I am not perfect, but nobody is. We all have our imperfections it is what makes us human and unique. I have always had this fear of the past repeating itself. I've seen and had a lot of negative events in my life and I try desperately to avoid and stop them from reoccurring. I silence myself and am always striving to be the perfect person, but nobody is perfect. Silencing myself is something I advocate for people not to do. I preach that people should not be afraid to speak of their emotions, yet I avoid talking about how I feel. Most of this fear stems from losing the people I love the most in life, or having other things happen in result of speaking of how I feel.

I've come to the realization that if I continue to silence myself I am not being true to myself. It is important to be true to yourself, because in the end you are the only one who can make decisions in your life. You are in complete control of your life and if you allow others to define who you are and make decisions for you then you are not living your life fully. You are living under influence and not staying true to what you believe is right in your heart. I know that inside I am a good person and that I treat others well. I have to start treating myself well and doing the same for myself as I do for other people. I believe that this is the true key to happiness. If you stay true to what you want in your life and make decisions based upon what you feel then you will be more satisfied. Others input is never a bad thing, but you have to listen to yourself in the end. I do not dismiss the fact that we do need others. We are social animals who need others in our lives and this is why we work and communicate with them, but we have to listen to our inner thoughts instead and attempt to find a balance between what we want and things are are best for those in our lives.

It is often said that Communication scholars are actually the worst communicators known to man. I believe that is because we attempt to emancipate and understand this fundamental idea of communicating so much that we forget what basic communication is. We anticipate what is said and try to find underlying meanings in ideas or phrases that may not be attempting to give off any other message at all. I think for my sake I need to start trying to understand things in more simple ways and not attempt to refute every little thing for the sake of seeing things from multiple angles. Life isn't always meant to be seen from every single perspective, but just one more simple one. One in which allows for the most understanding and the least amount of analysis.



Love always,
Alexis Zoe
The aspiring scholar

When Everything is Positive....

One can never become disappointed! It's incredible how if you convince yourself that things are happy and fun that they do in fact become happy and fun! I will admit that at times I became stressed at my job and felt as though nobody in the office really cared for me. Not because I'm a terrible person to be around, but because I was the "new" person who they assumed had no clue what I was doing. Today my boss I believe really liked my initial proposal for a website and I have worked hard in becoming fluent in dreamweaver. Currently, I'm educating myself on site maps in order to maybe have a pictured drop down menu. We shall see what my boss decides is best for our departments new site. I really enjoy being in the office setting and having my own little desk. I have printed more pictures at Walgreens (yes, I have become somewhat obsessed with Walgreens photo desk) and I am decorating my office space even more. I may even invest in some cheap frames from Target. Still deciding on a color scheme for my area. I already have purple post its and purple notepads so I'm thinking purple. Purple is pretty for the summer and spring too! Purple is my favorite color so I guess that means it's good all year round for me!

In other news, I am still on the prowl to find a second job. I'm only working 10 hours at the office and if my boss will let me I may be able to work 15-20, which will help financially. I won't get three tuition wavers, but I'll still get my two and a larger stipend. I'm assuming my boss may just let me since we will most likely be getting a new graduate assistant to take my place when I am gone. Plus we sort of had a heart to heart today that I enjoyed! I really like when my boss comes to talk to me about his life it makes me see him in a different way. If that doesn't work out I'm going to still attempt to find a job desperately. I was considering going to my old bank manager and seeing if he'll let me come back as a part time teller. That was probably one of my favorite jobs I've had thus far. The people were great to work with and all the customers were so fun! I really enjoy dressing up for a job too. If worse comes to worse I will resort to retail. I'm almost tempted to just work at McDonalds for a while (this is how desperate I am), but everyone believes it to be below me so I guess I won't go down that road.

I'm starting to become so much more of a positive person and I really am motivated to do many great things. I think life is meant to be lived and yes we will have disappointments. We are human and sometimes things are thrown at us that seem unfair and intolerable, but just remember if you let them get to you then those things are winning. They are controlling your life and once you lose control you just settle. In life you should never ever settle that is one thing I have learned. You only live on Earth once, we are unsure of what the heavenly father has in store for us after, but I'm sure it is something beautiful. This life is a test for us and he is watching us and reassures us from time to time that something greater is in store. I want to live this life right and do what I feel is right. I don't want to stand on the sideline and watch the game I want to be in the game. I want to be the star player and I will be. Practice makes perfect and the more I practice and the more I succeed the more perfected my life will become.

Other than that life is really wonderful. My mother is still strong as ever and fighting as hard as ever making me prouder and prouder each day (though she doesn't realize how proud I am). My dad is working a lot! Sometimes I wish he wouldn't work so hard, but I know he needs the money. Brother is also the same he is just chillin per usual. On Fathers day my Grandpa was so adorable! He swam so much and enjoyed himself. He was like a fishy gliding all around a tiny ocean (if oceans were tiny that is). Finally, my boyfriend is as amazing as ever even though he hasn't been as chipper as he usually is. He works really hard and does everything he can for his dream and that makes me fall more and more in love with him. I really think it's important to follow your dreams, because if you want them bad enough you will obtain them. He doesn't know it, but he inspires me everyday to be a better person and to continue pressing on with what I want to do in my life. He's my captain :] and makes me happy everyday. It's so weird being away from someone you love. Normally I can't tolerate boyfriends, because they always seem to do something to annoy/upset me, but Johnny is different. Johnny has changed my life for the better and he is my best friend. I couldn't ask for a better one and I can't wait until I just get to hold him and kiss him again. He may not physically be here all the time, but I don't need that right now. I know he loves me even when he is not here and when I do get to see him it makes the time spent with him that much more special and beautiful. Love is such a beautiful feeling!

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

All at once I had it all, but it doesn't mean anything now that your gone.

I've always had this idea in my head how I wanted to live my life. Really my idea of how life should be lived is quite simple. It comprises essentially of being surrounded by positive, loving individuals who are willing to put in as much effort for you as you are for them. I remember the disappointment my father had when we found we weren't doing well financially. It broke my heart to watch him struggling to provide for his family, but what he did not realize was that I admired him. I admired him for all of this hard work he had struggled through his entire life for his children and his family. It made me want to work as hard as I can for my future family someday. He taught me the very fundamental meaning of what it means to work hard and I am prepared to do just that.

Money seems to have people handcuffed in this country. Don't get me wrong I am a proud American and support my country, but it is sad to see people struggling because they want to live lavish lifestyles that a capitalist society tells them they must lead. Why can't people be happy with the little, precious things in life? Like spending time doing things with their family? After a while I donate my old things to charity they are dispensable items. Memories are indispensable. You can never erase those and they are cherish-able possessions, much more than some purse or lipgloss (those were the only two items to pop into my mind at the moment). It makes me sad to see my dad working so hard and always worrying about money so that is why I am buying him a fishing license and am determined to get him to come out a couple times a month this summer. We both enjoy fishing so much and it's really nice bonding time with him. Everybody needs to escape the everyday stressers every once in a while.Nothing comes close to that other than being out in mother nature and enjoying how fantastic our Earth is.

Being outside calms me and amazes me. I do live in a big city, but that doesn't mean I can't escape from it. When I do I feel like I'm at peace and really when I'm in nature I pray the best. It just feels like I am alone with g-d out in a forest or somewhere magnificent. It is a little reminder that he is up there watching and that he really did something magnificent for us. It gives me hope that morality can still remain in this world. It pains me to see how immoral and unjust people have become. People just give away what is precious to them without any questions asked. It's as though morality has become forgotten. That loyalty and time with family is completely annihilated. Sometimes I feel so alone when it comes to what I believe is right, but I know there are others out there like me, who see how silly it is to get wasted, do drugs, and just give themselves to people.  If you can't be happy or have a good time without altering your mind then are you really happy with your life? You have to sit back and really think about that.

I'm extremely pleased with my life, despite my desire for another job. I am in need of funds and am determined. I know that in time I will find a way to make more to help my family out and whoever else may need me. Life is about living the way you see fit. People may think my academic endevours are silly, but they are meaningful to me and I don't care what others think of them. I traveled to Arizona to see my boyfriend, and you may think my long distance relationship is pointless and silly, but I feel it is right. I know in my heart he is a tremendous guy and why would I give up on that becuase of a little distance? G-d's intentions for us and our lives are not always simple. If everything was handed to us then we would not appreciate what we have so much. Anything that requires some sort of struggle is worth it in the end, and when you do finally conquer that struggle it will be that much more appreciated.

Love you all =]!
-Alexis Zoe

Knowing of the Unknown.

I have been attempting to make sense of things lately that seem unanswerable to myself. My father and I had an amazing conversation over coffee today, which I must admit that I missed with him. Most people won't listen to my rants and thoughts on the world and life because they can be quite radical. I don't necessarily believe all the radical thoughts that come out of my mouth, I just don't think when I talk because I am too busy thinking about the things I am say and don't have enough time to process every single piece of information. This leads to every single thought to come out without real logic or sense it is just the most important piece of information to reach my brain to my vocal cords. 

I was asked an interesting question once on why I wanted to go for my PhD in Communication Studies that I will share with you all.

Q: Why do you like academia Alexis?
A: Text, information, shared thoughts help me understand that which I can not explain. Though nothing is really explainable per say, it gives me hope that I can make sense of that which I attempt to make sense of.

You can imagine how baffled that individual looked upon my answer to the question. Most envy my intelligence and believe it to be a gift. I like to think that being somewhat intelligent (because I do not believe in an ultimate form of intelligence, I feel we are all intelligent in our own unique ways) is a wonderful quality to possess. Lately, I have been thinking the opposite. I feel that my intelligence and my brain in general are more of a curse. This brain functions in a way which it should not function. Perhaps I should blame my parents for letting me run into the end of a table when I was two years old, but I know that is not the cause of my thought process. It's developed over time, and in older age it seems that my brain is never asleep.When I was seven years old I insisted to my father that I was prepared to read a "big girls" novel. I grew tired of the short stories that my parents presented to me and thirsted for something with more complexity. Something that would challenge me.

 My dad brought home Moby Dick, which as many know is quite a lengthy and verbose book for a seven year old to dive into. Not only did I finish the novel I enjoyed it and read it over several times. That book was what first gave me the desire to read even more novels. I became obsessed with books, reading every moment I could. A normal child would be glued to the television, but I disliked it. I wanted to get lost in a novel. I wanted to make up what the characters looked like. The world would be created by me even though the author had their own intentions for the world. I fell in love with used book stores, because they allowed me to buy novels in large volumes. One day I read Steinbeck's novel Of Mice and Men, which became my favorite novel. It was unlike any other novel I had ever read because it was so short in length. This was when I realized an ingenious piece of literature need not be thousands of pages and could be just as beautiful in a few short ones. It was the first novel that brought actual tears to my eyes. Words.....they are powerful. Much more powerful than any television program, movie, video game, etc...

I began to become curious about nonfiction, because I had been so accustomed to fiction. Again, I was searching for a challenge. Something that would make me see things and think in a drastically different light. I began to read nonfiction religiously.I read history books, about the seven deadly sins, serial killer books, psychology books, self help/inspiration books, and even books about dinosaurs and the various theories behind what actually happened to them. I spent days in the Des Plaines Public Library thrilled with every new discovery. Instead of going for "homework" as I stated I was so much more interested in the economics section and learning something new. When I finally realized that Theatre might not be the correct path for me I took a class in every subject attempting to make sense of what I desired.

Communications didn't come to me right away it just kind of presented itself to me. People would ask why I was taking 18 credit hours with such drastically different subjects. I hadn't an answer, until taking a communications course. The reason I took nearly every subject was not because I was a crazy or a super nerd. The reason I took all those courses because they all connected to this one subject. Communications created every subject. Without it we would not have history, economics, politics, math, science, you name it the topic would not exist with the very fundamental study of communications. Without communications we could not create the world in which we live. Social structures would cease to exist, the human race would live without purpose. I took so many communication courses that I became fascinated with relating it to nearly everything. For helping to explain things that I initially could not understand.

I came to a conclusion last semester after reading Speaking Into the Air. I discovered that really when we think about it our existence requires communication. And that the unknown is what has created communication in the first place so we should embrace the unknown. This does not mean we should not attempt to make sense of the unknown. This is why I want to be an academic. I want to understand information and knowledge in a way that allows me to see the world from various different aspects. In academia I can read clashing viewpoints and see two drastically ways of conducting research, but when you think of the ultimate goal of the two I still think they both want the same type of response. To understand the unknown and make sense of it they just prefer physical vs what I like to call "self sense making" information.

So Moby Dick, led to nonfiction, which in turn led to academic journals and books. I still seek challenges and still embrace all forms of text that consist of well structured words. I believe that words are still the most powerful form of communication, especially written. Written word can never die and though Socrates feared written word and it being misinterpreted I think it is essential. Had Plato not written of Socrates and his beliefs we would never know of Socrates. He communicated the Socrates he knew allowing us to see a glimmer of what the past might have been like. Of what Socrates was able to preach in his time. I want my thoughts to not die with my body. Maybe what I write will never get published. Perhaps my words will only reach a select few. It does not matter, because it allowed me to make sense of what I see in my head. It allowed my brain to release some of the over reactive thinking. If some read my work or even this blog it just may have caused them to think something new. My words may have even touched someone in that moment. That is what is important about word and I want my word to be heard. I want my word formulations which create a compilation of beautiful thoughts and ideas to be out in the world even if only 2-3 people find beauty in them.

My mind is something that has caused me a lot of struggle, but I suppose that is why I have been given such a thought filled mind. Though I find it to be a curse I know that I must not put it waste. So this my friends is why I want to challenge people just as I have challenged myself. My mind wants to be heard, my heart desires to learn endlessly. You can never learn enough information and I feel each piece is crucial to putting pieces together for yourself. In the end we can never really explain or prove anything is true for we, as humans, with our communicative processes have developed social norms, laws, and rules. These we have to remember are developed, but not true (yes this includes science). We put names to phenomenon which we can physically see and even those which we can not see. The reason? We want to understand our existence, but when we deeply search for answers we are the only person that can explain them. We define our existence.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe
The utterly confused, knowledge thirsty girl.