Childhood Lexy: "Mom, I want to go to synagogue. I want to learn about our people and I want to have a connection with g-d"
Needless to say any mother would be flabbergasted by their young girl actually wanting to attend synagogue and go to Sunday school. My mother had no intention of sending my brother and I just kind of weaseled her into letting us go. I went for several years and enjoyed my experience there thoroughly except for the whole getting along with other young Jewish kids. When I felt excluded or left out I always remembered that I was not there to please them, but to strengthen my relationship with the lord. For a long time praying and being religious brought me peace. It made me believe that everything would be okay and I grew stronger because of my faith. People often believe that seeing is believing, but sometimes you can have the most powerful and most brilliant revelations from that which you can not see. Now more than ever I have been turning to prayer and seeking guidance.
This month is Cancer month and Bullying month two things that hold very dear to my heart. There are things I will not admit publicly on this blog, but I have had my share with both. As most of you probably already know my mother is ill with cancer. Each day is a struggle to accept that she has this awful disease that I have lost so many loved ones to. What most of you may not know is that I was bullied heavily during my middle school and high school years. I have been reading this book and I could definitely be classified as the target. I was humiliated, lacked a substantial amount of friends, and often would sit by myself reading ignoring the ridiculing of other children. I look back on it now and bump into the kids who bullied me from time to time and am not horrid to them. In fact I smile and openly speak about how I have been if they inquire. I try not to hold too many grudges, because life is too short. We can't change the past, but if they knew the torment they put me through they would in my shoes most likely not even want to see my face. Now that I am older I see how trivial that life is, but there are still so many young people who must face bullying and hardships everyday, which saddens me. I wish more than anything that I could lift their spirits and give them big hugs. Let them all know they are special, unique, and will have better lives.
When I was in high school I was deemed a retard lover and a fat ass. My nickname wasn't something cute and people certainly did not call me sexy lexy (at least not give me a compliment). I was whale, Waters, anything but something positive. I barely even fit in with my drama folks, which was the only positive thing I had going for me in high school. I sat with the mentally disabled not because I wanted to put a target on my back and make a statement. I sat with them because I had genuine interest in their well being. I saw them as people and could not believe that some kids could make fun of someone who has no control over what they were born with. It was the most rewarding experience that I had in high school sitting with those kids. I learned so much from them that I would never have if I hadn't been bold and given myself the opportunity of getting to know them.
Today people are still so consumed with self image regardless of where they are or what age. It seems people often have to put on a fake face in order to be deemed normal or acceptable by society. We shut ourselves in this little cage of our own world and become ignorant to others in the world. Lately I have opened myself up to more than just my own religion not because I think my religion is wrong it still is a deep beautiful part of who I am and is something that has gotten me through so many rough patches, but because I want to see what is out there. I want to understand why we have such dichotomous viewpoints on religion and why we can't attempt to understand others. Yes, often we are pretty set our beliefs but I don't believe that is a harm in getting to know everyone. We are all children of g-d and we need to learn to accept others and not judge. I don't judge anyone... not even the horrid people who commit horrid crimes. It is not my place to judge, but the lords for what they have done. That is extremely difficult for me to say, because it hits so close to home and is such a hard topic for me to speak of.
Tears are coming again. I have cried a lot lately and for a bit I began to think that there was something incredibly wrong with me. I began to question my sanity, whether I was just an emo depressed bi polar person who needed to see somebody when I felt the compelling urge to cry. I prayed, I read, I surrounded myself with nothing but things I loved and adored. I used those confused and fearful feelings and used them to make myself a more proactive, productive individual. I accomplished so much today despite my somewhat bad news and previous negative attitude. I cried today and even had a brawl with my Father who I wish knew how much I love him. Then it hit me while I was sitting there in my vehicle crying my eyes out. It is OKAY to cry. The lord does not punish you for tears. In fact, tears should exist if that is a part of who you are if that makes you feel better. It's much better to cry then to go out and do something irrational. It's healthy to let our your pain in a physical way. Tears to me now are beautiful (obviously I don't want to cry all the time), but tears show your vulnerability. They let you express your sadness and help you to feel better. Why wouldn't you feel blessed to be able to cry?
I am going through a whirl of emotions now. I think I have finally found out what I truly want and what I have been missing. I love my family. I love the people they all are and I love all they have done. My mother is my hero and despite her thoughts that I am not fond of her she is my favorite person in this entire world. She is the definition of what true strength is and I just want her to know that everyday I have her I feel so privileged to have had such an amazing mother and such an amazing example of what a woman should be. I love Chicago Illinois. I do often crave something new and want to see the world. I'm 22 years young and I have an entire life ahead of me to see all the beauty and experience living in other places, but for now I am happy where I am. I need to be where I am and I want to thank everyone in my life for being the wonderful people that they are. I'm starting to learn to not take for granted the people who really love you, because once they are gone that's it. It's hard to find that in every person you meet and I have been so lucky to have my family and friends. They are my lifeline. I can be Lexy around them and not be afraid to cry, or laugh my silly laugh, or rant like a dork on nonsensical topics, or just be the goofy person I am.
<3 always,
Alexis Zoe
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