Dear World.

You perplex me so. The New Year has creeped upon us all again. Part of me is astonished at how quickly time seems to pass as you progress in life. I feel as though soon I will be thirty and indefinitely probably still searching for someone to spend the most frightening years of my life with. For some reason or other when people tell me that I am young I get somewhat defensive. My definition of young is teenager now, though I am not far from "teenage" years I still have surpassed most of the people my age. That being said I feel as though I have aged an extra 10 years placing me more around the age of 32. I am surrounded by older people in nearly all of my everyday interactions, thus I have become more friendly with those who are older than me. I am still far from mature and do act 22 most of the time, but when it comes to aspirations I am beyond most people my age. I long to make something of myself and help shape the world into a better place. Though I have come to accept that world peace is not only not healthy for the world, but also unattainable my goal in life is to make people smile. Everytime I see a sad person in my environment or during interaction I feel compelled to help. I just have these deep, intricate feelings inside of me that make me want to comfort and nurture. I feel as though I understand a lot, because I have experienced a lot and this has made me want to use those experiences to help others see that they can get through them.

I'm proud of myself. This year hasn't been perfect, but if I can say one thing about 2010 it was that I finally realized my self worth. Why? What has changed me so much that has made me respect myself so much more? I used to be one of those girls who was never good enough. I beat myself up more than anyone else in my life, because I had disliking for the person I was. I was never thin enough, smart enough, loving enough, perfect enough. I strived for perfection I gave my heart to anyone willing to take it only causing me more grief in the end. I disrespected myself with late nights of drinking, flirting, and being someone I was not. I put my education on hold for others and let others define me. I hurt myself that was all I was doing to myself. Everytime I spent 2 hours at the gym I beat myself up running over 8 miles just to feel pretty. I'd convince myself that I would never amount to anything. I wrote something wonderful and deleted it embarrassed by my writing deeming myself incapable. I have flaws. I can't be perfect. I'm not made to be perfect, but perfection does not define beauty. 2010 made me realize that I am beautiful and that if I become my own worse enemy I'm only destroying myself. This year I was extremely destructive and I have no one to blame, but myself.

In November when I was out with my family I looked at my life and myself. I realized that I have become so concerned with others I forgot to help myself. When I looked at my wonderful family I realized that they were the ones who really cared, not some boy. When I got a massive amount of texts from friends I abandoned and treated like strangers I saw just how many friends I have that actually care and never abandon me even in my darkest hours. I came to the conclusion that this year and years past I let someone define me. I was controlled. This year has been the greatest blessing despite all of the terrible things that have happened. I have finally become comfortable with who I am. I now know that I am not perfect and that striving for perfection will just be futile attempts at meaningless life. I have learned to say yes to going out with friends instead of locking myself in my room writing. I have explored places that I said I'd never explore. I have found the girl I was so many years ago and am no longer obsessed with being beautiful, because I know that I am. I see the beauty in everything and life has become so much less mundane.

This is the happiest I have been in years. I no longer feel obligated to anything or anyone, but I do feel that I can be the right person for someone. I'm not entirely sure that makes sense so let me elaborate. I believe that I can be a better lover, friend, daughter. I have a greater sense of how precious life is and how the simple things are all you really need. I know that things in life are not certain, but the uncertainty is what makes life so interesting. I want to take long drives like I did so many years in the past enjoying the country side, I want to go downtown to random little neighborhoods and buy myself lose tea and drink coffee in cafes. I want to ride my bike around sunset and take in the world. I want to read books that will change my life and have deep, riveting conversations with people. I want to remember what it means to see the world in color instead of shades of gray. I want to keep fighting for my dreams and stop settling for what's easy and safe. Life is about living courageously and constantly fighting to stay on top. My mom has taught me this fundamental lesson with her own battle. I really do count my blessings now and am so grateful for what I have and do not focus on that which I lack.

It seems so many people let things in life get in the way. If you love someone love them despite what others say. Recognize that they say these things because they love you, but you have to find out for yourself. Don't let material possessions define your life memories are so much more valuable. Don't be afraid to be the person that you are, because there is always somebody who isn't going to like your style or who you are. Never manipulate yourself and accept not everyone is going to fall madly in love with the person that you are. Set goals for yourself and don't accept no for an answer. We are limitless and though our goals may be more difficult to achieve if you don't try you never know what could be. If you want something bad enough fight for it. Love the people in your life as if they will die tomorrow, because you never know when life will be taken from us. Don't focus on the negative and what you don't have and remember what you do have. Negate a negative and turn it into a positive.

Every year I make resolutions. The mundane. I feel compelled to make a list to enable me to have concrete evidence of what I should do. Life isn't about making lists or New Years Resolutions. The resolution you should make to yourself is that you will live more. That you won't limit yourself with definitions of what life should be, but be spontaneous and act with your heart sometimes and not just your mind. May be silly and  irrational, but guess what? You only have one shot at life and ultimately you have to satisfy yourself. At the end if you can't say that you are ready to go and have done everything you wanted then what kind of life did you lead? A miserable one. I'm not ready to be miserable. I want to love, cry, laugh, dance, and write. I want to be myself and not be afraid of that. The world is much bigger than ourselves and much more beautiful. Get out there, be passionate, and stay true to you.

Happy New Year darlings.

<3 always,
Alexis Zoe