I will go down as your lover, your friend.

Give me your lips, and with one kiss we'll begin. You afraid of being alone, cuz I am I'm lost without you. You afraid of leaving tonight, cuz I am I'm lost without you. I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you. I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you. Where are you now? I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming. And if you will keep me from waking to believe this. You afraid of being alone, cuz I am I'm lost without you. You afraid of leaving tonight, cuz I am I'm lost without you. 

I really am lost without Johnny and it's something I am openly admitting on my blog. Something I normally would not do, because disclosure of my emotions towards a man is difficult for me. I can't deny how jealous I am of some people's relationships and I know that is sinful and I shouldn't, but I'm human and sometimes I can not deny the fact that I miss my boyfriend. That I wish I could cuddle with him any night that I would like. That I want to be able to spend beautiful days in Chicago with the love of my life. That I'm not somewhat scared not having him here with me when everything is certain. I suppose nothing is entirely certain and that life is full of uncertainties, but I miss my boyfriend. It doesn't help that I live right next to O'Hare and every five minutes I see a plane and think of how excited he gets and his adorable smile when he sees one. Whenever I think of him seeing an airplane I always feel happy, because I think of how adorable he is and how passionate he is. It's a bittersweet feeling though because I can't actually see him glowing over an airplane, I just have to envision it. Or that half the places in Chicago are called Johnnies. I know that I have to be strong, but seeing half my friends married or engaged on facebook is not helping my cause.

My friend's boyfriend is currently away and she is acting devastated. He's only gone for a few weeks and then will go right back to living with her and being with her 24/7. I wish I only had to deal with not having Johnny here for 2 weeks. I have to go months without seeing him and have to keep strong even when I'm lonely. My friends help me a lot and I am so grateful to have them in my life. They really are my best friends and I feel as though they are blood. I think they feel bad about my situation too, because Matt said tonight "We all have our issues with guys right now, Lexy found the perfect boy for her and he lives in Arizona." That's how I feel too when I am with my boyfriend I feel as though everything is perfect. I wouldn't have it any other way and never want him to leave. When he does it's the most painful experience, because I know how much I am going to miss him. He's worth the wait each time I get to see him again, but I get lonely and miss him deeply. It really is one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with and it is really testing my strength. I am not accustomed to being away from someone. My relationships consisted of me seeing someone at least once a week, but typically it was more. My last relationship I saw the boy minimum of 4 days a week and I thought it was bad being 40 minutes away, but nothing can compare to this. 

I'm always afraid to talk about how I feel about a guy. I've always been hesitant to tell my friends if I like someone, because I am so used to dealing with disappointment. I find it extremely hard to not talk about Johnny and tell them how I feel. I tell them my doubts, my feelings, and how much I love him. It's vulnerable for me and sometimes I wonder if it's the wisest decision. I trust Johnny completely, but we can not predict the future. I have put myself 100% into this relationship and I don't think I've ever done that before. No I know I've never done that before. It scares me, but also makes me so excited for what is to come. I just wish my boyfriend where here I love Chicago so much and being with him in my hometown makes everything feel complete. I don't care where I was as long as I was with him, but whenever he is here it feels more like home. It's so amazing to find someone you feel so comfortable with and that you trust completely. When I'm with him I feel like nothing can hurt me and have a constant smile on my face. Even if it's not on the outside it's inside. When he even puts his arm around me I get butterflies in my stomach and when he kisses me I feel like the world stops. Just describing this is making me miss him even more, but I feel like I need to expel some of my emotions instead of keeping them locked up inside.

Love is the most beautiful gift that was ever given to me. I have the love of the most amazing man I have ever met and who I want to continue to share memories with. Love has been given to me unconditionally by parents who never cease to disappoint me and continue to be a positive influence in my life. My friends love me more than I deserve and I love them just as much. They are my family away from my family and I am grateful for their moral support with each step I take in life. Today we sat by the pool and swam together. My friends did my hair and made me feel good about myself. We went to dinner and pigged out and didn't care about being judged or being considered "fatties", because we love each other just the way we are. The rest of the night we snuggled, cuddled, told each other how much we loved each other, chit chatted about life, and played video game. It was one of the most satisfying and enjoyable evenings I've had in a while and helped me get out of this loneliness that I've felt since Johnny left. I know that in time things will work out the way they are meant to be. I'm grateful to have the people that I do and I can't wait to see my boyfriend again. Until then I'll miss him, but still be just as in love as ever. I just want everyone to know that I love them all, and to never give up on love no matter how difficult things may seem. Love will conquer all if it's true love that's one thing I can be certain of.

Sincerely Me,

Johnny's Girl <3

So many things that I miss dearly.

I suppose music brings back memories and it would in fact be best if I did not insist on listening to old tunes. Tonight I was listening to Enya, Titanic, Sarah McLachan, and many other mellow songs. These songs bring me back to a time where I was internally miserable. I know many of you consider me to be somewhat inspirational, but I am far from it. At one point in my life I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to talk to me. I had so much self hatred and such little confidence in myself that I only ended up hurting myself in the end. I allowed myself to become involved with the wrong people (though I still managed to stay good in the midst of it all) and allowed people to walk all over me. I still have my insecurities, everybody does. What I have learned is that we must love ourselves even our little insecurities. I know that I am not perfect, but I am okay with that. I have accepted who I am and though I still make mistakes and get disappointed in myself I know that I will counteract that with just as much good. These songs remind me of all of the things I miss doing as well in the past. They don't just bring back the sadness I experienced but what I did in part because of all the experiences I had.

One of the main things that I find I miss more than anything is helping others. I used to enjoy spend hours helping teens in need of guidance in their lives. Teens who were abused both sexually and physically, who had eating disorders, and who dealt with the hardships of being in that age group. Kids are mean and I can attest to that. I was the kid that people made fun of in high school. I didn't have many friends, but I never let that get me down in front of them. I stayed strong and I treasured the friends I did have so much more than anyone could imagine. I felt alone a lot of the time though, and I made a deal to myself that I would not let people feel as though they were alone. That I would devout some of my life to letting others know that they could talk to me in during desperate times and not have to be afraid of being judged. We all have our own stories and we all have explanations for events in our lives. Just because we make mistakes or have hardship does not make us any less of a person. I am going to try and dedicate at least an hour a day to helping people again, because I felt so good doing so. When you can make someone smile or say thank you I feel better that is the most beautiful and awarding thing ever. It's better than any monetary award. Just knowing that you could do something good and positive for someone is so amazing and if we could all help each other out more it would be a lot less sad of a world.

Another thing I miss is acting. I feel as though money and worries about school and work have caused me to give up a little on my acting endeavors. If I could afford to live in LA and pursue my dream I would in a heartbeat. I have always had a passion for acting and I know deep in my heart that I am wonderful at it. The reason that I feel I am is because I am compassionate and I really do try to understand the core emotions of that particular character. I miss being on the stage or on a movie/tv set, but mostly the stage. Theatre was something that brought great joy to my life. I memorized lines like nobodies business and became the character. It was a way for me to expel my own emotions as well as do something that made me happy. I really wish I could get involved more, but for now I need to focus on making money for my future. Someday I know I will go back to it and be active as ever. I'd love to even direct kids plays someday or something fun like that!

I also missed eating healthy and working out. I'm slowly getting back on track and I already feel a million times better. Our food industry practically poisons us and for a while I was really adamant about reading food labels and never eating fast food. Since I've gotten back into the dating/relationship scene for the past year or so I have become extremely unhealthy and have even stopped being vegetarian something that was extremely important to me for nearly 5 years. Three of those which were constant. I really am going to cut back on my meats (especially red meats) and eat healthy. This was my lunch the other day and it was fabulous! Yes I make my own homemade smoothies. Jamba Juice has nothing on me :). This is the way we should eat and from now on I am having a fruit smoothie for breakfast and eating lots of yummy vegetables. One thing that I am completely guilty of is eating at night, especially after workouts. When I am hungry after workouts instead of eating sweets and defeating the purpose of my workout I have been munching on watermelon. You can't go wrong with a food that is nearly all fiber and water! I feel filled and satisfied. Plus watermelon is the most refreshing food to eat after a workout! I'm also going to make myself run 13 miles a week because I intend to run a half marathon in 2011 which has been my dream for such a long time!. I typically run 3-5 miles a day depending on my mood, but I just need to keep up and go at minimum 4 days a week to the gym.

The last thing I miss is writing endlessly and spending time with my family and friends. I feel as though I sometimes get anti social and use writing as an excuse to stay home. Though I stay home I typically do not get any writing done and I used to pump out 20 pages in one sitting. I know that I need to be proactive and sometimes going out helps to clear your mind and put your life into perspective. I have always felt that keeping busy makes you a more productive person in general. It's when I sit at home and am lazy that I notice I get nearly nothing done. Anywho, it's 1 am and I should be asleep. I just want to wish my mother a wonderful 60th birthday (and I hope she doesn't get upset that I mentioned her age on my blog!) She is the most beautiful and strong person I know. She informed my brother and I that we are the reason she is here because we give her so much love. That nearly put me in tears, because I feel as though I lack a substantial amount of love at times. Mom you have many more birthdays to share with us and you are beautiful inside and out. I love you and I hope you're birthday is as amazing as you are!

Night my darlings <3
Alexis Zoe

The quieter you become, the more you can hear.

 "Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way."

Church today was extremely inspirational despite having something embarrassing pop up. I know many of you will be shocked to hear that I actually have attended some services at a church. I want to make a disclaimer that I have not converted and am not intending to straight away. I was raised Jewish and have been extremely rooted in my faith. What I believe in my heart is that as long as you have faith in the lord then you are doing something right. I do not believe that any one religion is better than anyone else's and as church taught today one should not judge. It is ultimately not up to us to make judgments, but to let the lord make the final judgment. I really enjoyed this part of church, because I have always believed that we should not judge people. We are all people existing together. We all were sent here by g-d and though we choose different paths (not always the correct ones) we are all his children. We are blessed to be alive and we should help others who are in need and not judge people by who they are.

We so often judge people and actually avoid people because we've predetermined who they are. We are not ones to say whether a person is good or not. We can not judge a person based on what we see, because it's not righteous judgment. I love all people and feel we are all blessings to this world and I am hurt to see how awful we treat each other. I have been doing a lot of praying for not just the people that I love, but all the people in the world. I pray for the suffering, for those who are lost, and for anyone who just feels alone in this world. Even though you may not see them to be significant in your life they still exist, and still need others. As humans (by scientific theory) we group together in a desperate need to be with other people. We are social animals, but we are so much more than just animals. We group together because we long to understand our existence and by speaking to others and learning we are able to better understand why we are here and what our duties as humans are.

I do believe that there is something more for us all after this life. I can't believe what some do that we are nothing but mere molecular bodies that will eventually decay into earth. I do believe that our bodies will come back and that we will be perfect and that our insecurities will be erased in death. I look forward to that, but I still love living. I still love my mortal body and being alive and I've been struggling with some major decisions in my life. I really longed to go away to school my entire college career. PhD is my last opportunity to go away as a student and it's something I've wanted for so long. When I really look at my life right now and where I really need to be I know the answer. It's come to me. I love my mother and my father. I don't want to leave my little brother by himself should something happen to my mother. I have an obligation here, but the obligation isn't a negative one. It's a positive one, because I know my heart is full of so much love for my family that I just know the right thing to do is stay here. I don't have to live in Chicago my entire life and I don't know if I intend to, but for now this is where I need to be.

It hurts to feel so torn between two people and that's how I've been feeling lately. A part of me just wants to pack my bags and be with the man that I love and that I feel right with. The man that I can see myself actually having a future with and who I truly love with all of my heart. The other half feels as though I can't just abandon my family who have been there for me my entire life. Who I have decades of memories with and who I know will love me no matter who I become. It's a difficult struggle because going to be with my love gives me the chance to go to another school, but I just can't leave my mother. Tears are coming to my eyes just thinking about the pain I'd be in if I left and something happened to her. I know eventually we all die and I do believe that my mom will go to a better place and will get what she deserves in the end, because she is one of the most wonderful and loving mothers anybody can have. She has sacrificed everything in her life for her children and so has my father. They both deserve awards which I can not supply them with. I can only show how grateful I am to have them.

I know that if I keep being the person that I am and staying true to who I am that the answers will all come to me. Everything works out the way it is meant to in the end I truly believe that. If we work hard enough and never let failure push us backwards we can only continue to move forward. I am prepared to face anything that life has to offer to me, because I know that someday everything will be perfect. I know that someday I will be somewhere more gorgeous and wonderful than anyone can ever comprehend. That is enough to make me want to live my life to the fullest and be the best person that I can. I know that those who have passed are watching over me and want to guide me in the right direction to. I will never forget my Aunt or Grandmother and will always love those women (especially my aunt). My mother is my inspiration she fights so hard through such a tough struggle and I know that my petty problems are nothing compared to some. There is so much sadness, pain, and struggle in the world and I am blessed to have a man who loves me with all of his heart (and whom I love deeply and am eternally grateful for) and a family who will always be there for me even at my worst. I also have wonderful friends who make me feel loved and special and encourage me to be who I am.

Dear fellow habitants of this great world that g-d has created for us, please listen to others. Please have an open ear and an open mind and do not judge others. You never know what you may learn from others in the world if you just listen and you do not prejudge them. You could meet your best friend or the love of your life. Remember that we are all people and we all need each other. We all go through struggle and understand that life isn't always sweet, but often is sour. With the right combination of sweet and sour you can make a tasty treat and that treat is life. We are blessed to be able to feel guilt and sorrow, because when we feel joy we really feel joy. We appreciate all the good things that do happen to us and we are able to repent for the bad that we've done. If we live righteously we will get something better in the end and I intend to continue to be myself and live the way I've always seen fit and right. I know it will only lead me to good places in the end. Hope you all have a wonderful, and blessed Sunday.

Sincerely me,
Alexis Zoe

Crying does not make you weak.

In fact, crying makes you so much more strong. When I was a little girl somebody that I was extremely close with told me that crying was for the weak. That it was not proper to cry and that there was no reason for tears, because the person you cried for typically was not seeing your pain. For years I believed that crying was sin. I could not bring myself to cry because of those words and at my own grandmothers funeral I did not cry despite how close I was with. As I grew older and witnessed several people I deemed to be strong crying I realized that it was okay to cry. Crying had a newfound meaning it was not for the weak, but for the strong. Tears only signify that you are not afraid to expose your emotions. It still is difficult for me to completely express myself off of written text, but I'm becoming better at it. 

Tonight I went out with my friends and I felt as though I fell into the same cycle of my typical Lexy. I attempted to act as though nothing really bothered me and that I was extremely happy to be out when I was in actuality exhausted and just wanted to go home and curl up with my blankets. I'm feeling lonely, but I am happy. I know that emotions eventually pass and we must push forward. Sometimes they are harder to get out of, but I know I will in time. I suppose I've always wanted to be able to express myself and have had trouble because I've been focused on keeping everything internal. It was always a self defense mechanism that I kept buried deep inside of me. When I do attempt to say how I feel I often feel as though I'm shut down. People don't listen and try to see things from my eyes. It only is through their own, which is a bit discouraging. I attempted to talk to my dad about how I felt and I could not completely tell him. I felt frustrated with myself and I believe he could sense the frustration.

I suppose I just am sleepy and am again lacking sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Goodnight blog.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

Nightmares Ruin your Day

I'm not sure why nightmares have such an effect on me, but I suppose that's my overactive imagination that causes it. When I dream it's as if I am in fact taken to another world and it becomes real for me in those few hours that I am asleep. It's quite interesting to think about dreams, because though they may not have any meaning I can't help but wonder if dreams are an extension or part of our lives. I remember once I was questioned about whether or not I thought dreams could possibly be the real part of our lives and our living was a dream. I do not believe that dreams are reality, but it's crazy to think about. We don't really know if dreams mean anything significant or if they are "real". I've had dreams before that eventually happened so maybe I can predict the future in my dreams? That would be cool if it were true, but I would hope this dream wasn't a part of my near future.

Nightmares usually wake me up eventually, but this nightmare would not allow me to wake up. I also ended up waking up practically in tears. It was not a fun experience and I just wanted to be held and told it was okay, it was just a dream. I think I need to stop running before bed, because I typically have more dreams when I run right before bed. Last night I was hard on my body, so hard that I actually was sick from it. I went up and down 15 flights of stairs. Ran nearly 3 miles at a decent speed, and lifted. Now you have to understand that I haven't been as active as I was and I probably should have slowly got myself used to being so active, but I insisted on beating up my body. I'm not at all sore today or feeling sick, but last night I didn't think I would make it up the last 2 stories without fainting. Despite being sick it was a good workout. Chicago was storming and I always love running during thunderstorms because it's so much more peaceful to me. It makes me forget for a moment that I'm running and my legs are actually working when I see the sky illuminated by lightening. I can't complain about the actual run, but I can complain about how horrid I felt after, which most likely led me to having such a nightmare.

I feel so lonely today, it's the weirdest feeling. Normally I am happy when friends call or excited to be doing something today I just feel like blah. I don't feel like doing anything and just feel like laying in bed and cuddling with my pillows. I guess I'm just feeling this way because Johnny just left and I miss him like crazy. It usually takes me a few days after I'm away from him to get back to my life and stop missing him as much. The initial goodbye is always the hardest, because I know I won't see him for an extended period of time and as much as I like to pretend that it doesn't bother me it does. I miss him a lot when he's not here or when I'm not there. I know he's worth waiting for and being strong for and I have been. I just need a lot of affection I guess because knowing I won't get a hug or a kiss for a few months kills me inside. I'm happy though and that's what gets me through it all even on these lonely days when I feel like curling up in my bed and being withdrawn from the world. I know a lot of people who are in long distance relationships like me and it gives me hope when I see them prospering. I put my trust and faith into my relationship and I have confidence that this time will be different, despite us being apart.

I really need to get on my writing. I feel as though I will not graduate at the rate I am going. I can't keep making excuses that I have a lot on my mind, or I'm too afraid to drive myself to Starbucks to get working, or I don't have enough information. I have to just do, because I know if I sit down and focus I will most likely get a large amount finished and I need to do just that. It's so hard to be inspired as of lately. I know that if I keep chugging along and try to go into the right direction that I will. I know that we may not always get to where we think we will be, but eventually we will be where we are meant to be. I don't know what will happen in the future or what will become of my life, but I have to trust I will go where I need to be. That I guess is my new found inspiration to continue writing. I have to put faith and trust in my writing just as I do in Johnny and nearly everything else in my life. If I don't I won't get things done and I won't get through the rough points in life.

<3
Lexy

True love is Sacrifice.

Love is thinking about others before think about yourself. Love is selfless not selfish. Love is g-d and g-d is love. Love is when you lay down your life for another. Love is true. I'll put you in front of me so everybody can see my love this is my love. I know that I'll be alright as long as you are my guide my love. This is my love. Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy it does not boast. It isn't proud. Love is not rude. It isn't self seeking. It is not easily angered. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres. Love never fails. Love is everlasting, it's eternal. It goes on and on it goes beyond time. Love is the only thing that lasts when you die. 

I'm no longer fearful of being emotional, because I believe that feeling for others is an important and beautiful quality to possess. I know deep down that I can not save the world and that I can only do so much to understand and be there for others, but I enjoy knowing that I can do something. Something doesn't have to be life changing it can just be the shoulder for someone to cry on. If we all had sympathy and understanding for others in the world it would be such an easier existence. I'm sure we can all agree that life at times can be a challenge and we all have our moments. We are human and we were not made to be completely perfect. We are flawed, but that does not mean that we can not work at ourselves to eventually be satisfied with the person that we become. It breaks my heart to see others suffering and I realize how little help I have been to the world lately. I know deep down what I want out of life and that is partly why I enjoy writing and why I write on what I do. I want to eradicate a lot of issues that I believe are important to confront despite how difficult they may be. 

I know many women are not going to agree with the way I see things, but it sickens me how hypersexualized women are in today's society. I was watching television with my mother last night and saw Katy Perry's new album cover which nearly made me choke on my drink. I'm not a huge fan of her, but I liked how she was somewhat modest. When I saw a naked Katy Perry just having a pink cloud covering her put I felt a piece of me die inside. So many women present themselves half naked and what message is this sending to other women? What about the young girls who listen to these pop stars music? You need to dress sexually and skimpy to be noticed by men. You need to have sex with men for them to love you? I can't believe that and I won't. I believe you can be just as beautiful, sexy, and attractive dressed tastefully not to mention you look classier. So much more domestic violence and rapes are occurring today, because women oversexualize themselves. I pray that one day women will be modest once again and not feel as though they need to fit a certain criteria to be considered beautiful and be loved by men. Not all men need sex or a half naked woman to be happy. In fact, media often makes them feel as though they need to be that derogatory towards women.

I know a song should not explain how men should treat their women or what women should look for, but this song should be close to what you get out of a relationship (in my own beliefs). 

Just the way you are. 

This song is beautiful and it's how I feel right now. I know that I am not perfect, nobody is. Our imperfections are what make us unique from one another. I could lose a bunch of weight and be the string bean the media tells me I should be. I could get my belly button pierced and show skin. I could even grow my bangs out and dye my hair, but that is NOT who I am. I am staying true to myself and if somebody truly loves you they should love you for who you are. I am a nerd and I am naive. I'm book smart and know very little about the streets despite living in "gangsta mafia" Chicago. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I'm okay with what I am capable and not so capable of. I believe that I am a beautiful person both inside and outside and as long as I am happy with and those I love are happy with who I am that is all that should matter.

People worry so much about what others think that they in fact let others define who they are. I remember seeing a quote that said we sacrifice 3/4 of ourselves to be like somebody else. We become so consumed with what others want us to be that we stray from who we actually want to be. You do not have to be perfect to be perfect for somebody else. Personality is what I believe should take you places and beauty will only get you attention. It won't get you love if your personality is hideous. I will not let the media or what is deemed to be beautiful change who I am. I am confident in who I am and I am happy with the person I have turned out to be thus far. 

I'm grateful to have a boyfriend who loves me for who I am. I've never had problems getting attention especially when I was thinner, but I don't think I've ever felt so loved in my entire life. Feeling loved is simply indescribable. I believe if everyone felt as loved as I did it would be hard to stay sad for very long. It's incredible to feel such a comfort level with someone and not feel as though you are just settling. I became convinced that I would never find anyone that my heart actually felt strongly for. I thought that movies were the only fix I'd ever get for witnessing true love. I was gravely mistaken and I suppose the whole saying "if you don't look for love you'll find it" has some truth to it. I wasn't looking for anything serious I just wanted to be alone and focus on myself. Now I have found something beautiful and worth every single heartache I had to suffer in the past. In fact, I never knew what heartache really was because if Johnny left me that would be true heartache. I feel like I can just be Lexy around him and I don't have to be afraid of him judging who I am. I don't feel afraid to express myself. I know people are afraid for me because I have been so hurt in the past, but I am putting my 100% into this relationship. You have to take a chance when it comes to love and you have to have faith. I believe that we all have a path we are on and that we just have to follow our hearts. Eventually we will go in the right direction, but sometimes we get lost.

Love as the song states at the beginning of the post takes work. It doesn't come easy and you have to be willing to put others you love before yourself. If you are always thinking about yourself you will never sustain any sort of relationship I don't care if its with family, friends, or in a relationship. I can honestly say I would sacrifice everything that I have for every person that I love in my life right now and that may be only a handful of people, but I truly love those people. We become so consumed in ourselves and what we have that we forget how important the people in our lives are. I would rather spend time with those I love then have a billion dollars. I would rather put my effort into the people I care about then party every night. My best memory was being with my boyfriend at the beach here in Chicago. We just did whatever we wanted, made goofy things in the sand, went swimming in the freezing lake, and enjoyed being with one another. We didn't have to be at some fancy restaurant or in some ritzy resort we were just happy being together and making memories on the beach. I know that people have concerns about my relationship being long distance, but I love him and he loves me. Love knows no distance and you can't put a price on having someone that loves you. I don't know many people who actually are grateful to have the people they do in their lives. It's a shame and when they have nobody at the end that's also disheartening. That is why I try to be there for everyone, because they shouldn't have to be alone no matter how they chose to live their lives. I am not the one to judge them in the end g-d is. I just don't want people to feel alone.

Love Always,

Alexis Zoe

It's so lovely to have you back.

My dearest and darling blog,

I almost lost you and the loss of you was actually more disheartening to me then my actual email (though my email was extremely vital to my life as well). I have distrust for the interwebs as of currently and distrust in nearly everything expect for the people in my life. It's as if inanimate objects that I can not directly communicate with, though some would argue I could communicate with, are in fact against me. Two of the things I once was so passionate about have now become more of a nightmare. Chicago is beautiful tonight, the air is crisp, the humidity has subsided for tonight due to a tremendous storm; but, I am trapped inside of my room only dreaming of the nights I used to take my car up to Wisconsin for a ride on nights such as these. I realized today while driving to work how afraid I've become of driving. It's quite sickening and I know eventually I will get over it, but I'm not sure I'll love driving in the same way that I used to. I trusted my car to get me somewhere safely and felt so free. The internet used to be a slight addiction for me as well. I felt good being able to disclose anything I wanted and open myself up more than I ever could in person. Now I'm fearful that some creep is reading my every thought and raiding my accounts. I suppose this is just a reminder that we are not invisible whether it be in our cars or online. Something awful is bound to happen eventually to give you a wake up call that you are not invisible and that being cautious is extremely important.

I'm no longer bored as easily I've found as well, which is one positive thing to be grateful for. When there was nothing to do at work I would sit there staring at my computer screen wasting nearly every moment online. Now I'm online, but I try to accomplish things. I enjoy working at a desk and having my own "office" space. As you can see I keep it a lot more tidy then my actual room though I do try to file and take care of all my precious articles. I'm running out of space for books and articles though and can't wait until I can be teaching and have my own office to store all my goodies in. I don't think I'd ever leave. I almost didn't want to leave the office today just so I could sit there and be productive. I feel as though with these upcoming opportunities I will inevitably become more productive. I know I will most likely burn out in time as I typically do, but I actually enjoy burn outs because it makes me feel as though I am working to my full potential and not letting anything get in the way of that. I think ambition is important and my parents are making me realize how important it is to me and how important it should be to nearly everyone. We won't get anywhere if we are lazy and don't try to keep ourselves busy. Sure it's fun to hang out with your friends and get out every once in a while, but you need to have responsibility as well. I like to think I've been quite responsible, but I feel as though working as much as I will be will only heighten me ability to be an adult and eventually leave my parents apartment. I don't want to leave them right away, because I am getting a head start here by not having to pay any real bills and for that I am forever grateful to them and in debt to them.

I just feel as though I have a lot of decisions to make about the direction I want to take in my life. We are the drivers in our own lives and we make the decisions of where we are going and where we are going to stop to take breaks. I feel as though I'm the fearful driver that I have actually become and that I'm hesitant to make bold moves and do what I feel is right even if it may not please everyone. I've let myself go been gaining a ton of weight, eating unhealthily, not writing as much as I should, not staying true to myself and I have an idea of why this is. I'm going to start turning this around, because I know I can't stay afraid or hesitant forever. I have to follow my heart on what I want out of my future and stop listening so much to others. I want to be beautiful and feel confident. I want to be successful and feel as though I don't have to worry about financial issues. I don't want to put in all the effort all the time. I want more than anything to get out into the world again and enjoy the beauty. I want to be a productive citizen and I want to inspire others to do so as well, because if we all try our hardest and work our hardest we become that much more satisfied with who we are. I will not let anyone knock me down. That is all. I shall write a more inspirational happierish post later perhaps!

Sincerely me,
Lexy

Effortless Attempts for Reform

Forgive me dear blog for quite some days have passed and I have left you dry of newly compiled words. You're sole purpose in life is to await my fingers to press gently across the keyboard writing about the trials and tribulations of everyday life and alas I have failed you. I have left your purpose meaningless, but you continue to stay active waiting. I have been really working hard to understand what exactly I want to do for my thesis and I have written a good 10 pages that I am completely satisfied and proud of. I don't feel prepared to continue to my slew of information just yet, because I feel as though I am lacking the capabilities to write a fluid and real substantial piece that will speak to the world on some great level. I know that with a masters thesis there is no dire need to create a piece which will change the world, but I'd at least to feel as though it changed my life in some way. My introduction has done that thus far, but I'm concerned about my methods and literature review even after my long discussion with my fantabulous thesis director.

I've been doing a lot of praying lately and my answers I feel are being answered, but I have this fear that is overtaking me and it is consuming my every will to do what I feel is right. It's as though I was born to constantly be in battle with myself due to not only the amount of close minded individuals that surround me, but because I'm afraid to make huge decisions for myself. I know that ultimately I must listen to myself in the end and I suppose that is what I really need to do for my thesis as well. I just struggle with that one aspect so much. I cater to make others happy, I want to make the world happy. I was reading a scholarly article by Barbara Jago (2002) which describes her battle with depression. I don't have depression, but I can relate to that struggle and battle that she experiences with her depression. My battle is with my strong desire to make others happy and making decisions solely based off of that. I live in fear of nearly every little thing, constantly analyzing this life and attempting to make sense of how others will feel if I react or respond in such and such ways.

I guess that's why I value my relationship with g-d and always have, because he listens to me and does not judge me. I don't have to make him happy all the time, because he will forgive me as long as I do the right things and try not too stray too far from my path. It's funny because you want so desperately to make something of yourself and make others proud, but it isn't always easy. I want to be an academic more than anything I feel as though it is my calling. I question my abilities and often find my writing to be useless and I hate that I am so hard on myself. I long to travel all over and discuss my research, because that is what makes my research feel so much more real and rewarding is being able to talk about it opposed to just having it published all over and never getting to speak of it. I can't afford to go to conferences I barely make money at the University and now I have another fear which has cost me a fortune. I question whether I will have the strength in me to leave and go to a different University away from my parents. I'm more concerned about what makes them happy and I fear if I leave I will be lost, poor, and alone.

I know I have to just follow my heart and keep confiding in the Lord and looking for the answers that are true and needed. Life isn't always simple and these articles discussing scholars difficulties in academia gives me hope that one day I will be able to be them. One day I will be cited and known in the academic world. I pray and hope for that day to come and I pray I have the strength to figure out what I will be doing with my life in the near future.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

Open to being close minded.

I understand that my choice of title may be somewhat perplexing. One may feel the nature of such a title is dichotomous, almost contradictory. Recently I have opened myself up to something wonderful and I feel a bit of inspiration due to it. This does not mean that I am changing the Alexis that I always and will always be, but it means that I'm allowing myself to understand my own beliefs more deeply than ever. Most of the people that I have encountered thus far in life have been "liberal" "open" "accepting" people. What I find quite fascinating is that theses supposed open people have proven to be even more close minded than those considered to be close minded. Ultimately, I believe that we are all people and all the lords children whether we be black, white, hispanic, male, female, disabled, gay, straight, and whatever other differences you can come up with. We must embrace and be grateful that we have all been given this opportunity to live here on Earth. We must be open to all things in life even if we don't initially agree with them, because if we are not then we may miss out on something that is life changing.

My life has been changed for the better and I am inspired more than ever to actually put my talents to use. I have always preached that if we want something enough we will obtain it. I am lacking that drive that I once had to accomplish all. I am not practicing what I preach and am putting my talents to waste all because I have become lazy. Laziness I believe to be a sin in itself because it does not allow us to do the good that we have to offer the world. Everyone has their talents and they should embrace them and work at them. We are all not gifted at everything and that is what makes us all so unique and beautiful. We are different from one another and have been blessed with our own special abilities. I really believe that there is goodness in each and every human heart and that is hard for me to say seeing as I am so strongly against certain groups of people. Do I think everyone should be forgiven? If they are truly sorry then yes, I do believe that people should be forgiven. You can not fake true sorrow for the wrongs that you have committed.

I am somewhat tired tonight and want to read some academic journals before bed. I feel that I have been slacking and really need to get my mind and self to work. I know that I can accomplish anything if I just keep myself on a schedule and allow myself to improve on what I have been lacking. Life is too short and too precious to waste time away.

Love you all!

<3 Alexis Zoe

I'd prefer Florida weather to leave Chicago.

After the few incidents that I have had I feel much more secure and happy when I am riding public transportation. I'm sure that I have mentioned this previously, but I feel compelled to mention it yet again. Today was not the most thrilling day to take the bus and though I'm quite frightened to drive I wish I had been in my nice air conditioned car not walking miles to school on this humid Chicago day. I've been advised that South Florida is a wonderful school to obtain a PhD in more qualitative communication research. I considered South Florida for a brief moment, but then realized that it was not that close to Disney World. If it had been closer to Disney World I may have considered it, but I just can't take Florida's humid weather. At least if I were able to go to Disney I would be in a place surrounded by happiness and forget for a moment that I was in a suffocating wave of humidity. Sure it's nice and warm and I'm sure during the winter it is gorgeous, but I can't fathom being encased in a steam room 24 hours 7 days a week during the summer months.

While walking I could feel my hair curling, releasing it's true Jewish form. Though I normally am completely beside myself when this happens I didn't care much today. I just kept reminding myself that it was the natural me, and that the natural me was just as beautiful as the straight haired me. I think the most important part of life is just being satisfied with who you are and never giving up on yourself. I truly believe that you create your own happiness and I'm constantly reminded of this with my screen saver here at work which reads create happiness. I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life and honestly I shouldn't be because I've had the most dealt to me during this time period. I suppose all of this positive energy sparked when I began to write my thesis and took a deep look at life and what I want out of it. I know what I want, but not entirely where I will end up. That doesn't matter, what matters is that I get there. If I stress too much about things I will waste so much energy on the stress rather than focusing on getting to that finish point in this race of life. When I wake up in the morning I remind myself that it is a brand new, fresh day and that it will be different from yesterday. That if I want to change something I can and that I will accomplish even more and get closer to achieving my dreams. Each day brings new hope and new memories and lessons. I cherish each day and though everyday life can be somewhat mundane and boring it isn't. We are alive and we have to remind ourselves that it is a blessing we are able to breath air for that day. Even if we are just sitting around we just need to appreciate that we are alive and well able to experience.

Lately I have been discussing how much I do for others and how it has taken a toll on my well being. I began to write furiously about my own experiences in my thesis and began to understand why I enjoyed helping others so much. It wasn't because I felt bad for them or felt like I was obligated to, but because I understand how much people are dependent on others. You can do so much for someone by just listening to them and I used to be the best listener in all the land. I used to sit and listen for hours and wait until the other person wanted me to say something. I encouraged and attempted to make those who needed me feel as though the could confide in me whenever they needed to. I never discouraged anyone and never gave negative input. As time progressed and I became more busy I began to stop listening as well. It became more of a "what am I going to get out of this conversation" type of situation. Somewhere in all of the chaos life has to offer I forget how wonderful it made me feel when I just listened and encouraged instead of making things about myself or turning something somewhat negative. I've been attempting to listen more effectively and go back to the "old lexy" the one that had so much care in her heart that it nearly was about to explode. The heart that always sacrificed it's well being to lend somebody a hand.

There is so much people can do they don't even realize what they are capable of. It doesn't take much to make another person happy or do something for someone else. You can volunteer a couple hours a week and help the starving, abused, depressed, and afraid people in the world. You can be there for your family and friends and give them hope and encouragement. Inspiration is found in so many different forms and the second you are able to let go of your own selfishness and think about others that is the moment you will find true happiness. I want to apologize for not being perfect, but I know that I never will be. Nobody will be perfect we all make mistakes in life and we all have moments where we wish we hadn't said something or done something. We can't take those back, and we must move forward or we will never continue to grow. If you live in the past you are limiting yourself and the one thing you must know about life is that it can not be limited. If you want something bad enough you will achieve it. I always say that people are capable of as much as they tell themselves they are capable of. If I want to be an academic and publish a book I can. If I want to run a half marathon I can. These dreams may seem difficult, but the challenge is what makes them so much more rewarding in the end.

I love life and thank the lord everyday for the days he has given me. For the people he has surrounded me with, and for being there when nobody else seemed to be. With him I am never alone and as long as I remain positive and happy. Things get hard and we all have feelings and get emotional, but its the ability to work past these that make us strong and the people we are. We can not hold grudges or hate, as the Amish say forgiveness is what makes us powerful. If we are able to forgive then we are able to do anything. If we try we are never failures. Our dreams are something that nobody can rob from us. And our memories are the most special gifts we will ever receive.

Love always,
Alexis Zoe

Life's Many Disappointments.

I used to be extremely disappointed if I was unable to catch a fish while fishing. I tried to pinpoint why exactly I cared so much about catching a fish. Some fishing days just aren't good ones if the fish don't bite nobody is going to have a good fishing day. It doesn't make you any less of a fisherman (or woman). I began to think back to the main reason I ever even wanted to go fishing. I mean when I tell my friends I tear apart worms, touch craw-fish, and hook chicken livers they were disturbed that such a girly girl would do such things. My friends, though they do not appear to be as glamorous as I, are just as glamorous if not more. This is to be expected though right? I mean I'm from Park Ridge Illinois a very ritzy area. When my friends ask me why I enjoy doing such gruesome things and how I can even touch a fish I respond that I enjoy spending time with my father and not having anything to worry about for a few hours. I enjoy being outside and seeing how beautiful and jaw dropping the world really is. Mother nature world that is. The smell of the fresh air clearing my lungs from the Chicago polluted air, the feeling of grass blades in between my toes, and the crisp blue water. It's indescribable being outside with somebody that you love and that loves you just as much. My dad taught me everything I know about fishing and it's one of my favorite past times.

Today I was a bit tense and my dad could sense this. He told me to just relax and that I just have to take each day one at a time. It has been difficult for me to do so with the world on my shoulders. I want to pretend that I'm completely and utterly sane at the moment, but I can't say that I am. Well I'm not what you would consider insane, but I'm stressed out about a lot of things. I know that there is a reason everything is happening all at once and that sometimes we just have bad luck, but it's inflicted fear. Fear is something that I do a lot of research about, because I feel that fear is the most limiting emotion we can experience. As most of you know I am like a bird. I like to soar and be fearless, make fast turns, and dive hundreds of feet without knowing exactly what will happen. I feel as though I've become a bird with my wings clipped. Stumbling on the ground wondering why I'm not in the magnificent sky soaring. Wondering when I will be my normal bird self and be able feel the air wisp past me, conquering the skies. It's scary being in a situation you are not accustomed to, but until I find a way to fix my clipped wings I have to keep searching and never give up otherwise I will never be up in the pretty blue skies again. That's enough to motivate me and suppress the fear. Fishing kind of helps me and is a remedy to this fear.

Like I said I used to care how many fish I caught. Today I only caught one fish, which would have normally upset me. Today I didn't care I was just happy to have caught one fish. Even when my line snagged or I lost bait to a fish I was happy and enjoying just being there. Just casting my reel and waiting. My snow cone my dad bought me even fell when I was half finished and instead of being all bummed out I just said to my dad that's g-ds way of saying I wasn't meant to eat the rest of that snow cone. Maybe the rest was poison or something. We both laughed together and enjoyed our father daughter time. Not many people have such amazing fathers. As I study gender differences and analyze my own experiences I realize that there are not that many good men in this world. The media and other formats have oversexualized males beyond the point of no return. Men have become less moral, less respectful of women, and not as family driven as they once where. Romance has died in relationships and people take advantage of having somebody good in their lives. I've seen so many relationships fail and so many settle. It's sad that people don't even do the simplest of things to make someone know that they are cared about or loved. When I do see couples that are happy it gives me hope and makes me happy! I know there are good men out there because I have two really wonderful men in my life. I'm blessed to have a father who loves me and who does the most he can for his family. I have a boyfriend who lets me know on a daily basis that he loves me he never fails to do so. Even if I lose one or both of these men I'm blessed to have known them and had them in my life, because they give me hope that other men are like them. Not just hope for myself, but for other women that I care a lot about.

I really am in this weird, twisted, writing mood today. I suppose it's because I am in one of those "I want to make sense of everything and anything" moods. I now cannot afford to go to my Minnesota Conference (which is extremely disappointing to me), but NCA is much more important and I have to save my limited funds for what is important. If I can get the job I applied for or something and save some money I would be able to travel more, but it's just so difficult. This economy really is mind blowing, but I know someday soon I will have a nice job with a nice salary. It's just a matter of waiting it out. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of this holiday Monday. :]

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe

Proud to be an American.

Despite how idiotic most Americans seem to be when it comes to a holiday such as the Fourth of July. I feel bad for all the firefighters, paramedics, and police officers on a night such as the fourth what with all the drunken fools blowing things up. Now I'm a huge fan of fireworks (for those of you who are close with me you know I have this huge attraction towards anything glittery and shiny), but it still scares me knowing people are blowing things up under influences of devil poison (my new word for alcohol). I was pleased to be sitting safely on my sixteenth floor balcony watching a panoramic view of all the fireworks in the Chicagoland area. I really do have the best view for fireworks and Jackie was pleased to see how wonderfully beautiful the fireworks were from my apartment complex. The fireworks helped take my mind off of all the troubles that have been present in my life and the most recent incident, which I don't care to disclose for all on my blog.

I felt like a little kid again having my friend over for the fireworks. I've never really enjoyed the Fourth of July, because as a child my mom looked out for me and made me sit inside due to my hearing loss. After that it was just another holiday to me. I wasn't extremely pleased with any of my Fourths, but this time was different. Jackie and I ate yummy BBQ, sat and gossiped, watched the fireworks on the balcony, and ate red, white, and blue popsicle. The popsicle part was probably my favorite, because I love anything that's colorful and holiday themed. Not to mention it was delicious and refreshing on such a humid night in the Chi! The one thing I dislike about the midwest is how awfully humid it gets! The humidity tends to be so uncomfortable at times that you feel as though you are unable to breath. As you can see my hair was struggling to stay straight and began to turn Jewish. My bangs are also obnoxiously long I was supposed to get them cut on Saturday, but I had a major problem so they continue to stay in front of my face, annoying me.

Another part of holidays that I completely, and utterly dislike is the amount of food you are practically expected to eat. If you know anything about my family, you'll know my father is a fairly large fella. Not that I hate this, but he knows how to eat. He also enjoys making tons of food allowing for plenty of leftovers. Our fridge is jam packed full of BBQ so naturally we are expected to eat this food for the next week. When I want something that is "health nut" like he tells me to buy it myself. Before I was broke I'd go to Trader Joes every week and buy only healthy foods. I was so much thinner! I can feel myself getting unhealthy from the excessive amounts of greasy, unhealthy foods. This was basically my dinner! Can you believe how much food that is? I'm going to have to run 5 marathons this week to burn off all the calories I've consumed from such foods. I try to fill up as much as I can on watermelon (because I love it and it is mostly water and fiber). I can't wait until next week because my dad plans on making salads and I need to start going back to eating healthy!

I really enjoyed my holiday despite it being so bad in retrospect. I have a wonderful, amazing family and such a great friend and I could not have been happier spending the holiday with such fantabulous people. I decided that instead of laying in bed, crying, and watching the fireworks alone because of what happened I would dress snazzy and festive and enjoy the holiday as much as I could. It did help take my mind off of some things and I felt a lot better. Like I was ready to conquer the world after this holiday was over. That I would be able to take care of everything and eventually I would get over this now greatest fear of mine. I would not let a few mishaps make me terrified for the rest of my life... At least I hope that is the case after all of this ends. Hope everyone had an amazing Fourth of July! I would write something more interesting and less bland, but I'm quite sleepy and I will be waking up in a few hours to go do what I love more than anything else (other than writing of course) fishing!

Love you all!
Alexis Zoe

LexR

Upon reading my title I am sure that you are curious to inquire what in the heck LexR is supposed to exactly "mean". I've kind of been going through a moment in my life where I feel like I am constantly locked in an ER room. I only say this because I know how it feels. You have no conception of time or what is going on in your life you just know you're not well. You're unsure of what is exactly wrong with you and you wait with your well being in the doctors hands. You aren't sure whether or not they will cure you or admit you for further testing. Whether or not you will be okay or not. It's a waiting game to find out if you will make it out of the ER or not. I feel like I'm in that situation now. I feel like I'm trapped in this ER like life that just never seems to end.

I'm a firm believer that with every bad experience something tremendous will happen, but lately I've just been having bad luck. I kind of want to get out of the ER now, but I'm not sure what my cure is exactly. I suppose this is part of my medication regimen. Writing has been here helping me get better, but it is proving to be somewhat ineffective. I like to think I'm just in that movie a series of unfortunate events and my life right now is just one big dream. I kind of feel like it is, because I've never had so many misfortunes within not even a whole year, let alone a whole month. All I want to do is help people and my dream just continues to grow further and further away from me. Writing my thesis has been extremely difficult for me lately as well. Since I am utilizing layered accounts I have been recreating my experiences and it has just put me in a negative place. I know that I want to do this though, because I want others to know they are not going through these experiences alone. I want them to not be afraid and to know that they can overcome this beast called cancer.

I am crying this as I'm writing this and I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. It's not because I am depressed, but more so because I just can't understand all of these circumstances. I know I over think things people don't need to tell me that. Nearly everyone I've spoke with today said that I'm too far in advance. I think too far into the future instead of focusing on what is going on now, but I feel like I have to think of the future. I have debts to pay back and I can't find another job. I now have even more financial things to worry about and I need to find a way to make money it's not just because I'd like to make a few extra dollars I actually need them. My brain is a complex, horridly beautiful piece of work. I wish it wasn't this way at times, but this is a characteristic that separates me from a lot of people. My dad brought up a wonderful point today that gave me hope for my future when this economy does shapen itself up. He said, "you have a wonderful personality. Every job you have ever had the people have loved you. People come to you for guidance when they feel like they have nobody else." After he said that I had a "uh huh" moment. I was like wow.... I do get along with people fairly easily. I've never really fought with anyone on a job or been treated that poorly. These past few days people have confided in me so many private things that it actually made me feel good they trusted me with secrets. People look to me for help and that was my goal wasn't it? To help people. To find solutions to problems that exist in our society. To make one persons life better if only for a moment.

My parents I can not express how much I love them for being the parents that they are. I should have been yelled at today. I should have been told I was an epic failure and that I do not even deserve to live in their house or have them provide me with food. I should have been crying because they were so disappointed and were so angry with me that they could not stop yelling. That was not the case today, in fact I hardly got yelled at. They made me feel like I was loved and that it was okay. That I wasn't a failure and that they would help me through this. They were there for me while I cried and hated on myself and for that I am so grateful, because I needed that. I needed to just be given love and be able to cry it all out. My parents aren't perfect, nobody is and that is what makes them beautiful. They have always been there for me my entire life when nobody else was. They never gave up on me and always let me know that I will always have a home and will never have to worry about anything as long as they are here. I really appreciate them and have a new respect for both of them.

My mother managed to make me laugh today, something I did not think I would be able to do. She spoke with people and was cracking jokes despite what a terrible day it had turned out to be. She sat up with me and let me vent to her about my thesis, about what I wanted in life, and about how awful I felt about a lot of things that had been bugging me. One thing I've learned is that you can never hide anything from a mother, because they will know. She reminded us about how much fun we had yesterday shopping together and she thanked me for forcing her out of the house. I really miss her energy that she used to have, because we'd have such a blast. I however am just grateful that I still have her in my life and that g-d has been looking out for her making sure she is okay. She gives me hope and tonight her words really made me feel better. My mom said that when you are faced with death that you stop sweating the small stuff. That things could be so much worse and that you just have to appreciate being alive. I really do feel she is right and I am so happy and grateful that I am alive. My dad also made me feel better I got to cook with him and forget for a while. Then we swam in the bitter cold water outside (was not a good idea!) After that we had some delicious apple pie in honor of the holiday with icecream on top. I know I've probably gained ten pounds this week, but I really don't care. My mom and I ended the day by sitting watching the fireworks on the skyline. It was completely lit up and it made me fall back in love with my city. How many places can you see fireworks surrounding you? How many places are completely lit up and change colors on their skyscrapers for the holidays? Not many cities and though Chicago has some of the highest crime rates it will always be my home. I will never forget how wonderful this city is and how sweet the people are here compared to other major cities. Such as New York (Sorry my New Yorker friends you guys are jews so it's okay haha :])

I want to vent more, but I'm feeling like putting energy into my novel or thesis tonight. I need to be more productive and though I do enjoy my blog I write in here too much. As much as I love to get things off my chest through my writing I don't necessarily like exposing those things to the world. Besides, if people are really that curious about my life they will contact me and be like "ummm, what is going on your life? I feel like I don't even know you anymore seriouslyzzz!" I'm super excited for the fourth tomorrow, because Jackie is coming over with red, white, and blue Popsicle and we'll enjoy the fireworks together. Then dad and I are thinking of going on a fishing excursion on Monday since we did not go out today. I could use a fishing trip, because it is so relaxing, peaceful, and doesn't require thought. It just allows me to be excited about catching a fish and lets me talk to my dad about life.

I just want to thank those who have been there for me today especially my parents and Jackie. I forever am endowed, because of the kindness and reassurance I needed. Hope you all enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend and remain safe. I LOVE YOU ALL! DON'T EVER FORGET IT :]!!!

<3 Yours Truly,
Lexy

Regretfully Regretting.

It's funny how a few intimate conversations with friends can really make you analyze your past and where you are moving forward to. I've given up a lot of what I used to do and what I used to want for what I believe is the best for my own sanity and future. People often think that it is hard to hold onto to something, but I believe the most strong people are the ones who are able to let go of things. I've always been really big on not fighting all the time over the same exact thing. I like to avoid conflict and try my hardest to do what I feel is right. Sometimes I question that and sometimes I have the "what if's" pop into my mind. I think everyone does, but it is how we choose to address those what ifs and allow ourselves to move on that is important. That is kind of what I was attempting to explain to my friends who seems to be having trouble moving on and addressing those "what ifs".

We can't dwell on what is not meant to happen. We can't torment ourselves with wonder, because if we do then we will just further drag ourselves into this cyclical behavior. Of course your ex boyfriend is going to be there if you spend a hunk of time dating them. I should know I've been in that situation and I still get contacted every now and again. Does it hurt? Sure it does nobody wants to remember their past and when it continuously emerges in your face it's like being slapped. It makes you question and wonder if what you are doing is really what you should be doing. You have to ignore any feelings you may have and know that things end for a reason and there is a reason they are your ex no matter how many lovey dovey phrases they may use on you to try and weasel their way back into your life. Letting go is hard to do, but if you have the strength and courage to do so you will go far and you won't limit yourself on something that could be amazing. I'm glad I didn't limit myself because I am completely happy with my life and relationship right now. I just feel it's right and if I hadn't let go I would have never found the person I'm with. I would have never gotten a chance to feel the love I do for him and I would have missed out.

We can't limit ourselves, we have to believe that we can and we will conquer anything that comes in our path. I will fight for my dreams and be strong because that is what I know is right and nobody can ever stop me. I really love everyone who is in my life and had such a wonderful time today even if our conversations turned slightly emo. I just love being there for people and knowing that they appreciate that and that they are happy to see me. Tonight was super fun I got to eat at Red Mango which I have been dying to have! For those of you who aren't aware of what they serve it's frozen yogurt with fresh fruit! I have hated icecream ever since I've eaten frozen yogurt, because it just tastes more refreshing and delicious than an icecream cone. Gelato is sitll number one in my book, and no that is not solely based on my Italian heritage. I had a mango, pineapple smoothie from here which was delicious! Jackie had an acai smoothie which ended up spilling all over her. We went for our usual drives and enjoyed the beautiful summer night. I enjoy nights like these because it's nights that are carefree. I worry so much during the days about work, school, getting another job, and doing chores that I forget sometimes how beautiful and simple life can be. How amazing the air smells when it is cool out, and how the moon is so bright illuminating the world. I also often forget how delicious fresh fruit is and spending a good time with good laughs on a random bench talking about random things. I sometimes regrettably forget how beautiful life is and how it is a miracle that I am here and how blessed I am to be able to have moments like these.

I'm excited for tomorrow. I may be going fishing with popsicle again for some catfish and stripper bass. I'm such an outdoorsy glamor queen! It's quite funny and ironic actually how I like to get dirty and fish, but always need to look beautiful when going out. I practically define the world dichotomy. After that I am going to get my bangs trimmed and then possibly have dinner with another friend who I haven't seen in so long. She wants to take me out for a special birthday dinner which is so kind of her to still want to do something for me. Sunday is the fourth and I have mixed feelings about the fourth of July. As many of you know I often go on a rant how we are just celebrating the slaughter of hundreds of innocent Native Americans. There was no justification as to what we did to them. Though I make statements such as these I find myself to be fairly patriotic. I really am proud to be an American and enjoy this country despite it's lack of leadership over these past few years. I see the fourth as more of an excuse to go out, get drunk, and blow things up. Don't get me wrong I love seeing fireworks, but people don't celebrate the holiday literally. It's more of a we have off let's party type of holiday which I despise. I can't stand people who look for excuses to drink and it really disturbs me that this type of behavoir continues to exist. The roads are filled with these people and every year many innocent lives are taken because of this holiday. I suppose I am just bitter because I've never really had a good fourth and never really watched the fireworks with a special someone.

This year will be different. My friend is going to stop by on Sunday and we are going to watch the fireworks together and eat red, white, and blue Popsicles. Mhm that's right the best Popsicles to exist will be eaten by us whilst watching the sky turn various different colors and pollute the air. I just want to enjoy this holiday by making good memories and remembering how lucky we are to have gotten this country and been free from the British. I do not wish to think about the many people who had to die in order to get this country, but I am proud to be an American and I can't wait to watch the fireworks and salut the flag :]. Have a safe and fun Fourth everyone! Please do not drink and drive and please watch your hands when setting these things off. We are not invisible! Do not forget this.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe The Bitter Angsty Girl this Evening.

Star light, star bright.

First star I see tonight. Wish I may wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I wish.....

The office is a wonderful environment to be in and I enjoy doing work, but when I'm not doing things I'm typically reading academic journals and working on my thesis which is what I should rightfully be doing. I swear I have ADD of the mind though because random thoughts pop into my mind and then I go into internal mind tangents with myself. I was reading a piece about self disclosure that the fantabulous Tony Adams provided me with for my thesis and it mentioned two different types of information we can sure with one another. One is information that is pretty apparent information such as what color your hair is, what car you drive, if you are in a relationship, and all that fun snazzy information people love to gossip about. The other type of information not so easily seen is all your fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and weaknesses. Of course there is a lot more personal information you can share, but this type of information is typically only disclosed to individuals that the individual feels comfortable enough with as a growing experience with that person. It is a way to feel better and build bonds stronger than a mountain. The piece also discussed how this type of information is a choice. People ultimately have the power to commit the deliberate act of self disclosing and often people silence themselves in fear. Well if I haven't been saying something for years!

I found this interesting because I'm writing about silencing oneself and here I am disclosing nearly every piece of information that has sentimental meaning to me. All information that I hardly ever talk about while out with friends, to my parents, or even my boyfriend. Today I was writing a part of my thesis, which involves my own experience as well as others of having a parent with an advanced form of cancer. I look at how individuals choose to disclose and when writing I discovered something about myself that I never really had thought was a problem up until now. I disclose with paper and pen, computer screen with software allowing me to write, and any other writing tool. I can not disclose to people as easily, so now I'm conflicted and unsure of myself. Unsure of whether this is really self disclosure or me just talking to myself, because I'm most comfortable with myself. I went through the painful experience of hearing my mothers diagnosis all over again in my thesis. It hurt to write about it, but I knew it had to be included I felt it was right. I suppose it was a way of me expelling some of my own troubles to make me "feel" better. Disclosing is important because it allows people to feel better both mentally and physically, but does it count if it is in a diary or blog? Am I really disclosing? Is it the same? Now I'm conflicted about my own research project because I intend to conduct email and phone interviews and a few in person interviews, but are they really disclosing if I'm not seeing them?

See I went off in another tangent and my intention for my blog was not to do so. I actually really wanted to discuss my disappointment that I will never be good at everything I want to be. For example, my brothers are both amazing with musical instruments something I've always had a deep desire to be good at. I have attempted to play guitar and it is quite the scene. And as far as drums go I have absolutely no rhythm what so ever. Which brings me to my next disappointment I can't dance! I don't care how much Vivian or anyone pleads with me that I in fact can dance, because I can't. I suppose I should just accept it is in my genetics as a not only white person, but a JEWISH person. I am sorry to insult my people, but we really can't dance. Probably worse than anyone else I know. Dota would be so amazing to dance to if I didn't flail my arms like a hibachi and make up silly dance moves in the hopes nobody will notice how terrible I really am.

Dota! The song I secretly long to dance to.

One thing I believe myself to be good at is writing, because I've been doing it for almost my entire life. I am however terrible at grammar. In middle school I would win every spelling bee. I was the reigning champ, nobody could take me down. I knew when to use words properly and my commas did not just erupt from nowhere. My English teachers adored me and I knew all the kids were secretly jealous of my grammatically flawless self. As I progressed through high school my grammar became worse. I began not really knowing whether or not I was spelling or using a word correctly. I put commas were I felt they looked like they should be rather than placing them properly. Not only was my spelling and grammar atrocious without spell check, but I began to mispronounce words and continue to do so present day. I've used spell check about three times in this paragraph alone!

Hm, all of a sudden my mind has gone off onto a new thing and I'm not interested in furthering this blog :P. I'm going to write something else! Have a nice night all.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe thinks a lot.

Those Summer Nights

The sky was pitch black and so dark you could hardly see, but it was clear. There was no moon, no light, only the dim illumination of street lights. The air was cool, crisp, and fallesque on this dark summer day. Wind was typical on days such as this, but today it was nowhere to be found. No sounds could be heard except O'Hare roaring planes in and out and the distant sound of the L tracks. It was a cool night in Chicago the perfect night to take in the city and enjoy a nice run. Okay, so I admit that perhaps it was not the most ingenious idea to run around my apartment complex for a little over an hour, seeing as the news reports 54 shoots occurring just a couple weeks ago. However, I thought "if I'm going to go down this is a beautiful night to do so, but I know I'm being looked after and this is not my time." Indeed, I was correct on my assumption it was not my time and my five mile run was spectacular. When I don't run for a while I always come back a little out of shape. I ran at a steady pace for about three miles before I did not slow down to a run/walk/jog type prance, but instead full out walked. I rarely walk during my workout sessions, but this time I was so out of shape that I required some nice steady walking. Sure it was slightly disappointing, but it only makes me want to work harder!

After enjoying a nice evening run I came back inside and attempted to wake myself with a shower, which in turn only caused me to have the adverse effect and get sleepy. This could potentially be my fault since I chose to lather up with lavender ingredients tonight feeling as though I need a "cool down" session from life. I had never really actualized the effects of lavender products until now. I do feel quite relaxed and extremely tired. I am running on approximately three hours of sleep though, so it could be a combination of the two. I had to wake up at six and prep myself for an interview which took near two hours. Not that I'm complaining I need a job, but I keep thinking about how happy and relaxed I was in Arizona! It was so nice to have no responsibilities for two whole weeks! I don't think I've had two weeks to myself to do nothing but relax in years honestly. Albuquerque was the closest time to having "time away" and I still had to worry the entire time about my presentation. I also immensely miss having the time to shower in the daytime/morning. Don't get me wrong, I love my nightly showers here in Chi. However, I do find that I become so tired after them I just want to conk out perfect if I have nothing to do, but most nights I am swamped with work and am typically up waiting for my boyfriend to call anyways.

 

I really think I need another vacation already, which is ironic because I'm applying to about 10 jobs a day attempting to get something, anything! I'm sure I'll get the position I interviewed for today and I'm okay with that. Money is money and if you need it you make it any way you need to. Except prostitution and drug sales of course! Or any other type of illegal activity that you know you should not be doing. I prefer to work for my money anyways, because it's so much more rewarding when it drains out of your bank account. Speaking of which my bank account is pretty drained after buying accessories for the Iphone! But it looks super cute so I'm totally fine with that. Though I'm not sure how my dad and I are going to come up with enough funds for our little fishing excursion this weekend. Yes, I am fishing the second weekend in a row. We've decided to go cheap, get worms instead of crayfish, and go to Schaumburg. We'll be fishing for stripper bass and perhaps even a catfish! I know it is such a strange desire, but I've been aching to catch a catfish despite how sharp their fins are, their grotesque appearance and how terrified I am of impending doom on my fingers. I'm clumsy enough where it is inevitable I will be in the ER needed stitches from a catfish. You will all most likely hear my July 4th preaching this weekend sometime. I always have this angsty debate about how the fourth of July just represents the slaughtering of Indians. I'll go into that later, but don't get me wrong I'm proud of the country I live in!

So as I've previously mentioned in this post I'm in desperate need of another vacation. A week to myself to do nothing. Seriously, I'm feeling super drained and though I love work I like to get away! I do love my job though my boss was kind enough to make me cupcakes and have a birthday card signed by all my co-workers. It was the sweetest gesture I've ever gotten from any place of employment! They are pictured by my desk, which I've also updated at work! I enjoy decorating my desk, I'm such a fashionista! (Sort of). Work is actually a place to get away from the chores at home and when I'm not working I'm attempting to get my thesis and applications completed. It's must more difficult then it all sounds I swear! When I'm not working at home or work I'm working in Starbucks sipping on some herbal tea. Which made me realize I really don't need coffee, because the caffeine does nothing to me! I'm so accustomed to drinking it that it actually only gives me acidic heartburn later on in the day. I've been sticking to herbal tea in every regard. I've attempted to stay away from the devil reincarnated in a sugary can. What's this can? Pop. Or as others may call it soda or soda pop. Yes, I will admit I had a half a can of coke today, but this coke was flat, hot, and from the night before. My last memory of pop is that and I want that image to stick in my head to avoid further consumption. It's delicious, but so unhealthy for you and I'm attempt to get rid of some of these unhealthy habits I have!

Anyways, I'm super duper tired and my room is a super duper tornado train wreck. Yes it actually looks like someone took their train and drove right through it throwing their random clothing articles and papers all over the place. I am going to attempt to pick up some things so that tomorrow I can go to work and not look at my room and be gloomy from it's depressing state. Hope you all have a wonderful fourth of July weekened. Night world :]

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe