I'll undress if you need it, but please don't need it.

If you need it I'll scream out. Weave a secret I will sweep it beneath the carpet. Where you'll keep it, how weak is that? Wish I was worth it to you. Review my wishes for fare weather. Because I know if theres clouds and it rains and snows you won't be there. How weak is that? Wish I was worth it to you. P.S I want to have a sleepover like the image below!

I'm experiencing a kind of indescribable state of being currently. I'm not sure how to contextualize my situation in life right now, but all I can say is that I am living and putting forth my best effort. The more I live the more I have come to learn so many darling things about the world. Working physical labor has not been as terrible as I initially thought it to be. Though I'm still slightly put of telling people that I handle packages I enjoy the job. My coworkers are really what make me enjoy myself. I'm drawn to one person in particular and he always gives me so many wonderful stories. People's personal storybooks are riveting. He disclosed something to me today, which is not internet worthy, during our conversation and paused for a moment after wards.

"I've never told anyone that before," he said with a stunned look on his face.

I didn't want to crack a huge smile as if to mock him so I politely gave a small curl of the lip. He smiled at me and continued on with his conversation. It makes me feel good when people tell me that they never told anyone a piece of information. It's not that I feel special and have learned something nobody else has ever known, but it makes me feel as though I make others feel comfortable around me. The most exciting part of my life has been hearing others narratives and learning and growing from them. So many people have taught me so much about the world I would have never known. Another co-worker of mine began to talk about the lottery. He always encourages me to play, because he says that you never know when your lucky day can be. Then he began to tell me how if he won he'd donate a lot of money and help the poor. It nearly brought me to tears when he was discussing with me how he knows what it's like to struggle. My parents know what it's liek to struggle. I'm learning what it's like to struggle, but still am so much more fortunate than others. He gave a family pieces of clothing for the holidays and it really made me admire him. I have such a sensitive and soft heart that I get touched by moving stories such as these. I suppose that's the cancer element of me :P, but in all seriousness it made me miss helping people.

When I went for my run today I was struggling to go beyond my first mile. My foot was locking up and my body was screaming at me. I began to sing in a very small voice to Gregory and the Hawk and The National to get me through my run. As I ran I began to have thoughts spew left and right, encouraging me to keep going telling me that this year was about greatness. That I needed to help. That's when a woman was talking about an eating disorder on the TV in front of me. Oprah was having some special on eating disorders and I felt the need to do something. I continued to feel my heart pulse faster in my chest and remembered the struggles I've had with my own body image. I watched these women become nearly bones and it dawned on me just how much I can do to help woman be comfortable in their own bodies. I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. I work on myself and have recently stopped beating myself up. I know that my exterior as well as my interior are beautiful and I know that people do see that beauty. I never was convinced of this until recently, believe it or not. The cocky girl people think me to be is not entirely me, but since I have finally become comfortable with me it's been wonderful. Self love is the most beautiful thing in the world, but so many people struggle to love themselves. They abuse their bodies and I want to stop this.

I also want to run for a cause. I've been saying this for some time now, but have always made excuses or been too "busy" to train. Eventually I would like to run the Chicago Marathon for cancer, but I believe starting with a half marathon may be more wise. Cancer has affected me so much and has become a part of my personal identity. My connection with the disease, as well as with women struggling to find beauty in themselves makes me capable of helping so many others who feel alone. The thought of people having to be alone disturbs me, but in today's society we are so fixated with getting on top and our own self interests that we ignore people's cries for help. If we could all just listen to one persons distress instead of making them feel as though they have no reason to be upset, the world could be a much happier place.

I normally rant about how new years are just a progression of time and are nothing special. I tend to be the debbie downer about some holidays and have always thought the new year to be somewhat silly and just an excuse to get intoxicated. This year I viewed the New Year quite differently. I saw it as most people do. A fresh start. The song The Puppet by Gregory and the Hawk defines who I was last year. I was a puppet to somebody, because of the uncertainty in my own life. I was worried about my jobs, how I'd finish all my school work, getting PhD apps in, and most of all my mother. All of this made me feel as though I couldn't be alone and so I became the puppet. I'm worth so much more than that and what I ultimately want this year is simplicity in complex terms. In other words, I want to enjoy the simple things I once did despite all the complexities life has thrown at me.

My most cherished moments in life are simple. Taking my bicycle out on a cool summer night and riding, looking at the forest and feeling the wind gust in my face. My hair flying all over as I pedal faster and enjoy the thrill of feeling young again. Or taking my bicycle down by the gorgeous lake and riding on the bike trail with the smell of water and blue waves gently pressing against the docks. Taking my darling car out for a stroll in the middle of nowhere midwest and prancing through corn fields, drinking coke out of bottles, and laying down a blanket to watch the stars. Going to a darling park with a picnic basket and some kites. Watch the kites radiant colors stand out against the blue background and eat wine and cheese. Go camping, sit around a campfire making smores and listening to acoustic music. Reading and writing on my balcony, sipping on wine or a hot beverage and looking at the beloved skyline. Enjoy deep conversations with others. Explore the city, thrift shop, antique malls, and best of all drinking a cup of coffee or tea where they brew fresh. :) This is making me incredibly happy, but I know this is where my happiness lies.

Hope you all do what you love in life and never forget you are never alone. Someone will always love you more than you love them.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe