As a child I was fascinated by my religion. Being Jewish was more than just a religion to me it embodied this concept of strength. My people fought for me, they were tortured, starved, beaten, and lived in scary, inhumane environments. Whenever I felt afraid or as if I did not have strength to carry on I prayed and I remembered all of those brave Jews. I'm tolerant of all religions. I believe that spirituality and your relationship with whatever you believe in is what is important. The second that you falter on what you believe in your heart is the minute you give a piece of yourself away. The most precious part of a person is their heart. The heart feels more than any place on your body. When I am scared, nervous, sad, or extremely excited my heart beats faster than comprehensible. Sometimes this fast tempo rhythm is welcomed like the feeling you get when you kiss someone that your heart has so many feelings for, but other times this rhythm is more of a headache than anything. In other instances are hearts remain calm, relaxed, and passive. When we are content with the day and happy with our lives our hearts run in sync with the rest of our bodies. Sometimes our hearts seem to skip a beat and other times they feel as if they've stopped. We express hurt by saying that our hearts break. My heart was broken this year not just by a man, but by life. This year was a year of self pity, and making excuses and I'm so thrilled to be done with it.
I lost myself. I almost gave away my strength and my relationship with g-d, because I was convinced my heart was in love though it felt otherwise. I convinced myself that my head was doing the thinking even though my soul knew that it wasn't. I sacrificed my best friend and am still struggling to accept that it was my own selfish acts that caused this. Though he is not as present as he once was I believe and know in my heart that he will always be there. I began to dress colorfully, gave up doing things I once enjoyed, and even began to disconnect myself from my friends. I became bitter, angry, and often attacked my friends. When I was feeling down on my luck I'd sit in my room crying alone, wishing that I had someone to tell me it'd be okay. Hoping that I could express myself and so I wrote. My academic work became about me being able to speak of issues I was having in my own personal life and it reflected in my work. It became less academic and more to me blog like. I'm working on correcting that now and know that it is going to take some work, but I realize that life can't be put on hold. I put life on hold last year. I held my breath and let 2010 pass me by in a matter of mere seconds. All of the work, things, and dreams I could have worked towards were diminished. I have begun to pick up the pieces and am determined to put together what was broken.
I began my New Year slightly bitter. I know that this is not the best attitude to have at New Years, but I suppose it is a longing to be with someone and experience the new year with someone. This I have never had and the thought of being lonely at the beginning of another year pulled at my heart strings. After talking with my girlfriends I was determined to turn this attitude around. It wasn't about the boys anymore. This year would not be about looking. This new year would be about me. It would be about me accomplishing all of my dreams and letting everyone know that I am worth so much. This would the year I give myself things, paying off my debt, running again, make agendas, and stop procrastinating. In 2011 the definition of life would not exist through others, but myself. The person I have always wanted to be and who I will continue to strive to be. Going out with my ladies, drinking, and being carefree and young was the most riveting feeling in the entire world. All of us were single and all of us just wanted to have fun with each other. The new year was not about going to some bar and finding some guy who'd kiss any girl willing; rather, it would be about us enjoying each others company and reminding us of who really cares.
So where exactly am I going with all of this gibber jabber? Well I was watching Little Fockers tonight (to see if I made it on the big screen!) with my father and had a splendid dinner with my parents. During Little Fockers I found myself tearing up again. Stiller was a family man and the passion and love he had for his family was incredible. It reminded me of my own family and the love my parents have for me. I long for that one day and at times I get completely discouraged. I begin to wonder if good men like my father exist in this world. My friends and mother figures tell me that I am very mature for my age and that I need to find someone with that same passion, determination, and lust for life. I have hope for human-kind, but at times it's hard to believe. People always tell me I'm beautiful and they can't believe nobody has sweeped me off my feet yet. I have learned that patience is the best thing you can do for yourself and satisfaction with being alone. I don't need anyone, but as I progress in life I am a little curious where my partner in crime might me and if he will live up to the man I envision. I don't want prince charming or mr. perfect I want to find my dancing partner :). This year I promised myself I would not make new years resolutions, but I feel compelled to. I feel like I need a definitive set of goals for myself so that I am able to live and fully recover from 2010. And so the list is as follows.
-Maintain a positive outlook. Though I know life can be rough I feel as though this year I was more pessimistic and that is not in my nature.
-Enjoy nature often. I.E. Camping, bike riding, and talking runs.
-Try cafe's instead of just my usual starbucks.
-Bake and cook up storms.
-Eat natural, healthy foods. I used to be a complete health nut and would not eat anything with food addictive. This needs to come back.
-Run often. It's the most liberating and free feeling in the world :) Other than riding my bike of course.
-Put money into my debt. Instead of shopping constantly it's time to pay off loans.
-Go thrifting. Kind of ironic to be below the previous statement, but I love the vintage style and feel that I need to add more of this to my wadrobe.
-Volunteer! It's time that I donate to the poor and go to help more. I used to help girls with eating disorders and who were abused. I feel as though this really helped me in the process of helping them.
-Enjoy Chicago. So often I take for granted living in such an incredible city that people dream of living in. Museums, the lake, just being in the loop is something I plan on doing.
-Work on acting. I have such a passion for acting and I feel as though I've kind of just given it up.
-Travel more (when time and funds permit) I love traveling and intend to make a list of goal places to visit within the next year.
-Take more long car rides. Though gas has become pricey I feel that trips to other areas of the midwest will help me further exercise my mind.
-Have more deep conversations with intelligent people.
-Write every time the opportunity presents itself.
-See more concerts even if it just involves local bands.
-Mange my time more effectively and waste less time on this silly interweb.
So those are just a few of a much longer, more detailed list. I want more than anything to accomplish a lot this year. I feel that this year is going to be different and that it is time to start living again. I feel wonderful today and I know that with work I could make myself even more incredible and most of all be happy. My heart loves being happy and the only way to accomplish this and allow my heart to feel this sensational feeling is to do things that I love and that cause this emotion. I'm going to continue to be who I am and never allow myself to be lost again. I am beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and have so much going for me and I finally feel comfortable with who I am. I have never been more proud of myself or certain that things will only get better from here. Life is only has beautiful and glorious as you make it and it is precious. I love you all I hope you had a wonderful new year <3
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe
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