LexR

Upon reading my title I am sure that you are curious to inquire what in the heck LexR is supposed to exactly "mean". I've kind of been going through a moment in my life where I feel like I am constantly locked in an ER room. I only say this because I know how it feels. You have no conception of time or what is going on in your life you just know you're not well. You're unsure of what is exactly wrong with you and you wait with your well being in the doctors hands. You aren't sure whether or not they will cure you or admit you for further testing. Whether or not you will be okay or not. It's a waiting game to find out if you will make it out of the ER or not. I feel like I'm in that situation now. I feel like I'm trapped in this ER like life that just never seems to end.

I'm a firm believer that with every bad experience something tremendous will happen, but lately I've just been having bad luck. I kind of want to get out of the ER now, but I'm not sure what my cure is exactly. I suppose this is part of my medication regimen. Writing has been here helping me get better, but it is proving to be somewhat ineffective. I like to think I'm just in that movie a series of unfortunate events and my life right now is just one big dream. I kind of feel like it is, because I've never had so many misfortunes within not even a whole year, let alone a whole month. All I want to do is help people and my dream just continues to grow further and further away from me. Writing my thesis has been extremely difficult for me lately as well. Since I am utilizing layered accounts I have been recreating my experiences and it has just put me in a negative place. I know that I want to do this though, because I want others to know they are not going through these experiences alone. I want them to not be afraid and to know that they can overcome this beast called cancer.

I am crying this as I'm writing this and I hate to admit that, but it's the truth. It's not because I am depressed, but more so because I just can't understand all of these circumstances. I know I over think things people don't need to tell me that. Nearly everyone I've spoke with today said that I'm too far in advance. I think too far into the future instead of focusing on what is going on now, but I feel like I have to think of the future. I have debts to pay back and I can't find another job. I now have even more financial things to worry about and I need to find a way to make money it's not just because I'd like to make a few extra dollars I actually need them. My brain is a complex, horridly beautiful piece of work. I wish it wasn't this way at times, but this is a characteristic that separates me from a lot of people. My dad brought up a wonderful point today that gave me hope for my future when this economy does shapen itself up. He said, "you have a wonderful personality. Every job you have ever had the people have loved you. People come to you for guidance when they feel like they have nobody else." After he said that I had a "uh huh" moment. I was like wow.... I do get along with people fairly easily. I've never really fought with anyone on a job or been treated that poorly. These past few days people have confided in me so many private things that it actually made me feel good they trusted me with secrets. People look to me for help and that was my goal wasn't it? To help people. To find solutions to problems that exist in our society. To make one persons life better if only for a moment.

My parents I can not express how much I love them for being the parents that they are. I should have been yelled at today. I should have been told I was an epic failure and that I do not even deserve to live in their house or have them provide me with food. I should have been crying because they were so disappointed and were so angry with me that they could not stop yelling. That was not the case today, in fact I hardly got yelled at. They made me feel like I was loved and that it was okay. That I wasn't a failure and that they would help me through this. They were there for me while I cried and hated on myself and for that I am so grateful, because I needed that. I needed to just be given love and be able to cry it all out. My parents aren't perfect, nobody is and that is what makes them beautiful. They have always been there for me my entire life when nobody else was. They never gave up on me and always let me know that I will always have a home and will never have to worry about anything as long as they are here. I really appreciate them and have a new respect for both of them.

My mother managed to make me laugh today, something I did not think I would be able to do. She spoke with people and was cracking jokes despite what a terrible day it had turned out to be. She sat up with me and let me vent to her about my thesis, about what I wanted in life, and about how awful I felt about a lot of things that had been bugging me. One thing I've learned is that you can never hide anything from a mother, because they will know. She reminded us about how much fun we had yesterday shopping together and she thanked me for forcing her out of the house. I really miss her energy that she used to have, because we'd have such a blast. I however am just grateful that I still have her in my life and that g-d has been looking out for her making sure she is okay. She gives me hope and tonight her words really made me feel better. My mom said that when you are faced with death that you stop sweating the small stuff. That things could be so much worse and that you just have to appreciate being alive. I really do feel she is right and I am so happy and grateful that I am alive. My dad also made me feel better I got to cook with him and forget for a while. Then we swam in the bitter cold water outside (was not a good idea!) After that we had some delicious apple pie in honor of the holiday with icecream on top. I know I've probably gained ten pounds this week, but I really don't care. My mom and I ended the day by sitting watching the fireworks on the skyline. It was completely lit up and it made me fall back in love with my city. How many places can you see fireworks surrounding you? How many places are completely lit up and change colors on their skyscrapers for the holidays? Not many cities and though Chicago has some of the highest crime rates it will always be my home. I will never forget how wonderful this city is and how sweet the people are here compared to other major cities. Such as New York (Sorry my New Yorker friends you guys are jews so it's okay haha :])

I want to vent more, but I'm feeling like putting energy into my novel or thesis tonight. I need to be more productive and though I do enjoy my blog I write in here too much. As much as I love to get things off my chest through my writing I don't necessarily like exposing those things to the world. Besides, if people are really that curious about my life they will contact me and be like "ummm, what is going on your life? I feel like I don't even know you anymore seriouslyzzz!" I'm super excited for the fourth tomorrow, because Jackie is coming over with red, white, and blue Popsicle and we'll enjoy the fireworks together. Then dad and I are thinking of going on a fishing excursion on Monday since we did not go out today. I could use a fishing trip, because it is so relaxing, peaceful, and doesn't require thought. It just allows me to be excited about catching a fish and lets me talk to my dad about life.

I just want to thank those who have been there for me today especially my parents and Jackie. I forever am endowed, because of the kindness and reassurance I needed. Hope you all enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend and remain safe. I LOVE YOU ALL! DON'T EVER FORGET IT :]!!!

<3 Yours Truly,
Lexy