I'm not sure why nightmares have such an effect on me, but I suppose that's my overactive imagination that causes it. When I dream it's as if I am in fact taken to another world and it becomes real for me in those few hours that I am asleep. It's quite interesting to think about dreams, because though they may not have any meaning I can't help but wonder if dreams are an extension or part of our lives. I remember once I was questioned about whether or not I thought dreams could possibly be the real part of our lives and our living was a dream. I do not believe that dreams are reality, but it's crazy to think about. We don't really know if dreams mean anything significant or if they are "real". I've had dreams before that eventually happened so maybe I can predict the future in my dreams? That would be cool if it were true, but I would hope this dream wasn't a part of my near future.
Nightmares usually wake me up eventually, but this nightmare would not allow me to wake up. I also ended up waking up practically in tears. It was not a fun experience and I just wanted to be held and told it was okay, it was just a dream. I think I need to stop running before bed, because I typically have more dreams when I run right before bed. Last night I was hard on my body, so hard that I actually was sick from it. I went up and down 15 flights of stairs. Ran nearly 3 miles at a decent speed, and lifted. Now you have to understand that I haven't been as active as I was and I probably should have slowly got myself used to being so active, but I insisted on beating up my body. I'm not at all sore today or feeling sick, but last night I didn't think I would make it up the last 2 stories without fainting. Despite being sick it was a good workout. Chicago was storming and I always love running during thunderstorms because it's so much more peaceful to me. It makes me forget for a moment that I'm running and my legs are actually working when I see the sky illuminated by lightening. I can't complain about the actual run, but I can complain about how horrid I felt after, which most likely led me to having such a nightmare.
I feel so lonely today, it's the weirdest feeling. Normally I am happy when friends call or excited to be doing something today I just feel like blah. I don't feel like doing anything and just feel like laying in bed and cuddling with my pillows. I guess I'm just feeling this way because Johnny just left and I miss him like crazy. It usually takes me a few days after I'm away from him to get back to my life and stop missing him as much. The initial goodbye is always the hardest, because I know I won't see him for an extended period of time and as much as I like to pretend that it doesn't bother me it does. I miss him a lot when he's not here or when I'm not there. I know he's worth waiting for and being strong for and I have been. I just need a lot of affection I guess because knowing I won't get a hug or a kiss for a few months kills me inside. I'm happy though and that's what gets me through it all even on these lonely days when I feel like curling up in my bed and being withdrawn from the world. I know a lot of people who are in long distance relationships like me and it gives me hope when I see them prospering. I put my trust and faith into my relationship and I have confidence that this time will be different, despite us being apart.
I really need to get on my writing. I feel as though I will not graduate at the rate I am going. I can't keep making excuses that I have a lot on my mind, or I'm too afraid to drive myself to Starbucks to get working, or I don't have enough information. I have to just do, because I know if I sit down and focus I will most likely get a large amount finished and I need to do just that. It's so hard to be inspired as of lately. I know that if I keep chugging along and try to go into the right direction that I will. I know that we may not always get to where we think we will be, but eventually we will be where we are meant to be. I don't know what will happen in the future or what will become of my life, but I have to trust I will go where I need to be. That I guess is my new found inspiration to continue writing. I have to put faith and trust in my writing just as I do in Johnny and nearly everything else in my life. If I don't I won't get things done and I won't get through the rough points in life.
<3
Lexy
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