I'm done existing.

My current state in indescribable. It's a mixture between self questioning, in particular questioning my mere existence in this world, and uncertainty of what I exactly want. Many believe that self doubt is the devil reincarnated, but I see self doubt as a way of analyzing your current lifestyle. Obviously if there is something or multiple issues that are causing you to doubt your very existence then there is a dire need for change in order. Most knock self doubt down in an attempt to convince themselves that they are existing correctly and choose to remain ingrained in their little safe lives. Life is not meant to be safely lived for simple existence does not define who we are. We must not be afraid to take risks and make bold moves. Perhaps even more importantly we must always do what we feel is right for ourselves. I do feel in my heart that there are a lot of major decisions that are coming my way and I have lived a fairly existing life. What I mean when I describe an existing life is that I have lived through others. I have been one of the 2/3 that sacrifice a piece of themselves to satisfy the lives of others. I do believe that others will advise you as they see fit and only want the best for you; however, the decisions in your life are ultimately your own.

I'm beginning to realize how alone I really am despite all of those I am surrounded by whom love me deeply. When I attempt to describe how I feel, what I want out of my life, or simple issues that give me this desire to disclose I am often shut down. I will be in the middle of voicing these verbalizations and often be interrupted, the subject will be changed, or what I am saying will be completely knocked down as if my voice does not deserve to be heard. Not one individual in my life isn't guilty of doing this very action to me and it has been quite the disheartening experience. I feel as though my input is never quite up to par or good enough for others. I feel alone because what I have to say is deemed to be too complex. I attempt to explain in the most uncomplex ways and I feel as though what I do have to say is fairly simple. I also feel as though people do not attempt to understand me and are too caught up in their own lives or beliefs. If you truly love someone you will attempt to see things from their side. If you argue it is healthy, but if you completely shut the other person down and don't attempt to make amends then that once loving relationship will eventually deteriorate.

I suppose I have far too much compassion and sympathy for others. I'd much rather take the fault for issues and just silence myself opposed to really voicing what I feel the urgent need to disclose. I suppose that is why academics and writing has always held an extremely special place in my heart. Probably the most special place, because I am able to voice myself without being shut down, interrupted, or having the subject change drastically. It allows me to get out everything I'm experiencing within when nobody else will listen to me and for that I can not thank the lord for blessing me with the capabilities to formulate text and have the gift of written word introduced to me. The beauty of writing is that it is constantly changing there is not a single moment where you will write the exact same thing. This only occurs of course if you do not use the handy copy and paste tools provided to us thanks to technology. I bet if I look back on my old blogs they may be similarly written for we do establish particular writing styles that best suit our personalities, but that none of them will be exactly the same. They will all have qualities that are unique just as each person in this world is unique.

I guess presently I am struggling to know exactly what I want in almost every aspect. This includes the relationships I have in my life, my education, and what I want to feel inside. I am not getting satisfied emotionally and this is a critical thing that must be analyzed and thought about. I'm not going to simply exist and act as though this doesn't bother me. As a person who encourages and believes in self knowledge I am determined to really give my life thought, which is another gift that has been given to us. Most do not think through their lives and really examine their inner thoughts. If you do not know yourself or understand what you are lacking inside and settle for just existing in this safe little world you've created then you will live as a human with no purpose. Your life is given meaning when you introduce thought and live the way you feel you should be.

People have become somewhat disappointing, but I still have hope in them. I feel as though they have lost some of the qualities that were pushed so heavily for almost our entire existence. They have forgotten that family and friends are some of the most precious people you are blessed to have. The masses settle for jobs that will secure them money and often disregard their passions. People put themselves before others and women are the biggest disgrace of all to me. I dislike how women have this thing for taken men and often feel it necessary to personally attack another girl. We claim we hate being brokenhearted more than anything yet we allow other women to feel that same torment. Girls if a guy is taken have some respect for that relationship especially if you know that you may be impeding or potentially harming that relationship. Do not be childish and message utilize your gift of words to insult them, take hints when hints need be taken, and respect others personal lives. One of my best friends who I care for deeply and will always care for asked me not to speak with him anymore because his girlfriend did not like me. There was no real reason for her disliking to me, but I suppose she felt threatened by our friendship. I have not talked to him in over a year, but I am happy for him and do not hold a grudge. Sometimes we have to make tough sacrifices for those we love, but it shows how much we do care. The less we are willing to sacrifice for someone the less we really do care. Obviously we can't sacrifice our everything for another person, but there are some things more easily given up. I do miss confiding in my friend, but I know that he is happy and knowing this makes everything okay. If he ever should need me again I'll be there, because a true friend will be despite all hurdles. I respect him so much more for respecting his woman. It gives me hope and I do believe that I am respected. I would sacrifice a lot for those I love and for my parents, brother, friends, and boyfriend I can honestly say I'd most likely make the ultimate sacrifice, my life if need be. Luckily I highly doubt that it will ever come to that sacrifice, but I would do it willingly because I love all of those people so much.

I am extremely satisfied with the person that I have continued to grow to be. I have my struggles and I question a lot of decisions in life, but if I just sat and let life pass me by then I would not be living. Sometimes I do feel completely alone, but I am grateful to have people in my life. I just want to express how important it is to go past just existing and to actually live. Living is so much more beautiful. Have a spectacular evening/morning my dear friends. I hope your eyes shall find this blog and be somewhat enlightened by words!

Sincerely Me,
Alexis Zoe (The defender of mankind and light of life :]!)
P.S. I absolutely adore my names meaning because I do believe that there is good in everyone. When someone is completely alone I will defend them and attempt to see things their way, because I believe we all were born with good intentions. Life often gets to us and I want people to feel as though they have someone always by their side. My middle name of course means light of life and I feel as though this blog perfectly fits that meaning. I believe that life is wonderful and even when things are absolutely revolting I attempt to see the good and put all that negative energy to good use.