My body is physically drifting from me and so is my mind. I have to admit that I am losing right now. Maybe it's just the fever or over exhaustion quite frankly I can't pinpoint what is causing my distress as of today, but I have forgotten what real sleep and real rest actually is. I try so hard to put on a tough I'm a Chicago girl who can deal with anything. Look at me I'm intelligent, I'm working, I'm independent, I don't need anyone to survive, and I most certainly am not a weak person. I'm not I put up a facade. I've been arguing with everyone lately it's my way of pushing people away. Lately I just feel really alone. I'm dealing with a lot of heavy things on my own right now I try to confide in people, but they don't want to hear it. I know it's heavy I know nobody wants to listen to the debbie downer. I need my friends there I want to tell them my fears I miss them. I miss them so much and I miss my family and I miss everything. I miss my life the way it used to be I was so happy and so carefree and now I'm forced to have aged to my 40's and take care of everything. When I go out I enjoy myself, but I'm thinking of my responsibilities back here. I have to fake happy I have to be everyone's idea of the Lexy they know. I'm not allowed to be sad, I'm not allowed to feel normal human emotion. I'm sick of it. I want to cry. I want to tell the world that I feel broken. I want someone to be there to just frickin listen to me talk about my worries with my mom. When people ask me what my thesis is I proudly tell them that it's about how young adults disclose their parents cancer diagnosis. I say it openly and never hesitate because it's my way of letting it out. My thesis is my way of telling everyone how this cancer has effected my life. I have been surrounded by the wretched disease my entire life, but now it's going to rob me of my mother. I want my mom to meet my kids and to be there for my wedding. She would be the best grandmother and she could tell me what I'm doing wrong with the baby. I want her to give me advice and argue with her when I think she is wrong only to find out she was really right. I want to hear her life stories and go through my midlife crisis with her there to calm me down. I am having trouble accepting that.
Speaking with others who have had to deal with this cancer bull at my age and coping with possibly losing their parents or who have lost them really made me see that I'm not crazy. That it is normal to experience the feelings that I am. I am not alone. My writing brings me comfort I want to help people who have to deal with this. I want people to not feel alone like how I did for a long time. I want them to know that if people cut you out of their life because you're dealing with heavy things that they don't really care and that they aren't worth your time. It's hard to remember that when everything seems to be caving in around you and you can't deal with losing more people in your life. I really have come to appreciate the people I do have and the people who show genuine concern for me. The honest truth right now is that I want to run away. I thought I wanted to go away to school because of other reasons, but now I'm realizing the real reason. I want to run away from all these problems. I just want to be alone and somewhere where I don't have to deal with anything. I wish I could be in a log cabin now like Thoreau just writing, reading, and enjoying the wilderness. I just want to be away and free. Where I can work on myself and focus on me and not have to worry about other people constantly. There's a lot I have to think about for my future and I'm starting to think about my options and take into consideration all the advice that has been given to me.
It hurts to think that you could make a wrong decision in life or a fantastic one. I guess you just have to take that leap of faith and trust that everything will work out in the end. I'm sick today, but I think I'm going to go sit outside wrapped in a blanket and enjoy the fall weather and read. I really need to clear my head and be free. I want to be free so bad and not cry anymore. Time to try and get through these emotions again. I study emotion so heavily yet I can not tame my own. I suppose I should know that there is no prescriptive way to define how we take care of our emotions or how we seek help. Scholars argue so frivolously amongst themselves about what is the "right" way to do such things, but I don't believe that we can. I believe that we could just become more in tune with our emotions, but sometimes they will run ramped. Have a nice week all.
Love you.
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