Teary Eyed Surprise.

It as though my body has turned into some sort of water works station that is leaking and the mechanics are having troubles stopping the leaks. The pipes are busting with water that continues to stream down the factory and despite all futile efforts to stop the downpour it continues. I typically am an emotional person who is not afraid to cry or express how I feel. This often causes me more grief, because I don't believe that people like straightforwardness despite their claims of preferring someone who will say it like it is. I've just been experiencing so many emotions lately and though I've been crying they aren't just tears of sadness. Sometimes I'm unsure of the real source of my tears, but they just come from listening to one of my favorite songs. I suppose I just feel alone through a lot of things in my life right now. My thesis is extremely difficult for me to write and I get little done in sittings of hours, because I end up crying through half of it. Recalling memories that were so hard for me to experience is not as simple as I once anticipated and thinking of interviews coming up is making me fear the answers I will receive. If it is this difficult for me to write about I can only imagine how difficult it may be for others to talk about.

I am realizing my own journey of disclosure and how it is a continuous struggle. How do you tell someone that your mother is in stage 4 cancer with them actually understanding how serious it is? How do you act normal? I've been struggling with a lot lately and it's been making me bark at people and cry endlessly. I am all for some tears, but nobody wants to listen to someone cry. Tonight I was watching the Bachelorette and the person that I liked the most was Chris. His mother passed away and you could see how torn apart he was. He was 33 years old (much older than myself) and it still was a struggle for him knowing that his mother would not see him get married or see his children. Chris was someone who I suppose I could deem my type because he is all American looking, but I think what made me even more drawn to him was how shy, withdrawn, and emotionally unstable he was. You could sense his pain and tell that he was struggling to let others into his life partly due to his mothers death. When Ali told him she loved someone else (stupid girl) he thanked her masking his pain. You could sense his hurt, but he tried to stay positive, because that is what society tells us we need to do. To put up a front and not let others see our sadness. I'm tired of that. I agree you should not let something define your life or let sadness overtake you, but as humans we have a right to be sad sometimes.

Life is difficult and I feel as though people who have to experience things such as myself are almost expected to be stronger than we are capable of. I try so hard to be everything, because I want to make my parents (particularly) my mother proud of me, because I realize how limited our time here is. I try to live the best I can and often get disappointed in myself more than anything. I guess I have kept all these emotions bottled up inside for so long because people expect me to be strong. I know that things could be worse off for me, but that doesn't mean I should be perfectly fine all the time. I have become withdrawn and though I have been avoiding being extremely social lately I still feel a desire to just cry to someone. I just want to let out all my sorrows to someone, but I have such trouble even initiating that. It's as though I'm afraid if I open myself up and just cry that person will leave me. I know it's not true and I know I have friends who are willing to listen to me sob all night if I just asked them, but I can't. I don't know what the relevance of this blog is. I suppose my blog and writing has become the format for which I express my inner emotions that I try to bury and hide from society. I don't want to be considered broken or be too much for someone to deal with. I want to be the perfect person to everyone, but sometimes I feel like sobbing. This is the result of dealing with everything on my own.

Time to stop spilling my guts on some blog that not many read. Heck, I don't know if this will even stay here very long, because I'll probably regret posting this in a few days. Night dear blog I'm off to write my heart out and allow my words to be put to use productively.

Sincerely Me,
Alexis