So often are we tested in life to see if we are strong enough to survive. The other day I learned (and reaffirmed) my belief that the lord gives us issues and negative things in life only to test our strength and prays that we will retain the lesson that is meant to be learned from such negativity. Sometimes it's difficult to believe that we can get through some of the trials in life, but I am not prepared to give up and become a negative person. I have always believed that I have been dealt the life I have, because I was intended to help people. The only way you can truly help someone (or come close to helping someone) I believe is if you have experienced the experience yourself. Your experiences are going to be quite different from others, because we all have our own unique perspectives on life, but if you can understand something and relate it makes it that much easier to help somebody. I suppose somewhere in the process of attempting to help others I became so consumed with their happiness that I had forgotten to attend to my own. I try to stay away from negative things, but I do cry and I do fear the future. I can't deny that I am in denial that my life isn't perfect and that I am imperfect. I want to believe that I am this intelligent, sweet, and amazing person. I believe I have good qualities yes, but am I living a perfect life and am I the perfect person? No. I am the opposite and I suppose one could argue that imperfect is perfect, but I feel as though sometimes I become a different and unhappy person that I do not recognize.
I am grateful for the things I do have in my life and I constantly thank the lord, but I have to show my thanks. I have to do so much more than just saying that I am grateful. Life does get to us all at some point and sometimes we need people to lean on. I'm afraid to lean on people. Every time I want to open up I'm afraid I'll be judged and so I smile. Even in my worst hour I attempt to have a smile on my face and continue to help others. When I'm having a bad day I always try to deal with it on my own, but lately I feel as though I do need someone to lean on. People are so used to me helping them that they are shocked I am seeking help, but I do need it. I think I'm going to begin my fast sooner, because I just need some strength. Here I go crying again. My tears aren't so much out of being "emo", but more so because I just I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling I suppose. I just have found strength in a lot of things lately especially in prayer. I don't know what I'd do without the lord. I don't know how I'd find the strength to do all that I am doing. I know that I can do this and I just have to keep fighting. I don't want to fight this alone anymore. I do need the people in my life as much as I claim I am a lone wolf and that I don't need anyone. As much as I have threatened to pick up and leave and start a new life. I love the people in my life and I have just been such a different person lately. A person I claimed I would never be.
I love my friends so much. They have been there for me when I cry, was sick, and needed a good laugh. They are my family away from my family and they have done so much for me. I feel closer to them though I haven't been as close as I once was. My family has done so much for me and I just take that for granted too often. I am so afraid for everything the uncertainty that comes with what has been cast upon my family. I hate to see them struggle and I hate how I feel so helpless. This helplessness has turned me helpless and I do need to be more proactive and do more to show them how much I do appreciate them. They have always been there for me my entire life. They would never abandon me how many people can you honestly say that about in life? Not many people have a family like I do (though my family may be small). My classmates and professors have just enlightened me so much. They are some of the most intelligent and beautiful people I have ever met. I honestly keep going and want to be a better person and want to further my knowledge because of them. They are incredible individuals who I see so much potential in and want to see them successful and happy. I want to go to conferences and catch up and discuss how our lives are and I know they will be life long friends.
I just needed to vent. I know this post didn't really have any sense or purpose, but it was just my mind needing to let out some thoughts that were racing. I can't even begin to describe how stressful life can be, but the stress is so beautiful. With all of the bad in life I appreciate all of the good. I really cherish memories and moments spent with the wonderful people I know a lot more than if I had never had to experience these bad things. I know it seems crazy to embrace all the negative, but it makes you realize how lucky you really are. There are others who never will have what I did and I wish I could give them that. There are people who feel so alone everyday of their lives and people who really get upset over petty things. Some people have no family or friends or the support that I do. Some people never live their dreams or never try to out of fear, and I am surrounded by the lord, my family, friends, and other wonderful people who push me everyday to be the person that I am today. I am truly blessed ugh!
<3always,
Alexis Zoe
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