Perhaps...

Perhaps I'm soul searching in the wrong areas. Perhaps I am so uncertain because the intention of life is uncertainty. Perhaps I am struggling because I fear the future and so putting of future endeavors will cause this fear to subside slightly in time until it is absolutely quintessential that I make some form of a decision. Perhaps my expectations ARE too high despite my claims of having little to no expectations. Perhaps... Perhaps....

My last hour of work yesterday after being up over 24 hours with just one 1 hour nap left me drained. Both jobs required so much work I didn't think I'd make it. I thought for sure I'd be like a little lifeless piece of matter attempting to look coherent during class. The whole fun part of last night was that I was required to do a reading response and I honestly felt as though my response would fall short. Class astounds me. When sitting in class I am able to be recovered to fully charged. My life slowly creeps back into that little form of matter attempting to blend in with it's environment to something vibrant and bold longing to be heard. My reading response was so riveting and I was so satisfied with what direction my questions went. My professor said that we often get off track, but sometimes those are the best classes.

I find those to be the best classes. After class me and one of the most amazing friends I've had (Nicole) were walking to our cars just discussing. We always get on the topic of boys somehow and I realized something that is essential to my existence. Love. Perhaps the most important thing other than academics in my life is falling in love, being in love, and retaining love. I claim that I am independent, a feminist, somebody who laughs in the face of men. Somebody who is constantly trying to prove myself as a woman in this male dominated world. Somebody who will work a physical labor job and try to out throw the men to prove something. To prove that I am not merely a little girl who is incapable of anything somewhat masculine. Something that requires hard work, but at the same time I don't know where I'd be without Johnny. I don't know if I'd be as satisfied I'd be. I could live a separate life from him (which is basically what I am doing now since we live apart), but being able to call him or text him and to feel loved it's an indescribable feeling. I feel as though I am this spirit that is a walking contradiction.

"You are my inspiration." Somebody said to me yesterday evening. I kind of chuckled. I'm somewhat modest and am unsure of how to receive compliments. I become this awkward, childlike individual who smiles and chuckles.

"I'm just a psychopath." I replied.

Am I truly an inspiration? I don't deem or think of myself as any more worthy of inspirational than anybody else. In fact, despite all my accomplishments and peoples claims of my beauty I am probably one of the most insecure people. I don't believe that I am always beautiful, I struggle with my self image, my writing always falls short, and I feel as though I slack a lot in life when I could be somebody so much more proactive. Then it got me thinking that my insecurities and imperfections are what make me so unique and perhaps so inspirational. I'm not afraid to be different. I'm not afraid to be who I am and I do expose my insecurities and fears. I disclose which scholarship suggests is rare (Refer to Duck and Wilson). My life has been full of accomplishments and I know I will continue to prosper, but when it comes to social relationships I hold myself back. I am so concerned and wanting to retain relationships whether they be friendships or significant others that I tend to focus most of my attention and thoughts on that. I feel that I am where I want to be in my life, but without others to share that with my life ceases to have meaning. Perhaps my article last night was correct that relationships and communities are fundamental to the human experience. Do we need people? We often see in movies such as Cast Away and I Am Legend that people begin to go mad speaking with inanimate objects or animals as though they can speak back to us.

So many questions are in my mind. I know now why I want to be in academics, because I seek knowledge. I know that truth with a capitol T does not exist easily. The uncertainties of the world create this rush of desire of knowledge. I am certain that I am living as correctly as my intentions are. I believe that I understand myself much deeper than I once knew. I'm not afraid and am ready to be me and expose myself to the world. I am ready to help others and I am passionate about this life. I do require love. I do require friends. I do require going on long drives and enjoying nature. I know what I need to maintain a happy life and how I can be a better person for those that surround me.

Last week I went on the most riveting camping trip with my half sister and her friend. I love being outside and it reminds me of how glorious this world truly is. It's simply amazing and fantastic that we have been blessed to live in such a world and be graced with the beauty of the worlds natural beauty. I feel industrialization is like make up for the natural world. It looks beautiful, shiny, pretty, masked if you will, but when you deconstruct all those layers of architecture  your left with something natural and beautiful. Sure the outdoors isn't always deemed beautiful. I acknowledge there is ugly outside such as itchy plants and creepy insects, but with the ugly there is beauty as well and that outweighs anything that may be creepy, crawly, and fearful. I find myself all over again when I am in the outdoors and it makes me think of the pioneers and all that they had to go through. They didn't have cabins or tents, but rather a little wagon with several people and all their food for the months to come. They braved it and made it so sitting in the freezing rain last Saturday seemed so trivial and when I did get back into the tent and in warm cloths I felt so grateful to have warm cloths and shelter. Being outdoors is beautiful, but reminds me of how lucky and privileged I am to have simple things such as shelter, food, warmth.

I'll leave you with lyrics by these wonderful musicians Mumford and Sons.

How fickle my heart
and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find
any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles
on things I don't know
This weakness I feel
I must finally show

Lend me your hand
and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart
and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes
I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep,
totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe