Time has progressed more rapidly then I could have ever imagined. In Communication Theory we discussed the notion of people becoming ghosts of their time. In other words televisions capture the image of others to "haunt" us years after they have passed. This post is not intended to discuss this theory or us becoming ghosts, but I feel as though time has progressed at such a rapid pace that the former "us" cease to exist. At times I feel as though the progressions I have made are riveting and beautiful. Other times they leave me sitting and questioning the past. I tend to not dwell on the past, because I can not change the past. Sometimes I wonder if I have actually learned from my mistakes or that I do know what I really want. With my friends changing so much and me still staying kind of the same I feel as though there is a need for a reflection of time. Just to better contextualize the person that I am.
Age 12: The twelve year old me. So precious, pure, innocent, and still unaware of what the world really is about. I still believed boys to have cooties and my most treasured memories was being able to see movies with my friends alone at a movie theater. How cool I no longer required a parent, unless of course the movie was rated R, but that was what sneaking in was for. Homework was such a chore and all I really wanted was to watch spiderman cartoons all day long. My hopes and ambitions did not yet exist. All I knew was I enjoyed acting and as far as I was concerned I was going to be a famous actress. My parents were my best friends. I was chubby, dorky, and carefree. I wasn't constantly wondering what people thought of me or where I was going in my life I just lived. I still baked cookies, but they were baked with my dad and brother. Little did I know someday I would bake alone and that the tradition would be kept alive through me. My best friend and I went to the mall one day and I spent 10 dollars and felt like that was a lot. I got a hello kitty pen and stuffed animal, best purchase ever for me that day. I also got my parents candy and to this day still do. Things fail to change much I suppose.
Age 16: The teenage Lexy. The girl who is fearless, but fears so many things. Boys kind of sort of look cute now. They no longer have cooties, but are so confusing. My dad explains to me that boys who are mean to you often like you, but this seems illogical to me. I'm nicknamed H20, Aqua, and Waters. At times I feel as though these nicknames aren't justifiable, because I am a girl and should not be addressed by my last name. Clearly that is for boys only. Girls and I rant about how illogical guys are and about our weight. At this age I am still overweight, but become obsessed with my weight. I claim I don't care what people think, but secretly I am constantly trying to be beautiful and dress to impress. School still is kind of a chore, but I am determined to do good. I have to get into college after all and if I fail I will be doomed for failure. I have a new found love with my bicycle and it becomes my salvation from the horrors of everyday life. I still want to be an actress. I audition for everything and despite getting cut several times I leave smiling and pressing on. My first play was the best moment of my life. I knew this is what I would be. My best friends and I were awesome and knew everything. My parents were just there to aggravate me and tell me things I couldn't do even though I was clearly responsible enough to do adult like things.There was constantly peer pressure to do the cool things like drugs and booze, but my heart was too good. This caused me a lot of grief and I became deemed one of the unpopular, dorky drama kids.
Age 18: I have no decided that alcohol is not as bad as I once considered it and that I actually enjoyed the consumption. Though I rarely did it because I was ill. I no longer am worried about getting into college, because I have been accepted for acting and though I still love acting I begin to realize that maybe I shouldn't be wasting my college education. I no longer feel as though I will be an actress for a career and begin to ween away from that promising myself it would be a side career. Boys are completely and totally aggravating. Dating is a headache full of heartbreak and though I find boys adorable sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the trouble. I hate my job, I hate responsibility, I'm confused about what life is all about, and I just want to go out with my friends and forget that I grew up. My mom becomes sick and my life is completely altered. I am obsessed with tea and will drink it anywhere at any time. I love adventures downtown and wish I was 21 so I could go to bars and know what it's like to party like a grown up instead of just going to 18+ places and having to get those ugly x's at bars when I go to shows. So unattractive. I still am close to my parents, but my friends have become more important. I feel lost.
Age 21: Awesome I can drink. I'm awesome. You all suck. I'm going to party like a rockstar and stay single and mingle. Nevermind, I have a boyfriend. Again. Always. I hate my boyfriend. Why do I date again? I miss my ex boyfriend.... Why does my boyfriend not permit me to hang out with my ex boyfriend? Why do my friends think I'm a tramp because I like to make out he's the one who took a break. Wait a break means we're still not allowed to do things? Screw that I'll make out with everyone, because I'm hot and 21. That was a painful break up, but that's what bars are for. Bars full of fun dancing, stripper poles, my girls, and lots of cute boys. Older mature boys go to bars, but as time progresses I realize what these older mature boys really want. They don't want to give me what I've always wanted from a boy they want to tempt me in other ways. Their make out sessions are there in hopes that more will come from it. I question how open I want to be. I feel like if I don't guys won't like me, but I have morals. I'm educated. I'm getting my masters. Why don't guys like smart, pretty, sweet girls? Why do they go for the nasty girl next to me who probably can't even spell her own name? I love being a rockstar though. My best friends and I love being rockstars too and being single for once feels really nice. I'm free. I've waited my entire life for 21 now what?
One short year later. I'm 22, nearly 23. My friends are no longer rockstars with me. My main rockstar is now happily married with a child. My best friend is in her first relationship and is happier than ever. Everyone has somebody. My other best friend I rarely see anymore he has made new friends. The only rockstar friends I have now are older than me and I'm the one to always find the men. It still is not difficult for me to get attention, but this rockstar is starting to feel lonely. Playing the field is no longer as exciting to me anymore, but as much as I want to find someone to be serious with it seems more difficult than it's worth. Mom's progressively gotten worse. I find myself working two jobs and attempting to complete a masters unsure of whether or not I am capable of doing all of this. I just continue to push forward in hopes that this will bring something wonderful. My new dream career is academia. Funny how at one point of my life I detested homework and now I love it. Instead of focusing on negative things and being lonely I focus on myself. I feel like I have to continue to do things to better myself. I am in love with vintage things, always was, but now am making that a huge part of my life. I hang out with my dad more than I hang out with my friends, because he just gets it. I need someone who just gets it and who can give me productive advice. Sometimes I still feel as though my friends are still naive. When my parents say no I refuse to listen and just do now. I'm an adult and it's time to live my life. I contemplate moving out on a daily basis and actually embrace the day that I will be completely responsible for myself. Responsibility no longer scares me.
It's kind of funny how we grow up. Seeing all my friends starting families and new chapters of their lives is really a beautiful thing and I know I have grown so much in the past several years. I feel as though life really does pass us by and this is why I have decided that I need to live more. I need to see the world more. I travel a lot on my own, because I want to see the world out there. We're only young once and though people say "you're a baby" before I know it another 10 years will go by and I may have a family. May not be able to do all of the things I once was able to do while young. Sure I don't have the funding to really support the things I would like to do, but that's what's great about being 22. I don't have to listen to my parents, but for now while I'm living with my parents I don't really pay that many bills. I am determined to just do things for myself and let life happen. It seems that the former "self" I was became consumed with defining the future. I have accepted that I can not alter the future, because it does not yet exist. I'm creating it and what better way create it then do things I am passionate about and love. I believe that in time I will be like my friends, but in the mean time I am going to live for me. My confidence and style has finally matched what I have always sort of desired and it makes me feel good when I look good. I am young and living my dreams and I really hope that someday I will become a professor. I know that if that is what the future has for me that it will be.
I suppose this blog was just a reflection of the progression of time. My new philosophy of life. Let it be.
Love always,
Alexis Zoe
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