If the title doesn't intrigue my readers I hope that this blog will somewhat intrigue you. The analogy of my life being very similar to a horror movie initially may seem to be a negative one. Though horror flicks can be quite disturbing and plot lines seem to cease to exist; last night, after seeing Saw I could relate this film to my life a lot. This comparison actually nearly brought me to tears in the theater, but because I was with my friend I held back not wanting to frighten her or or leave her never wanting to see another film with me. The movie consisted of a not so real survivor who attempted to turn these torture events into something positive. He attempted to make people see the light of jigsaws game and described scars and pain as never really going away, but exposing the courage these people had and the new appreciation for life. It was an experience that allowed you to be reborn. Though I have not been tortured or been in one of jigsaws games I think I have experienced events that really have taught me that pain and scars can actually have a somewhat positive effect despite being hard to ignore and disregard.
It's easy to be angered and upset about your problems. One of the survivors in the movie felt bitterness and said that nothing could come out of something so terrible happening to someone. I felt that for a long time "how could I possibly enjoy my life or believe that the lord loves me when he's given me so much pain and taken so much from me." Self pity is one of the worst places to be and in hard times we can't just survive and accept that life is bad and it is happening to us. We have to survive with intention and purpose. We must go on and combat hard times by sacrificing our lives to our loved ones and never surrendering what we believe is right in our hearts. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are at your lowest of lows. I forget that many times and when I do cry and break down people often are unsure of how to help, because they are not used to me being like this.
I do attempt to keep a positive attitude with everything in life and I want more than anything to be happy. I know that happiness does not come with each day and that some days we are miserable. I know that we do have let downs, but that sometimes we have the most wonderful days. Sometimes we forget the good days when we have the most miserable, but talking with friends and thinking about the person I am and thinking about the relationships I have in my life both spiritually and physically are what keep me above dark waters. Tonight I felt a lot of self loathing and questioning. I often questions myself in not so good situations, attempting to reevaluate what I am doing wrong. In the process I have come to realize that I actually degrade and disrespect myself. I need to remember that though I am human and I make mistakes that I am a good hearted person and that I have good intentions. I want those I love and are dear to me in life to be happy even before myself. I realized tonight that I have to learn to love myself and stop blaming myself for everything, because life happens. We can't blame ourselves for every situation in our life that is negative nor can we allow it to consume who we are. We have to remember what the lord has blessed us with and accept that it is okay to cry and be upset, but that we have to persevere and trust that everything will essentially be okay.
I am going to San Francisco in a week to do something that I am in love with. I could not ask for a better place to be and am looking forward to having a mini vacation that I much need. I work hard and I need to work hard for myself and take a look at why I do what I do. My friend called tonight to ask about a prospective male she would like to be with. I felt like crying and was upset, but instead I gave her the advice she needed. I told her to not have high expectations and just be herself. That we can no define ourselves by someone else otherwise we will lose everything in the end. We ultimately must live for ourselves until we begin a family and even then we must do things that make us happy and keep us satisfied in our lives. I love academics and I love being able to express my issues with social problems that seem to continue to plague us. I love helping girls suffering from eating disorders or abuse because I feel that I am capable and want them to have a shoulder to always lean on. I love being in nature and camping and being one with this incredible world we have been blessed with. I'm a creative I love creating things and acting. I'm a worker and driven I work hard to get places because I want to make something of myself not just for monetary rewards, but because I worked hard to get where I did. I want to go out with friends and hang out with my family because I realize how important it is to surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you.
My life is not easy, but I know it's not intended to be and that we are never given problems that we can not handle. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but you have to attempt to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each experience we have whether it be good or bad is meant to teach us something deeper and more profound about ourselves. We are capable of enduring more than we believe ourselves to be capable the only thing you need is hope and trust in your future. I know I'm not going to be myself for a while and will struggle, but struggle is the beautiful part of life. It doesn't seem so at the time, but as we continue on we remember how strong we are. I think strength is admirable and respect for yourself. I love you all and feel really blessed and grateful to have you all as a part of my life. Always remember who loves you and hold onto those people and treat them well, because you never know when they will be gone whether they leave, stop speaking with you, or pass away :(. Have a wonderful, happy, and fun filled life and never be afraid to be who you are. If people don't like the person that you are then they are not worth your time or effort. Be good to those you love always and never forget what is dear to your heart.
<3
Alexis Zoe
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