Dear World.

You perplex me so. The New Year has creeped upon us all again. Part of me is astonished at how quickly time seems to pass as you progress in life. I feel as though soon I will be thirty and indefinitely probably still searching for someone to spend the most frightening years of my life with. For some reason or other when people tell me that I am young I get somewhat defensive. My definition of young is teenager now, though I am not far from "teenage" years I still have surpassed most of the people my age. That being said I feel as though I have aged an extra 10 years placing me more around the age of 32. I am surrounded by older people in nearly all of my everyday interactions, thus I have become more friendly with those who are older than me. I am still far from mature and do act 22 most of the time, but when it comes to aspirations I am beyond most people my age. I long to make something of myself and help shape the world into a better place. Though I have come to accept that world peace is not only not healthy for the world, but also unattainable my goal in life is to make people smile. Everytime I see a sad person in my environment or during interaction I feel compelled to help. I just have these deep, intricate feelings inside of me that make me want to comfort and nurture. I feel as though I understand a lot, because I have experienced a lot and this has made me want to use those experiences to help others see that they can get through them.

I'm proud of myself. This year hasn't been perfect, but if I can say one thing about 2010 it was that I finally realized my self worth. Why? What has changed me so much that has made me respect myself so much more? I used to be one of those girls who was never good enough. I beat myself up more than anyone else in my life, because I had disliking for the person I was. I was never thin enough, smart enough, loving enough, perfect enough. I strived for perfection I gave my heart to anyone willing to take it only causing me more grief in the end. I disrespected myself with late nights of drinking, flirting, and being someone I was not. I put my education on hold for others and let others define me. I hurt myself that was all I was doing to myself. Everytime I spent 2 hours at the gym I beat myself up running over 8 miles just to feel pretty. I'd convince myself that I would never amount to anything. I wrote something wonderful and deleted it embarrassed by my writing deeming myself incapable. I have flaws. I can't be perfect. I'm not made to be perfect, but perfection does not define beauty. 2010 made me realize that I am beautiful and that if I become my own worse enemy I'm only destroying myself. This year I was extremely destructive and I have no one to blame, but myself.

In November when I was out with my family I looked at my life and myself. I realized that I have become so concerned with others I forgot to help myself. When I looked at my wonderful family I realized that they were the ones who really cared, not some boy. When I got a massive amount of texts from friends I abandoned and treated like strangers I saw just how many friends I have that actually care and never abandon me even in my darkest hours. I came to the conclusion that this year and years past I let someone define me. I was controlled. This year has been the greatest blessing despite all of the terrible things that have happened. I have finally become comfortable with who I am. I now know that I am not perfect and that striving for perfection will just be futile attempts at meaningless life. I have learned to say yes to going out with friends instead of locking myself in my room writing. I have explored places that I said I'd never explore. I have found the girl I was so many years ago and am no longer obsessed with being beautiful, because I know that I am. I see the beauty in everything and life has become so much less mundane.

This is the happiest I have been in years. I no longer feel obligated to anything or anyone, but I do feel that I can be the right person for someone. I'm not entirely sure that makes sense so let me elaborate. I believe that I can be a better lover, friend, daughter. I have a greater sense of how precious life is and how the simple things are all you really need. I know that things in life are not certain, but the uncertainty is what makes life so interesting. I want to take long drives like I did so many years in the past enjoying the country side, I want to go downtown to random little neighborhoods and buy myself lose tea and drink coffee in cafes. I want to ride my bike around sunset and take in the world. I want to read books that will change my life and have deep, riveting conversations with people. I want to remember what it means to see the world in color instead of shades of gray. I want to keep fighting for my dreams and stop settling for what's easy and safe. Life is about living courageously and constantly fighting to stay on top. My mom has taught me this fundamental lesson with her own battle. I really do count my blessings now and am so grateful for what I have and do not focus on that which I lack.

It seems so many people let things in life get in the way. If you love someone love them despite what others say. Recognize that they say these things because they love you, but you have to find out for yourself. Don't let material possessions define your life memories are so much more valuable. Don't be afraid to be the person that you are, because there is always somebody who isn't going to like your style or who you are. Never manipulate yourself and accept not everyone is going to fall madly in love with the person that you are. Set goals for yourself and don't accept no for an answer. We are limitless and though our goals may be more difficult to achieve if you don't try you never know what could be. If you want something bad enough fight for it. Love the people in your life as if they will die tomorrow, because you never know when life will be taken from us. Don't focus on the negative and what you don't have and remember what you do have. Negate a negative and turn it into a positive.

Every year I make resolutions. The mundane. I feel compelled to make a list to enable me to have concrete evidence of what I should do. Life isn't about making lists or New Years Resolutions. The resolution you should make to yourself is that you will live more. That you won't limit yourself with definitions of what life should be, but be spontaneous and act with your heart sometimes and not just your mind. May be silly and  irrational, but guess what? You only have one shot at life and ultimately you have to satisfy yourself. At the end if you can't say that you are ready to go and have done everything you wanted then what kind of life did you lead? A miserable one. I'm not ready to be miserable. I want to love, cry, laugh, dance, and write. I want to be myself and not be afraid of that. The world is much bigger than ourselves and much more beautiful. Get out there, be passionate, and stay true to you.

Happy New Year darlings.

<3 always,
Alexis Zoe

What makes you think I enjoy being led to the flood?

Recently I went to Milwaukee and on my trip up there I looked at the lake. The skies were gray, preparing for the eminent snow approaching. The sky was a deep blue and the waves were tremendous.The weekend after I was in Milwaukee I went down to Navy Pier and looked at the lake from a different angle. It was still the same deep, rich blue that it was in Milwaukee but there was something different. The lake almost looked like a sapphire with tiny waves attempting to grow. The sky was still filled with gray clouds, but the skyline made the clouds appear as a backdrop. Lake Michigan is the same in both Milwaukee and Chicago, but the experience is entirely different between the two. Both are beautiful and both are as vast as an ocean. Both remind me how precious life is and how even though we are experiencing things differently from where we are in life we still have this one life. We are presented with the opportunity to live life from different angles and are able to enhance ourselves. On the train ride home today from Wicker Park I did a lot of thinking. I know, I never think this may come as a surprise to you, but in all seriousness I realize how wonderful of a person I am. I now understand what is important to me and I feel as though I have this newfound understanding of myself.

My mother has taught me a lot about myself and has really put into perspective what is important. This holiday season was one of the best. I think I appreciated it a lot more than previous years. It was difficult, because I know my holidays are limited the way they are. I am starting to accept the fact that I'm going to have to deal with the hardest thing in my entire life. I recognize the fact that I will most likely have to deal with it alone and that no one in my life understands what I am going through right now. With all of this being said I have also accepted that I am comfortable with this. I used to really get upset over such petty stuff. Things always got to me and I became so sensitive. As I've lived through a lot these recent months I have learned that I am stronger than I think and that it is okay to cry. I have learned that I am not perfect and it is okay to make mistakes and that beating myself up about it is pointless. Failure is okay and healthy. If we do not fail we do know appreciate what we gain as much and I no longer feel the need to strive for perfection. I'm just Lexy. I'm imperfect, but so is everyone else in the world. Our imperfections separate us from others and can be the most beautiful part of who we are.

I am emotional, but sweet. I procrastinate when I am involved with someone in life and realize that I have to put myself before anyone else, but my family. I am in love with my parents and I don't care who doesn't like them because they are my life. I can be insecure and am constantly trying to improve myself. I think my insecurities are a good thing, because they keep me in check. If I fall in love with someone they become my light. I will treat them like royalty, but if they do my wrong I will never give them a second chance. I am so into anything vintage, because I love the history it holds. Plus I think I look slightly more adorable when incorporating vintage into my wardrobe. My most cherished moments are the spontaneous memories I make with people. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or crazy, just being excited to be alive with someone and enjoying living. I analyze everything in life, not because I'm neurotic, but because I love thinking. The more analysis I do and the more I attempt to understand the better understanding of a person I feel I become. All I want in my life is others happiness, but I have learned that you can't sacrifice your own. My dream in life is to find someone who understands me and wants to adventure and live with me. I have so much life and curiosity and I want to experience the world with someone who can enjoy my tastes. Sometimes I'm not the best friend, but I love my friends more than they could ever imagine.

I am a dreamer. I live big. I believe that we have to fight for what we believe in and always be ourselves. I am starting to be more comfortable with myself and have realized that all the negative that happened in 2010 will be replaced by positive in 2011. I have so many goals for myself and I know that with hard work and more will power I can achieve them. I survived a semester of 2 jobs, work, completing a very very very rough draft of my thesis, and applied to PhD programs. I also was able to travel and see a lot of great sites this year. What does this mean for 2011? More traveling in my future, more writing, more running, more caring about me. This year is for Alexis and will not be lived for someone else. I lived for someone else and I realize how terribly mistaken I was. We so easily forget what's important to us when we get distracted, but I know this year is about sticking to my guns. It's about being who  I am and loving the life I live. This year I pray for my family, the poor people, and the world. I pray for the hundreds of men and women fighting and the women who fall victim to violence. I pray that I will have the strength to better myself and that I will find what I'm searching for when least expected.

I love you all so much. Never forget what is important in life, because that same thing could just as easily be taken from you. Keep my family in your prayers.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

Loving Yourself Isn't Enough.

As most of you know I'm typically skeptical of self help anything. When I see self help books I chuckle at them and youtube channels are no exception either. The reason that the idea of self help gets me so heated is because I believe the only way to really help yourself is to search within yourself. I believe that the only person who can create happiness for you or do whats right for yourself is ultimately you. No persons advice or idea of what happiness and what do for yourself can really define what actions will make you happy. As much as I want to admit I have never read a self help book or watched a youtube channel I can not lie. Recently, I have watched self help channels on weight loss, inspiration, loss, and the like. I suppose what sparked this interest in self help is the idea of narratives behind such topics. After meeting with Professor Kellas and being enlightened on what narrative work is I find myself intrigued by any sort of narrative. Story telling does define who we are. Our stories bring forth a piece of ourselves.

Antishay (I believe this is her username on youtube) described how she always had these coping mechanisms to make herself appear as though she was strong and confident. That she wasn't always being true to herself and often she only had this conception of herself being strong and confident to suppress the vulnerability that existed within herself. When I really thought about the words she was using and explaining how she coped with shopping, food, drinking, and a lust for love I realized that I am similar to her. People see me as a strong individual who is a hard worker. Somebody who laughs in the face of struggle and combats with all force. I do fight and I do believe that I am strong, but I am also venerable. I cry when I write, because of the broken heart I am attempting to heal. I have had this broken heart for years and it has caused me to be a miserable person. If people really see the person I am inside they would not think I was the strong person that I mask myself to be. Goffman believes that we mask ourselves so much that we forget the people we are internally. I believe this is true in many circumstances and especially in mine.

Why do I care? Today I updated my status on how kind deeds seem to get me nowhere that being overtly nice actually left me less appreciated, but why should this matter? Should it not just be for the kindness in itself that makes me satisfied? Why am I searching for acceptance and love from acts of kindness? Have I become the selfish person that I feared so? I now know what I have been doing this entire time. Shopping and buying people things in order to get them to love me. I can not buy love. I can not expect someone to love me because I will do anything for them. They need to love me for the person I am inside not for the person I attempt to perceive myself as. I do not need romantic love to be happy, but I need self satisfaction. I need to allow myself to be vulnerable with others and I need to work on my soothing mechanisms. I shop because I care so much about my beauty. I have countless amounts of clothing, make up, and even cutesy things to decorate my room. My closest and drawers are full of materials that really are not necessary. Once I run out of what I need I will consume more product, but right now I have an excess of product exposing my need to fill a void within myself. Food has always been an issue for me. I struggled with my weight my entire life. When I lost nearly 100 lbs after high school I gave excuses to stay at the same weight. I'd workout, but wouldn't eat properly or eat properly and not workout. There needs to be a healthy combination of both and I need to be serious about this. My friends notice this correlation with me and dating. It's not difficult for me to find someone and this becomes a problem. I jump into relationships, rush them, don't enjoy being with myself. When we enter a relationship we have to put effort into not only ourselves, but the other person. I desire love so much that I would sacrifice parts of myself in order for them to be happy or what I believe will make them happy. I put up with abusive behaviors and become extremely needy. I believe my desire to have someone stems from my need to feel accepted. I always want to be perfect, the best person that I can be. I can't be the best person I am if I can't be happy alone with myself.

Instead of being depressed about being single again I am actually kind of happy it happened. My guy friends have been attempting to "get" me since I have become single. I have denied instead of jumping and I could not be any more proud of myself. I am taking this situation and looking back at all I've done wrong and what I need to be happy in the future. I need to work on myself and learn to be happy alone for a while. I can't lie to myself and convince myself that I am happy in a relationship. I can't force love or force someone else to love me. When love is meant to come it will and I will know that the person is right for me. Right now I'm not sure any of my prospects are right for me and honestly I want to focus on me. My mother is ill, I have goals I want to accomplish, and I may even be leaving this state within the next year. Traveling to San Fran also helped me realize a lot of this. My conversations were surrounded by the same old things, but when I talked research or talked about interests that I had I felt so much more alive. Instead of going to my room and crying myself to sleep I went out with friends and enjoyed my young life.

I realize that I substitute a lot in order to give off this radiance of happiness that doesn't quite exist within my life. I now am cognizant of the fact that I need to make changes in my life in order to be the happy person I have convinced myself that I am. We have to believe that we are capable of altering our lives when we see problems that have arose and stick with these goals we set for ourselves. There is only so long you can mask yourself before you become invisible to being the person you really are beneath the mask. I'm ready to be me. Below I have listed a bunch of goals for myself and I intend to complete them. There is no set time line just a acknowledgment that they will be completed and trusting myself in that.

1. My room has been a disaster zone for far too long. I do work two jobs and am a full time student, but when we live in a mess our lives become a mess. I have way too many material possessions and have too many excuses for why I can't clean it. The real reason is I'm too busy on my little social networking site and push important things. So it is my intention to go through this entire room. Donate some possessions to good will, and just keep it neat. Organization is important to having an organized life and I believe this will be the first step to getting where I need to be.

2. Writing is a huge part of who I am and has shaped me in many ways. It has been my release and it has been my strength. When I felt alone and as though nobody else could understand me I have written for clarity. I have since lost the desire to write in the same way that I once did and realize that this is problematic. I am in the process of revamping parts of my thesis and am loving the process. I had forgotten my deep passion for writing and know now that I must DO instead of SAY. I often say that I can write and finish novels, research, etc..., but I never DO. I am determined to complete lots of work this year and write thousands of wonderful pages. Not just mediocre work either actually fundamentally relative and beautiful work.

3. Shopping is something I never think of as a problem, but now that I see my bank account and all of the silly things I have I realize how detrimental my shopping habits have been. I should be focused on paying off my debts and being debt free yet I feel compelled to buy shiny pretty things. It's okay to shop every once in a while, but I realize that I have overstocked on things I just don't need. I am not to buy any lotions, candles, cloths, shoes, or trinkets until I have beaten all of the things I have bought to death and they are no longer plausible to keep and can be donated.

4. Being single. This one may seem trivial, but unless I find someone who completely wows me and I feel is the right person to make me happy and is on the same page as me I intend to stay single. Being single is not as terrible as people make it to be. I don't need attention nor do I need to be committed to anything except for my work in goals in life. When it's right for me to be with somebody I will know, but for now I have let go on that desire for love and questioning whether I am good enough. I am good enough I just need to find somebody who is good enough for me and that doesn't happen overnight. I'm prepared to wait and in the mean time I need to get my life on track and be where I want to be. If I'm not satisified with my life I can't possibly make another person happy.

5. Weight loss. I have struggled for this for so long and in this last year I have gotten so overweight. I could blame it on eating meat again and allowing myself to indulge in fast food. I could blame it on the fact that my most recent boyfriend never made me feel as though I was fat or not good enough. I can't blame anyone but myself ultimately. If I wanted to be thin I would be thin. I know I have what it takes to lose lots of weight (I've already done it once), but I need to do it healthy and work at it. I can't lose the 50 lbs I'd like to lose overnight. It could take a year or two from now before I get to my goal weight, but I know I need to set that and work at it. I'm pretty good about exercise (up until my recent injury), but I need to try to get there everyday even if it's pilates for 20 minutes. Any little bit is better than nothing.

6. Learning how to be nice and respect people. Sometimes I get caught up in my own selfish ways and want more than anything to be paid attention to. I allow people's unkind words to get me to me more than they should and I realize that if someone wants to treat me unkindly then that is their decisions. I need to be happy with myself enough to be able to see that they are wrong. I need to stop being so concerned with being judged because the people who are worth my time are the people who are going to accept me for who I am. If I put as much effort as I do feeling bad about others words into helping friends and others then I would be so much better off and happier. Helping others is truly my passion in life and I need to focus all the negative on that.

7. Learning to live the way that I want to live and not listening to others. I listen to my parents so much that I often limit myself as far as things I want to do in life. I will stay in because I feel obligated to be a good daughter, but I also need to balance my social life with pleasing my parents as well. I'm a busy girl, but I also need to live. Traveling has given me a new idea of what living is. Experiencing things that I can no experience on a day to day basis. The ability to see different cultures and get a better understanding of the world that I am living in. There is more than just Chicago Illinois and I'm starting to see how much more is out there for me to see.

Those are the basic things that I'm wanting to alter right now in my life. I also feel that I need to be more confident in my intelligence and where I am in my life. I have to be okay with failing because it's not really failing. Failing is for people who learn nothing from their experiences in life. Every experience has shaped me into the person that I am. I am grateful for all of the pain, happiness, sadness, joy, and confusion that has occurred in my life. I love all of the people who have come into my life because they came for a reason. They taught me something about myself I would have never learned otherwise whether the outcome was a good or bad one. I can not even begin to express how wonderful it feels to finally think about life in this fashion. We can't live in failure and constant self pity. The past is the past it is just a memory of nothingness. It has come and taught us what was needed and is gone and never to return. Our future is what we would like of ourselves, but we can't predict it. We can't live in the future or the past we have to live in the present. The present is all we can be certain of. We will make mistakes, we will grow, we will fall, but we need to keep going and keep living for everyday. Not everyday will be perfect, but not everyday will be miserable either. We can shape our lives into what we want them to be and nobody can ever rob us of that. We can be who we want to be I know who I want to be and I am going to work very hard at being that person. I trust in the lords plan for me and I believe that all I have done in my life will not be forgotten. My heart and head are in the right place and I am prepared to make changes in order to improve that.

<3 always,
Conceptual Lexy

Fear

It seems that when we conceptualize fear we believe fear to be something that scares us. When we attempt to understand what scares us we look at the fundamental basics such as spiders, dark, being alone; but what we must recognize is that fear is essentially not the item that scares us. It is much deeper and darker than simply an object. Fear is something that we do not know about that we are uncertain of. Uncertainty is quite the tool to leave us sobbing alone in our rooms, locking our doors, and questioning our lives. I do not attest that questioning your life is not a healthy, nor do I believe it is a bad thing to sob alone in your room on occasions; however, I believe that many of us allow fear to drive our lives. It becomes a way of life and we become uncertain about not just the objects that we are afraid of, but we become uncertain about ourselves. When uncertainty controls the epitome of who we are problems arise quite abruptly whether we deny them or recognize them. The other day when I was sobbing in my car in tremendous pain I began to question my life. I became, for the first time, understanding that I had uncertainty built up within myself. I convinced myself for over a year that I was certain about everything in my life. That I was sure everything was going according to plan and that things were perfect. Nothing could in a sense touch me, because I was untouchable. Yet I was not the happiest person I cried a lot alone in my room. From time to time it's okay to cry in your room, but to cry all the time presents red flags of problem.

I began to blast my music and sit in the parking lot for a while just until I was stable enough to drive myself to the doctors. I thought about my emotional pain that I have been going through this past year. I thought about why I got hurt at work in the first place. I thought about crying in front of my co-workers and the feeling of being weak A feeling I always dismiss. My thoughts went to academics and the passion I have for them, but the uncertainty of my capabilities. Then I began to understand my life has been one large uncertain piece of art that nobody can quite figure out. I am not understood. Perhaps that's what makes me so beautiful, but so forgettable. I am not concrete, but abstract and when people get tired of trying to figure me out I lose visitors. I don't want to change who I am, because I think that my uniqueness brings something to the world whether it be good or bad I'm not quite sure yet, but I like to believe that my encounters with people are positive ones. I know now what I have been doing to myself that has built up all this fear and uncertainty.  I have depended too heavily on others and not taken time to step back and care for my own well being. I have surrounded myself with people whether it be relationships, friendships, or co-workers that I have forgotten to give myself proper attention.

Attention from others is required to have a healthy life, but there needs to be a degree of self independence. I am capable of writing and I know that now. Though I'm not an ingenious scholar quite yet I am a good writer. People who read my work compliment me (and the ultimate test is my mother who is brutally honest, she too thinks I was meant to write). If I set goals for myself I know I can get to where I need to be, because I have done it before. I was so busy worrying about others that I had forgotten how important my writing was and how critical it was for my academic endeavors. I let myself slip by graduate school this semester. I was no proactive about my graduate school pursuits and I just hope that what I have to offer is enough to get me to where I need to be. If not then I know I will try again and continue on doing something else. Things will fall into place for me it just requires time and dedication. Dedication is something that runs through my veins and I am a highly motivated person. I want to get places and I will do whatever it takes to get there. I know I am young and I know that I have ages to do what I love, but if I know and I feel it's right in my heart why wouldn't I put my 100% towards it? I am not a quitter and I refuse to ever give up on anything. I'm a fighter and a hard worker and I am proud of my work ethic.

I recognize that there are things beyond my control in life right now. My mother is a beautiful, strong, and loving person who is going through something I can't even fathom going through. She fights for us and she gives me courage and hope. I know my mothers illness is not easy to deal with and I appreciate all of the people who surround me in an attempt to make me feel better. I do feel loved and that love gives me enough umph I need to get through my down times. I know though that my mothers illness has taught me something about my life. I appreciate life a lot more now, because I know how easily someone you love can go from bubbly and full of life to depressed and not the woman you remember. We have to be grateful for the people who we have in our lives that love us and hold onto those people. The people who don't care and don't love us are not worth our pain, time, or energy. We need to put everything into those we know love us and who will always be there. I have such great friends and family. My guy friends have reminded me that I am beautiful and I know that I am. My friends remind me of how much fun I am and how crazy. I'm not everybody you'll ever meet, but who wants conformity? I'm comfortable with myself and to be able to say that and act on it is the best thing you can do for yourself. My family shows me everyday what true love is and I deserve their love and want to give them all of mine. My mom's illness has brought great pain into my life a new found pain I didn't seem could exist. Worse than any heartache or hurt back, but I know that it has made me grow into a beautiful, appreciative person.

It's crazy to think that tomorrow morning I will be on a plane going to San Francisco. I'm super excited to get out of town and just have some "me" time though I will be around a lot of other brilliant people. I am going to explore a place I have had a huge desire to visit and eat seafood. I'm going to present about the work I am so passionate about and be able to share that with others. I feel wonderful when I present. I get somewhat nervous, but at the same time it brings such joy to me. Not many people want to hear about my research, because well it's kind of nerdy for others to have to be bored through. I acknowledge the fact that not everyone is going to be interested in my nerdy school endeavors, but the people who understand me and are there make all my research worth it and I love conferences. I can't wait to see the golden gate bridges, the cute houses, and take a trolly around town. Who knows maybe I'll even buy myself something pretty if I find it. With that being said I really must get to packing and cleaning so I come to a home that is not chaos and so that I can begin getting what I need to be done finished. Love you all and never be ashamed of the person you are, because you are the most beautiful person you know. <3

Always,
Alexis Zoe

My Life as a Horror Movie

If the title doesn't intrigue my readers I hope that this blog will somewhat intrigue you. The analogy of my life being very similar to a horror movie initially may seem to be a negative one. Though horror flicks can be quite disturbing and plot lines seem to cease to exist; last night, after seeing Saw I could relate this film to my life a lot. This comparison actually nearly brought me to tears in the theater, but because I was with my friend I held back not wanting to frighten her or or leave her never wanting to see another film with me. The movie consisted of a not so real survivor who attempted to turn these torture events into something positive. He attempted to make people see the light of jigsaws game and described scars and pain as never really going away, but exposing the courage these people had and the new appreciation for life. It was an experience that allowed you to be reborn. Though I have not been tortured or been in one of jigsaws games I think I have experienced events that really have taught me that pain and scars can actually have a somewhat positive effect despite being hard to ignore and disregard.

It's easy to be angered and upset about your problems. One of the survivors in the movie felt bitterness and said that nothing could come out of something so terrible happening to someone. I felt that for a long time "how could I possibly enjoy my life or believe that the lord loves me when he's given me so much pain and taken so much from me." Self pity is one of the worst places to be and in hard times we can't just survive and accept that life is bad and it is happening to us. We have to survive with intention and purpose. We must go on and combat hard times by sacrificing our lives to our loved ones and never surrendering what we believe is right in our hearts. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are at your lowest of lows. I forget that many times and when I do cry and break down people often are unsure of how to help, because they are not used to me being like this.

I do attempt to keep a positive attitude with everything in life and I want more than anything to be happy. I know that happiness does not come with each day and that some days we are miserable. I know that we do have let downs, but that sometimes we have the most wonderful days. Sometimes we forget the good days when we have the most miserable, but talking with friends and thinking about the person I am and thinking about the relationships I have in my life both spiritually and physically are what keep me above dark waters. Tonight I felt a lot of self loathing and questioning. I often questions myself in not so good situations, attempting to reevaluate what I am doing wrong. In the process I have come to realize that I actually degrade and disrespect myself. I need to remember that though I am human and I make mistakes that I am a good hearted person and that I have good intentions. I want those I love and are dear to me in life to be happy even before myself. I realized tonight that I have to learn to love myself and stop blaming myself for everything, because life happens. We can't blame ourselves for every situation in our life that is negative nor can we allow it to consume who we are. We have to remember what the lord has blessed us with and accept that it is okay to cry and be upset, but that we have to persevere and trust that everything will essentially be okay.

I am going to San Francisco in a week to do something that I am in love with. I could not ask for a better place to be and am looking forward to having a mini vacation that I much need. I work hard and I need to work hard for myself and take a look at why I do what I do. My friend called tonight to ask about a prospective male she would like to be with. I felt like crying and was upset, but instead I gave her the advice she needed. I told her to not have high expectations and just be herself. That we can no define ourselves by someone else otherwise we will lose everything in the end. We ultimately must live for ourselves until we begin a family and even then we must do things that make us happy and keep us satisfied in our lives. I love academics and I love being able to express my issues with social problems that seem to continue to plague us. I love helping girls suffering from eating disorders or abuse because I feel that I am capable and want them to have a shoulder to always lean on. I love being in nature and camping and being one with this incredible world we have been blessed with. I'm a creative I love creating things and acting. I'm a worker and driven I work hard to get places because I want to make something of myself not just for monetary rewards, but because I worked hard to get where I did. I want to go out with friends and hang out with my family because I realize how important it is to surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you.

My life is not easy, but I know it's not intended to be and that we are never given problems that we can not handle. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but you have to attempt to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each experience we have whether it be good or bad is meant to teach us something deeper and more profound about ourselves. We are capable of enduring more than we believe ourselves to be capable the only thing you need is hope and trust in your future. I know I'm not going to be myself for a while and will struggle, but struggle is the beautiful part of life. It doesn't seem so at the time, but as we continue on we remember how strong we are. I think strength is admirable and respect for yourself. I love you all and feel really blessed and grateful to have you all as a part of my life. Always remember who loves you and hold onto those people and treat them well, because you never know when they will be gone whether they leave, stop speaking with you, or pass away :(. Have a wonderful, happy, and fun filled life and never be afraid to be who you are. If people don't like the person that you are then they are not worth your time or effort. Be good to those you love always and never forget what is dear to your heart.

<3
Alexis Zoe

You're too hard on yourself.

As I progressively mature and become more responsible I learn much more about the person that I am. I was rereading old blog posts of mine and as I re-read I am almost rebooted back to factory mode and become more in tune with the person I long to be. As I have stated in previous blogs I am looking to solve a complex puzzle that is life, but it is not easily solved. I have solved much more of the puzzle since last year, but have also been completely and utterly confused by some pieces of this puzzle. Each time I complete a section of the puzzle I become thrilled with my progress and am determined to continue on. Other times I become utterly lost and feel desolate and alone as if this puzzle is not worth finishing. I have come to accept that my puzzle resembles something of a Tim Burton movie and that much of the time I am the only one who can see it's beauty. It's a puzzle that often is difficult to make sense of, but it is a one of a kind something only people with an acquired taste can appreciate.

The thought of going out late at night and sitting under the stars at the edge of a cornfield entices me more than it should. The cool breeze and kicking off my shoes squishing my toes in between the damp and soft grass makes my heart pitter patter. I love the Midwest and I love nature. We often forget how precious our lives are due to the zombie shuffle we take a part of everyday. Our routine becomes our life and we forget to live, but just accept as real living. Real living isn't being that zombie, I'm afraid I have recently become just that. As I sit on the train surrounded by thousands of people I watch people get off and miserably stumble to where they need to be. I rarely see a smile and I wonder what happened to the world. What happened to being happy? What happened to smiling to yourself on the train while listening to some beautiful tune on your ipod or looking outside at the incredible city you live in and being happy you're alive and that you have what you do? When I do encounter somebody who is happy I feed off of their happiness. It reminds me that there is hope for the world. Every small delicate thing in life makes me have a strong appreciation for my life.

"You're life is heavy." "You're way too hard on yourself." "You don't have to help the world Alexis." "You're way too nice." "You wear your heart on your sleeve."

How very silly it seems that people believe that being too nice and helping the world is a bad thing. It's quite perplexing that the notion of wearing your heart on your sleeve should be outlawed. As teenagers we are socialized to not speak of our emotions, but deal with conflict and problems other ways. Aggression, success, activities, procedure that is what we are taught are important. We must structure our lives we must not show others our weaknesses or too much of ourselves. We become socialized to be what is deemed to be socially "normal" though normalcy ceases to exist due to the complexities of humans and culture. My mother was always warm and loving to me and thus I became warm and loving. I love her for being like this to me, though she now refutes being warm and loving and tells me that people just "don't like that kind of behavior." I have to be emotional, but not too emotional for if I am deemed too nice I'm setting myself up for failure.

Does failure really lie in this quality? Perhaps this is why the statement that I am too hard on myself comes up so normal in my social life amongst friends. I'm constantly searching for a way to fit into this "normal" way of living. I want (and have always wanted) to just be considered normal. I was the target in high school I'm not afraid to admit I was picked on. I'm not afraid to admit that though I smiled and acted as though I was happy and cool with the bullying that it broke my heart on a daily basis. That I'd go home and cry to myself and wonder what was so wrong with me. Was I really that different? I struggled to be myself for an extremely long period of time. Unsure of how to get the other kids to view me as normal and cool to talk to and invite out. When I met Matt and Vivian I found people who were different like me and who accepted me for who I was fat or skinny, crybaby or happybaby, and different for conformed. Life is about holding on to those who accept you and are there for you no matter what in life.

We must all learn to accept that trials are a part of life. Yes my life is heavy. My mother is in stage four cancer and before this I have had my share of trials, but there are others who suffer even more trials than I have and still get through it. It's not about how terrible or how many trials you have in life it is how capable you are facing them. How you get through all of these hardships is how your life will turn out. I'm not ready to give up on being who I am. I'm not perfect, but we aren't built to be perfect. We are imperfect creatures who are constantly striving to be perfect and that is what drives us to turn into the unique and beautiful people we are. To answer those who tell me it is an impossibility to help the world I laugh in their face. Every time you are sad or feel as though you have nothing left the lord is there for you letting you cry to him. I do not take a break from attempting to help others. If you can do just one nice thing for someone it can be your family, friends, or even a stranger I believe that you have the ability to bring them a smile a split second of happiness in this gray world. If you can help those who you can sympathize with who are hard on themselves because they are striving to fit this defined "normalcy" role and let them know that they are perfect the way that they are then you could quite possibly change their mind and let them know it's okay to be the person they are.

The sooner we stop judging others and love people for who they are and accept their flaws is the day that the world will be happy again. We must remember that we are all different, but we share one home the earth. If we go outside and look at the stars remember we all see the same stars. We all share the same sun. We are connected by our home. We all need water to be alive and we all breath the same air. We share so much that we take for granted every day. I am blessed to be alive. I am really grateful that I have had a mother who loves me more than anyone else could ever love me in this life. I have a Dad who is my best friend and who understands me on so many levels. My brother would do anything for me and just wants my happiness. My friends love me no matter how much I screw up or how difficult I can be to deal with. I have met so many others whether they exited my life or remained that have helped me learn a little bit more about myself each and every day. The good have helped to reinforce my optimism for the world and the bad have helped to teach me a valuable lesson about myself.

What I want to end this blog with is a reminder and a plead to please never stop trying to complete that puzzle even if you get near the end and never finish it. Always work at it because life is a life long lesson and a life long game. We aren't meant to understand it all otherwise we wouldn't be here and our lives would be meaningless. Embrace the fact that you can't explain everything and accept you for who you are. Don't let others define you or change who you are. Those who love you and who are willing to learn about you are the people who will be there and care about you in life. Don't take that for granted and don't ever forget how beautiful the little things are. Smell the roses and sit laying at the cloud patterns. Enjoy the fact that others around the world have done or are doing the same thing you are. Recognize that we aren't the same, but if we were life would be boring and trivial. Keep challenging yourself to get that part of the puzzle done and don't just go to the easy section you could be missing out on one of the most beautiful sections of that puzzle.

Love you all. Stay strong and be safe in this life. I pray for the world.

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe

I need a log cabin right now and wilderness.

My body is physically drifting from me and so is my mind. I have to admit that I am losing right now. Maybe it's just the fever or over exhaustion quite frankly I can't pinpoint what is causing my distress as of today, but I have forgotten what real sleep and real rest actually is. I try so hard to put on a tough I'm a Chicago girl who can deal with anything. Look at me I'm intelligent, I'm working, I'm independent, I don't need anyone to survive, and I most certainly am not a weak person. I'm not I put up a facade. I've been arguing with everyone lately it's my way of pushing people away. Lately I just feel really alone. I'm dealing with a lot of heavy things on my own right now I try to confide in people, but they don't want to hear it. I know it's heavy I know nobody wants to listen to the debbie downer. I need my friends there I want to tell them my fears I miss them. I miss them so much and I miss my family and I miss everything. I miss my life the way it used to be I was so happy and so carefree and now I'm forced to have aged to my 40's and take care of everything. When I go out I enjoy myself, but I'm thinking of my responsibilities back here.  I have to fake happy I have to be everyone's idea of the Lexy they know. I'm not allowed to be sad, I'm not allowed to feel normal human emotion. I'm sick of it. I want to cry. I want to tell the world that I feel broken. I want someone to be there to just frickin listen to me talk about my worries with my mom. When people ask me what my thesis is I proudly tell them that it's about how young adults disclose their parents cancer diagnosis. I say it openly and never hesitate because it's my way of letting it out. My thesis is my way of telling everyone how this cancer has effected my life. I have been surrounded by the wretched disease my entire life, but now it's going to rob me of my mother. I want my mom to meet my kids and to be there for my wedding. She would be the best grandmother and she could tell me what I'm doing wrong with the baby. I want her to give me advice and argue with her when I think she is wrong only to find out she was really right. I want to hear her life stories and go through my midlife crisis with her there to calm me down. I am having trouble accepting that.

Speaking with others who have had to deal with this cancer bull at my age and coping with possibly losing their parents or who have lost them really made me see that I'm not crazy. That it is normal to experience the feelings that I am. I am not alone. My writing brings me comfort I want to help people who have to deal with this. I want people to not feel alone like how I did for a long time. I want them to know that if people cut you out of their life because you're dealing with heavy things that they don't really care and that they aren't worth your time. It's hard to remember that when everything seems to be caving in around you and you can't deal with losing more people in your life. I really have come to appreciate the people I do have and the people who show genuine concern for me. The honest truth right now is that I want to run away. I thought I wanted to go away to school because of other reasons, but now I'm realizing the real reason. I want to run away from all these problems. I just want to be alone and somewhere where I don't have to deal with anything. I wish I could be in a log cabin now like Thoreau just writing, reading, and enjoying the wilderness. I just want to be away and free. Where I can work on myself and focus on me and not have to worry about other people constantly. There's a lot I have to think about for my future and I'm starting to think about my options and take into consideration all the advice that has been given to me.

It hurts to think that you could make a wrong decision in life or a fantastic one. I guess you just have to take that leap of faith and trust that everything will work out in the end. I'm sick today, but I think I'm going to go sit outside wrapped in a blanket and enjoy the fall weather and read. I really need to clear my head and be free. I want to be free so bad and not cry anymore. Time to try and get through these emotions again. I study emotion so heavily yet I can not tame my own. I suppose I should know that there is no prescriptive way to define how we take care of our emotions or how we seek help. Scholars argue so frivolously amongst themselves about what is the "right" way to do such things, but I don't believe that we can. I believe that we could just become more in tune with our emotions, but sometimes they will run ramped. Have a nice week all.

Love you.

My kind of town Chicago is.

Whenever I hear people speak of Chicago who are tourists it always makes me chuckle a bit, because I can't imagine what Chicago must look like for those seeing it for the first time. I live amongst 9 million individuals some have spent their entire lives here others have immigrated or moved to this magnificent city (we do have magnificent mile after all here). I have lived here my entire life. I guess I always took advantage of the fact that I reside in such a marveled and beloved city to this country. New York and LA may have more numbers than us, but Chicago is a clean and beautiful city full of decent people. We are the infamous gangstas' of this country and we are proud to be Chicagoans. I realized today that I'm just about as Chicago as Chicago can get. I suppose I embody this city and what we stand for. No, I don't embody the silly little corrupt government aspect, but I reflect other pieces of it.

Like any typical major city there is a dire need to be fashionable. I enjoy flashy things and love to keep up with fashion styles. You don't need a ton of money to look good either! I can craft an outfit with accessories for super cheap thanks to target and other. I absolutely love staying busy and love the rush of the city. I feel like people in Chicago (not all), but many are go getters. We take pride in hard work and I'm certainty not afraid to work hard. I work two jobs and am going for a masters, but not to torture myself. To prove to myself that I capable and I can work hard. I'm no gangsta, but here in Chicago we have so many sub cultures! One that I feel close with is the punk culture (especially Irish Punk). As a teenager I was lost without my music and concerts and seeing local bands just made my heart melt. When I was in Arizona at the Street Dogs concert and Flatfoot 56 it was crazy to see how different people act there vs. here in Chicago. At punk shows here we like to beat on each other and go crazy at concerts. One minute there's a huge pit and the next amazing grace is playing and we are arm in arm enjoying life with one another. I just love how diverse this city is. Sure sometimes I wonder why my parents would want to raise a family in such an overpriced, crazy, busy, and hectic city! Then I think about it and I see tourists and their awe of the city and I remember my awe's when I was a little girl going to the aquarium with my parents and walking along lake shore drive looking at the skyline. I imagine that is why people struggle in New York and L.A. We are proud of our cities and remember our awe's so the suffering at times is worth it.

People also assume that because I am a city girl I am afraid to enjoy the simple things in life that I am a materialistic stuck up little creature. This is so far from the truth. I am not stuck up, I will not judge you, and I love all people. I am not afraid to get rugid and dirty. I love the outdoors and camping. My dad and I were sitting sipping on our nice hot drinks during this fall weather and discussing life per usual. I expressed my need to have a man who isn't afraid of the outdoors and who frequents being outside and camping. I love camping and being one with nature. Industrialization I believe made us forget to appreciate how beautiful this world is and how blessed we are to have Earth. My cute friend chuckled at me the other night and said that I was an environmentalist. It's kind of true. We are slowly destroying the gift that has been given to us. This is our home and we need to respect it. I also love fishing and I love living in the Midwest. For those who believe the Midwest is flat this is untrue! Sure we don't have mountains, but we have hills that are gorgeous. We have so much water here in the Midwest and it's fresh! None of that salty stuff that makes you feel weird after swimming in it and there's no sharks! We are the farming capital here and our cornfields are the coolest part of having fall and a harvest.

This fall has been incredible thus far I have no idea where I am going with this post quite honestly. Just a need to vent on my love for Chicago. I've been doing what I want to lately and it feels great. I think it's what I have needed for myself. I need to learn to do things for myself and not listen to others. I have lived in fear and really limited myself for the past couple years. I could blame someone else for all the submissive behavior I have grown accustomed too, but that would be unfair because ultimately it has been me who has limited myself. Sure, we are influenced by others and what occurs in our lives I acknowledge this. As someone who frivolously studies communication and human behavior I understand just how influential socialization is on our everyday experience and our personal growth in life. Though I respect and acknowledge this I realize just the person I have become.

"Women must make a name for themselves if we do not fight to do so we will never be taken seriously. Men believe that they can outwit us, out exert themselves, and outdo us in nearly everything. Women are just as capable if not more capable. We must suffer great pains and we have the ability to give birth. We see the world through an emotional lens and often hurt just as much as those that are hurting. Women are the definition of strength and for men to denounce that and objectify us we allow them to control our strength. They fear us this is why they ultimately suppress our voices. This is why when women began to stand up for themselevs they were deemed witches and killed of. This is why in modern day women are seen as nothing more than sexual objects that are easily manipulated. This is why young girls feel like they HAVE to have a boyfriend and without one they are nothing. Little do they know they are something. They are a force that is to be reckoned with and if given the chance they could do such great things."

Part of one of my feminist rants... Yes that is my writing. I do believe this and I do believe that behind every great man there is a great woman. Look at Eleanor Roosevelt (my personal hero) her husband was a wonderful man who did so many great things for this country, but she was just as great if not more great. She is an example that all women should follow. We need not be afraid to say we are feminist and that we believe in women's rights and equality. We should not believe that sex will sell us. These pop stars sicken me, because they are brainwashing our youth into believing they need to be a certain way to be accepted by men. Not all men are like this women. For everyone don't be afraid of being who you are and loving the person you are. If you don't love yourself no one will and if you don't work everyday to better yourself you won't be a better person. You are in control of your own life. You can do as you wish and you need to. Live life how you wish to live it because you only get one chance here on Earth. Enjoy the beautiful world and the simple things. Don't say no all the time (take the movie yes man as an example) try new things you wouldn't normally try and experience. You might be surprised how much you discover about yourself.

Love always,
The girl of random rants Alexis Zoe

If you have faith you will never be alone.

Childhood Lexy: "Mom, I want to go to synagogue. I want to learn about our people and I want to have a connection with g-d"

Needless to say any mother would be flabbergasted by their young girl actually wanting to attend synagogue and go to Sunday school. My mother had no intention of sending my brother and I just kind of weaseled her into letting us go. I went for several years and enjoyed my experience there thoroughly except for the whole getting along with other young Jewish kids. When I felt excluded or left out I always remembered that I was not there to please them, but to strengthen my relationship with the lord. For a long time praying and being religious brought me peace. It made me believe that everything would be okay and I grew stronger because of my faith. People often believe that seeing is believing, but sometimes you can have the most powerful and most brilliant revelations from that which you can not see. Now more than ever I have been turning to prayer and seeking guidance.

This month is Cancer month and Bullying month two things that hold very dear to my heart. There are things I will not admit publicly on this blog, but I have had my share with both. As most of you probably already know my mother is ill with cancer. Each day is a struggle to accept that she has this awful disease that I have lost so many loved ones to. What most of you may not know is that I was bullied heavily during my middle school and high school years. I have been reading this book and I could definitely be classified as the target. I was humiliated, lacked a substantial amount of friends, and often would sit by myself reading ignoring the ridiculing of other children. I look back on it now and bump into the kids who bullied me from time to time and am not horrid to them. In fact I smile and openly speak about how I have been if they inquire. I try not to hold too many grudges, because life is too short. We can't change the past, but if they knew the torment they put me through they would in my shoes most likely not even want to see my face. Now that I am older I see how trivial that life is, but there are still so many young people who must face bullying and hardships everyday, which saddens me. I wish more than anything that I could lift their spirits and give them big hugs. Let them all know they are special, unique, and will have better lives.

When I was in high school I was deemed a retard lover and a fat ass. My nickname wasn't something cute and people certainly did not call me sexy lexy (at least not give me a compliment). I was whale, Waters, anything but something positive. I barely even fit in with my drama folks, which was the only positive thing I had going for me in high school. I sat with the mentally disabled not because I wanted to put a target on my back and make a statement. I sat with them because I had genuine interest in their well being. I saw them as people and could not believe that some kids could make fun of someone who has no control over what they were born with. It was the most rewarding experience that I had in high school sitting with those kids. I learned so much from them that I would never have if I hadn't been bold and given myself the opportunity of getting to know them.

Today people are still so consumed with self image regardless of where they are or what age. It seems people often have to put on a fake face in order to be deemed normal or acceptable by society. We shut ourselves in this little cage of our own world and become ignorant to others in the world. Lately I have opened myself up to more than just my own religion not because I think my religion is wrong it still is a deep beautiful part of who I am and is something that has gotten me through so many rough patches, but because I want to see what is out there. I want to understand why we have such dichotomous viewpoints on religion and why we can't attempt to understand others. Yes, often we are pretty set our beliefs but I don't believe that is a harm in getting to know everyone. We are all children of g-d and we need to learn to accept others and not judge. I don't judge anyone... not even the horrid people who commit horrid crimes. It is not my place to judge, but the lords for what they have done. That is extremely difficult for me to say, because it hits so close to home and is such a hard topic for me to speak of.

Tears are coming again. I have cried a lot lately and for a bit I began to think that there was something incredibly wrong with me. I began to question my sanity, whether I was just an emo depressed bi polar person who needed to see somebody when I felt the compelling urge to cry. I prayed, I read, I surrounded myself with nothing but things I loved and adored. I used those confused and fearful feelings and used them to make myself a more proactive, productive individual. I accomplished so much today despite my somewhat bad news and previous negative attitude. I cried today and even had a brawl with my Father who I wish knew how much I love him. Then it hit me while I was sitting there in my vehicle crying my eyes out. It is OKAY to cry. The lord does not punish you for tears. In fact, tears should exist if that is a part of who you are if that makes you feel better. It's much better to cry then to go out and do something irrational. It's healthy to let our your pain in a physical way. Tears to me now are beautiful (obviously I don't want to cry all the time), but tears show your vulnerability. They let you express your sadness and help you to feel better. Why wouldn't you feel blessed to be able to cry?

I am going through a whirl of emotions now. I think I have finally found out what I truly want and what I have been missing. I love my family. I love the people they all are and I love all they have done. My mother is my hero and despite her thoughts that I am not fond of her she is my favorite person in this entire world. She is the definition of what true strength is and I just want her to know that everyday I have her I feel so privileged to have had such an amazing mother and such an amazing example of what a woman should be. I love Chicago Illinois. I do often crave something new and want to see the world. I'm 22 years young and I have an entire life ahead of me to see all the beauty and experience living in other places, but for now I am happy where I am. I need to be where I am and I want to thank everyone in my life for being the wonderful people that they are. I'm starting to learn to not take for granted the people who really love you, because once they are gone that's it. It's hard to find that in every person you meet and I have been so lucky to have my family and friends. They are my lifeline. I can be Lexy around them and not be afraid to cry, or laugh my silly laugh, or rant like a dork on nonsensical topics, or just be the goofy person I am.

<3 always,
Alexis Zoe

That's Heavy.

Forgive me my dear darling blog for I have forgotten your existence temporarily and now will make more effort to writing at least once a week instead of going nearly a month. I'm sure that you don't have a tremendously large amount of readers, but that doesn't matter. What matters is this blog has the ability to create a substantial revision of my world in order to create a more positive and motivated me. I have so much to share in this short little blog (well it virtually could be a novel if I so choose, but I won't bore you all with all the exciting details of my life). I suppose I will start with the most recent and go backwards. Most people would chose to start with the old stuff and then move onto the new, but I am daring to be different today. Yesterday I woke up and instantly had this positive "I'm happy" kind of feeling. I went to my first job after only sleeping for one hour and threw boxes more quickly than usual and smiled as doing so. I typically go home after work and get at least a 2 hour nap before I have to go into my second job, but today I decided that I was not tired and could run on 1 hour of sleep for my impending long day. I went to breakfast with my father and paid. I figured he was struggling and it'd be nice to treat him and just spend time with him. After rushing home trying to nap for a small amount and then showering and getting ready for work I smiled and was excited to go to work and be productive.

 I took with my new dollar wall calender I found at Micheal's that's super cute and hung it on my wall writing out all of my plans and deadlines so that I would actually complete everything instead of "getting to it later" which inevitably ends with me freaking out and feeling terrible that I was unable to complete what I need to (like a submission for central states conference which I will now be unable to attend and am feeling bummed about it). I was listening to some hymns and inspirational music, getting all my work done, and even had some time for myself until I realized my wallet was missing and that I would be unable to eat anything for 24 hours on top of having no sleep. I called my father in a frenzy attempting to keep my positive attitude and convincing myself that the wallet was no big deal and that I could just pig out when I got home. I caved and ended up having a terrible rest of the day. My father and I sort of had a fall out and I felt like a terrible hellion sent girl who deserved nothing but to be under a rock somewhere away from society where I could not make mistakes or upset people. My boss gave me a ton of work to check over at 5:30 (after my shift mind you) and stayed there until 6 on the dot so I was unable to print my articles and I was late for meeting with my friend. I went to class in a sulky mood.

"That's heavy," seemed to be the theme for last night. Social support was our topic, which ironically enough made me feel even worse. It took a great deal for me to hold in the tears. The most easily related topic to social support that I continued to discuss was my thesis on young adults disclosing their parents advanced cancer diagnosis. As I related my project and spoke about my findings I began to feel myself defending those people in an attempt to defend myself. In an attempt to defend every person out there who is alone and in an experience that is extremely difficult to relate to. When you find someone who has a parent with cancer it's almost this sick excitement that you have someone who knows... Who feels your pain. Somebody in class spoke about her father and how the experience was different as a child. It is for that reason that I am focusing on people in my age group of 18-25. These individuals are desperately trying to break into adulthood and be independent and start their own lives. It becomes extremely difficult to start anything when you have a sick parent and I think my way of dealing with it is running away. I'm starting to realize that in my pain and agony I have built a structured life so that I am not here and that I have something else to "complain" about. My life is heavy. I don't have a therapist. I don't have a social network I can talk to about my pain. I'm often deemed to be debbie downer at any attempt to self disclose my problems.

I am forever grateful for my friend Nicole. She has no idea how much she does for me during our weekly after class talks. I'm afraid of sharing with her how I feel and my life because I'm used to people just kind of abandoning me in times of need or judging me. Not wanting to listen to the heavy, because it is after all grim and depressing. Social support has taught me just how complicated and difficult it is to give adequate social support. It seems most don't want to provide this type of support or don't know how to effectively. We attempt to define how it should be, but we fail to realize that each person is different and that each situation or need to deal with the distress is complex and intricate. She suggested I see somebody and was concerned with me not having anyone to talk with about everything. She made me feel as though there wasn't anything wrong with me and that it was completely normal to be upset in a situation like mine. When I got in my car to call Johnny back I just burst into tears. His phone was off and then I just balled more. Alone. Always alone. I can't speak to people about things. I'm heavy. I didn't know how I was going to drive home in my state of mind. I blasted Radical Face and weeped the entire way home. I wanted to scream and shout and tell the world that I was in pain and I had legitimate reasons to be. I wanted to tell them that I didn't want to plan for my mothers death. I didn't want to have to feel bad about going for a PhD and that I didn't feel intelligent enough. I wanted to tell them that I needed a hug, that all I really wanted was someone to give me a hug and say it's okay Lexy you're a strong person. Reconfirm that it was silly for me to be crying. Tell me that my discourse was fascinating and only built character. That my rhetorical self was really quite perplexing. I am something to be reckoned with.

I came home crying to a mother who was curious and a brother who was I think confused. I miss my house that we lost. I grew up in that house and I know it's just a house, but it was taken from us. We didn't want to get rid of it yet. My mother is ill and I'm having trouble accepting that. I want to succeed and travel in life, but I have to work two jobs to have any kind of money and working so much is hard, even on me. I feel worried about my thesis and about being accepted into a PhD program. I miss my happy place, the carefree me.

To lighten the mood I was in Arizona last weekend, which was a fun time. I love going to visit my boyfriend because it gives me something to look forward to and it's nice to get away from all the chaos here in Chicago for a little while. I went there for a family reunion. I already loved his brothers family and his mother so I was sure I would love the rest of the family, which I ended up falling in love with. I never had a huge family most of my moms family is scattered or passed away when I was young and I'm not the most fond of my fathers side. I miss my grandparents on my mothers side, my great aunt, and then my fathers great grandparents. If they were all still here I think I'd be more satisfied with my family, but for now I really only feel like I have my mother, brother, and father. Anyways, his family was wonderful. I was super nervous to meet them and nearly had an anxiety attack the first night. It's hard for me to be put in social settings (despite my apparent confidence and study of human communication). I suppose when you want to impress people you have a different mindset going into the situation. I had a lot of fun with them and am so glad that they let me come and meet them all! They made me feel right at home and were the nicest most fun people I have met in a long while. Next time I won't be so shy and I actually opened up a lot.

Time with Johnny is always fun it's really hard for me to not have someone physically there with me. I'm kind of a needy person when it comes to affection and I'm not afraid to admit that. I love having people to hug. Hugging is like my favorite past time. Going home to not that much affection kind of bums me out. I can hug my dad, but there's only so many times I can do that without it being borderline creepy (at least in public) lol! I also have trouble going to the airport and sitting there for hours thinking that's time I could spend with him and having to say goodbye. I'm not good at goodbye's ever. I put my sunglasses on in the airport and cried a bit by myself until I began to read Queen Bees and Wannabees that Bri was so sweet to let me borrow. It helped get my mind off the situation.

Other than all of this I suppose I have been just doing what I typically do. Being a full time employee and full time student. Taking care of what I can with my family and enjoying living. The other weekend my father and I went apple picking which was super fun. I love autumn and everything it has to offer. I am so excited to be going to Galena soon with the family and just enjoying my family and this gorgeous weather here in Illinois. Though my state is somewhat corrupt and full of debt it is a beautiful place both the city and the country.Since this blog has become I novel I shall end it here. If you read this I commend you.

<3 AlexisZoe

Perhaps...

Perhaps I'm soul searching in the wrong areas. Perhaps I am so uncertain because the intention of life is uncertainty. Perhaps I am struggling because I fear the future and so putting of future endeavors will cause this fear to subside slightly in time until it is absolutely quintessential that I make some form of a decision. Perhaps my expectations ARE too high despite my claims of having little to no expectations. Perhaps... Perhaps....

My last hour of work yesterday after being up over 24 hours with just one 1 hour nap left me drained. Both jobs required so much work I didn't think I'd make it. I thought for sure I'd be like a little lifeless piece of matter attempting to look coherent during class. The whole fun part of last night was that I was required to do a reading response and I honestly felt as though my response would fall short. Class astounds me. When sitting in class I am able to be recovered to fully charged. My life slowly creeps back into that little form of matter attempting to blend in with it's environment to something vibrant and bold longing to be heard. My reading response was so riveting and I was so satisfied with what direction my questions went. My professor said that we often get off track, but sometimes those are the best classes.

I find those to be the best classes. After class me and one of the most amazing friends I've had (Nicole) were walking to our cars just discussing. We always get on the topic of boys somehow and I realized something that is essential to my existence. Love. Perhaps the most important thing other than academics in my life is falling in love, being in love, and retaining love. I claim that I am independent, a feminist, somebody who laughs in the face of men. Somebody who is constantly trying to prove myself as a woman in this male dominated world. Somebody who will work a physical labor job and try to out throw the men to prove something. To prove that I am not merely a little girl who is incapable of anything somewhat masculine. Something that requires hard work, but at the same time I don't know where I'd be without Johnny. I don't know if I'd be as satisfied I'd be. I could live a separate life from him (which is basically what I am doing now since we live apart), but being able to call him or text him and to feel loved it's an indescribable feeling. I feel as though I am this spirit that is a walking contradiction.

"You are my inspiration." Somebody said to me yesterday evening. I kind of chuckled. I'm somewhat modest and am unsure of how to receive compliments. I become this awkward, childlike individual who smiles and chuckles.

"I'm just a psychopath." I replied.

Am I truly an inspiration? I don't deem or think of myself as any more worthy of inspirational than anybody else. In fact, despite all my accomplishments and peoples claims of my beauty I am probably one of the most insecure people. I don't believe that I am always beautiful, I struggle with my self image, my writing always falls short, and I feel as though I slack a lot in life when I could be somebody so much more proactive. Then it got me thinking that my insecurities and imperfections are what make me so unique and perhaps so inspirational. I'm not afraid to be different. I'm not afraid to be who I am and I do expose my insecurities and fears. I disclose which scholarship suggests is rare (Refer to Duck and Wilson). My life has been full of accomplishments and I know I will continue to prosper, but when it comes to social relationships I hold myself back. I am so concerned and wanting to retain relationships whether they be friendships or significant others that I tend to focus most of my attention and thoughts on that. I feel that I am where I want to be in my life, but without others to share that with my life ceases to have meaning. Perhaps my article last night was correct that relationships and communities are fundamental to the human experience. Do we need people? We often see in movies such as Cast Away and I Am Legend that people begin to go mad speaking with inanimate objects or animals as though they can speak back to us.

So many questions are in my mind. I know now why I want to be in academics, because I seek knowledge. I know that truth with a capitol T does not exist easily. The uncertainties of the world create this rush of desire of knowledge. I am certain that I am living as correctly as my intentions are. I believe that I understand myself much deeper than I once knew. I'm not afraid and am ready to be me and expose myself to the world. I am ready to help others and I am passionate about this life. I do require love. I do require friends. I do require going on long drives and enjoying nature. I know what I need to maintain a happy life and how I can be a better person for those that surround me.

Last week I went on the most riveting camping trip with my half sister and her friend. I love being outside and it reminds me of how glorious this world truly is. It's simply amazing and fantastic that we have been blessed to live in such a world and be graced with the beauty of the worlds natural beauty. I feel industrialization is like make up for the natural world. It looks beautiful, shiny, pretty, masked if you will, but when you deconstruct all those layers of architecture  your left with something natural and beautiful. Sure the outdoors isn't always deemed beautiful. I acknowledge there is ugly outside such as itchy plants and creepy insects, but with the ugly there is beauty as well and that outweighs anything that may be creepy, crawly, and fearful. I find myself all over again when I am in the outdoors and it makes me think of the pioneers and all that they had to go through. They didn't have cabins or tents, but rather a little wagon with several people and all their food for the months to come. They braved it and made it so sitting in the freezing rain last Saturday seemed so trivial and when I did get back into the tent and in warm cloths I felt so grateful to have warm cloths and shelter. Being outdoors is beautiful, but reminds me of how lucky and privileged I am to have simple things such as shelter, food, warmth.

I'll leave you with lyrics by these wonderful musicians Mumford and Sons.

How fickle my heart
and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find
any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles
on things I don't know
This weakness I feel
I must finally show

Lend me your hand
and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart
and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes
I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep,
totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe

I'm losing what I don't deserve.

Class brings me so much joy and for a moment in my life I forget all of my troubles. It reminds me of why I am working so hard and makes me reevaluate my life. Honestly I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what is right for me. I realize how much I put into others when I should be directing that energy towards myself and my goals. I have my eyes on something so much greater than this life I am living now and I know that I am fully capable of it. I think there is a lot of things that are kind of setting me back and I need to really think about what I can do to move forward. Life is full of tough decisions that just make us stronger in the end. Sometimes I'm really afraid and I wonder if I'm strong enough to do all of this on my own. I have dealt with life fairly well on my own always coining myself a lone wolf. Tonight my friend asked me how I was holding up. It's weird to have someone ask you that question "how are you holding up?" It's as though they can sense your anguish somehow. It began harmlessly enough with me speaking about my thesis, which is always difficult for me to discuss. I was discussing what interesting things I've found in regards to stigma and disclosure of a parents cancer diagnosis. She asked me if I was going to read my work to my mother and I replied that I was not, because it contains sensitive and raw material of my emotions. I don't want my mother knowing exactly how I feel. The intention of my research project is to help others who are dealing with the same type of emotional rollercoaster I've had to go through these years.

Alone. Procedural. Unsure of how to address the cancer in social situations. I suppose it's something I've just attempted to eradicate completely from my social life. I don't like speaking about it and there is only really one person that I seek help and support from and that's Johnny. I hate seeking his help because it's so heavy and often times I feel like I'm being a cry baby and it makes me fear my emotional baggage will be too much for someone to handle. She asked me if I had a social support network I could go to. I hesitated with my reply, because when it comes down to it I feel like I have no one to talk to. People don't want to hear about your problems. They want constant happiness. I expressed this to her and she said that she heard something on the radio about how Americans expect happiness 24/7 and that's just not realistic or practical. She said that I seemed so strong and fine and was shocked that I rarely speak of my problems. When I am in class I want every little trouble to go away. I just want to focus on the literature. I want to surround my mind with complexities that requires every inch of my brain for processing and does not leave room for other thoughts. Do I feel alone? Should I lie? I do feel alone a lot of the time. Not because I don't have people who are there for me I am surrounded by wonderful people in my life. When I say alone I mean there is not one person I can go to that I love and who are in my life that can relate to my experiences. They can attempt to help me, but it's uncomfortable for them and they can't really understand my "emoness" if you want to use that term to express my down times.

I just want to be free. I feel so tied down in my life right now and I really just feel like cutting away the chains and freeing myself. I don't know what I want or where I want to go. I don't know what there is in store for me, but I trust that things will work out for the best in the end. I guess I just want to soar. I want to be constantly in the air feeling, refreshed, and free. Tomorrow I am going out with Vivian and I think it's time I actually use my friends and stop fearing letting myself open up. I've closed my emotions off to most of the world, because every time I try to express them I am shot down, called silly for being upset, and deemed to be too much to handle. I know that is not true and recognize that I am a human being. I have emotions. I am a female who feels more than she should. I have a heart that is nothing but gold. I want to help people more than I want to help myself. I used to think doubt was the root of all evil, but now I know that it is not. We have doubts, because we have crucial decisions to make in our lives and it's scary to think you can make a terrible one. We grow from our mistakes and continue to learn more about ourselves as we live, but it's hard when you jump into something head first without giving it some sort of thought.

I'm excited to see my friend tomorrow I need some guidance in my life right now. I really need to do a lot of thinking. I know I am still the person that I am, but I feel as though something is missing in my life. I can't quite put my finger on it exactly, but I just have to keep trusting that I will get through this rough patch. I am one heck of a girl and I have come so far. I can't give up and I have to keep fighting. Yikes well I'm off to bed, this was sort of my vent for the night. I'm terribly sorry blog that you must serve as my rant victim, but you are the most convenient and best little place I have to vent. You don't say anything and just listen to my words. Signs of delirium occur when you speak to blogs. This zombie is off to bed too tired for brains.

<3
Alexis Zoe

What's beyond sympathy?

I was unaware that so many of you would be receptive to be reentering the blogging world. I was unaware that so many of you read my blog and found inspiration or anything out of it to say the least. It is really flattering and I always do things with the intention of having some sort of purpose. You're wonderful souls have given my blog purpose and have encouraged me to continue on my prolific journey of using my words to verbalize emotions and the truths of everyday life. The truths in my everyday life at least, we all have compelling stories and experience emotions in so many different ways. My friend Boku left me a comment on my last blog that I will respond to in this blog in hopes you all may hear a piece of the insight he had to share. He said that inside of us are little boxes wrapped up like gifts, but when we open that box we only find another inside. Just when we believe we have unwrapped the box and have gotten to the prize we haven't. This goes back to the analogy used by scholar Hegel on having our own little personal treasure chests inside of our minds. I'm fairly certain I have mentioned this previously seeing as it is my favorite description of understanding others and myself. We are the only owners of the key to our personal treasure chests and we can choose who we want to see some of the treasure, but they can never have that treasure it belongs solely to us. We can share some with others, but we will always hold the box and the key so that is left to our digression.

When I was working throwing boxes at work I normally am miserable on Mondays. Today went by so quickly I could barely recollect where the time went. I suppose my mind was elsewhere... It was on my mother and my thoughts and prayers where with her all day. I know that this life is just part of a bigger plan and that someday things will be better. There won't be all the pain and suffering we experience on Earth. Everything will have seemed so trivial and we will laugh and be with those we love again somewhere much more beautiful than this Earth. Somewhere that takes our breath away and where we can finally be completely us. We don't have to live in fear of being judged, because we are with our creator and with our loved ones in their purest form. I love my family they give me a reason to live on. They give me the support I've always needed. I know that if something should ever happen to any of them they'd want me to continue to prosper no matter what happened. I will. I'm a fighter and my mom has taught me what it really means to fight. She has fought something I could not imagine having. She is my true hero and I though we have our differences I love her more than anything else in this world. Her and my father have given me a good life and all they want is my happiness and I'm starting to realize that they are the people who care about me more than anyone else in this entire world. No one will love me as much as my parents do, especially my mother. She did everything for us and all she ever wanted was to give us love. Last night she called me just to tell me that she couldn't be happier to have a daughter like me. I'm crying thinking about what she said to me, because I'm not perfect but I do try my hardest to make my parents proud and happy. I know I've treated them poorly before when all they want is the best for my life. I love my parents so much and I am the fighter and person I am today because of the wonderful job they did.

I went to dinner with my brother tonight and had a wonderful time just being with him. I'm grateful to have a brother who cares about me so much too. I know that he'd always protect me no matter what happened even if I was wrong. Family never give up on you and always are there and I'm grateful for mine. I may not have a huge family and a ton of people I can turn to, but they people I do have are golden. They are the best I could ever have. Tomorrow I have both of my jobs. The next day I have both of my jobs and school. Normal people would dread such long days, but I'm looking forward to them. I'm being tested of how much strength I have. I have a thesis to finish, PhD applications to get through, conferences to plan for, and so much more responsibility. I am twenty two years young and I am determined to finish this year successfully in everything that I do. Sure it's tough to do all that I do, but I am living proof that you can do it and being happy too.

I'm starting to get more in tune with my emotions I believe... I'm so much more happy just living my own life. I'm not letting things get to me as much anymore, because I'm starting to realize how precious life is and starting to feel that I am worthy of being treated well. I'm not going to surround myself with people who only bring me down anymore. It's not worth my time or agony. If they need my help and come to me seeking help I will provide them with that. I will never turn away someone who is in a time of need regardless of the wrong they may have done. We all need somebody sometimes whether we want to admit that or not. So many people want to just disappear and deal with things alone, but eventually you need someone there for me. Someone who will tell you things will be okay and provide a shoulder to cry on. My friend said that he could almost feel my emotions when he was reading my blog. I want people to feel just as I feel. I have so much sympathy for others. I desire to help more than anything and understand how they feel. With every bad experience I try to help others who are experiencing something similar. We can never understand anyone's story completely, because we do have these presents or treasure chests inside of ourselves but we can make an attempt to show them they are not alone. I wish I could take all the sad, lonely, and hurting people in the world and give them one great big hug. I wish I could make them feel the love that I have been blessed to feel in my life. Some people never get that love or never know it.

I have so much to live for. I have so much love and compassion in my heart and I want the world to feel that love. I want to be me and I am not living in fear any more. I am emotional yes. I get angry, sad, lonely, and just downright depressing at times. I can be dramatic and get jealous I will not deny my faults. I am a beautiful person inside though and all I want is the happiness of those I love. All I ever want is to be me and loved for me and I finally am not afraid to deny the love I have for myself and how grateful I am to be the person I am. I have transformed into a wonderful young lady and I love this world that I live in. Thanks so much for being so wonderful all of you should be proud to be the good people you are <3

<3 you all always and forever,
Alexis Zoe