It's so lovely to have you back.

My dearest and darling blog,

I almost lost you and the loss of you was actually more disheartening to me then my actual email (though my email was extremely vital to my life as well). I have distrust for the interwebs as of currently and distrust in nearly everything expect for the people in my life. It's as if inanimate objects that I can not directly communicate with, though some would argue I could communicate with, are in fact against me. Two of the things I once was so passionate about have now become more of a nightmare. Chicago is beautiful tonight, the air is crisp, the humidity has subsided for tonight due to a tremendous storm; but, I am trapped inside of my room only dreaming of the nights I used to take my car up to Wisconsin for a ride on nights such as these. I realized today while driving to work how afraid I've become of driving. It's quite sickening and I know eventually I will get over it, but I'm not sure I'll love driving in the same way that I used to. I trusted my car to get me somewhere safely and felt so free. The internet used to be a slight addiction for me as well. I felt good being able to disclose anything I wanted and open myself up more than I ever could in person. Now I'm fearful that some creep is reading my every thought and raiding my accounts. I suppose this is just a reminder that we are not invisible whether it be in our cars or online. Something awful is bound to happen eventually to give you a wake up call that you are not invisible and that being cautious is extremely important.

I'm no longer bored as easily I've found as well, which is one positive thing to be grateful for. When there was nothing to do at work I would sit there staring at my computer screen wasting nearly every moment online. Now I'm online, but I try to accomplish things. I enjoy working at a desk and having my own "office" space. As you can see I keep it a lot more tidy then my actual room though I do try to file and take care of all my precious articles. I'm running out of space for books and articles though and can't wait until I can be teaching and have my own office to store all my goodies in. I don't think I'd ever leave. I almost didn't want to leave the office today just so I could sit there and be productive. I feel as though with these upcoming opportunities I will inevitably become more productive. I know I will most likely burn out in time as I typically do, but I actually enjoy burn outs because it makes me feel as though I am working to my full potential and not letting anything get in the way of that. I think ambition is important and my parents are making me realize how important it is to me and how important it should be to nearly everyone. We won't get anywhere if we are lazy and don't try to keep ourselves busy. Sure it's fun to hang out with your friends and get out every once in a while, but you need to have responsibility as well. I like to think I've been quite responsible, but I feel as though working as much as I will be will only heighten me ability to be an adult and eventually leave my parents apartment. I don't want to leave them right away, because I am getting a head start here by not having to pay any real bills and for that I am forever grateful to them and in debt to them.

I just feel as though I have a lot of decisions to make about the direction I want to take in my life. We are the drivers in our own lives and we make the decisions of where we are going and where we are going to stop to take breaks. I feel as though I'm the fearful driver that I have actually become and that I'm hesitant to make bold moves and do what I feel is right even if it may not please everyone. I've let myself go been gaining a ton of weight, eating unhealthily, not writing as much as I should, not staying true to myself and I have an idea of why this is. I'm going to start turning this around, because I know I can't stay afraid or hesitant forever. I have to follow my heart on what I want out of my future and stop listening so much to others. I want to be beautiful and feel confident. I want to be successful and feel as though I don't have to worry about financial issues. I don't want to put in all the effort all the time. I want more than anything to get out into the world again and enjoy the beauty. I want to be a productive citizen and I want to inspire others to do so as well, because if we all try our hardest and work our hardest we become that much more satisfied with who we are. I will not let anyone knock me down. That is all. I shall write a more inspirational happierish post later perhaps!

Sincerely me,
Lexy