Live Seconds as a Lifetime.

Most fragile of things captivates and embraces you. I often feel as though I am drawn to everything that equates to being fragile. I suppose that is the nurturing part of my constructed being thus far. My mother gives me the courage and meeting her friend today was lovely. I got to see a glimpse of my mother as she was in the past. It was so wonderful for me to see her so happy and for that I can not thank her friend enough. This was much needed for her spirits and I believe with the good news and her childhood friends arrival she has gained strength and that she will prosper and watch me succeed.

Today, my mothers friend stated that I was a natural in front of the camera and that I had a wonderful, eloquent voice. Compliments are always much appreciated and I often have trouble accepting them. I suppose I am somewhat modest. It just gave me hope and I need that in my life right now. I often struggle with myself and want more than anything to be successful (at least what I deem to be successful) in my life. The struggle sometimes causes me to second guess or doubt myself, but I never expose this part of myself to others. I put on the "I can do anything" front. I don't feel after this visit I need to put up a front, because I know and must continue to remind myself that I am capable of what seems impossible currently.

I enjoyed the rain and today there were clear blue skies. Despite the clearness there were ripping winds that blew deep into my body. The coolness is not completely detested, but at this point it is not being welcomed into these ice cold arms. I want warmth back to feel my body alive again. I want to be able to sit outside listening to inspirational music, and write. I want to sit outside and just enjoy mother earth and she seems to be stubborn this spring season. Winter is still crawling somewhere in those bones and I just wish that she would shake it out. My reptile like body does not know how much  more it can handle. My father and I had gelato the other day and it was delicious. Though I am almost certain that had it been warmer out the gelato would have been that much more refreshing. I prefer a good gelato to icecream or frozen custard any day. I guess one could argue because I have Italian genetics. I simply argue that it is because I think it looks so much more yummy and pretty!

Not sure what else to say today so I shall end it. I just want everyone to never give up when they are in doubt. As Shakespeare said despite chaos one should never doubt that there will be a happy ending. There will be a happy ending for those who construct it for themselves. Though I still struggle to make sense of the world and our existence I like to think that there are some explanations we can make for ourselves whether they be deemed correct or not. At times I wonder if my mind is more of a punishment, because it is constantly over analyzing just about everything. Questions and thoughts run through my mind at alarming rates that even I have to attempt to slow them down in fear of brain overload. At the same time I find my complex and overly active mind to be beautiful, because I desire and cherish every piece of knowledge that I can gain. This knowledge allows me to understand the world in ways I may not have previously been able to conceptualize. The end of the semester is upon me and I must attempt to set aside these thoughts for summer, otherwise I fear I shall never get all of my work done. I leave you with a beautiful and thoughtful quote said by one very inspirational lady.

"the future belongs to those who believe in
the beauty of their dreams."
-Eleanor Roosevelt.

<3

Alexis Zoe

As the Rain Trickles Down....

It brings with it the fresh sent of hope. Though most may find the downpour to be quite the nuisance and depressing I find it to be a way of cleansing the world. Perhaps the most beautiful thing the rain brings is not it's dark whirling clouds, but the sent of freshness exposing mother earth's perfume. Instantly the world seems to allow more air to flow into my lungs and my body feels a sense of cleansing throughout. I quite like the rain though it tends to not be too friendly to my Jewish locks. I suppose I am beginning to become more comfortable with my genetic Jew fro hair to care if standing on the rain creates it to poof out. Standing out in the rain today with no umbrella was a rush and being near the forest makes my heart and body feel pure. I always said that when it rained it reminded me of the angels crying. The angels cry because the world needs to be cleansed from all the bad. The rain to me is washing away the negative in my life and those who surround me and bringing with it the hope for something beautiful, just as beautiful as the perfume left behind after a glorious rain storm.


At times I feel as though I can be somewhat emotional and craving of attention. I admit that this is a fault and am okay with it. I believe that it is important to embrace our flaws, because that is what makes us so unique. We don't all have the same flaws and if they are similar we don't all deal with them in the same way. I suppose that is what makes humans to beautiful right? We are able to embrace what we do have due to a lack thereof. I think the biggest struggle that anyone will go through is the constant battle to discover within themselves. We are always growing and discovering new things about who we are. Though there will always be exploration and discovery in our lives we must remember how important it is to embrace that which we do have.


I have many qualities and one I like to think is writing. Though this blog is somewhat vague and random I hope that my words will and do inspire. It is amazing what a great book or article can do for the mind and how much it can make another think. Though we may not hit the authors goal spot on we are able to discuss and attempt to make sense. In the process I feel that we learn something about ourselves and this is why I love writing. It helps us grow and relate on a level we may not be able to otherwise. It also gives the author the chance to express themselves in whatever way they so choose to do so.


As I'm sure we've all heard at some point in our lives, life is a roller coaster. We have our ups and downs. The down's take our breath away and often leave us confused or out of breath. The ups allow give us excitement of whats to come and leave us curious as to what comes next. I feel as though currently I am up on the roller coaster. I am not waiting to come down, but I am waiting to see what else this ride has in store for me. One of the main reasons that I am up is because I have such an extraordinary family that provides me with so much support and makes me feel good about the person I have become. I am extremely blessed to have people in my life that support me through my battles and through my dreams. Not everyone has that and though there are very few people within my family I'd rather have few then many who don't support my dreams and acknowledge my efforts.

Not only do my family acknowledge my efforts, but my wonderful boyfriend does as well. At times I do get a bit starved for attention and he is always there and as a human I do get sad and cry just as much if not more than the rain showers, but he is always there to listen. I have never been so attracted or felt such strong emotions for someone and though that scares me a bit I am not afraid to dedicate and put myself in it 100%. Yes, I run the risk of potentially getting hurt in the end. If I don't put my trust in him and believe that he is everything I see then I only am limiting myself and not living my life to the fullest. G-d I believe intends the best for us in the end if we do right in our lives. He gives the good people tough lives, because he knows that they have the ability to help others who are in need and because of their struggles they have the power, appreciation, and drive to do right in the world and to the people within it. I truly believe that he has given me the best right now and will only continue to be rewarding me later. His gift to me right now is Johnny and I can never express how grateful I am to have met such an amazing, talented, and special man.


Tomorrow I will be meeting my mothers best friend from New York at my favorite restaurant of all time, Hackneys! I am excited and anxious all in one to meet her, but I'm sure it will go wonderfully. I'm just excited for good food! It seems more and more difficult to diet now a days with outings and such. At least I attempt to stay active. 10.5 miles in the last 3 days and about 30 flights of stairs! I love being fit. Running, though difficlt whilst doing the action, is so liberating. After a good workout I feel the same as after a nice rain shower. Running combined with watching the rain is total bliss. I'm going to attempt to get some things finished tonight before work tomorrow and talk to the love of my life so I shall leave you with this beautiful quote.


A person is never as quiet or restrained as they seem, as bad or as good, as vulneranble or as strong, as sweet or as feisty. We are thickly layered, page upon page, behind simple covers. & love - it is not the book itself, but the binding; it can rip us apart.

Hope you all have a wonderful start to the week!

Always,
Alexis Zoe<3
 

Hopelessly Pessimistic

I'm sure we've all to some degree felt alone in our lives and as though no one truly was there for us. I suppose that is the perfect way to describe how I am feeling tonight. I want to conquer all I do, but I find it difficult on my own. It's tiring constantly attempting to fight battles and struggles being the captain with no army behind you. I'm constantly listening and keeping promises to others and I feel like many people take advantage of that. I try too hard and I guess people are right I am too nice. The thing is I can't seem to help it. Something will bother me and a lot of times I just want to scream and tell people how I feel but I suppress myself.

Suppression is a pretty constant part of my life I guess it's because I am so terrified of losing people. In the process of not expressing how I feel I tend to distance myself or act in a way that causes just the thing that I am so terrified of.  I guess I'll let it out here, because written word is the only place I feel comfortable to express my emotions. Written words can never run away from me or leave me. They will forever be embedded within my life and if words were human I would be forever grateful for them. I feel as though my friends, family, just about everyone isn't there for me when I am constantly there for them. I don't even feel comfortable talking to people I've known for years about how I really feel because I rarely see or hear from them unless I put in an effort and when I do put in that effort they tend to just discuss their own problems. I always listen and when they are done they are done with me. I remember everything and act on all my promises and people rarely do the same for me. It makes me feel like I hold no importance to anyone. I want to feel important, but in all honesty I just don't. I just feel like the girl who puts in all the effort to get nothing in return.

I feel like if its convenient I'll be squeezed in. If I'm in need or request something of someone it is often denied or just burdensome to that person. Oh well I'm too exhausted to bother writing I'll deal with my demons with some movies. Negative post and I don't care. Not like anyone will bother reading it.

Lexy

Spring's Flowers have created May Powers.

So the headline is kind of sort of cheesy and do accept my apology in advance for that! Today was one of the best days of my entire life. My last blog exposed my fears for my mother and my family, but now I have hope. My mother was informed today that her tumors in her liver are shrinking. What exactly does this mean? My mothers chemotherapy treatments are working! This does not mean that she is cured from this dreadful disease, but it has given my family a glimmer of hope. I could not ask for anything more and perhaps the storm is finally beginning to clear up.

What is not clearing up are these darn Spring allergies! I had never had an issue with sneezing and wheezing around this time of year, but enjoyed the glimpse of the warmth that is getting ready to fall upon us. This year I find myself sneezing constantly and getting the wonderful symptoms of allergies! I now can sympathize and understand why those who possess these allergies complain about how horrific they are. Though allergies are not terribly miserable, they do have some degree of miserableness. That being said despite my sneezing and wheezing I am feeling inspired and excited for the future to come. It is so strange and wonderful how a tiny bit of good news can alter a persons perspective in an instant.

It is Earth Day today and every year I get super excited to promote keeping mother nature well. Some may argue that she is quite destructive (such as the recent volcano overseas), but people can not disregard how beautiful Earth truly is. This is one of the many times of year that I enjoy sitting outside and being inspired despite how polluted Chicago is. I suppose this is part of the reason I am so inspired. I am determined to make everything work in my life and work to my full potential and this is why I have created an Earth Day resolution for myself this year. I intend to spend as much time humanly possible outside of work and school away from my computer. I feel that this will only encourage me to be the most productive that I can be and accomplish all the intense and insane feats I hope to hurdle over!

I am fascinated by medicine and always have been and I have recently realized this while working on what my thesis project will be. I am also interested in gender and media, but I know that I can incorporate these in relation to the health industry. I have decided that I am going to attempt a PhD and perhaps an ultrasound technician simultaneously. Obviously both will have to be part time, but I am determined to do this not only to make those I love proud of me, but to create a better future for my future family.

Putting myself through college, attempting to get by, watching my parents struggle with finances made me determined to have my children never experience such experiences. I want more than anything to provide for my family just as much as my future husband will so that we can enjoy our lives and provide our children with the best educations so that they may have a prosperous life. I do not intend to raise spoiled brats and will no doubt make sure they understand the value of education (as I do!), but I want them to be able to focus solely on that and not have to constantly worry and stress.

My life is full of hard work and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure I break down sometimes and don't know how I will continue on, but I always do and I always surprise myself. When I think it's not possible I convince myself that it is possible and I push through. The reason that I love Johnny (for those of you who know anything about my life that is my loving boyfriend!) is because I feel as though he is just as determined and passionate as I am and that I feel is the most important quality within a person. Not only are my parents doing better and I'm accomplishing my dreams, but I also have him. One of my favorite films entitled Big Fish states that when you meet your true love time stops. I felt that with him and continue to feel it. I know we're not officially forever, but I feel like we are forever and will do whatever it takes to make our relationship work and fight through the struggles that we may encounter. His happiness means more to me than my own and my goal in life is to make him happy and watch him achieve all that he wants to because I know that he will. He gives me strength when I don't think I have any left and inspires me every single day. Moments with him are the type that I will cherish forever and hope to build more memories with him. June could not come soon enough.

Happy Earth Day all. I know this post did not have any structure or flow to its content, but as I have mentioned below sometimes chaos can be a positive thing and in this instance it is just that! Hope you all do something small to help save our planet today, but if you can't try another day. If we all did something small we could change the world. You may feel your efforts are futile, but they are not if you are not alone and have an army behind it. Follow your dreams and always live to be the best individual you can be. We can't explain what life is like after this so we must live as we want to be remembered.

<3
Alexis Zoe

Beautiful Disastrous World You

The title explains my current chaotic state. I often say that chaos is something that I thrive off of, because it challenges me to make sense of all the utter confusion. Chaos as of lately has made me see the term in a very different, more dark light. Optimistic, perky, and lovely little Lexy has been feeling a tad on the opposite end of the spectrum lately and it seems that no one entirely understands the conditions in which I am living. I suppose it takes someone who truly experiences things in the exact same manner that you do to understand something and as I have continued in my education I find that there is no one experience that is the same for everyone despite them going through fundamentally the same experience. Does this make me feel alone? Somewhat, but I believe we can all make sense of the world in various ways to help us cope with the hardships that life throws at us.

Today for class my professor had us read a piece that to me seemed extremely open and vulnerable. It was written by scholar Pineau and was about her experience of birth and her mothers illness. I had read the piece a few days prior and felt touched and in awe of how much this woman disclosed. It was horribly graphic almost to a point of as dramatic theorist would say "grotesque". Initially I felt as though this woman exposed her mother in a gruesome, and unethical manner. Today, I reread the piece while I was at Northwestern Hospital waiting for my mother to get out of her 2 hour long catscan. I felt teary eyed rereading the very eloquently written piece. My experience began to change, because I could relate in that instant to her. Not as far as childbirth, but as far as the experience of death and seeing someone in that state. My mother is not in the ICU thank goodness, I have been there after nearly dying from an allergic reaction and it is the most depressing place I think I've ever witnessed. My mother however has lost a lot of her own capabilities and when she said they held onto any piece of their mother or memory they could I felt very much the same. I began to cry (luckily I was alone in the waiting room) because I felt for her. This work became more than just academic writing to me, but a heartfelt awakening. An experience that is in fact as grotesque and frightening as Pineau describes it. She to me exposed truth and I could feel her pain, her fears, everything that occurs in such experiences. The very information that individuals are afraid of exposing to the world. In that instant I wanted the world to see my story it became an inspiration for what I would like to do for my own work.

I'm abstract, complicated, emotional, and want more than anything else in life to help people. Do I dare say that this piece of academic work helped me? I do indeed believe that this work has inspired me and gave me a sigh of relief. It showed me that it is okay to expose my vulnerability. It is okay to expose the horrible and gruesome that people make you think you should never ever expose to the world. Why must we neglect our experiences and how we see them? These past few weeks I have smiled and told everyone that I was fine. That I would continue to push on and used words I often tell other individuals who are battling some torment within themselves. This was my own self defense mechanism to avoid being vulnerable to others in fear that they may judge me and view me differently.

I am not the girl who cries in public and pouts why me. I am the girl who takes a challenge and battle head on and who does not cower away, but the thing is I still am human. I do feel helpless at moments. I do cry when no one is looking. In class not too long ago I let my mothers cancer out. I unleashed something that I struggle with on a daily basis. It was difficult to have a straightfoward look on my face. To attempt to not cry and vent out to people who I admire and trust, but who really don't know me on an extremely deep level. I did not want to scare them I wanted them to remember me and think of me the same way they always had. I knew that the cancer disclosure would cause them to have a different view of me, but I did not want them to see how much deep hurt it caused me. So I played it cool and when I left that night and started my car I drove home with tears in my eyes. Why couldn't I just cry or talk about it? Why could I only say what was going on and not express my feelings and tell everyone thanks, but I'm fine?

Pineau made me feel okay to be afraid and to want to talk about such a tragic event. On top of my mother being sick my dad nearly died of an infection in his leg. I'm continuing to push and have now assumed full responsibility for my family. I must take care of one semi sick parent until he is better and another that is extremely ill and I am coping the best that I can. My parents often joke about how immature I am, but I think they acknowledge and know how much I have taken on to help them. I just want them to live happy lives and be proud of me. I want them to have a reason to fight and live on to see me succeed to know that they did not fail as parents, but did the most amazing job on the planet.

I am not upset that we lost our house, a house is merely a material nothing more than that. Having them is what brings me the greatest joy. Every moment I get to spend making memories with them makes me the most happy daughter and person the planet. My mom making silly jokes like that I drive like I'm in a "scooter and scoot around". My dad and my political debates over coffee. I cherish all of those precious memories and they have no idea how grateful I am for that. I attempt to show them by surprising them with little gifts. I wish that I was making tons of money so that I could help them, so that they wouldn't have to worry anymore. It is painful to see them worry, struggle, and be sick.

People my age take for granted those that mean the most in life. They do not realize how a parents love will never ever be replaced. I guess I get inspired by such simple things and end up ranting like such. I will end this before it becomes a novel. I have learned a great lesson, that I have to do what I love in life. I love autoethnography and ethnography and I am determined to study it and understand it as fully as I can. I want my story to be heard, I want people to be inspired like I have. More importantly I want to help those who feel afraid like I have so long. I want people to be able to expose the dark corners of their lives, because we should never suppress ourselves. It only causes the pain to build up before it becomes entirely too much to handle. Don't be afraid and don't forget who truly loves you. For if you do, you may miss out on a lot of beautiful moments in life, and those very same moments can never be taken from you. Everything else may be, but those will stick forever and be embedded in your heart.

I love everyone!

<3
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

I wish you could fix me.

It has been far too long since my last blog and I feel compelled to write though it is beautiful out and I should be taking a stroll and riding Spidey. Spidey is my best friend during such weather, because I am able to ride around on my bicycle and take in the world. Chicago may be highly polluted, but when I ride up north or by the lake it is surreal. My whole body and mind feel at peace as I whiz past the whirling winds. It is a time where my mind stops thinking about such complex ideologies for a moment and takes in the world as a simple place full of simple things. If only we could see the world in such a way and take in the beauty instead of being so locked up in the cages that are our minds and lives.

Sometimes I feel as though I am incapable of anything and I know this statement may shock some of you who think that I am capable of nearly everything. I understand my theory that only you could stop yourself from doing what you want in life, but at the same time I often feel incapable and under qualified. Perhaps this because I have yet to accomplish something great or because I am quite young still and have much more to experience in life. I suppose I'm feeling this way because I am so uncertain and unsure about my own emotions. I can't quite figure out what girl I am inside or perhaps I feel like a girl who doesn't really fit in this world. Or maybe I just aspire for too much and only set myself up for disappointment. I've had a lot of let downs in life and each time I've come out okay, but maybe this is problematic. Maybe I shouldn't allow myself to have so many let downs.

I have been really questioning what I am doing with my life lately. Qualitative methods are what speak to me, but I find myself afraid to explore these new types of study. I am so accustomed to one type. Two days ago when speaking about autoethnography I felt at home. This is the type of research I had always wanted to do, but did not think was scholarly. I find myself wanting to conduct more of this type of research, but I'm not sure how to approach and and the uncertainty is somewhat getting to me. I suppose that is what I need to focus on when on my search for a PhD program. Maybe not so much just autoethnography, but an ethnographic study I can conduct to force myself to understand and grow. I feel this type of research can change and teach far more than numbers because it comes from experience. We all experience things and attempt to make sense of it, but often we can't. We put ourselves in situations where we wonder if anyone else has experienced it. There are other people who experience much of what other humans experience, but often they feel alone. These types of studies can expose that they are not alone! I accept that we all experience things differently then others, and interrupt events not in the same fashion but this type of research acknowledges that these types of experiences do occur at least! We can be open to how others dealt or handled certain situations that will perhaps teach us more about ourselves.

My goal in life, if anything, is to teach people and help them. I have always been a very selfless person wanting others happiness before my own. I guess that's why I've allowed myself to experience so much hurt in the past, but I'm starting to realize that it can't always be one sided. However, I find myself in a terrible predicament. I am so accustomed to being silent and being what makes another happy at the time that I feel more awful when I vocally express my emotions. The other day I called my dad and told him exactly how I felt in regards to our relationship and ended up hanging up on him for yelling so much. Then I sat in my car and cried in disgust with myself for being so horrid to my father. How could I? I called him back and began to cry and told him that I loved him and that I just felt used a lot at home and not by him and that I understood.... It completely defeated the purpose of me standing my ground and so I continue to be the same way. I feel awful right now for something that I don't feel like going public about on the internet. It isn't important for everyone to know my business. I wish I hadn't said anything right now and I am completely beating myself up.

I think I will go back to helping people and working my hardest to make others happy. It seems that's what my purpose in life is and what I was made to do. Sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your own happiness in order to prevent others from experiencing pain. Please don't tell me that it is wrong for me to do such things, because I have learned today that it is who I am. I'm a Jew, but I believe Jesus died for everyone's sins... He sacrificed himself. I'm not comparing myself to Jesus, but I feel like I'd rather sacrifice myself for the good of people.

That's not just because I don't care about my own happiness, its because I believe that there is good in everyone. I really, truly believe that everyone has good intentions and feelings. Maybe the only people I don't feel that towards are those who molest innocent children, but there is most likely a deep rooted reason behind that as well... I know what is important in my life and always have. I guess I just grew up faster than I should have. Right now I'm giving some friends advice and attempting to look at the situation in every perspective possible to give them the most sufficient advice and it's actually making me feel better about myself. Ironically, but I just love doing all I can for people. In the end if I can make everyone happy I would even if it meant my own demise. We should all attempt to help others even if we do feel selfish sometimes. Helping one person can make them feel like the world. It is important to make those you love the most feel wonderful. Too many tears are shed in this world... Too much pain is experienced... Too many bad deeds occur because people are wrong done or felt alone.

Love the people you love with everything you have inside and focus on that. We can't save the world... It's far too large. I have given up on my dream to "save" the world, because despite the terribleness in the world that's what makes the little things that much more beautiful. Norstdrom had a walk without your shoes day to raise awareness about children in third world countries not having shoes. Most of the people were disgusted by the idea and this saddened me... We obviously can't comprehend or want to understand other cultures so if we stay so close minded nothing will get solved. We take advantage of little things like having a pair of shoes. Some kids would do anything for a pair of shoes to protect their feet. Everyone appreciate the little things... Prioritize in your lives, because we can't help the world.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice for those you love, for their happiness. You have to be willing to and you have to think about what is really important to you in your life.... This isn't as easy as it sounds when you actually sit down and reflect on your life. Life can be simplified you just have to work out all the kinks and complexities to get to where you want to be in life. Only you can control your destiny so make sure you make the decisions that will make you grow the most in your life.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe <3