Fear

It seems that when we conceptualize fear we believe fear to be something that scares us. When we attempt to understand what scares us we look at the fundamental basics such as spiders, dark, being alone; but what we must recognize is that fear is essentially not the item that scares us. It is much deeper and darker than simply an object. Fear is something that we do not know about that we are uncertain of. Uncertainty is quite the tool to leave us sobbing alone in our rooms, locking our doors, and questioning our lives. I do not attest that questioning your life is not a healthy, nor do I believe it is a bad thing to sob alone in your room on occasions; however, I believe that many of us allow fear to drive our lives. It becomes a way of life and we become uncertain about not just the objects that we are afraid of, but we become uncertain about ourselves. When uncertainty controls the epitome of who we are problems arise quite abruptly whether we deny them or recognize them. The other day when I was sobbing in my car in tremendous pain I began to question my life. I became, for the first time, understanding that I had uncertainty built up within myself. I convinced myself for over a year that I was certain about everything in my life. That I was sure everything was going according to plan and that things were perfect. Nothing could in a sense touch me, because I was untouchable. Yet I was not the happiest person I cried a lot alone in my room. From time to time it's okay to cry in your room, but to cry all the time presents red flags of problem.

I began to blast my music and sit in the parking lot for a while just until I was stable enough to drive myself to the doctors. I thought about my emotional pain that I have been going through this past year. I thought about why I got hurt at work in the first place. I thought about crying in front of my co-workers and the feeling of being weak A feeling I always dismiss. My thoughts went to academics and the passion I have for them, but the uncertainty of my capabilities. Then I began to understand my life has been one large uncertain piece of art that nobody can quite figure out. I am not understood. Perhaps that's what makes me so beautiful, but so forgettable. I am not concrete, but abstract and when people get tired of trying to figure me out I lose visitors. I don't want to change who I am, because I think that my uniqueness brings something to the world whether it be good or bad I'm not quite sure yet, but I like to believe that my encounters with people are positive ones. I know now what I have been doing to myself that has built up all this fear and uncertainty.  I have depended too heavily on others and not taken time to step back and care for my own well being. I have surrounded myself with people whether it be relationships, friendships, or co-workers that I have forgotten to give myself proper attention.

Attention from others is required to have a healthy life, but there needs to be a degree of self independence. I am capable of writing and I know that now. Though I'm not an ingenious scholar quite yet I am a good writer. People who read my work compliment me (and the ultimate test is my mother who is brutally honest, she too thinks I was meant to write). If I set goals for myself I know I can get to where I need to be, because I have done it before. I was so busy worrying about others that I had forgotten how important my writing was and how critical it was for my academic endeavors. I let myself slip by graduate school this semester. I was no proactive about my graduate school pursuits and I just hope that what I have to offer is enough to get me to where I need to be. If not then I know I will try again and continue on doing something else. Things will fall into place for me it just requires time and dedication. Dedication is something that runs through my veins and I am a highly motivated person. I want to get places and I will do whatever it takes to get there. I know I am young and I know that I have ages to do what I love, but if I know and I feel it's right in my heart why wouldn't I put my 100% towards it? I am not a quitter and I refuse to ever give up on anything. I'm a fighter and a hard worker and I am proud of my work ethic.

I recognize that there are things beyond my control in life right now. My mother is a beautiful, strong, and loving person who is going through something I can't even fathom going through. She fights for us and she gives me courage and hope. I know my mothers illness is not easy to deal with and I appreciate all of the people who surround me in an attempt to make me feel better. I do feel loved and that love gives me enough umph I need to get through my down times. I know though that my mothers illness has taught me something about my life. I appreciate life a lot more now, because I know how easily someone you love can go from bubbly and full of life to depressed and not the woman you remember. We have to be grateful for the people who we have in our lives that love us and hold onto those people. The people who don't care and don't love us are not worth our pain, time, or energy. We need to put everything into those we know love us and who will always be there. I have such great friends and family. My guy friends have reminded me that I am beautiful and I know that I am. My friends remind me of how much fun I am and how crazy. I'm not everybody you'll ever meet, but who wants conformity? I'm comfortable with myself and to be able to say that and act on it is the best thing you can do for yourself. My family shows me everyday what true love is and I deserve their love and want to give them all of mine. My mom's illness has brought great pain into my life a new found pain I didn't seem could exist. Worse than any heartache or hurt back, but I know that it has made me grow into a beautiful, appreciative person.

It's crazy to think that tomorrow morning I will be on a plane going to San Francisco. I'm super excited to get out of town and just have some "me" time though I will be around a lot of other brilliant people. I am going to explore a place I have had a huge desire to visit and eat seafood. I'm going to present about the work I am so passionate about and be able to share that with others. I feel wonderful when I present. I get somewhat nervous, but at the same time it brings such joy to me. Not many people want to hear about my research, because well it's kind of nerdy for others to have to be bored through. I acknowledge the fact that not everyone is going to be interested in my nerdy school endeavors, but the people who understand me and are there make all my research worth it and I love conferences. I can't wait to see the golden gate bridges, the cute houses, and take a trolly around town. Who knows maybe I'll even buy myself something pretty if I find it. With that being said I really must get to packing and cleaning so I come to a home that is not chaos and so that I can begin getting what I need to be done finished. Love you all and never be ashamed of the person you are, because you are the most beautiful person you know. <3

Always,
Alexis Zoe