The title was a quote I found relevant to my current framework of viewing the world. When did I become a fearful person letting fears dictate the very fiber of that which is Alexis Zoe? When did I stop venturing out in the world and doing things that make my heart flutter with happiness and my soul long for more? When did I lose my confidence in the very nature of my being? These questions rush through my mind as I attempt to comprehend why I have become suffocated by fear. Late nights like this lead me to asking myself and questioning why the fear has arrived into my life and how I could possibly stop it. I have created a barrier so large that is holding me back from becoming what I would ultimately like to become. When I look at the wall I have placed in front of my body I see something that looks as though it could not be destroyed by even the heaviest machinery. Deep breaths. I can tackle this fear. I can begin to relive life and rebuild a foundation that was once unshakable. I am the master of my life and I am the only one with power strong enough to destroy this wall I have placed in front of me.
When I stare at my computer screen attempting to do work these late nights I remember the nights I spent all night soaking as much knowledge I could fit into this cranium. The pleasure and passion I had for literature and learning had filled my heart with something so powerful. My confidence in my intelligence these days has wavered. Oh dear what am I saying, my confidence in most everything has shifted about two steps back. When my mom got sick I promised myself I would not change. I would be the strong girl I always was, working, not letting things worry me. I didn't care much about the bad relationships, the working 40+ hours, the hard work in school, and the attempt to still lead a normal young life. I was passionate. I was certain that all of my work and all of the suffering I spent during these years would pay off in the end. I would become a better person. When I think of the re framing of my life after the death of a parent I realize my life has forever shifted in a way that need not be negative.
I'm honestly breaking down writing this. Some nights I wish the tears would cease to come and that the thoughts of my mother would turn into happy ones. I just envision her death in my mind, as if it keeps hitting rewind and replaying in my mind. Yesterday I read something that gave me hope in my future. It gave me hope for helping others that have had to deal with the trauma I have had to face. When women lost a husband after the initial trauma and a few years of recovering from death they found humor in the situation. They began to remember the happy moments, and even complain about things that annoyed them about their husbands while alive laughing together. Instead of being hurt and pained by the loss of their loved ones, they cherished the memories that they had with that person. I look forward to the days that I can cherish my mother, and get these images out of my mind.
I don't want pain and fear to run my life. I want to break free of those chains and grow stronger. I know what I enjoy and what I need to do to make myself happy and I intend on doing just that. I need to do it not just for myself, but for the people I love. I have finally met someone that I feel comfortable with and that I can see a future with. Our future gives me hope in these pleasant memories of my mother, and the opportunity to build new ones that I can cherish. The thought of losing another person I love makes me sick to my stomach, and this fear has completely taken over my life. I have changed and altered, but I don't want to be this way anymore. The fear will cause loss, not help prevent it and I need to begin to accept that idea.
There is happiness after the sadness. There is hope even during the hopeless bleak moments. There is courage after fear. I'm slowly chizzling away at this wall in front of me with the intention of breaking free so that I can be free to do what I want. I want to be a better girlfriend, sister, daughter, and aunt. I want to wash away the sadness and tears that I waste so many precious moments of life allowing to overtake me. I'm ready to live my life again and it may not happen overnight, but I know each day I spend with the love of my life and living my dreams I get closer and closer to achieving it. Growing up quickly has been a blessing in disguise, because I feel as though I am more prepared for life then I would be. I have so much to be happy about and I'm ready to start actually recognizing that and being happy about things. Tomorrow will be a new beginning and I have the control to change this. Good riddance fear, I'm ready to start being Lexy again :D. I'm ready to play games, enjoy my school work, take nice long runs, do arts and crafts, and cherish the moments I'm alive and well. I have my boyfriend, brother, and dad to thank for always supporting me even during my emotional roller coasters.
<3
Alexis Zoe
