There is such thing as too caring.

I find so much inspiration from people that I have in my life. Yesterday my Father and Vivian really put a lot in perspective for me. In these conversations I realized that I in fact am guilty of caring too much. Now I want to differentiate having care for someone from caring too much. I care about my family, friends, boyfriend, etc... What makes caring for someone different from caring too much is that it goes beyond relational care. That is, I care too much about occurrences, events, and experiences in life. I need to just live and live not for others, but myself. I always found happiness from making others happy, but I have to do what makes me happy and not bank on making other people being happy to make myself happy. I am an independent woman and I work my butt off. I have every right to be proud of myself and I don't really care how overzealous and conceited that sounds. Vivian told me that she looked up to me for all that I do and the fact that I am younger than her doing this. I never really thought I was something to look up to. I'm just me and I find that everyone is special in their own way, but I do work extremely hard. I'm constantly being put down by certain people in my life and I feel as though I don't do enough and I don't satisfy others, but it shouldn't be about satisfying someone else. Me working and doing what I want should be about satisfying myself. Life should be about doing things for yourself and if you can experience things with others well then that's even better, but life should not be lived for others.

I'm starting to realize that I preach being understanding and I am not as understanding as I preach. I claim that I'm a perfect communicator, but I'm not. I'm not perfect and I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've treated people irrationally and I have acted like a frightened chicken who's head is about to be cut off. As graphic as that description is, it's the truth. My father told me that I care too much. I'm so worried about the future, how people feel, what I'm doing next, how I'll get through the week, but I need to just focus on being happy and living. I need to live in the moment and not care so much about silly petty things. Honestly, I feel as though I destroy a lot of my own relationships and friendships because I act like a worried mother. I'm so concerned about their well being, where they are, what they are doing, but I don't take time to just listen to their stories and understand issues going on in their lives. Life is too short to be the worried mother, besides someday I will have my own kids and play the worried mother to them I shouldn't be worried now. I need to live for the moment and sweat the small stuff so much.

I really love my jobs, both of them. Sure one is physically demanding and the other can be stressful at time, but the stress kind of makes me appreciate the breather moments I have like today. I admire my relationships and such a lot more when I'm able to listen to the person and not attempt to give them advice that isn't fit for them. When I was listening to Vivian yesterday and my Father I just kind of listened for once. I didn't interject with some profound logic that came to my head. I didn't attempt to lecture them on some scholarly work I read that could relate to their situation, instead I agreed with them. I really did agree with them, because I could feel that they were happy. Life can be conflicting, and a lot of times we are uncertain about things. We just have to live to learn we can't predict the future. We can't dictate to someone what they should or should not do. The best thing we can do is to just be there for someone and listen to them. Encourage the good and don't say too much about the bad.

I desire more than anything to go back to living for myself. The first thing I'm going to do to do such things is buy myself the TV I have been wanting to get for a while with my hard earned money. This won't be for a few months until I save some money and am sure I have the funds, but I deserve a gift to myself for all of my hard work. I know it sounds selfish, but it would make me happy. I also want to go out more and enjoy life. I know it's hard to do so with my crazy work schedule and life in general, but I think it's important to get back in that car of mine and drive like I used to. It's important for me to just live and be spontaneous. I sit in my room alone most nights and just kind of mope around. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but being at home constantly leads me to this worry and caring. I know if I went out and just did things I used to love doing I'd be a lot happier and probably a more productive person. Nobody is holding me back but myself. I have been doing these things to me and if I really loved myself I would not continue down the path I am. I suppose the lord has spoken to me and told me what things I must work on improving.

We are all human and we all make mistakes. We have to constantly reform ourselves, but we must not cater to others desires. I am happy with who I am and will not settle for less than I deserve in life. I am going to treat myself and live my life the way that I want to. Fall could not come any sooner, because I am certain that is the time to better myself. I am going to go pick apples and I am going to bake. I am going to dress cute to go to my other job and class (even if I look like death from my physical labor job) and I am going to fish. I'm not going to limit myself anymore and I am not going to expect so much. The less expectations we have the less disappointed we become. I am prepared to be a more understanding person and to stop caring so much about everything. Life is a beautiful thing and I feel this positive energy just flowing over me. I feel like I came out of some crazy coma that I've been stuck in and now I can see the light. I am blessed and life couldn't be anymore beautiful :]. I am lucky to have the relationship I do with the lord and the people he has blessed me with. I finally found answers and I am so grateful!

<3
Alexis Zoe

Workers Song.

I can actually relate to some of the Street Dog's songs now, because I can be deemed working class. I'm not sure how long I will last in my new job, but I made it the first week and I don't think I'll be leaving any time soon. It's so interesting working in that type of environment, because I am a minority being female and it really tests my physical being. I can honestly say I'm not too sore, but I am covered in bruises. It kind of makes me appear as though I'm some sort of heroin addict, which I hope strangers don't think when they initially meet me! Working where I am has taught me a lot about myself and has shown me how capable I am. I respect my dad a lot more for all of the hard work he's done his entire life for his family. I now see how much he had to struggle to make our lives good. I hope that someday I can provide the same thing to my children and hopefully whoever I chose to marry as well.

While throwing boxes today I realized something about myself. I try really hard at virtually everything I do. I was power throwing those boxes and when I felt pain anywhere it just made me push harder. I'm certain I've lost weight, because I've been incapable of eating much due to the schedule I'm living off of and when I do I'm not very hungry. I suppose that's due to physical exhaustion, but hopefully soon I'll get on a more normal eating agenda. Aside from eating and working to my full potential, I also realized that I have been sweating the small stuff way too often. I need to really think about what is good for me and not be afraid of the future so much. I came to the actualization that overthinking and thinking too far into the future actually limits you more than it helps. I always felt as though if I planned everything years in advance I'd be more prepared for the future, but that hasn't proven to be true. In fact, most of my plans seem to deteriorate at some point or another. People are going to walk into your life and walk out. You may not end up at the school you dreamed you would. People you never feared you'd lose might be lost. Life throws us all kinds of curve balls that we will never be able to see coming no matter how prepared we are or how much we practice. That's not a bad thing though, because it makes life exciting. It gives us a reason to live. Being unsure about the future is the most beautiful gift we can be blessed with. Sometimes we get places that are unexpected, but are so rewarding. They come as a pleasant surprise to us. I don't know what this life has in store for me, but I can be certain of one thing everything will be okay.

I know that I have tried my hardest at everything I've done in life. I have tried to treat people well and I have my moments, but for the most part I really do try to make others happy. I feel like life is what we make of it. People always limit themselves and tell themselves they are incapable of so many things that they are so capable of. Sometimes there are things we just aren't that good at. Sometimes we have to give something up because it is too hard for us, but this does not make us failures. It only brings us closer to what we are meant to do in life and to reach our full potential. Tonight really taught me how self sufficient I can be and I love the people that I work with. I'm awfully tired now and plan on going to say goodbye to my friend Janelle (who I love and have known since I was a wee little one!), and get my fingerprints for my job. Until later or some other time. Have a wonderful weekend darlings :]

<3
Alexis Zoe

August in my Christmas Eve

August is being brutal and not succumbing to any cooler weather. It appears as though summer may actually bleed into September a bit, but it better not impede upon my wonderful fall. About this time every year I get anxious for fall to come. It's as though I am a little child on Christmas Eve anticipating Christmas to come. Fall is my Christmas, it is the time that I feel most alive. It is, as I've described it before, the most beautiful death that exists to date. I believe that this is what real death is like. That it is beautiful and golden and that we go somewhere so much better than we could ever have imagined. I believe that my adorable and wonderful Aunt, my classy and beautiful grandmother, my charming and intelligent grandfather, and all the others I have lost in my life are in this beautiful place right now. They are watching me and constantly looking out for me and the fall reminds me of how beautiful death will be. It makes death seem so much less scary and allows me to cope better.

I am smitten in the Fall. Nothing can get my spirits down because I am surrounded by constant beauty. I actually enjoy the place that I reside now because I have a balcony that looks at the skyline and I have a huge forest right next to me. I'm able to watch the leaves and my gorgeous city combined. The smell of fall is indescribable. Every breath that I take clears my body of all the negative energy it's collected. It's as though I'm in a constant high. I am ecstatic for what this fall brings. Purple is my favorite color and I love that it is a fall color because I am able to paint my nails a deep rich purple color, wear my new purple kicks, and cozy up with lightweight cute jackets. I can't wait for Halloween so I can pig out on candy and watch scary movies with my boyfriend. I know I have to wait nearly 3 months to see him again so that we can be together for Halloween, but it is worth it. I've always been alone during this time and never was able to do all of the festivities with a significant other.

Don't get me wrong I love hanging out with my dad and doing these things, but it would be nice to have someone that I can cuddle and kiss while doing them :]. I have seen him at his happiest, when he is flying. It's so amazing to see someone you love so happy. It's the best feeling in the world! It tops all other feelings known to man. Johnny will be able to see me at my happiest when he comes in the fall. It's something I want him to experience with me. I can't wait to carve pumpkins, decorate my room (which I'll most likely be doing towards the end of this month anyways), apple pick, make home made apple and pumpkin pies, make festive cookies in shapes, wear my dark earthy colors, celebrate Halloween, go to haunted houses, and snuggle up watching horror movies under my warm blankets sipping on hot chocolate. Life doesn't get much better than that and I find that during the fall I also have this slew of inspiration and motivation. I just want to write during the fall. If I could lock myself in a log cabin surrounded by forest I would and I'd probably crank out a million pieces. It's my dream to do that someday! To live in a log cabin when I retire somewhere in the middle of nowhere and just enjoy the wilderness (whatever is left of it). I want to learn how to create my own things (such as knitting which I already taught myself) and fish everyday! How fantastic of a retirement would that be? Yikes see all this fall fervor is creating slight insanity! Well perhaps not, I mean it doesn't hurt to think about the future! You just can't expect too much otherwise all you will end up with is disappointment. Disappointment is not a friend of mine so why bother setting myself up for it!

Love always the pumpkin queen,
Alexis Zoe :]

What if Everything You Believe in Isn't True?

What if the face you see in the mirror isn't you? What if the blood we shed was wasted for a long lost cause? What if you found out you sold your soul at a great loss? What if you woke up from what you thought was an endless dream? What if the world we know was but a pain reflection of whats real? What would you do? What would you do? If there was no tomorrow. What would you do? What would you do? If there was no more time to borrow. What would you do? What would you do? If there was no tomorrow. What would you do? What would it do to you? Would there still be a need to move on?

De/Vision is a band that is not very well known in mainstream music. I'm sure little of you have heard of the band, but I used to love industrial/experimental music because it was so unique. I just love the synthetic sound of it and quite frankly there is so much beauty and meaning behind some of the songs such as this one. I used to really critically analyze life and let's be honest I still do. I'm a critical theorist if you will somebody who is constantly analyzing every situation. My friends discussed with me tonight how very observant I am and said that there is not one person who is quite like me. Another friend whom I feel extremely close with told me that it is rare to find girls like me. It's true I feel as though I am rare. I put myself out there for people and care more about others happiness than my own. I want more than anything to make people happy and I love showing people that I'm thinking of them and that I care. I really feel as though nobody should have to experience life alone.

I have talked to some individuals who really have inspired me lately. I'm not going to disclose who or what for, but they have changed my life and perspective on things and I can not begin to thank them enough. I really believe that life is too short to be unsure of who you are. I know what I want in life and I know where I have to be to get there. I know that someday I will do great things and these things will not be for selfishness. They will be for other people. I want to volunteer and help people and I want to write. I want to learn more and discover things that others have not yet discovered. I am always learning, always growing, and always thinking. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and be the person I am because I am proud of the person I am. I have battled with myself and struggled with things in life so much. People have told me that I am too nice, I let others take advantage of me, and that I am weak. None of the above are true. I may be nice, but there does not exist a state of excessive kindness. We should all aim to be nice to others and show acts of kindness even for those who do not want to receive it. Being kind is a big part of who I am and I will not change that part, because people deem me to be too nice. I do not let others take advantage of me, my kindness is often mistaken for that. I will not tolerate if someone does something so unjustifiably wrong to me or those I love. Will I forgive? The Amish have forgiving someone right. They will forgive even the most hated person, because they believe that the lord will judge them and that if they are not merciful as the lord is then they are not doing as the lord requests.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans12:9-21

The true act of kindness is forgiveness. I will forgive even those who wrong do me, because I am not of authority to judge them. So am I being walked all over? No I am following g-d's will and being kind to even those who commit evil upon me. We all have our weak moments where we become unsure of ourselves, or make mistakes. We are human and we do make mistakes that does not denounce us. We do not become completely wicked people who are forever cursed. We must learn from our mistakes and our weaknesses can only be fixed if we are aware of them. Everyone has their insecurities and weaknesses if we didn't there would be nothing to work on. We would have no purpose to become better people and would live with no real purpose. We would not need to set goals for ourselves or try much because we would already have perfected them for we have no weakness, nothing to hold us back. It is the struggles that we go through who make us who we are and ultimately more strong then those who claim they have no weaknesses, because we can understand situations and conceptualize them a lot more efficiently.

I want more than anything to be loved and I do feel loved by those who have entered my life and I even appreciate those that I have lost. For without each person that has come into my life I would not be existing in the same fashion that I do today. I'm so grateful to be alive and there could be no tomorrow. I could be completely wrong on all of my beliefs. Regardless I must stick to what I feel is right for me and I must never stray from what I want to accomplish in life. I could die tomorrow (heaven forbid). I want to live my life fully and think "if something does happen to me that will end my mortal life do I feel as though I have lived how I wanted to in that short time on Earth and do I feel as though my life was lived to it's fullest." Right now I know that my life has been and I'm excited to see what the future brings. We fear the future, because it is unknown. But the unknown is what encourages us to take risks and without those risks we would only understand the known. By limiting ourselves in that fashion we can never fully internalize this crazy little thing called life.

PS. I LOVE YOU MOMMY! I KNOW YOU ARE MOST LIKELY READING THIS. JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU OF THE TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU! 

PPS These suckas are mine! I'm so excited to finally have ordered them and they were on sale! Can't beat that :] (My quotes and such are in lavender in honor of my shoe. I know I'm silly).

Sincerely Me,
Alexis Zoe

I'm done existing.

My current state in indescribable. It's a mixture between self questioning, in particular questioning my mere existence in this world, and uncertainty of what I exactly want. Many believe that self doubt is the devil reincarnated, but I see self doubt as a way of analyzing your current lifestyle. Obviously if there is something or multiple issues that are causing you to doubt your very existence then there is a dire need for change in order. Most knock self doubt down in an attempt to convince themselves that they are existing correctly and choose to remain ingrained in their little safe lives. Life is not meant to be safely lived for simple existence does not define who we are. We must not be afraid to take risks and make bold moves. Perhaps even more importantly we must always do what we feel is right for ourselves. I do feel in my heart that there are a lot of major decisions that are coming my way and I have lived a fairly existing life. What I mean when I describe an existing life is that I have lived through others. I have been one of the 2/3 that sacrifice a piece of themselves to satisfy the lives of others. I do believe that others will advise you as they see fit and only want the best for you; however, the decisions in your life are ultimately your own.

I'm beginning to realize how alone I really am despite all of those I am surrounded by whom love me deeply. When I attempt to describe how I feel, what I want out of my life, or simple issues that give me this desire to disclose I am often shut down. I will be in the middle of voicing these verbalizations and often be interrupted, the subject will be changed, or what I am saying will be completely knocked down as if my voice does not deserve to be heard. Not one individual in my life isn't guilty of doing this very action to me and it has been quite the disheartening experience. I feel as though my input is never quite up to par or good enough for others. I feel alone because what I have to say is deemed to be too complex. I attempt to explain in the most uncomplex ways and I feel as though what I do have to say is fairly simple. I also feel as though people do not attempt to understand me and are too caught up in their own lives or beliefs. If you truly love someone you will attempt to see things from their side. If you argue it is healthy, but if you completely shut the other person down and don't attempt to make amends then that once loving relationship will eventually deteriorate.

I suppose I have far too much compassion and sympathy for others. I'd much rather take the fault for issues and just silence myself opposed to really voicing what I feel the urgent need to disclose. I suppose that is why academics and writing has always held an extremely special place in my heart. Probably the most special place, because I am able to voice myself without being shut down, interrupted, or having the subject change drastically. It allows me to get out everything I'm experiencing within when nobody else will listen to me and for that I can not thank the lord for blessing me with the capabilities to formulate text and have the gift of written word introduced to me. The beauty of writing is that it is constantly changing there is not a single moment where you will write the exact same thing. This only occurs of course if you do not use the handy copy and paste tools provided to us thanks to technology. I bet if I look back on my old blogs they may be similarly written for we do establish particular writing styles that best suit our personalities, but that none of them will be exactly the same. They will all have qualities that are unique just as each person in this world is unique.

I guess presently I am struggling to know exactly what I want in almost every aspect. This includes the relationships I have in my life, my education, and what I want to feel inside. I am not getting satisfied emotionally and this is a critical thing that must be analyzed and thought about. I'm not going to simply exist and act as though this doesn't bother me. As a person who encourages and believes in self knowledge I am determined to really give my life thought, which is another gift that has been given to us. Most do not think through their lives and really examine their inner thoughts. If you do not know yourself or understand what you are lacking inside and settle for just existing in this safe little world you've created then you will live as a human with no purpose. Your life is given meaning when you introduce thought and live the way you feel you should be.

People have become somewhat disappointing, but I still have hope in them. I feel as though they have lost some of the qualities that were pushed so heavily for almost our entire existence. They have forgotten that family and friends are some of the most precious people you are blessed to have. The masses settle for jobs that will secure them money and often disregard their passions. People put themselves before others and women are the biggest disgrace of all to me. I dislike how women have this thing for taken men and often feel it necessary to personally attack another girl. We claim we hate being brokenhearted more than anything yet we allow other women to feel that same torment. Girls if a guy is taken have some respect for that relationship especially if you know that you may be impeding or potentially harming that relationship. Do not be childish and message utilize your gift of words to insult them, take hints when hints need be taken, and respect others personal lives. One of my best friends who I care for deeply and will always care for asked me not to speak with him anymore because his girlfriend did not like me. There was no real reason for her disliking to me, but I suppose she felt threatened by our friendship. I have not talked to him in over a year, but I am happy for him and do not hold a grudge. Sometimes we have to make tough sacrifices for those we love, but it shows how much we do care. The less we are willing to sacrifice for someone the less we really do care. Obviously we can't sacrifice our everything for another person, but there are some things more easily given up. I do miss confiding in my friend, but I know that he is happy and knowing this makes everything okay. If he ever should need me again I'll be there, because a true friend will be despite all hurdles. I respect him so much more for respecting his woman. It gives me hope and I do believe that I am respected. I would sacrifice a lot for those I love and for my parents, brother, friends, and boyfriend I can honestly say I'd most likely make the ultimate sacrifice, my life if need be. Luckily I highly doubt that it will ever come to that sacrifice, but I would do it willingly because I love all of those people so much.

I am extremely satisfied with the person that I have continued to grow to be. I have my struggles and I question a lot of decisions in life, but if I just sat and let life pass me by then I would not be living. Sometimes I do feel completely alone, but I am grateful to have people in my life. I just want to express how important it is to go past just existing and to actually live. Living is so much more beautiful. Have a spectacular evening/morning my dear friends. I hope your eyes shall find this blog and be somewhat enlightened by words!

Sincerely Me,
Alexis Zoe (The defender of mankind and light of life :]!)
P.S. I absolutely adore my names meaning because I do believe that there is good in everyone. When someone is completely alone I will defend them and attempt to see things their way, because I believe we all were born with good intentions. Life often gets to us and I want people to feel as though they have someone always by their side. My middle name of course means light of life and I feel as though this blog perfectly fits that meaning. I believe that life is wonderful and even when things are absolutely revolting I attempt to see the good and put all that negative energy to good use.

Teary Eyed Surprise.

It as though my body has turned into some sort of water works station that is leaking and the mechanics are having troubles stopping the leaks. The pipes are busting with water that continues to stream down the factory and despite all futile efforts to stop the downpour it continues. I typically am an emotional person who is not afraid to cry or express how I feel. This often causes me more grief, because I don't believe that people like straightforwardness despite their claims of preferring someone who will say it like it is. I've just been experiencing so many emotions lately and though I've been crying they aren't just tears of sadness. Sometimes I'm unsure of the real source of my tears, but they just come from listening to one of my favorite songs. I suppose I just feel alone through a lot of things in my life right now. My thesis is extremely difficult for me to write and I get little done in sittings of hours, because I end up crying through half of it. Recalling memories that were so hard for me to experience is not as simple as I once anticipated and thinking of interviews coming up is making me fear the answers I will receive. If it is this difficult for me to write about I can only imagine how difficult it may be for others to talk about.

I am realizing my own journey of disclosure and how it is a continuous struggle. How do you tell someone that your mother is in stage 4 cancer with them actually understanding how serious it is? How do you act normal? I've been struggling with a lot lately and it's been making me bark at people and cry endlessly. I am all for some tears, but nobody wants to listen to someone cry. Tonight I was watching the Bachelorette and the person that I liked the most was Chris. His mother passed away and you could see how torn apart he was. He was 33 years old (much older than myself) and it still was a struggle for him knowing that his mother would not see him get married or see his children. Chris was someone who I suppose I could deem my type because he is all American looking, but I think what made me even more drawn to him was how shy, withdrawn, and emotionally unstable he was. You could sense his pain and tell that he was struggling to let others into his life partly due to his mothers death. When Ali told him she loved someone else (stupid girl) he thanked her masking his pain. You could sense his hurt, but he tried to stay positive, because that is what society tells us we need to do. To put up a front and not let others see our sadness. I'm tired of that. I agree you should not let something define your life or let sadness overtake you, but as humans we have a right to be sad sometimes.

Life is difficult and I feel as though people who have to experience things such as myself are almost expected to be stronger than we are capable of. I try so hard to be everything, because I want to make my parents (particularly) my mother proud of me, because I realize how limited our time here is. I try to live the best I can and often get disappointed in myself more than anything. I guess I have kept all these emotions bottled up inside for so long because people expect me to be strong. I know that things could be worse off for me, but that doesn't mean I should be perfectly fine all the time. I have become withdrawn and though I have been avoiding being extremely social lately I still feel a desire to just cry to someone. I just want to let out all my sorrows to someone, but I have such trouble even initiating that. It's as though I'm afraid if I open myself up and just cry that person will leave me. I know it's not true and I know I have friends who are willing to listen to me sob all night if I just asked them, but I can't. I don't know what the relevance of this blog is. I suppose my blog and writing has become the format for which I express my inner emotions that I try to bury and hide from society. I don't want to be considered broken or be too much for someone to deal with. I want to be the perfect person to everyone, but sometimes I feel like sobbing. This is the result of dealing with everything on my own.

Time to stop spilling my guts on some blog that not many read. Heck, I don't know if this will even stay here very long, because I'll probably regret posting this in a few days. Night dear blog I'm off to write my heart out and allow my words to be put to use productively.

Sincerely Me,
Alexis