New Day

I find it incredible how emotional I tend to get some days. Today is one of those days, but the emotions aren't necessarily bad ones. They are just conflicting ones that both my heart and mind are struggling with. My life has been pretty clearly defined for some time now, but currently I'm unsure of exactly what I want out of my life. I know I want to make something big of myself. I know I want to help people and how I want to help people isn't exactly clear and decided yet. I just know that g-d has some big plans for me. I had an experience the other day when on my way to grab coffee with my dad that I can't even begin to describe. I was sitting in the car enjoying the warmth and the slight breeze that Chicago air never fails to supply us with when I looked into the sky. For a moment I felt something so beautiful inside of me and I really felt like my prayers the night before were heard. The conversation that ensued after as you can imagine were quite the spectacle. Some tattooed male (whom you would not anticipate to see at Starbucks) was really listening to what I was saying. My dad was making fun of me as always when I explained my plans to do nearly every thing I could in my life. The tattooed male chuckled a bit at my father, but seemed extremely hooked on what I was saying. After he came up to me and smiled and said "good luck with what you want to do in your life."

I'm not sure if he was being sarcastic, but the smile hinted that he was being serious. I know deep inside me that I have a way with my words if you get to know me on a deep level. I do put up a wall, because I'm not entirely sure how people will react to me. Do I blame my parents for being so sheltered all my life? No, because my brother is certainly not afraid what people think of him. Do I blame the kids who teased me in life? No, because everybody gets teased at some point in their life. Do I blame myself? Yes, because I stay trapped in that scared little girl. Can I overcome this? Yes, I have been and I continue to do the best that I can to be everything that I can. When I looked at that sky it seemed to fascinate me much more than my father which makes me believe that g-d was trying to tell me something specifically. That he was listening and that I was doing the right thing. I want to be everything that I can be, but I have come to the realization that I am human and at some point I have to decide. That it is an impossibility to do everything that I want.

I came to this conclusion yesterday while running. By 2.5 miles I felt exhausted as I should. I hadn't worked out in nearly two weeks and was just beginning to feel less ill. I pushed myself to run 4.5 miles and today my leg hurts. I worked out three days in a row doing extreme workouts. I have never been satisfied with my body and felt that I'd never keep a boy because of my bodily appearance. Yesterday I realized that it wasn't my body that was the issue at all. It was my own way of exposing my insecurities that was the issue and that I need to learn to be comfortable with myself and make healthy decisions for myself. I allow others to guide my experience in life so much, that I often don't listen to what Alexis says. I worry so much about others conception of me that I allow them to control me. Why shouldn't I be happy with my body? I'm not a twig, but I need to be comfortable with that and know that I do workout and that I do maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I wish I could save the world. That sounds so cliche, but it is an actual feeling I have in my heart and soul. I wish that I could protect everybody from pain and suffering. It makes me sick when I see all the hurting that people go through. I can feel their pain and I want to not let them suffer with it alone, but there is only so much somebody can do for another individual. If anyone is reading this please know that you are not alone and that in every bad situation you go through you have to look for a purpose behind it. You have to learn and grow from it and if anyone ever feels they need to just vent I am here. I wish I could cure this world and rid it of all the horrors. I suppose if I did that though we would not have the appreciations that we learn over time for life. *Sigh*

<3
Alexis Zoe