I'll make everything alright.

All of these things I have done now what have I become and where'd I go wrong? I don't need to hurt just to put you first. I won't tell you lies. I will stand accused with my hand on my heart I'm just trying to say I'm sorry. It's all that I can say. You mean so much and I'd fix all that I've done if I could start again. I'd throw it all away. To the shadows of regrets and you would have the best of me.

Oh darling blog it has been far too long since I've last written. I suppose that is the life of a masters student though. Writing far too much during the semester and forgetting the little guys. I've had a thrilling past few weeks. Completed my first full year of my masters program and am already working on my thesis. I never thought I'd progress so much in a year, but I have and I am proud of myself! I completed my first year with a 4.0 and I can't thank those in my life enough for all of your moral support. I know that I am capable of so many wonderful things and you guys give me that extra push that I need at times.

I think some changes need to be made in my life and I can feel it inside of myself. I think I've been actually dragging myself down and not looking to the lord for such simple answers. I need to stop letting my mind control every thought that runs through it and let g-d show me the way. I think that in the end everybody who has done good in their life will get something good in the end.  Every little hit and knockout that comes your way is just a test from g-d. We are all g-ds children and I believe that there is some good in every person out there no matter how terrible they may seem. I feel like I'm forgetting the beauty g-d once showed me years ago.

A few years ago I was sitting in my backyard sipping on some tea looking at the gorgeous blue sky filled with white, fluffy clouds. The green grass was my chair and I spent a moment just reflecting, thinking, and thanking g-d for every little thing he had blessed me with. A couple more years went by and my mother grew ill, my family lost the house with its luscious backyard, and my brother and I grew distance. I struggled internally wanting to understand why our wonderful life had gone rock bottom. I to this day struggle and often let my aggressions out on those I love, but then I remembered that day of me sitting in my backyard, serene, and sipping on tea. I was so happy, untouchable, sure of myself, and passionate about life. I acknowledge the fact that I am passionate about what I do and that I am happy with who I am, but I feel like some of that passion for life went away.

I believe that we have the ability to change things in our lives for the better, for what we truly desire. I know what my heart desires and I think it's been fogged for a while now. I want more than anything to be that person that I knew so well. I want to show the world how passionate I am about living, because I am. I cherish my family no matter how far apart we may grow, because they are my family. I know that in any terrible situation they will be there for me and that they want nothing but my happiness. It's hard to watch people you love have hostilities towards you, but I need to realize that these are simply ways to release some stress. There is a tremendous amount of stress that surrounds my family and if they need me to take it out on that's the least I can do. I need to be there for them just as they have my entire life.

I guess I've taken advantage of the people that love me the most while stuck in this hazy fog, but I am breaking through and the skies are becoming clear now.. Just as they were years ago in my backyard. I'm determined to do the things that make me the most happy and make the people in my life extremely happy. They deserve that this includes my boyfriend, brother, parents, and friends. They all want the best for me and they all love and care deeply for me and I have been nothing but difficult to deal with. I have to accept the life I do have because it could be a lot worse. I'm afraid for a lot of things, but I can not let myself live in fear. I used to go on bike rides through the forest, go downtown on adventures around the city and purchase cheap silly things to remind me of my day, I'd drive out to the middle of nowhere and get lost with friends just for laughs and memories, and spend time doing nothing but reading, writing, and sharing time with those I love most.

I miss myself and I seem to have allowed my past to construct my future. The future can not be predetermined I don't care how much anyone tells you that. I think that g-d has a few paths for us and he presents them to us. We ultimately decide what is right in our lives or not. We construct our lives and do what we feel is right in the moment and must live with the consequences later. I've made a lot of mistakes, but that just means that I need to grow from them and not allow the past to construct the future. We must live in the moment and if we make a few mistakes a long the way that is okay, because in the end we will learn from them and grow.

In order to give everyone an idea of who I am, because I understand I can be quite complex, I am constructing a brief synopsis (Yes I know this sounds so formal, but it's going to come from the heart). Alexis Zoe is a girl who is from Chicago. I adore the city, but often feel that there is something missing and have the desire to be somewhere else. I love my family and would do anything for them, but despite this I still have a strong desire to leave and go somewhere completely brand new. I have always been an old soul. By old soul I mean to say that I have high morality and can't comprehend how people in this day and age act. I don't need a drink to be happy or have fun I just need good company. I want somebody to love me for more than just my body I want it to be emotional. I want to feel a connection without having to actually connect, because I believe that sex is special and should be shared in a marriage. Happiness is important to me, not so much my own, but others happiness. When other people are happy I feel satisfied and love helping others. I feel no one in life should have to deal with any situation alone and am always willing to listen and attempt to help the best I can. I love to go out and live and feel free. I love the open road and traveling, because I like being introduced to new places, foods, and people. You can learn so much more about yourself by meeting new people and seeing things you've never seen before. I try to stay open minded because you never know when something you learn or see may alter your own beliefs or fit you more correctly then what you thought originally did. Writing, reading, acting are all part of my creative being. I feel free and in control when I am doing these things and am able to show bits and pieces of myself that I may not disclose otherwise. I seem outgoing and I can be, but I often am shy. I'm modest and I don't take compliments well. I love compliments, but I often am not sure what to say and am overly grateful. I treasure every moment and memory that I make with those love and try to be the best person I can be for them. I feel like I ruin a lot of my relationships because I become afraid and push people away, but if you give me a chance I am the most loving girlfriend ever. I like cutesy stuff like sitting under the stars, holding hands, taking cheesy pictures, writing love letters, and watching the sunset. I do like long walks on the beach and I love mountains. Fishing with my father are some of the most splendid times even though I can only catch tiny little fish. I love the outdoors and embrace mother nature. I feel like most people forget how beautiful the world is and let it just pass by. The best advice anyone gave me was to slow down, and when you slow down you can enjoy each mile traveled, each second lived. Life is precious to me and I am sad when I see people suffering. I wish I could find a way to cure anyone and I often donate money to homeless or a good cause because I don't think anyone deserves such a hard life. It makes me sad to think people just throw away human life for being irresponsible. Don't they know there are people in the world who would do anything to have a child? I love children because they are pure and don't see the horrors of life yet. They are happy and curious and when we grow up we lose that imagination, curiosity, and purity. I like to believe that I still have that imagination and curiosity. I want to do right in the world and often struggle with my morals in this day and age. People just seem to have forgotten what morality means and what family means. I like structure, but don't think you should run your life completely on schedule. Things come up and sometimes being spontaneous can surprise you and be healthy. I love to run and ride my bike because I feel at peace and free. Hearing my heartbeat, feeling sweat on my body, and caring for my body makes my body happy and best of all my mind happy. I think everyone needs hugs and love because the world is full of too much hatred and unhappiness! I get jealous sometimes, but that's only because I really like those I get jealous of. Sometimes I have questions that are so complex they don't really make sense and I often struggle to make sense of them. I think that thinking and wanting to learn is beautiful, because the mind is so powerful. I don't believe intelligence, power, and money should measure how much of an asset somebody is to society. I think if you are passionate and satisfied with what you have accomplished you are the most successful and biggest asset to society.  I love life :)

Okay so that wasn't so brief, but I felt the need to let it out. That is who I am and so much more and I try to hide myself behind this wall. I'm breaking down the wall and letting Alexis Zoe out fierce!

PS. Arizona is almost only 2 weeks away. I have already packed half of what I want to bring! Oh I'm excited :)

<3always,
Lexy