I'm losing what I don't deserve.

Class brings me so much joy and for a moment in my life I forget all of my troubles. It reminds me of why I am working so hard and makes me reevaluate my life. Honestly I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what is right for me. I realize how much I put into others when I should be directing that energy towards myself and my goals. I have my eyes on something so much greater than this life I am living now and I know that I am fully capable of it. I think there is a lot of things that are kind of setting me back and I need to really think about what I can do to move forward. Life is full of tough decisions that just make us stronger in the end. Sometimes I'm really afraid and I wonder if I'm strong enough to do all of this on my own. I have dealt with life fairly well on my own always coining myself a lone wolf. Tonight my friend asked me how I was holding up. It's weird to have someone ask you that question "how are you holding up?" It's as though they can sense your anguish somehow. It began harmlessly enough with me speaking about my thesis, which is always difficult for me to discuss. I was discussing what interesting things I've found in regards to stigma and disclosure of a parents cancer diagnosis. She asked me if I was going to read my work to my mother and I replied that I was not, because it contains sensitive and raw material of my emotions. I don't want my mother knowing exactly how I feel. The intention of my research project is to help others who are dealing with the same type of emotional rollercoaster I've had to go through these years.

Alone. Procedural. Unsure of how to address the cancer in social situations. I suppose it's something I've just attempted to eradicate completely from my social life. I don't like speaking about it and there is only really one person that I seek help and support from and that's Johnny. I hate seeking his help because it's so heavy and often times I feel like I'm being a cry baby and it makes me fear my emotional baggage will be too much for someone to handle. She asked me if I had a social support network I could go to. I hesitated with my reply, because when it comes down to it I feel like I have no one to talk to. People don't want to hear about your problems. They want constant happiness. I expressed this to her and she said that she heard something on the radio about how Americans expect happiness 24/7 and that's just not realistic or practical. She said that I seemed so strong and fine and was shocked that I rarely speak of my problems. When I am in class I want every little trouble to go away. I just want to focus on the literature. I want to surround my mind with complexities that requires every inch of my brain for processing and does not leave room for other thoughts. Do I feel alone? Should I lie? I do feel alone a lot of the time. Not because I don't have people who are there for me I am surrounded by wonderful people in my life. When I say alone I mean there is not one person I can go to that I love and who are in my life that can relate to my experiences. They can attempt to help me, but it's uncomfortable for them and they can't really understand my "emoness" if you want to use that term to express my down times.

I just want to be free. I feel so tied down in my life right now and I really just feel like cutting away the chains and freeing myself. I don't know what I want or where I want to go. I don't know what there is in store for me, but I trust that things will work out for the best in the end. I guess I just want to soar. I want to be constantly in the air feeling, refreshed, and free. Tomorrow I am going out with Vivian and I think it's time I actually use my friends and stop fearing letting myself open up. I've closed my emotions off to most of the world, because every time I try to express them I am shot down, called silly for being upset, and deemed to be too much to handle. I know that is not true and recognize that I am a human being. I have emotions. I am a female who feels more than she should. I have a heart that is nothing but gold. I want to help people more than I want to help myself. I used to think doubt was the root of all evil, but now I know that it is not. We have doubts, because we have crucial decisions to make in our lives and it's scary to think you can make a terrible one. We grow from our mistakes and continue to learn more about ourselves as we live, but it's hard when you jump into something head first without giving it some sort of thought.

I'm excited to see my friend tomorrow I need some guidance in my life right now. I really need to do a lot of thinking. I know I am still the person that I am, but I feel as though something is missing in my life. I can't quite put my finger on it exactly, but I just have to keep trusting that I will get through this rough patch. I am one heck of a girl and I have come so far. I can't give up and I have to keep fighting. Yikes well I'm off to bed, this was sort of my vent for the night. I'm terribly sorry blog that you must serve as my rant victim, but you are the most convenient and best little place I have to vent. You don't say anything and just listen to my words. Signs of delirium occur when you speak to blogs. This zombie is off to bed too tired for brains.

<3
Alexis Zoe