Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

"We build up hope, but failure's all you've known. Remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go. Let it go. Let it go."

9:15 PM. I am letting go of all of the sadness and frustration. I am turning over a new leaf, I really am this time I'm not just saying that. I need to for my own sanity. I want to begin by apologizing to everyone for not being the person you all once knew. I am battling a lot of my own demons right now if that's what you want to call internal turmoil. I put up a front that I am this strong, incredibly intelligent warrior who doesn't give up in the face of negative circumstance. I am a human and I do have emotions. I do feel pain and as much as I want to act as though I can get through anything and everything I can't always do that.

I try to stay positive and still am positive and that is why I need to administer some changes in my life that I feel will benefit me for the good. I need to go back to who I once was, but improve on that ten fold. We can't go to our past and we can't relive our past, but we do have to grow from our past. I once enjoyed life. What I mean by this is that I enjoyed the simple things in life. I used to sit outside and do yoga, go on long drives, bake up a storm, and just do things I really enjoyed. I don't do as much in my life that bring me the joy of such simple things that I once did. I have become one of the zombie drones that I often described in my journal, which has been neglected for half a year. I don't write nearly as often as I once did, I hardly read, and I have been uncaring about my health and fitness. I have become somebody I can barely recognize.

Last night when I went to see Resident Evil with my really good friend Bridget (she is the best!) I realized how much I miss doing things I enjoy like seeing scary movies. All I seem to do is work and am so concerned with finances, my family, and my future that I have forgotten to live in the moment. Next weekend I'm going camping with my sister and maybe auditioning for another movie. I really need to get away even if it is only for a day. I just need to be outside and do a lot of thinking about how I want to continue to run my life. I need to do some reevaluating of what is really important to me in my life. I know academics will always be the love of my life and that is what I know is right for me in my life, but if I want to be academic I have to start being more proactive then I have been. I also have to always remember who really cares about me and who really is there for me. I think that I have become so consumed with so many different emotions and as scholarship suggests have been protecting my face and using face threats in order to protect my face. I have been doing this with the people that love me the most and just want the best for me. I suppose I am starting to learn that the people who love me just give me advice because they care about me so much and don't want to see me make fatal mistakes. They want nothing more than my happiness and all I want is to shut down their simple, kind words. How selfish have I been? How g-d awful selfish could I allow myself to get?

Today I felt the need to vent to somebody, anybody. My victim unfortunately is extremely intelligent and often disagrees with most of what I have to say, but I actually enjoy that as cynical as it may seem. It allows me to take a step back and look at a different perspective on what I'm trying to attempt to make sense of myself. I have been on about ignorance. I suppose it stems from Johnny inquiring why people are so ignorant about Jewish people. My new found attempt to understand ignorance got me twisted and coming to the conclusion that ignorance stems from us being so ingrained in our little worlds and our inability to step outside of this world we've built up for ourselves. We don't understand others and are ignorant because we do not put forth effort to understand them. We don't want to listen to them or receive information because we've already shut down their beliefs and who they are in our minds. We have this preconceived idea of who they are before we even attempt to get to know the person they are inside. We've stereotyped and judged this is what makes me perhaps the most amused. We all often say that we do not judge others, but that is the biggest lie and joke. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a huge ignorant, judgmental person. Sure I accept  and love gay people, am tolerant of most religions, will not judge you based on your political ideologies (because I'm somewhat central on those), but I will call another girl promiscuous  because she is wearing something I deem to be immodest. Why do I judge her? I don't believe in that and I dislike girls who are like that, but how do I know she's not a nice girl? Why do I refuse to go into hooters those are girls who are trying to work heck some of them are going to college just like me... Trying to make it. I throw boxes for a living so who am I to judge someone trying to make an honest living? Do we all have the equal opportunities to be educated and to step outside of this little bubble of ignorance we have grown into? Perhaps we don't, but I have all the opportunity in the world to do so yet I don't.

I constantly go against what I preach and hardly ever practice it. I say one thing and then do another. I allow myself to be disrespected and walked all over, because I have this fear about being unhappy. I have defined for myself what true happiness is, but my definition is above and beyond all normal expectations. Nobody is going to make you happy. Everybody will disappoint you in life your family, friends, significant others everybody. People are selfish beings and in the end they want what is best for themselves. If you rely on others for your happiness you will never be happy. You will always be disappointed. The only person who can bring you joy is yourself. You have to do what you love and not think of other people constantly. You can't neglect things in life to make time for others always. Sometimes you do have to be selfish, but that's not always a bad thing. As long as that aspect of your persona does not consume you it's okay to do something for you now and again. I've realized how much I rely on others and how little I put into myself. I suppose that is the realization I have come to from all of this venting to random friends (who I am so grateful put up with this mind of mine). So I'm doing things for me now. I'm saving everything I can to accomplish my dream of going to a PhD program that I love and the one I am smitten with is Purdue. I want to wear black and gold and be an Oiler (though oil is the epitome of evil). If I get in there no questions asked I am going. It's close enough to home if anything should happen or if my parents and family should need me I can be there and it is in the Midwest which is where my heart belongs for now. I am going to enjoy this fall despite my busy schedule. I am determined to go apple picking, go to the pumpkin patch, carve pumpkins, decorate, go on some bike rides, and bake up a storm making fresh apple pies and pumpkin pies from scratch for the people that I love. I am going to write all I can and dive into books and scholarship at least an hour a day. I am going to sit in my little cubicle in the library and ready lame home maker magazines while breaking from my research. I am going to do sweet nice things for my parents, my boyfriend, and my friends. I am going go see all the movies I want even if I have to drag my friends to the movies. I am going to enjoy being alive and stop taking being alive for granted and stop taking for granted the people in my life. I am back world you better watch out :] I'm more powerful and ready than ever to take on anything life has to throw at me. Resident Evil was only the beginning! Can't wait for this week and to surround myself with joy.

<3 Always with all smiles,
Alexis Zoe