You're too hard on yourself.

As I progressively mature and become more responsible I learn much more about the person that I am. I was rereading old blog posts of mine and as I re-read I am almost rebooted back to factory mode and become more in tune with the person I long to be. As I have stated in previous blogs I am looking to solve a complex puzzle that is life, but it is not easily solved. I have solved much more of the puzzle since last year, but have also been completely and utterly confused by some pieces of this puzzle. Each time I complete a section of the puzzle I become thrilled with my progress and am determined to continue on. Other times I become utterly lost and feel desolate and alone as if this puzzle is not worth finishing. I have come to accept that my puzzle resembles something of a Tim Burton movie and that much of the time I am the only one who can see it's beauty. It's a puzzle that often is difficult to make sense of, but it is a one of a kind something only people with an acquired taste can appreciate.

The thought of going out late at night and sitting under the stars at the edge of a cornfield entices me more than it should. The cool breeze and kicking off my shoes squishing my toes in between the damp and soft grass makes my heart pitter patter. I love the Midwest and I love nature. We often forget how precious our lives are due to the zombie shuffle we take a part of everyday. Our routine becomes our life and we forget to live, but just accept as real living. Real living isn't being that zombie, I'm afraid I have recently become just that. As I sit on the train surrounded by thousands of people I watch people get off and miserably stumble to where they need to be. I rarely see a smile and I wonder what happened to the world. What happened to being happy? What happened to smiling to yourself on the train while listening to some beautiful tune on your ipod or looking outside at the incredible city you live in and being happy you're alive and that you have what you do? When I do encounter somebody who is happy I feed off of their happiness. It reminds me that there is hope for the world. Every small delicate thing in life makes me have a strong appreciation for my life.

"You're life is heavy." "You're way too hard on yourself." "You don't have to help the world Alexis." "You're way too nice." "You wear your heart on your sleeve."

How very silly it seems that people believe that being too nice and helping the world is a bad thing. It's quite perplexing that the notion of wearing your heart on your sleeve should be outlawed. As teenagers we are socialized to not speak of our emotions, but deal with conflict and problems other ways. Aggression, success, activities, procedure that is what we are taught are important. We must structure our lives we must not show others our weaknesses or too much of ourselves. We become socialized to be what is deemed to be socially "normal" though normalcy ceases to exist due to the complexities of humans and culture. My mother was always warm and loving to me and thus I became warm and loving. I love her for being like this to me, though she now refutes being warm and loving and tells me that people just "don't like that kind of behavior." I have to be emotional, but not too emotional for if I am deemed too nice I'm setting myself up for failure.

Does failure really lie in this quality? Perhaps this is why the statement that I am too hard on myself comes up so normal in my social life amongst friends. I'm constantly searching for a way to fit into this "normal" way of living. I want (and have always wanted) to just be considered normal. I was the target in high school I'm not afraid to admit I was picked on. I'm not afraid to admit that though I smiled and acted as though I was happy and cool with the bullying that it broke my heart on a daily basis. That I'd go home and cry to myself and wonder what was so wrong with me. Was I really that different? I struggled to be myself for an extremely long period of time. Unsure of how to get the other kids to view me as normal and cool to talk to and invite out. When I met Matt and Vivian I found people who were different like me and who accepted me for who I was fat or skinny, crybaby or happybaby, and different for conformed. Life is about holding on to those who accept you and are there for you no matter what in life.

We must all learn to accept that trials are a part of life. Yes my life is heavy. My mother is in stage four cancer and before this I have had my share of trials, but there are others who suffer even more trials than I have and still get through it. It's not about how terrible or how many trials you have in life it is how capable you are facing them. How you get through all of these hardships is how your life will turn out. I'm not ready to give up on being who I am. I'm not perfect, but we aren't built to be perfect. We are imperfect creatures who are constantly striving to be perfect and that is what drives us to turn into the unique and beautiful people we are. To answer those who tell me it is an impossibility to help the world I laugh in their face. Every time you are sad or feel as though you have nothing left the lord is there for you letting you cry to him. I do not take a break from attempting to help others. If you can do just one nice thing for someone it can be your family, friends, or even a stranger I believe that you have the ability to bring them a smile a split second of happiness in this gray world. If you can help those who you can sympathize with who are hard on themselves because they are striving to fit this defined "normalcy" role and let them know that they are perfect the way that they are then you could quite possibly change their mind and let them know it's okay to be the person they are.

The sooner we stop judging others and love people for who they are and accept their flaws is the day that the world will be happy again. We must remember that we are all different, but we share one home the earth. If we go outside and look at the stars remember we all see the same stars. We all share the same sun. We are connected by our home. We all need water to be alive and we all breath the same air. We share so much that we take for granted every day. I am blessed to be alive. I am really grateful that I have had a mother who loves me more than anyone else could ever love me in this life. I have a Dad who is my best friend and who understands me on so many levels. My brother would do anything for me and just wants my happiness. My friends love me no matter how much I screw up or how difficult I can be to deal with. I have met so many others whether they exited my life or remained that have helped me learn a little bit more about myself each and every day. The good have helped to reinforce my optimism for the world and the bad have helped to teach me a valuable lesson about myself.

What I want to end this blog with is a reminder and a plead to please never stop trying to complete that puzzle even if you get near the end and never finish it. Always work at it because life is a life long lesson and a life long game. We aren't meant to understand it all otherwise we wouldn't be here and our lives would be meaningless. Embrace the fact that you can't explain everything and accept you for who you are. Don't let others define you or change who you are. Those who love you and who are willing to learn about you are the people who will be there and care about you in life. Don't take that for granted and don't ever forget how beautiful the little things are. Smell the roses and sit laying at the cloud patterns. Enjoy the fact that others around the world have done or are doing the same thing you are. Recognize that we aren't the same, but if we were life would be boring and trivial. Keep challenging yourself to get that part of the puzzle done and don't just go to the easy section you could be missing out on one of the most beautiful sections of that puzzle.

Love you all. Stay strong and be safe in this life. I pray for the world.

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe