That's Heavy.

Forgive me my dear darling blog for I have forgotten your existence temporarily and now will make more effort to writing at least once a week instead of going nearly a month. I'm sure that you don't have a tremendously large amount of readers, but that doesn't matter. What matters is this blog has the ability to create a substantial revision of my world in order to create a more positive and motivated me. I have so much to share in this short little blog (well it virtually could be a novel if I so choose, but I won't bore you all with all the exciting details of my life). I suppose I will start with the most recent and go backwards. Most people would chose to start with the old stuff and then move onto the new, but I am daring to be different today. Yesterday I woke up and instantly had this positive "I'm happy" kind of feeling. I went to my first job after only sleeping for one hour and threw boxes more quickly than usual and smiled as doing so. I typically go home after work and get at least a 2 hour nap before I have to go into my second job, but today I decided that I was not tired and could run on 1 hour of sleep for my impending long day. I went to breakfast with my father and paid. I figured he was struggling and it'd be nice to treat him and just spend time with him. After rushing home trying to nap for a small amount and then showering and getting ready for work I smiled and was excited to go to work and be productive.

 I took with my new dollar wall calender I found at Micheal's that's super cute and hung it on my wall writing out all of my plans and deadlines so that I would actually complete everything instead of "getting to it later" which inevitably ends with me freaking out and feeling terrible that I was unable to complete what I need to (like a submission for central states conference which I will now be unable to attend and am feeling bummed about it). I was listening to some hymns and inspirational music, getting all my work done, and even had some time for myself until I realized my wallet was missing and that I would be unable to eat anything for 24 hours on top of having no sleep. I called my father in a frenzy attempting to keep my positive attitude and convincing myself that the wallet was no big deal and that I could just pig out when I got home. I caved and ended up having a terrible rest of the day. My father and I sort of had a fall out and I felt like a terrible hellion sent girl who deserved nothing but to be under a rock somewhere away from society where I could not make mistakes or upset people. My boss gave me a ton of work to check over at 5:30 (after my shift mind you) and stayed there until 6 on the dot so I was unable to print my articles and I was late for meeting with my friend. I went to class in a sulky mood.

"That's heavy," seemed to be the theme for last night. Social support was our topic, which ironically enough made me feel even worse. It took a great deal for me to hold in the tears. The most easily related topic to social support that I continued to discuss was my thesis on young adults disclosing their parents advanced cancer diagnosis. As I related my project and spoke about my findings I began to feel myself defending those people in an attempt to defend myself. In an attempt to defend every person out there who is alone and in an experience that is extremely difficult to relate to. When you find someone who has a parent with cancer it's almost this sick excitement that you have someone who knows... Who feels your pain. Somebody in class spoke about her father and how the experience was different as a child. It is for that reason that I am focusing on people in my age group of 18-25. These individuals are desperately trying to break into adulthood and be independent and start their own lives. It becomes extremely difficult to start anything when you have a sick parent and I think my way of dealing with it is running away. I'm starting to realize that in my pain and agony I have built a structured life so that I am not here and that I have something else to "complain" about. My life is heavy. I don't have a therapist. I don't have a social network I can talk to about my pain. I'm often deemed to be debbie downer at any attempt to self disclose my problems.

I am forever grateful for my friend Nicole. She has no idea how much she does for me during our weekly after class talks. I'm afraid of sharing with her how I feel and my life because I'm used to people just kind of abandoning me in times of need or judging me. Not wanting to listen to the heavy, because it is after all grim and depressing. Social support has taught me just how complicated and difficult it is to give adequate social support. It seems most don't want to provide this type of support or don't know how to effectively. We attempt to define how it should be, but we fail to realize that each person is different and that each situation or need to deal with the distress is complex and intricate. She suggested I see somebody and was concerned with me not having anyone to talk with about everything. She made me feel as though there wasn't anything wrong with me and that it was completely normal to be upset in a situation like mine. When I got in my car to call Johnny back I just burst into tears. His phone was off and then I just balled more. Alone. Always alone. I can't speak to people about things. I'm heavy. I didn't know how I was going to drive home in my state of mind. I blasted Radical Face and weeped the entire way home. I wanted to scream and shout and tell the world that I was in pain and I had legitimate reasons to be. I wanted to tell them that I didn't want to plan for my mothers death. I didn't want to have to feel bad about going for a PhD and that I didn't feel intelligent enough. I wanted to tell them that I needed a hug, that all I really wanted was someone to give me a hug and say it's okay Lexy you're a strong person. Reconfirm that it was silly for me to be crying. Tell me that my discourse was fascinating and only built character. That my rhetorical self was really quite perplexing. I am something to be reckoned with.

I came home crying to a mother who was curious and a brother who was I think confused. I miss my house that we lost. I grew up in that house and I know it's just a house, but it was taken from us. We didn't want to get rid of it yet. My mother is ill and I'm having trouble accepting that. I want to succeed and travel in life, but I have to work two jobs to have any kind of money and working so much is hard, even on me. I feel worried about my thesis and about being accepted into a PhD program. I miss my happy place, the carefree me.

To lighten the mood I was in Arizona last weekend, which was a fun time. I love going to visit my boyfriend because it gives me something to look forward to and it's nice to get away from all the chaos here in Chicago for a little while. I went there for a family reunion. I already loved his brothers family and his mother so I was sure I would love the rest of the family, which I ended up falling in love with. I never had a huge family most of my moms family is scattered or passed away when I was young and I'm not the most fond of my fathers side. I miss my grandparents on my mothers side, my great aunt, and then my fathers great grandparents. If they were all still here I think I'd be more satisfied with my family, but for now I really only feel like I have my mother, brother, and father. Anyways, his family was wonderful. I was super nervous to meet them and nearly had an anxiety attack the first night. It's hard for me to be put in social settings (despite my apparent confidence and study of human communication). I suppose when you want to impress people you have a different mindset going into the situation. I had a lot of fun with them and am so glad that they let me come and meet them all! They made me feel right at home and were the nicest most fun people I have met in a long while. Next time I won't be so shy and I actually opened up a lot.

Time with Johnny is always fun it's really hard for me to not have someone physically there with me. I'm kind of a needy person when it comes to affection and I'm not afraid to admit that. I love having people to hug. Hugging is like my favorite past time. Going home to not that much affection kind of bums me out. I can hug my dad, but there's only so many times I can do that without it being borderline creepy (at least in public) lol! I also have trouble going to the airport and sitting there for hours thinking that's time I could spend with him and having to say goodbye. I'm not good at goodbye's ever. I put my sunglasses on in the airport and cried a bit by myself until I began to read Queen Bees and Wannabees that Bri was so sweet to let me borrow. It helped get my mind off the situation.

Other than all of this I suppose I have been just doing what I typically do. Being a full time employee and full time student. Taking care of what I can with my family and enjoying living. The other weekend my father and I went apple picking which was super fun. I love autumn and everything it has to offer. I am so excited to be going to Galena soon with the family and just enjoying my family and this gorgeous weather here in Illinois. Though my state is somewhat corrupt and full of debt it is a beautiful place both the city and the country.Since this blog has become I novel I shall end it here. If you read this I commend you.

<3 AlexisZoe