Full of beautiful people, and beautiful lies. The world is full of life. Life is full of beauty. We are beautiful when we are full of life. This morning when I woke up I kind of shuffled to my car. I find it quite perplexing that we've created such a "shuffle" system. I'm not entirely sure I enjoy the shuffle of life. Though organization is fun I often exercise the thought of chaos, anarchy, and spontaneity. Anarchy brings this same perplexing thought to my mind. If it is labeled as a organized group against organized groups isn't it therefore a group in itself? How do we become separated from these organized groups in which we create? The answer... We can't. We are humans and as humans we bond together in "tribes" to be safe. Though I believe that it is near impossible to separate yourself from some sort of systematic group I find the notion of having what we define as anarchy to exist. My car started smoothly. Words can not even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to have a form of transportation to take me to random places in the midwest. I've blogged about my love for my car prior to this blog, but I can not stop emphasizing the freedom that my car has given me. When I find myself in a rut jumping in my car and driving to the cornfields to see stars at night eases my broken, healing heart. Best medication in life for any sort of emotional pain is looking at the world and realizing the very fundamental element of life "wow, I am a live." Whenever I remind myself I am alive and the world is so much greater than myself it makes me smile both internally and externally. It reminds me that though the world has a gray background I can pain it any shades my heart desires. Suddenly my world is full of pretty pastel colors and warm fuzzy joy.
I needed this today (though I did not drive to see the stars) on my way back from work I blasted my music. Fake Empire by The National came on and I suddenly felt this huge burst of inspiration. I began to sing my little heart out to one of my all time favorite songs on this planet. I felt my emotions rushing through my body and my heart beat a little quicker. I'm not afraid to admit that I am emotional and that this new zodiac business is bullcrap because I most certainty am not a Gemini. They are heartless. I am a cancer and I am emotional. Tears began to stream down my eyes as I continued to sing. Remembering all of the times I was told I would never sing and the moment I made a musical.
"I can sing." I said to myself. "I am going to make a video of me singing it and let the world hear it even though I still know this isn't a strong suit."
Then I thought about it. My strong suit. I'm the emotional actress I can bring tears to your eyes. I can make you wish you were never born because my words can be so cold, drab, and depressing. Perhaps this is not the most desired trait unless it is presented on stage. What am I talented at? What defines Alexis Zoe Waters? Words. My blogs are essentially my streams of thought that I can not begin to go about verbalizing. When I want to speak with myself instead of saying it out loud I come here to my blog. No I am not a crazy person, but I just have so much that I want to share with the world. The dumbfounded looks I get when I speak about things in person with others kind of discourages me from continuing on, but this is precisely why I want to continue on the path I have began to build for myself. I want to encourage deep thought. I want the world to feel the way in which I feel. Though I know nobody will ever feel what I feel, because we are all unique beings within ourselves I just want the world to not fear.
My friend asked me advice last night. I enjoy giving advice because it allows me to help make sense of situations in different perceptives for others. I feel it is essential to understand a situation in many different contexts. She was very dismissive of my advice. I love her dearly and I completely understand this type of behavior. I am the same exact way. I dismiss the negative. I make excuses for people that do not deserve my excuses. I convince myself that this is right and this is what I feel and despite others suggestions they are incorrect. I am in control of my situation. Hardly. When we convince ourselves that something is true and that becomes our reality.
So many women that I love have allowed themselves to become a reality created by media sources and hyper masculinity. So many men that I adore have allowed other men to convince them that they have to mistreat women to be cool. That emotions are not logical and that this is to be perceived as weakness. The world is convinced that we should not speak of negative emotions, or sadness. I am sad, but happy. How ironic? My mother is the main source of my sadness. I live everyday knowing that I could wake up and not have her here....I begin to question if I will ever be able to be ready for marriage without her there. I question my ability to ever become a mother. I question what I have done in life to deserve such a terrible thing to happen. I attempt to ignore her. I pretend that nothing exists. I am not the daughter I hoped to be. I've turned into something I can not recognize. I make excuses and surround myself with work to forget. Yet, I am happy. I am constantly reminded how precious life is. I feel as though my success will allow my mother to see that she did the most amazing job a woman could ever do at raising her children. That I will be okay. That I know life will always go on. I am strong, capable, and I... I can do this.
As much as I believe I can do this a piece of me wants to run away, start a new life. Heck maybe even go by Zoe. Maybe drop the Alexis. No. I am Alexis Zoe Waters. My full name defines me. So I write. I write my heart out to anyone who will listen. I write to show the world that it is much greater than us and though it may seem bleak it is still full of tremendous beauty. I write to show other young adults that they can survive and that there is life beyond the pain and struggle. I speak to those who are experiencing what I have had to endure. I want women to be strong and not feel as though they must be defined by a male. Sure I love attention and affection. I am smitten with love I will not deny the comfort and beauty I find in having a person to share memories with. However, memories are not worth sharing with people not worthy of you. Not everyone will love you. You can not force anything upon anyone, but all you can do is let somebody inside and let them decide whether your heart is worth it. I have learned that in life we must never sacrifice who we are for another person. That when we feel alone and as if our wold is crashing on us we must rise above it. As cliche as it sounds its' not about the amount of punches thrown at you, it's about always getting back up. Always persevering.
I've noticed that people seem to get upset over such petty things. Why? I feel as though we need to enjoy our lives. My life is rough, but I am so happy with the life I have. I pray everyday for all those who are still searching for their happiness, because I understand the darkness that life can cover people in. I wish to remind each and every person of the beauty inside of them and show them the wonders the world brings. There is a lot of pain and struggle in the world, but it is there to remind us just how lucky we are to be waking up in the morning and have what we do. Love you all. Never be afraid to be yourself and never be afraid to speak your mind. When they take your voice they take everything from you.
<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe
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