My father is quite honestly the most riveting man I have been blessed to be graced with. If one would like to know where I get my brilliance it is from him. Our conversations on life are always stimulating and always make me reevaluate the person that I am. Today's discussion was about the way in which we perceive the very act of living. As a emotionally turbulent person I find that there is a pattern on how I react to situations in life. I tend to let my heart take over my head, though my head is constantly analyzing the situation. This dichotomy leaves me in a state of utter confusion and often causes me to become unhappy with the situation all together. I notice that I often take this frustration out on others and allow myself to drown in the situation at hand. The situation becomes the forerunner for how I live my life. Why?
What causes this dilemma? My father discussed how so many people just focus on things that are out of their control. That he has lived his life not worrying about the things he can't control and focusing on that which he can. I can't control a lot in my life right now. I'm unable to know for sure where I will be next year (whether I will be accepted into a PhD program or not). I can not predict how my defense will go for my thesis will go. I can't cause people to like me if they don't. I will never know how some people feel about me even though I want them to feel the way I do. I don't know if the bears will beat green bay. What do I know for certain? What can I control? I know that I can finish my thesis and edit it to get it where it needs to be. I certain that wherever I do end up I will be happy even if I have to sidetrack. I'm sure that I have people who love and care about me. This is all that matters. The certain, uncertainty is just an intrigue fun to think about, but it should not define your life. It should not be the focus of your life. There is more out of your hands then in them and what you do have is what you need to work with. The rest will come later or maybe never, but these things are not to be bothered or worried about.
I became a jealous person at one point in my life. It became so bad that it was all I thought about. The jealously killed whatever I had last. I convinced myself that everybody had it out for me one way or the other. I disconnected myself. I cried. I became a person I no longer recognized. I became the person I despised the most. Being alone and clearing my mind has made me reevaluate a lot. My dad asked me why I care if someone cheats on me? I began to think about it.
"Because, how will I ever trust again? What did I do to deserve it? What can I do better?" I inquired.
"Nothing," my dad began. "You can't do anything. You can't control it. You can't stop someone from doing terrible things to you because they will do them regardless of all the preventive actions you take. So why worry about it?"
I nearly was brought to tears. My entire negative slew of life. All of the negative in my life, all of the pain, and all that I have had to go through in my short 22 years on earth I have spent hating. I was the chubby kid, I was the nerd, I was abused, I suffered and I survived. Though I have turned most of the negative into positive it always bothered me inside. Helping others was a way for me to escape, forget my own problems existed. Forget the pain I felt and help show others that the pain is manageable if you attempt to erase it. If you focus on the positive elements of life, but it still bothered me. You can't just shake internal turmoil that easily. It takes time and your own self healing to get anywhere. You can't anticipate or expect others to help you through things, because they have their own mess of a life to take care of. Nobodies life is equal. Our lives will always be worse, better, happier, sadder, and more important than anyone else's. We are selfish beings and this isn't such a bad thing. We can have compassion and we most certainty do care about others, but it's how we maintain our selfish ways that separates a selfish person from just being a normal human being. The most important thing to remember is that we can not control others.
So someone cheats on you, leaves you, hurts you, calls you names, or publicly humiliates you. How can you control it? How can you even begin to live with yourself? Get back on your feet. Can I control if I die tomorrow in a terrible accident at work? Can I control how people view me? You can't control it. I have learned to let things just trickle off of me. I have realized that I really have no control over most things in my life, but I am happy. I am satisfied with who I have become. As I always say to my father "I got this."
He chuckles. My new motto in life is I got this, because I do got this. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and incredible person who works hard and is not afraid to be who I am. If people don't like me that's their personal preference and it's okay. I don't anticipate everyone to love me. I don't even anticipate anyone to like me. With this being said, I am lucky for the people I do have in my life. I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say this again. When you finally develop a love for yourself it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It's more incredible than anything else. I am smitten with myself. I love the life that I lead. I love working. I love how incredibly perceptive I am. I love my family. I have more strength and passion inside of my heart than my body can hold. I'm bursting with joy. I want to share with the world all of this information, because I want people to see the beauty in the world. I want beauty. I want happiness for the world. When I make someone smile I'm instantly happy. I'm always smiling. When I run a smile away the pain. When I'm at work I smile away the work. Even when someone is being bitter towards me I smile, because I am happy. The happiest I have ever been in my entire life and I have no one to thank but myself. I have become comfortable with the person that I am. I feel as though I've been reborn and the things that once bothered me seem so petty now.
Today I slept really late. I drank coffee, and now I am in the process of writing. Ugh I'm just super happy. I can't even write in this blog anymore. My advice to the world. Do not worry my darling friends! Things will go your way and when they do it will be utter brilliance. It's not about what you don't have remember that which you do! Love yourself because you are the most precious, and beautiful people on the earth. The perceptive theory of if you don't think the world of yourself nobody will is true! It's not about what people think of you, but what you think of yourself. You can't control the world, but you can control you. You are in charge of your life, your own boss, and you can create something memorable and beautiful. Cherish the memories you have and love your life. Live on and move forward and do not go and open doors that have already closed.
P.S. I love you cute faces!
<3
Lexy
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