On my mind, in my heart held in your hands. Screaming. Break me, oh. Break me, oh.
I've learned that it isn't about the quantity of the words spoken or written, but rather the quality. It isn't always about trying to formulate something profound, but rather us vocabulary that impacts you the most. While listening to City and Colour tonight I realized that one of my favorite songs by them actually has the fewest words. The intense emotional reaction I feel upon listening the song is indescribable. A slew of thoughts races through my mind. I become the most in tune with what my mind and body desire. When I think of what should be said it often requires a lot of content. When I listened to this song I couldn't help but think why must we require so much content to be satisfied? Can't I love you be enough? Isn't telling someone that they will be okay earn enough merit for the other person? We seem to have reached an age where the lack of communication leaves us trifling with uncertainty. Is that all you have to say? Clearly you have something to hide. Well this is what so and so says, therefore you need to be saying such and such. It seems that our society has created patterns of communication behaviors that are deemed to be "appropriate". I've been reading a lot of literature lately on the idea of "dark" communication and how this type of communication can in fact be light.
I can't use the whole "I'm new to Lincoln" excuse anymore to trying to explain how I've changed and grown as a person. I haven't blogged in a while, because lets be honest I have been doubting myself. Tonight, I went back and read the proliferation of blog posts I've made since 2003. It's been quite a journey, but I always come back to this same place. The black hole of self-doubt always seems to drag me back in. As we speak it sucks the life out of me. How do we move past self-doubt in an age where media tells us to doubt ourselves? We are told to doubt our appearances, doubt our interests, and anticipate the worst. While doubting, we are expected to maintain a smile. If I have learned anything throughout the years it's that fake smiles only last for so long. The attempt to convince ourselves of who we are rather than facing who we are is a reoccurring theme of self struggle.
I used the I'm new to Lincoln excuse to explain why I was unable to find friends. "People here.... they just aren't like me." I'd say lying to myself. "Clearly Chicago knows what's up as far as life, and everything!" What I realized through these declarative statements, that the "I'm new to Lincoln" wasn't the real excuse. The real excuse was "I'm unfamiliar, therefore my self doubt controls what I'm led to believe." It doesn't really matter where I am living, or who I claim I have become, self doubt will always be a part of me. The real combative force to overcoming these feelings is understanding what I truly want, rather than trying to appeal to what others want.
Recently, I have noticed a trend in what my friends and other acquaintances have deemed to be "acceptable" behavior in a relationship. I've also noticed others that are important to both Brandon and I have tried to tell us how we should "run" the show for our lives. What I've realized is that this has limited (at least my ability) to combat my own self-doubt. If anything, the many lecturing words have created an even larger black hole with greater force to dragging me down into it. Don't you think it should be at another time? I hate when guys are indifferent and respond sure or okay to everything. If he doesn't express his love how can I know that he actually loves me? When someone cares about you they won't jeopardize your relationship over something like religion.
I've thought long and hard about what my friends, family members, and acquaintances have communicated to be recently, and what I've found is there is a high amount of content required to satisfy our relationships. We need to express every inner thought in order to satisfy. What about the more powerful and subtle hints at love? Do we really need to have deep conversations with every soul we have to have a powerful and meaningful relationship? Why can't we just think about what the other says before we begin to argue. What is perfect to one may not be perfect to another. The disclosure people have shared with me has made me doubt my own relationship, or even what is important to me. I feel a empty pit in my heart based on what people feel is "expected" or "dictates" what a good relationship is. I saw a picture of Brandon and I apple picking for the first time together and our first time at a pumpkin patch together. I saw the happiness glowing through each of our faces. No words could describe the joy I felt simply looking at those pictures and remembering the moments. Some of my best experiences with Brandon has been our quiet ones. The times we just enjoy being with one another and I didn't doubt anything. Even when there was an expression of sure, or okay I felt secure and happy. Being with someone should be enough, it's not about the words that are shared.
We want so desperately to live in these fairy tales that people have created in our minds. We are told our proposals aren't good enough. Our valentine celebrations aren't romantic enough. We aren't good enough friends. Why can't we just trust our hearts and not the expected? My mom wanted me to be who I was, and she believed in my writing. Even now when I doubt my skills I know I must listen to what my heart tells me. I am capable. I do not need to make excuses, because though I am newer to Lincoln that isn't why I have transformed to a more negative lexy state. It is simply, because I have begun to get dragged back down into that self-doubt hole. I am happy in my heart. When my mind over analyzes what I should expect, my heart is ignored. Don't forget what makes your heart happy, and what you believe works for you. Don't let others dictate who you should be and love.
