Expression. Pain. Happiness. Fear. Love. Confusion. Bliss.
Words have always been my way of "venting". When I write I feel as though I can express exactly what I would like and that I through writing I will cease to ever be judged. My mother often told me that I wrote beautifully and that this was something I had tremendous skill in. When I wrote I always felt as though it was inadequate, but hearing that I had talent from my biggest critic always encouraged me to press on. This blog has been a way for me to recollect my thoughts through extremely difficult periods of time and other blogging sites have also served this purpose. This blog in turn has become more than just a space for various streams of words and thoughts, but has become close to my heart. I just want to first begin by expressing my deep gratitude towards all of those I have in my life. You all are saint of people and I am truly blessed to have encountered so many wonderful people in my life. Without your love and support I would not be where I am today. I harbor so much love and respect for you and want you to know that I do appreciate you all.
I do not want to state the purpose or what compelled me to write this particular post. I feel as though at this moment it isn't information for the world to know. I just want to share with you what I have learned within the past few years and especially the last few months that I feel need to be said. Life does not come easy for most. The challenge of life constantly reminds us that we are alive and allows us to learn so much about who we are inside. At times, the challenges may seem impossible but what is important is the ability to constantly combat them. We are not fearless creatures so sometimes this battle may seem scary, but just know that in the end you will come out victorious. There is something more beautiful than can ever be imagined beyond all this. The challenges make us appreciate the good that we do have in our lives and remind us of how lucky we have been throughout the years. They remind us that being alive is precious and that this is something we should never take for granted. Waking up and still being here is something that is incredible.
We all struggle or suffer in some way during our lives. Misfortunes come and go to various degrees. Regardless of the degree they are still something we eventually must face. Some experience more than others, but in the end we all understand pain, fear, confusion, anger, and all that comes with negativity. We get through these emotions and we grow into stronger people. Some learn and grow from the negative which has been dealt to them and others fall. I feel as though today I have fallen, but I know that in time I will get back up. I have experienced real heart break. Heart break does not come from some guy who mistreats you or being rejected from something. Real heartbreak is losing someone that you love more than life itself. Real heartbreak causes physical illness. My heart, though broken still wants to love and still is holding on. It is the most painful experience in the entire world, but this pain creates a slew of different emotions aside from the sheer idea of pain. Heartbreak reminds you of what is fundamental to life. It allows you to reevaluate and see how silly little things are and push those things aside to appreciate and put energy to what is actually important elements in life.
In life we often settle for the mundane. We live our lives cowardly hiding behind what society tells us we should be. Instead of cherishing those we love we take them for granted and we forget to take time to count the seconds that we have in our own lives. When something bad happens in our daily routine we take it out on those we love the most. What we fail to remember is that those that love us are precious. I am lucky to have people who love me so unconditionally and to have so many wonderful memories with these people. We can lose a lot in life. Life is full of letdown, hurt, disappointment, and loss but in the end nobody can ever take your memories from you. My memories are the most precious possessions that I have. Thinking about all of the memories I've shared with someone who is the most incredible woman in the entire world has helped ease this new found pain. Instead of focusing on the mundane focus on making memories with those you love and always letting them know that you love them. Love is a beautiful thing and that can never be taken away from you. You can never really lose anything in life if you hold onto all of that love and never let go of what you stand for.
If I had one request for you all it is that you always love and you attempt to not let the little things fill your heart and mind with negative energy. Life is far too short to allow yourself to harbor ill feelings. Never limit yourself and never judge those around you. Remember... Life may be kicking someone in the ass. I'm so lucky to have had someone who loved me more than life itself and to have a select few who love me as much as they do. For that I can not be miserable or sad despite how terrible I feel, because in the end I still am winning. Some do not ever experience what I have and that is what will get me to push forward always. Memories never die.
Love you all,
Alexis Zoe
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
In times of hell. In times of sun.
.... You join with me my precious one. Far stretch of road I found you on we walk together arm in arm. Oh shiny eyes bright as the sun. You were my treasure my dearest one.
Darling Blog,
It has been quite a while since I have given you the proper attention that you deserve, but alas I find myself compelled to write something non academic for a moment. It is 3:30 A.M. in the morning and I am writing to you wide awake. It seems that the 15 hours of sleep I required after being somewhat ill has rendered me wide awake at my normal nocturnal hours. I am writing to you in a state the of disappointment, happiness, excitedness, and more importantly changed. The past week and a half has been one of the most difficult for me. I have debated many options and finally have the weight of the world off of my chest. Though I am extremely happy for my decision I still will very much be spending the rest of my days in Chicago with my mother and feeling pain for leaving her darling face. She is my inspiration in life and her strength has taught me more about life than anything ever could. My mother is my hero. I have been blessed to have met a woman with incredible strength, who has passed over her morality to me. Cancer. I hate you so much Cancer. I have never hated something more than anything in my entire life. My mother is the last person on this Earth who deserves this terrifying disease. It pains me to look at her in the state that she is in. She was always strong and full of life and to see what cancer has done makes me disgusted. Tears have become prevalent part of my life, but that does not mean that I have let sadness consume me. If I love my mother, and truly learned anything from her is that I must fight and always carry on even during times of turmoil. Her battle has taught me to never give up on anything in life and this is why I have chosen to go to Nebraska for my PhD.
For the entirety of my life I knew I was destined to do great things, not just for my own personal benefit but for others as well. Growing up I dealt with a lot of loss and disappointment early on. Losing most of my family to cancer, being cut from plays, and being mistreated by many people. I was the kid people picked on. I was never good enough for anything. My family ceased to exist. I never let any of this bother me. When kids made fun of me I became more determined to do good and make something of myself. When I was cut from a play I practiced twice as hard and made it. I loved the people I did have in my life so much more than I could ever love anyone. I have lived my life with no regrets, because I have always been true to who I am. I know that I have made my parents proud, despite my flaws and imperfections. I know that someday I will do great things for this world even if only small things. I smile always and when faced with difficult situations. Each time I face a trial I know that it will teach me something that I can in turn teach to others. Through this process I can help others understand their situations and feel as though I have this much more deep level of compassion and understanding for others.
I do not require things to make me happy, nor do I require vast amounts of attention. I am happiest when I am able to make others happy. My happiness can be found in the stars, trees, waters, and mountains. When I sit contemplating life to hans zimmer music I feel as though I am alive. My mind has been a place of salvation for me. My relationship with the lord has gotten me through the most difficult moments in life. The outdoors, bicycle rides, memories with great people those are what I cherish and hold a dear place in my heart. I just need prayer in my life right now. I pray for my family, and for my future endeavors. I pray that someday someone will love me and see me for the beautiful person I am both inside and out. I pray for all those in the world who are suffering worse than myself. I pray for the lost, the sinning, and those who need strength. I just wish this world could be happier. If I could outreach my arms and give every person on this world a giant hug and reassurance that they are not alone I would. The world can be a terrifying place. What is important is to always remain strong through it all and to never sacrafice the person that you are. My heart is gold and I can never change that. I often fail to understand why others are not receptive or accepting of my warm heart, but the reality of it is that skepticalism has created walls and barriers between people. Don't always guard yourself, because this limits you from so many possibilities. Don't be afraid to let your heart feel or let obstacles stop you from getting what you really in life. Everything is possible and you are never alone.
With that I leave you with my latest youtube video.
<3
Alexis Zoe
Darling Blog,
It has been quite a while since I have given you the proper attention that you deserve, but alas I find myself compelled to write something non academic for a moment. It is 3:30 A.M. in the morning and I am writing to you wide awake. It seems that the 15 hours of sleep I required after being somewhat ill has rendered me wide awake at my normal nocturnal hours. I am writing to you in a state the of disappointment, happiness, excitedness, and more importantly changed. The past week and a half has been one of the most difficult for me. I have debated many options and finally have the weight of the world off of my chest. Though I am extremely happy for my decision I still will very much be spending the rest of my days in Chicago with my mother and feeling pain for leaving her darling face. She is my inspiration in life and her strength has taught me more about life than anything ever could. My mother is my hero. I have been blessed to have met a woman with incredible strength, who has passed over her morality to me. Cancer. I hate you so much Cancer. I have never hated something more than anything in my entire life. My mother is the last person on this Earth who deserves this terrifying disease. It pains me to look at her in the state that she is in. She was always strong and full of life and to see what cancer has done makes me disgusted. Tears have become prevalent part of my life, but that does not mean that I have let sadness consume me. If I love my mother, and truly learned anything from her is that I must fight and always carry on even during times of turmoil. Her battle has taught me to never give up on anything in life and this is why I have chosen to go to Nebraska for my PhD.
For the entirety of my life I knew I was destined to do great things, not just for my own personal benefit but for others as well. Growing up I dealt with a lot of loss and disappointment early on. Losing most of my family to cancer, being cut from plays, and being mistreated by many people. I was the kid people picked on. I was never good enough for anything. My family ceased to exist. I never let any of this bother me. When kids made fun of me I became more determined to do good and make something of myself. When I was cut from a play I practiced twice as hard and made it. I loved the people I did have in my life so much more than I could ever love anyone. I have lived my life with no regrets, because I have always been true to who I am. I know that I have made my parents proud, despite my flaws and imperfections. I know that someday I will do great things for this world even if only small things. I smile always and when faced with difficult situations. Each time I face a trial I know that it will teach me something that I can in turn teach to others. Through this process I can help others understand their situations and feel as though I have this much more deep level of compassion and understanding for others.
I do not require things to make me happy, nor do I require vast amounts of attention. I am happiest when I am able to make others happy. My happiness can be found in the stars, trees, waters, and mountains. When I sit contemplating life to hans zimmer music I feel as though I am alive. My mind has been a place of salvation for me. My relationship with the lord has gotten me through the most difficult moments in life. The outdoors, bicycle rides, memories with great people those are what I cherish and hold a dear place in my heart. I just need prayer in my life right now. I pray for my family, and for my future endeavors. I pray that someday someone will love me and see me for the beautiful person I am both inside and out. I pray for all those in the world who are suffering worse than myself. I pray for the lost, the sinning, and those who need strength. I just wish this world could be happier. If I could outreach my arms and give every person on this world a giant hug and reassurance that they are not alone I would. The world can be a terrifying place. What is important is to always remain strong through it all and to never sacrafice the person that you are. My heart is gold and I can never change that. I often fail to understand why others are not receptive or accepting of my warm heart, but the reality of it is that skepticalism has created walls and barriers between people. Don't always guard yourself, because this limits you from so many possibilities. Don't be afraid to let your heart feel or let obstacles stop you from getting what you really in life. Everything is possible and you are never alone.
With that I leave you with my latest youtube video.
<3
Alexis Zoe