This Time I'll Be Bulletproof

I have been feeling extremely inspired as of lately and this inspiration has put me back to a positive and beautiful place. Though I am human and can get quite emotional I have been dealing with my own emotions much more effectively allowing me to help others the way that I have always enjoyed. There are so many people in this world who are suffering and struggling with issues and feel that they are alone. Words can not describe how wonderful it is to feel like you have someone, anyone who cares about your well being and who understands you. Often just having someone to talk with about problems can help put a new perspective on the issue and can even resolve the issue. We are so self absorbed and interested in our own well beings that we forget the well being of others that surround us. I have gone through a number of issues in my own life that I feel I have learned from and grown from. I came out fighting and want to know that others in the same situations that I was in can as well.

I just enjoy letting the world know that they do not have to fear things alone and that I am always a shoulder to lean on. It makes me happy knowing that I can cause someone else to be happy or at least let some of their issues out to me. Tomorrow my family and I are going to Galena for memorial day and I can not even begin to describe my excitement and happiness. Galena is my favorite place in Illinois. The hills are breathtaking and the little quaint town is nothing short of adorable. I'm extremely excited to just spend time with my family and enjoy a BBQ with people who my parents know pretty well. It's always nice to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I suppose that is why I love living in Illinois we are one of the largest cities surrounded by loads of country and cornfields. I can not wait for this summer because my dad spoke of going camping and fishing and I can hardly wait for that. I love the Earth and how beautiful the world is.

I have realized lately that there is so much passion wound up inside of me for life and I just want to let it all out. I know that I am not perfect, and I don't anticipate to be but I want to do all I can. Sometimes I can be quite difficult to deal with and I do believe that my past will follow me around, but I will not let it define me. I will not let myself be mean and angry at people and attempt to start fights in order to push people away. I will embrace those in my life and show them how grateful I am. I will enjoy the world and moments just as I always have. I'm so excited to be helping others again and just enjoying precious time with those I love the most. Happy Memorial Day Weekend. Please pray for those who have fought and lost their lives at war and who continue to fight for our country. They are heroes and they deserve every praise in the world.

Always,
Alexis Zoe

New Day

I find it incredible how emotional I tend to get some days. Today is one of those days, but the emotions aren't necessarily bad ones. They are just conflicting ones that both my heart and mind are struggling with. My life has been pretty clearly defined for some time now, but currently I'm unsure of exactly what I want out of my life. I know I want to make something big of myself. I know I want to help people and how I want to help people isn't exactly clear and decided yet. I just know that g-d has some big plans for me. I had an experience the other day when on my way to grab coffee with my dad that I can't even begin to describe. I was sitting in the car enjoying the warmth and the slight breeze that Chicago air never fails to supply us with when I looked into the sky. For a moment I felt something so beautiful inside of me and I really felt like my prayers the night before were heard. The conversation that ensued after as you can imagine were quite the spectacle. Some tattooed male (whom you would not anticipate to see at Starbucks) was really listening to what I was saying. My dad was making fun of me as always when I explained my plans to do nearly every thing I could in my life. The tattooed male chuckled a bit at my father, but seemed extremely hooked on what I was saying. After he came up to me and smiled and said "good luck with what you want to do in your life."

I'm not sure if he was being sarcastic, but the smile hinted that he was being serious. I know deep inside me that I have a way with my words if you get to know me on a deep level. I do put up a wall, because I'm not entirely sure how people will react to me. Do I blame my parents for being so sheltered all my life? No, because my brother is certainly not afraid what people think of him. Do I blame the kids who teased me in life? No, because everybody gets teased at some point in their life. Do I blame myself? Yes, because I stay trapped in that scared little girl. Can I overcome this? Yes, I have been and I continue to do the best that I can to be everything that I can. When I looked at that sky it seemed to fascinate me much more than my father which makes me believe that g-d was trying to tell me something specifically. That he was listening and that I was doing the right thing. I want to be everything that I can be, but I have come to the realization that I am human and at some point I have to decide. That it is an impossibility to do everything that I want.

I came to this conclusion yesterday while running. By 2.5 miles I felt exhausted as I should. I hadn't worked out in nearly two weeks and was just beginning to feel less ill. I pushed myself to run 4.5 miles and today my leg hurts. I worked out three days in a row doing extreme workouts. I have never been satisfied with my body and felt that I'd never keep a boy because of my bodily appearance. Yesterday I realized that it wasn't my body that was the issue at all. It was my own way of exposing my insecurities that was the issue and that I need to learn to be comfortable with myself and make healthy decisions for myself. I allow others to guide my experience in life so much, that I often don't listen to what Alexis says. I worry so much about others conception of me that I allow them to control me. Why shouldn't I be happy with my body? I'm not a twig, but I need to be comfortable with that and know that I do workout and that I do maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I wish I could save the world. That sounds so cliche, but it is an actual feeling I have in my heart and soul. I wish that I could protect everybody from pain and suffering. It makes me sick when I see all the hurting that people go through. I can feel their pain and I want to not let them suffer with it alone, but there is only so much somebody can do for another individual. If anyone is reading this please know that you are not alone and that in every bad situation you go through you have to look for a purpose behind it. You have to learn and grow from it and if anyone ever feels they need to just vent I am here. I wish I could cure this world and rid it of all the horrors. I suppose if I did that though we would not have the appreciations that we learn over time for life. *Sigh*

<3
Alexis Zoe

Mind is Everything

"Mind is everything: muscle - pieces of rubber.  All that I am, I am because of my mind."

Running didn't always bring me a sense of peace and freedom in my life. In fact, it used to be something that I detested more than anything else. In High School I was nearly 100lbs heavier and hated any form of exercise except dance. The only reason I enjoyed dance was because I didn't feel like I was exercising. I'm sure I was awful at that as well, but at least I enjoyed myself. Back to running though, I ran a mile in 15+ minutes depending on my mood. My PE teachers would tell my mother that I needed to improve, but that they would not fail me if I ran it again. Running it again made me cry. Let's be honest it is embarrassing and caused more ridiculing. As I grew up I began to lose weight due to stomach issues. When I was recovering and doing a lot better now understanding what was wrong with my stomach I became obsessed with losing weight. I was never thin enough and to this day do not believe I am thin enough. I know that I am slightly overweight and that does bother me. I began to develop unhealthy habits in attempts to lose weight, when I discovered something that ultimately would make me look good. Working out was difficult at first and I still hated how I felt afterwards. I could not imagine how people loved this and woke up extra early just to get their runs in. As I became more fit it began getting easier for me so I began to push myself. There was a point I was running about 8 miles a day. My friends and family were impressed but thought 2-3 hours in the gym everyday was a bit excessive. After two weeks of not being able to workout due to hospital visits I now realize how you really can't let yourself go! I run 2 miles and am pooped, though I am running in 90 degree weather. The quote above really describes how I feel about running. Your body will tell you no this hurts while you're doing the exercise, but your mind can make you go twice as far if you just keep telling your body that it is capable and will feel wonderful afterwards. I am obsessed with working out and I am so glad to have such a "good" habit as a "bad" habit though I do believe that some of my workouts are a bit intensive. The picture is of me in my workout gear! It was quite warm out today!

Aside from running I love riding my bicycle. I have yet to photograph Spidey (yes I named my bike and for those of you who don't like it well.... I don't care!). I didn't get the motivation to ride it today, but I had a nice bicycle ride yesterday. I just love taking in the scenery and feeling Chicago gusts of wind brushing against my face. I fall in love with this city after winter is over. Winter is only beautiful during Christmas time with all the whimsical lights, other than that winter makes the city ugly and shows the amount of pollution that comes with a big city. It seems Chicago has done the opposite last year. Instead of staying cold and rainy for summer it has skipped spring and went straight on for summer. I find it quite humorous to see that nearly everybody's facebook status has something regarding the weather. Most of them are complaining about the heat (because we are so used to snow and negative weather), but I am loving this heat. I swear I was a reptile in another life because I love the sun. Plus quicker summer=quicker fall right! We could only hope. I am determined to find another job before fall so I can enjoy my fall. I will be doing a lot of important things this fall and a lot of traveling. The list thus far is San Fran, Minnesota, Arizona, Iowa, Wisconsin and hopefully a few more states! Oh I love exploring this world :o)


Today wasn't half bad though I got a bit agitated after my doctors office. Part of it was because my doctor explained that my condition may be onset when I get ill from antibiotics. The other part was because I was afraid something bad was going to happen! My doctor made me get an EKG because my medication can cause slowed heart beats, which is not good. I believe I had an EKG and previously and it was normal so I assume I can stay on my medication. I'd be lost without it. I also have to repeat my gastric emptying test, where you eat a nuclear egg and watch it go down the esophagus to the stomach. My doctor wants to make sure my medication is effective and such. The last time I took this test was a year ago and I was unable to keep anything down. They force fed me the egg sandwich, which ultimately led to me hating eggs for a while as one can imagine. I dislike all these tests that they conduct on me and often feel like a lab rat. I'm kind of a mystery and my disorder isn't very well known, but occurs in females my age. They have no official statics on how many individuals are effected though because it gets misdiagnosed as reflect (which happened to me for years). 

I miss being a health nut, I just discovered this. I've let myself go quite a bit since last year. I suppose it was because I started dating somebody who made it impossible to eat healthy! I started eating some fast food and though it agitated me at the start my body became used to it and craved it because of the additives. It is so depressing what the FDA has allowed to be processed and given to consumers. I used to go grocery shopping every week or two at Trader Joe's and only buy organic, good stuff. I felt healthier, looked healthier, and was my thinnest. I really feel like doing that again. There was a part time job at Trader Joes I highly considered just so I'd get discounted groceries and make some extra money, but I hate working at grocery stores. Not only is healthy food so much better for you and with time tastes yummy, but it also looks pretty! How pretty is a cheeseburger I mean seriously? But a fruit salad! The colors practically explode in your face and make you smile. Once I get another job I am determined to buy yummy, good for you foods and shed these last few pounds I've been trying to rid for years!

I hope you all are enjoying this wonderful, warm and sunny day! 


Always and Forever,
Alexis Zoe

The Apprentice.

It must seem like lately I have been fascinated by television, but rest assured that I am not. My mother loves television, her eyes seem glued to it at times. I feel awful that my mother has to watch television alone all the time. It's kind of boring I think and can get lonely (at least it would be for me) so I have taken up watching her favorite shows with her when I am at home. She seems to enjoy this and I enjoy spending the extra time with her. Can't begin to express how wonderful my moments are with her. Anyways, tonight's television line up was The Apprentice. Okay so not much of a line up, but it was a two hour season finale, which is a line up for me considering I rarely watch television for more than thirty minutes to an hour depending on if King Of The Hill is on or Aqua Teen. Tonight's Apprentice was just as inspiring as Grey's Anatomy. Not quite the same emotional heart string pulling two hours, but emotional. As I'm sure most of you know Brett Michaels is a former poison member who suffered a traumatic brain hemorrhage. Someone diagnosed with the type of hemorrhage Brett Michaels suffered from have a 34-50% chance of living two days after attack. Michaels is still here and showed up to The Apprentice to show how committed he was to helping children diagnosed with Diabetes, despite being advised by his doctors not to attend. This commitment and strength that Brett Michaels has should give everyone hope and show people that they should never stop fighting during traumatic experiences. Yes, Michaels is a pretty extreme case, but he inspired me so much more than I already was today. I feel like my mother is just like Brett Michaels. Her prognosis is not too hopeful, but she fights and is making such amazing progress with her treatment.

I do believe that people can create miracles if they believe, have faith, and never give up hope or courage. You really can fight through anything in life even if it seems impossible in the moment. Nothing is really impossible unless you convince yourself it is. I used to run a mile in 15-16 minutes and suffered. I would literally be sick from running. After I lost some weight I was determined to be fit not just because I wanted to look good, but because I wanted to be healthy and do good for my body so it would do good to me. I now can run two miles with ease in about 20 minutes. I can workout 2+ hours without being exhausted and I enjoy the sweat I produce and the progress I make as I work my body harder. I would not be where I am today without training myself and keeping up with my fitness.

I set goals for myself and intend to share with you all a "summer" list of goals. I feel that goals give you something to look forward to accomplishing. Being successful is not about how much money you make, how many cars you have, how big your house is, it is about how good you feel about the way you lived your life. Success comes from within and does not always have to be seen. I feel that thus far I have been fairly successful in my life. Sure there is plenty more I want to accomplish in my life, but I am satisfied with the way things have went thus far. You need to be satisfied with your life in order to be successful and sometimes that means forcing yourself to do things that you know will better you. Time is limitless though it can be quite limiting. What I mean by that is a goal can be accomplished years from when it was first anticipated that doesn't matter. What matters is that you completed the goal and you got it done in the end. That's one more satisfaction you can fulfill in this crazy little thing called life.

So what is it that I want to accomplished this "Summer 2010" as the silly teenage girls call it :o)? Well there is plenty if you view my goals below. They are not in any significant order, they are all just things I would love to be able to check off the list for this summer.
-Take a few nice bike rides along the lake this summer.
-Go fishing countless amounts of times with daddy! (Even potentially go camping).
-Have a BBQ with friends and enjoy the beautiful summer sunset.
-Explore downtown and buy cute little inexpensive trinkets to remember my journeys (like old times)
-Impress my boyfriend's family!
-Make my boyfriend happy =]!
-Do more cutesy things for my boyfriend.
-Go on fun adventures while in Arizona!
-Try some new recipes and cook more! With no school I should have plenty of time!
-Look for another job so that I can make some more money! I'm in desperate needs.
-Complete (or come close to) completing my thesis!
-Finish at least 40 more pages in my novel. (This is the bare minimum come on now!)
-Go to a few Sox Games.
-Explore the Museums.
-Read at least one new good book.
-Go to the Drive In with Daddy or friends.
-Go out with my friends on explorations.
-Watch some movies and have "movie" nights with my blankies!
-Workout at least three times a week or more.
-Try to clean the apartment as much as possible.
-Get darker than Vivian this summer.
-Go for plenty of swims and don't care so much about Jew hair.
-Educate myself on medical fields/careers.
-Get a headstart on school so I won't be so swamped during the year.
-Pick out definite PhD programs and read what each has to offer.
-Learn more about political campaigns and how I can get involved.
-Get involved in some sort of political activities.
-Be more social and less afraid to be who I am around strangers! Networking is the key to success.
-Get back in helping young teens who are suffering from anorexia, bulimia, abuse, and sexual assault.
-Enjoy the great outdoors.
-Take time to pamper myself.
-Learn how to save and invest my money.
-Really push my acting, and get as involved as I can. Stay on top of it all!
-Trust that g-d is pointing me in the correct directions and be proactive about doing the right things.
-Spend time with my mother and father and be sure to give them plenty of love.
-Go on a few long car drives (even if they are alone) to enjoy mother earth and my beautiful midwestern state.
-Get prepared for the GRE and take a look at the MCAT books for fun.
-Enlighten as many people as I can and enjoy others company.
-Try not to say no or get upset over petty things.
-Always let everybody know that you are there for them and be there for them. Let them know you love them and appreciate that you have them in your life.

Okay so the list has more inspirational and motivational information then anything, but I am determined to complete the list as best I can. If I don't succeed in everything this year there is no need to worry for there is always next year's list :o) I really feel blessed for the people I have in my life and so grateful that so many people are so kind to me. It is exceptional how a few kind words can make somebodies day. If only we could do little things for others to let them know we are here and care. Tell people that they are beautiful or have nice style. Let them know when you think that they are doing a good job or are going in the right direction. Let them know that you support them and really do value the time you get to spend with them. If you make your friends and loved ones happier then they will only do their best and feel their best. If they feel their best then they will treat you well. Being nice is a win win situation. Never forget that sometimes our loved ones do fight with us or do disagree with us. This is not because they want to torment us or don't care. It is actually because they care so deeply about us that they are trying to protect us and want us to do the right thing. They get upset around us and take out their frustrations because they feel comfortable with us and we should be happy that they come to us for this so that we can comfort them.

Oh this summer will be wonderful! Only 9 days before I am in Arizona with the love of my life. I can hardly wait. I will do all I can to impress his family! I want them to like me as much as he does. It's extremely important because I know they make him happy and if I can't make them happy too then I will be disappointed!  I just have to have confidence in myself. I know my family will be missing me for 2 weeks and I will miss them as well, but maybe when I come back they will realize how much I do for them and be a tad bit nicer :P

Sincerely Me,
Alexis Zoe

Grey's Anatomy.

So I will start with a disclaimer: I hardly ever watch Grey's Anatomy. I don't really appreciate television as much as some people do. That doesn't mean I entirely hate television I just find pleasures in other things besides the good ol' tube. Tonight I watched Grey's Anatomy with my mother and I am not extremely familiar with the series. I have seen a few episodes with her, but nothing can describe this episode. It really pulled at my heartstrings and I think it is because I have way too much compassion for people. I don't want to give away what happened for those of you who may be fans and were unable to see tonight's episode, but all I have to say is it is a much watched episode. Doesn't matter if you are familiar with the series or not. It really taught and put into perspective the value of human life. The episode opened my eyes to love and made me have a deeper understanding of the concept.

There's the academic in me again. Concept, it isn't a concept it is a deep emotion that I believe exists exclusively between two people. You can love several people, but there are always those who you love so much you would sacrifice everything for them, even your own life. I am so deeply in love right now, something I've never felt before. It's an emotion I honestly doubted and thought I'd never experience and feel it back. I would do anything for my boyfriend and I'm not afraid to say it anymore. The love exists now and I may get hurt in the end, but it will have been worth everything and anything. Why? Because you fight for those you love and you work to do everything right. I know that I am not the easiest to deal with at times and I can't express how appreciative I am for all that he deals with in our relationship. Often I get weird and I have nobody but myself to blame for that. I know that the past has a big impact on who I am, but I understand now that I can't let it control my future. We should live each day as if it is fresh and new. Brush off those mistakes and tell them they aren't welcome back into our lives. Tell ourselves that we recognize these events did exist, but that they do not define our futures. They do not provide a looking glass into the future because each day will be different from the next. I can get emotional and am sometimes unsure or afraid, but I know I don't need to be afraid anymore.

Love is indescribable. I am blessed to have the love that I do, and be able to look at the person and fall even more madly in love. I think that G-d has a way of letting you know who is meant to be your destiny. I really believe in soul mates and believe that love never can die. My mom may be ill, the people in my life that I love will die. I've seen many people that I love pass away, but I feel them with me. They live on in me and their love will never be forgotten. That is what keeps them alive. It does hurt and that is why it is so important to cherish each moment and memory you have with that person. Life isn't perfect, it isn't meant to be. You will have disagreements and issues especially with those you are extremely close to. What is important is that you let them know that they are never taken for granted and that you feel wonderful to have the love of such an amazing individual. Those who love you are there to help you in your weakest moments, they will not judge you for mistakes you may make. They will uplift your spirit and remind you of your purpose. Remind you that you can fight through it and that they will never leave you.

Nobody wants to be alone ever. I used to believe that death is most feared and depressing because that individual has to experience that one thing alone. I don't know if I believe that now. If you are surrounded by love I believe you never have to experience anything alone. That's the beauty of it and that is why it so desired. It may be nice to get a lot of attention and be loved by many, but how genuine is that love? There are only a select few who are going to love you at your worst and accept mistakes that you make. Those are the people you have to hold on. Sometimes it's hard to determine whether someone is that person, but from my experience you just feel it inside. I don't think that you can deny a feeling given to you that is that deep. If you love someone you will find a way no matter what and that is what I'm doing for every person I love in life. I will find a way to show everyone I love that I will always be there and always love them. Cherish your loved ones and never take them for granted. I am the luckiest girl for having such an amazing family and an even more amazing boyfriend.

"People who belong together, stay together, despite major setbacks
and disagreements. They may deal in fault and blame temporarily, but
ultimately they work things out. love conquers all."

Always and Forever,
Alexis Zoe

People always say...

How great of a person I am and how I am such a catch. Which I find interesting, because it seems that I can never hold onto people very long. I'm not just talking relationships (because I'm in a wonderful one currently), but I'm taking about people in general. I don't believe that everyone is meant to stay in our lives sometimes they are there for short periods to teach us something very simple. Others stay forever even if you are hundreds of miles a part. I guess last night and in general I'm starting to learn more and more about who will always be there and who might drift away. Does this make me sad? No, because I know that there is meaning behind their departures. Sure I'll miss people who drift away from me who I can't believe are no longer in my life, but at the same time I will appreciate the time we did have together.

I'm so sick so forgive me if this post seems a little out of wack. I haven't had liquids in nearly three days now and it seems the doctors aren't sure what to do with me. So I sit waiting to hear what I should do. I feel my body crying for something to drink, but my stomach seems to be being stubborn. I really think I will be fine though I'm young and fairly healthy. Sometimes our bodies like to throw curve balls at us or get run down and need some extra help to get better that hoping and resting just can't do. I really hate being like this though I've always felt a burden to my parents. I've been in and out of hospitals for years and I have not had to go to the hospital or see a doctor in nearly a year. I was starting to think my body was 100% normal, just like everybody elses. This is just a reminder that I have to struggle a little more because of my stubborn tummy. I just don't believe that my parents should have to pay so much for my medical bills and I constantly feel awful about how much I cost to raise. I need to find a job when I'm better and start doing whatever I can to help them. They don't deserve the hand they have been dealt they really don't and I want to do everything I can here.

I'm just trying to keep a positive attitude right now. I know that it can be difficult in difficult times, but I'm just trying to smile the sickness away. I'll never forget my gallbladder surgery. I was waking up from being knocked out by their anesthetics and I had this huge grin on my face. The nurse said "wow you woke up smiling. Not many patients do that." I told her that I was just happy to be alive and asked where my family was. When I saw my family I felt blessed to have such wonderful people taking care of me and it made me realize what true care and love really is. My mom is ill now and my dad is struggling himself. I understand that they can not care for me in the same way and I'm almost tempted to just take matters into my own hands to show them that I am old enough and that I am capable of caring for myself. My mom always could not understand why when I was in hospitals I'd always insist on using the restroom myself and getting things myself. I don't like feeling not in control and incapable of anything. I always push myself even when I'm in pain. After surgery I was walking to the bathroom by myself, which was not the wisest since I was advised not to because of the sterestiches.

I just want my parents to not have to worry about their daughter. I should be caring for them not the other way around. They need me I shouldn't need them. I just hope that I miraculously am able to drink and don't have to worry anymore and feel better. That would be the best scenario right now so I'm hoping for that. I'll just keep trying to calm this stubborn stomach! I'm off to try and sip on some more sprite.

Sincerely Me,
Alexis Zoe

The struggle is part of beauty of life.

I have been struggling internally a lot lately and I suppose that is due to my vast amount of thought being restricted to laying in bed and thinking. My last blog discussed in depth who I believe myself to be. I have always longed to make sense of the world and I have made so many attempts that have been feeble. Last night while talking to Johnny I realized what is most important to me and what has always been important to me. It is love. Abdull'l-baha states "What a power is love! It is the most wonderful, the greatest of all living powers. Love gives life to the lifeless. Love lights a flame in the heart that is cold. Love brings hope to the hopeless and gladdens the hearts of the sorrowful. In the world of existence there is indeed no greater power than the power of love. When the heart of man is aglow with the flame of love, he is ready to sacrifice all-even his life."

I truly believe that love is the most powerful and beautiful emotion one can ever receive. It is a gift and though there will be many people that come in and out of your life proclaiming their "love" the person who truly loves you will never leave. Will fight every battle with you and will never judge or question the person that you are. We are all people and all have our own ides of what the world is. No two people have the exact beliefs on life though we may share similar beliefs we still have our own understanding of our own reality. We continuously search for truth and meaning in our lives and rely on those we love to reassure us that we aren't crazy that what we do is significant and makes sense. That is why I feel love is the most important thing to share with another individual. The person I am inside will do whatever is necessary for those I love. The one thing I have learned from love is that you must sacrifice for that person just as the quotation describes, but you can never give up on your internal self. Those that love you will accept you for who you are and what you want out of your life, because ultimately you have to be satisfied with how you lived your life. 


I understand that I often have radical views on some things such as how females are treated. I can not sit back and let myself be a stay at home mom even though that is what I have been taught the entirety of my life. The woman just does not work she is the homegiver and mother. I want to be the mother and I love doing all the little things that come with homegiving, but I want to make something of myself as well. I want to be an independent woman who can help my family financially. I want women to not be afraid to be strong and powerful. This does not make you less of a woman, but shows that you are not afraid to fight for what you believe in. 


Baha'u'llah says that, "The Earth is our country and we are all of its citizens." I really believe this and I guess this is what my recent struggle has been about. I feel as though people become so concentrated on focused on their own beliefs that they don't take the time to understand others. They form little groups and don't take the time to accept others. In virtually every religion, monotheistic that is, we believe that g-d created mankind and wants our happiness. We all believe in this single g-d that put us here, but choose to believe different stories handed to us from a written scripture. If we all believe in this g-d then does that not make us all people? Does that not explain a lot about who we are as human beings? G-d wants us all to be moral and I believe in morality. I believe that the world is forgetting what g-ds intention was for us and that we are letting sin and temptation get the best of us. What I'm trying to get at is that we are all people and that if we really listened to g-d we would accept all people for who they are. We are all g-ds children and should embrace one another and accept that we are different. The differences are what make human beings so unique. You'd be surprised how much you can learn from somebody who isn't exactly on the same page as you.

I am by no means advocating that you change who you are because you think somebody else's beliefs are more correct, because they are not. Nobody's beliefs are more correct than anybody elses. They are their own and you may find something that you never looked at before that you want to incorporate in your life, or you may just become more firm in understanding why you believe what you do. Whatever the case you must take into account that people are going to see things differently then you, but that doesn't make them less of a human being. I believe that I have something unique and beautiful about me. Something that not many people posses and that is the ability to empathizes with others. I attempt to understand the other individual and attempt to give them some guidance without making them feel as though they should feel bad about who they are. I want everybody to know how beautiful they are because they are themselves. I really believe that we are all people and that we should embrace the people in this world. Life and the world is too cruel for hatred or excessive misunderstanding. We need to accept all and learn to forgive. The Amish believe in forgiveness and believe that no matter how terrible people are there is good somewhere in their heart. They believe in family, unity, and acceptance in g-d's path. We need to learn to forgive and not harvest hatred for others, because it will only cause our own pain or demise. 


What does not kill us only makes us stronger, I really believe that. I have been knocked down a lot and had a lot of bad news, but it has transformed me into the strong and beautiful person that I am. I embrace all the pain, struggle, and challenges because it lets me see life in a different light and appreciate that which I do have. It allows me to understand myself and be able to help others who feel lost and are dealing with the same type of situations. I grow and continue to grow and I thank everyone in my life who has been there along all my bumps. Life is what you make it. You can live it and just get by and not appreciate that which you have. You can be negative and harbor hatred inside. Or you can smile and fight back show the world that you can do it. Live life freely and believe in humankind. You can live life to the fullest and enjoy each moment even the bad, because the bad allow you to appreciate the good that much more. 


I just felt like an inspirational rant today :). Finally leaving the house after 5 or 6 days of being bedridden! It is a beautiful day outside as well. I almost forgot how nice the trees smell and how blue the sky can be. I also can't wait to be in Arizona with the person who makes me feel the most loved. Love can hurt, but will be worth it in the end never forget that. 

Sincerely me,
Alexis Zoe

I'll make everything alright.

All of these things I have done now what have I become and where'd I go wrong? I don't need to hurt just to put you first. I won't tell you lies. I will stand accused with my hand on my heart I'm just trying to say I'm sorry. It's all that I can say. You mean so much and I'd fix all that I've done if I could start again. I'd throw it all away. To the shadows of regrets and you would have the best of me.

Oh darling blog it has been far too long since I've last written. I suppose that is the life of a masters student though. Writing far too much during the semester and forgetting the little guys. I've had a thrilling past few weeks. Completed my first full year of my masters program and am already working on my thesis. I never thought I'd progress so much in a year, but I have and I am proud of myself! I completed my first year with a 4.0 and I can't thank those in my life enough for all of your moral support. I know that I am capable of so many wonderful things and you guys give me that extra push that I need at times.

I think some changes need to be made in my life and I can feel it inside of myself. I think I've been actually dragging myself down and not looking to the lord for such simple answers. I need to stop letting my mind control every thought that runs through it and let g-d show me the way. I think that in the end everybody who has done good in their life will get something good in the end.  Every little hit and knockout that comes your way is just a test from g-d. We are all g-ds children and I believe that there is some good in every person out there no matter how terrible they may seem. I feel like I'm forgetting the beauty g-d once showed me years ago.

A few years ago I was sitting in my backyard sipping on some tea looking at the gorgeous blue sky filled with white, fluffy clouds. The green grass was my chair and I spent a moment just reflecting, thinking, and thanking g-d for every little thing he had blessed me with. A couple more years went by and my mother grew ill, my family lost the house with its luscious backyard, and my brother and I grew distance. I struggled internally wanting to understand why our wonderful life had gone rock bottom. I to this day struggle and often let my aggressions out on those I love, but then I remembered that day of me sitting in my backyard, serene, and sipping on tea. I was so happy, untouchable, sure of myself, and passionate about life. I acknowledge the fact that I am passionate about what I do and that I am happy with who I am, but I feel like some of that passion for life went away.

I believe that we have the ability to change things in our lives for the better, for what we truly desire. I know what my heart desires and I think it's been fogged for a while now. I want more than anything to be that person that I knew so well. I want to show the world how passionate I am about living, because I am. I cherish my family no matter how far apart we may grow, because they are my family. I know that in any terrible situation they will be there for me and that they want nothing but my happiness. It's hard to watch people you love have hostilities towards you, but I need to realize that these are simply ways to release some stress. There is a tremendous amount of stress that surrounds my family and if they need me to take it out on that's the least I can do. I need to be there for them just as they have my entire life.

I guess I've taken advantage of the people that love me the most while stuck in this hazy fog, but I am breaking through and the skies are becoming clear now.. Just as they were years ago in my backyard. I'm determined to do the things that make me the most happy and make the people in my life extremely happy. They deserve that this includes my boyfriend, brother, parents, and friends. They all want the best for me and they all love and care deeply for me and I have been nothing but difficult to deal with. I have to accept the life I do have because it could be a lot worse. I'm afraid for a lot of things, but I can not let myself live in fear. I used to go on bike rides through the forest, go downtown on adventures around the city and purchase cheap silly things to remind me of my day, I'd drive out to the middle of nowhere and get lost with friends just for laughs and memories, and spend time doing nothing but reading, writing, and sharing time with those I love most.

I miss myself and I seem to have allowed my past to construct my future. The future can not be predetermined I don't care how much anyone tells you that. I think that g-d has a few paths for us and he presents them to us. We ultimately decide what is right in our lives or not. We construct our lives and do what we feel is right in the moment and must live with the consequences later. I've made a lot of mistakes, but that just means that I need to grow from them and not allow the past to construct the future. We must live in the moment and if we make a few mistakes a long the way that is okay, because in the end we will learn from them and grow.

In order to give everyone an idea of who I am, because I understand I can be quite complex, I am constructing a brief synopsis (Yes I know this sounds so formal, but it's going to come from the heart). Alexis Zoe is a girl who is from Chicago. I adore the city, but often feel that there is something missing and have the desire to be somewhere else. I love my family and would do anything for them, but despite this I still have a strong desire to leave and go somewhere completely brand new. I have always been an old soul. By old soul I mean to say that I have high morality and can't comprehend how people in this day and age act. I don't need a drink to be happy or have fun I just need good company. I want somebody to love me for more than just my body I want it to be emotional. I want to feel a connection without having to actually connect, because I believe that sex is special and should be shared in a marriage. Happiness is important to me, not so much my own, but others happiness. When other people are happy I feel satisfied and love helping others. I feel no one in life should have to deal with any situation alone and am always willing to listen and attempt to help the best I can. I love to go out and live and feel free. I love the open road and traveling, because I like being introduced to new places, foods, and people. You can learn so much more about yourself by meeting new people and seeing things you've never seen before. I try to stay open minded because you never know when something you learn or see may alter your own beliefs or fit you more correctly then what you thought originally did. Writing, reading, acting are all part of my creative being. I feel free and in control when I am doing these things and am able to show bits and pieces of myself that I may not disclose otherwise. I seem outgoing and I can be, but I often am shy. I'm modest and I don't take compliments well. I love compliments, but I often am not sure what to say and am overly grateful. I treasure every moment and memory that I make with those love and try to be the best person I can be for them. I feel like I ruin a lot of my relationships because I become afraid and push people away, but if you give me a chance I am the most loving girlfriend ever. I like cutesy stuff like sitting under the stars, holding hands, taking cheesy pictures, writing love letters, and watching the sunset. I do like long walks on the beach and I love mountains. Fishing with my father are some of the most splendid times even though I can only catch tiny little fish. I love the outdoors and embrace mother nature. I feel like most people forget how beautiful the world is and let it just pass by. The best advice anyone gave me was to slow down, and when you slow down you can enjoy each mile traveled, each second lived. Life is precious to me and I am sad when I see people suffering. I wish I could find a way to cure anyone and I often donate money to homeless or a good cause because I don't think anyone deserves such a hard life. It makes me sad to think people just throw away human life for being irresponsible. Don't they know there are people in the world who would do anything to have a child? I love children because they are pure and don't see the horrors of life yet. They are happy and curious and when we grow up we lose that imagination, curiosity, and purity. I like to believe that I still have that imagination and curiosity. I want to do right in the world and often struggle with my morals in this day and age. People just seem to have forgotten what morality means and what family means. I like structure, but don't think you should run your life completely on schedule. Things come up and sometimes being spontaneous can surprise you and be healthy. I love to run and ride my bike because I feel at peace and free. Hearing my heartbeat, feeling sweat on my body, and caring for my body makes my body happy and best of all my mind happy. I think everyone needs hugs and love because the world is full of too much hatred and unhappiness! I get jealous sometimes, but that's only because I really like those I get jealous of. Sometimes I have questions that are so complex they don't really make sense and I often struggle to make sense of them. I think that thinking and wanting to learn is beautiful, because the mind is so powerful. I don't believe intelligence, power, and money should measure how much of an asset somebody is to society. I think if you are passionate and satisfied with what you have accomplished you are the most successful and biggest asset to society.  I love life :)

Okay so that wasn't so brief, but I felt the need to let it out. That is who I am and so much more and I try to hide myself behind this wall. I'm breaking down the wall and letting Alexis Zoe out fierce!

PS. Arizona is almost only 2 weeks away. I have already packed half of what I want to bring! Oh I'm excited :)

<3always,
Lexy

The Box

As many of you know I am an addict of anything that is remotely in the genre of horror. I am not sure if it is that human curiosity of the unknown that intrigues me to horror so much, but I am completely addicted. I have been aching to see the new Nightmare On Elm street film (seeing as Freddy Kruger is my favorite horror killer), but alas I have not yet seen it. Since I was unable to go yet again tonight, I decided to watch a new horror film my dad picked up for me. It was entitled The Box. I had wanted to see it while it was in theaters, but did not have anyone remotely interested in seeing it. These horror movies seem to be moving towards a new direction. Instead of a bunch of young teens getting slaughtered after sexing and doing drugs there are emotional love stories behind them. This story not only had a touching romantic side to it, but exposed how valuable having people in your life is over material positions.

I don't want to be perceived as a cry baby, but the end of this film actually made me cry because of the beautiful message it sent out. I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone so I will just say that the ending really put in perceptive how important the people in my life are and how you should never take those in your life for granted. No sum of money could ever be placed on having your family well and healthy. Happiness can not be bought. I have never been so happy in my entire life and I can honestly make this statement without a single question in my mind. Though I fear the worst at times and attempt to make sense of why people actually do care I appreciate each person in my life.

There has never been a period or time in my life that I have resented being with my parents. The company of my parents is indescribable. I don't think I have ever had such a deep connection with anyone or shared so many inside jokes. They make me happy and never leave my side. The love of a parent is something that can never be replaced or be compared to. I was lucky enough to be blessed with two wonderful parents and I know I seem to be redundant when stating this, but I know there are people who are not as lucky as I am out there. I feel for them and wish that everybody could have parents who care so deeply about them as mine do. My mother was absolutely adorable in Target today. She rarely gets out because of her illness and I often have to force her out into the world. My father, mother, and I went out for some good ol' Chipotle (which I found quite challenging to finish in one city! Oh joy for small appetites.) My daddy wasn't so happy about eating Chipotle, but it made my mom delighted so he took one for the team. My mother and I got so excited shopping together that we spent way too much money. I'm pretty sure we bought out Target. She was so excited to be out and thanked me and she has no idea that it was in fact my pleasure to be out with her. I would probably be dead if it weren't for her. While I was in the hospital I had an allergic reaction to a drug they were giving me that almost killed me. Had she not been there every waking moment I would not have been able to call for the nurse and would have died. She is truly my bff and I can honestly say she is the most fun and amazing bff ever!

When we went back to the car my dad was sitting sleeping and he looked adorable as well! I love my dad and I can't believe what a wonderful guy he is. He enjoys to tease me and test me, which isn't always fun, but he is always there for me to rant. He puts up with my complaining and yelling when I am stressed or frustrated. He lets me cry on him when I feel helpless and alone. He and I enjoy the simple things in life like fishing, taking long car drives, talking about life, and having our weekly coffee dates. I believe that I have a man who is as good as him if not better. I really love my boyfriend now and I rarely enjoy disclosing that emotion on a blog. Once a blog is written it is permanent. Yes, I could delete the entry, but I don't believe in deleting parts of my life. Experiences are what create the individual you become and though some may be bad they have to be went through.

If I had not went through them I would not be the same and I feel as though I may not appreciate things to the degree that I did. This movie reminded me of who I am inside and how money gets in the way of humanity. They forget the basic, simple, beautiful things in life such as spending time with those that you love. I could never put a price on my parents or brother. Johnny is priceless and every moment I have with him I cherish. Yes he is 1,733 miles away and it is difficult to be away from someone you love so much, but anything worth something is worth fighting for. Anything in life that is beautiful is a struggle. If it were not a struggle it would lose some of it's beauty for a struggle brings a heightened appreciation for something. I struggled my entire life and will continue to struggle, but any sort of pain or struggle I go through enables me to help people in those very same situations. Nobody should ever have to deal with anything in life alone. Being alone is perhaps the worst position to be in when faced with something tragic and I am determined to help as many people as I can.

I guess I have a highly sensitive persona that causes me to want to help even if I am fighting battles within myself. I just believe that you can learn so much from others and that they have the capacity to learn from you. The lesson I want to teach tonight is to never put a price on the people you love. You may encounter a moment that presents itself for high volumes of money at the expense of someone you love. Money can never buy back that love or make things better. It has the capability to destroy, but never let it control or destroy you. Work hard for what you want in life and always put family and those you love first. You never know when they will be gone.

I love you Mommy, Daddy, Nicky, and Johnny. I love all of my friends for every little thing you have done for me through all of these years. I am blessed and no matter how difficult life gets or how many fast balls it throws at me I know that I will always have these people even if they aren't always here physically. They are forever embedded in my heart and no one can ever take them from me. <3 Oy so emotional. I think three AM is trying to tell me something. Tomorrow I will write my heart out, get applications out there, workout, get a coffee with my daddy, spend some time with my momma, possibly see Nightmare with my brother, talk to the love of my life (Johnny), and be grateful for every second I am alive and spending time with people I cherish the most. Goodnight lovely world.

<3 Always and Forever,
Alexis Zoe The girl who's heart is filled with too much love.