I can feel it slowly overcoming my brittle and fragile body. A body that once was filled with joy, delight, and hopeless optimism. The person before me in the mirror is difficult to make out as what she once was slowly fades into darkness. An image of sheer fear and terror is all that remains. Perhaps it's time to accept reality as it is. Darkness. The present coherent narrative that drives and perhaps has consumed my life is that of darkness. As I sit here, nearly 4:00 AM I wonder why my mind races. The chaos and darkness overcomes my mind at all hours of the day, but especially, ironically enough, at night. For with the evening comes solitude. Very few humans live nocturnally, and maybe it's the late night FedEx runs talking, but I'm becoming more and more nocturnal. My body craves sleep, but the internal pains keep me awake.
"Longing for darkness."
One might say sleep is the ultimate darkness. For in sleep we do not see light. Perhaps that's why we dream to see some form of light. To step away from the loneliness the darkness can bring. The brain works in mysterious and powerful ways. As a child I believed that our dreams were another life. A life in which we imagined what we truly thought in our minds. Dreams of unicorns, rainbows, and all of my favorite animals snuggling by me overtook my mind. Sleep was not difficult, taken for granted, and truly under appreciated. As my dreams became more tainted with pains, agony, and sadness I learned that maybe our minds react to our living state. For instance, our dreams may be the person who truly is on the other side of the mirror. Not the fake smile, fake dress up, fake excitement person, but rather the pained and hurt person. The person that is consumed by darkness. Sleep is supposed to be the comfort that helps prepare us for the challenges the next day. I miss sleep and stepping out of the darkness for a moment. Life isn't all unicorns, rainbows, and cuddly animals. In fact, life is much more complex, traumatic, and scary.
It's been quite some time since I last wrote. Perhaps my own mind has created such a fear that has prevented me. Or maybe I'm a typical human making excuses for myself. Whichever is true, I know that I have lost many of the positive, inspirational, and motivating thoughts I once had. The thoughts that drove me to create this blog and write for others out there. To demonstrate to others the power of overcoming obstacles. The power to battle against the darkness at all costs. There are weak moments though. Forces that are too strong to combat on our own. I've dealt with a great deal of loss within the last three years and it's finally caught up to me. I'm not sure what true happiness is and I feel as though I've sacrificed so much of myself for others. I hardly recognize the person that stares back at me and it troubles me so. I don't mean to be depressing, but these are thoughts that keep me up at night. These are thoughts that debilitate my ability to function some days.
Writing was my passion. One of the few things that I felt I was talented at. Much like the artist, my writing was my creative outlet. It was a form of expression that enhanced healing both physically and emotionally. I'd cry writing, laugh writing, think critically while writing. When I truly felt alone, and as though I had no one else to turn to my blog, creative writing, and research was a way to emancipate myself from loneliness. I know that recently my motivation has diminished, at least to post on a blog, but in an attempt to make sense of my experiences and feelings I am determined to write at least once a month in this blog. Even if it's not the most prolific piece of work I've ever crafted I believe that I need to try. On that note, I've entirely gotten too brain dead to finish this blog. Until next time.
xoxo
Lexy
