The quieter you become, the more you can hear.

 "Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way."

Church today was extremely inspirational despite having something embarrassing pop up. I know many of you will be shocked to hear that I actually have attended some services at a church. I want to make a disclaimer that I have not converted and am not intending to straight away. I was raised Jewish and have been extremely rooted in my faith. What I believe in my heart is that as long as you have faith in the lord then you are doing something right. I do not believe that any one religion is better than anyone else's and as church taught today one should not judge. It is ultimately not up to us to make judgments, but to let the lord make the final judgment. I really enjoyed this part of church, because I have always believed that we should not judge people. We are all people existing together. We all were sent here by g-d and though we choose different paths (not always the correct ones) we are all his children. We are blessed to be alive and we should help others who are in need and not judge people by who they are.

We so often judge people and actually avoid people because we've predetermined who they are. We are not ones to say whether a person is good or not. We can not judge a person based on what we see, because it's not righteous judgment. I love all people and feel we are all blessings to this world and I am hurt to see how awful we treat each other. I have been doing a lot of praying for not just the people that I love, but all the people in the world. I pray for the suffering, for those who are lost, and for anyone who just feels alone in this world. Even though you may not see them to be significant in your life they still exist, and still need others. As humans (by scientific theory) we group together in a desperate need to be with other people. We are social animals, but we are so much more than just animals. We group together because we long to understand our existence and by speaking to others and learning we are able to better understand why we are here and what our duties as humans are.

I do believe that there is something more for us all after this life. I can't believe what some do that we are nothing but mere molecular bodies that will eventually decay into earth. I do believe that our bodies will come back and that we will be perfect and that our insecurities will be erased in death. I look forward to that, but I still love living. I still love my mortal body and being alive and I've been struggling with some major decisions in my life. I really longed to go away to school my entire college career. PhD is my last opportunity to go away as a student and it's something I've wanted for so long. When I really look at my life right now and where I really need to be I know the answer. It's come to me. I love my mother and my father. I don't want to leave my little brother by himself should something happen to my mother. I have an obligation here, but the obligation isn't a negative one. It's a positive one, because I know my heart is full of so much love for my family that I just know the right thing to do is stay here. I don't have to live in Chicago my entire life and I don't know if I intend to, but for now this is where I need to be.

It hurts to feel so torn between two people and that's how I've been feeling lately. A part of me just wants to pack my bags and be with the man that I love and that I feel right with. The man that I can see myself actually having a future with and who I truly love with all of my heart. The other half feels as though I can't just abandon my family who have been there for me my entire life. Who I have decades of memories with and who I know will love me no matter who I become. It's a difficult struggle because going to be with my love gives me the chance to go to another school, but I just can't leave my mother. Tears are coming to my eyes just thinking about the pain I'd be in if I left and something happened to her. I know eventually we all die and I do believe that my mom will go to a better place and will get what she deserves in the end, because she is one of the most wonderful and loving mothers anybody can have. She has sacrificed everything in her life for her children and so has my father. They both deserve awards which I can not supply them with. I can only show how grateful I am to have them.

I know that if I keep being the person that I am and staying true to who I am that the answers will all come to me. Everything works out the way it is meant to in the end I truly believe that. If we work hard enough and never let failure push us backwards we can only continue to move forward. I am prepared to face anything that life has to offer to me, because I know that someday everything will be perfect. I know that someday I will be somewhere more gorgeous and wonderful than anyone can ever comprehend. That is enough to make me want to live my life to the fullest and be the best person that I can. I know that those who have passed are watching over me and want to guide me in the right direction to. I will never forget my Aunt or Grandmother and will always love those women (especially my aunt). My mother is my inspiration she fights so hard through such a tough struggle and I know that my petty problems are nothing compared to some. There is so much sadness, pain, and struggle in the world and I am blessed to have a man who loves me with all of his heart (and whom I love deeply and am eternally grateful for) and a family who will always be there for me even at my worst. I also have wonderful friends who make me feel loved and special and encourage me to be who I am.

Dear fellow habitants of this great world that g-d has created for us, please listen to others. Please have an open ear and an open mind and do not judge others. You never know what you may learn from others in the world if you just listen and you do not prejudge them. You could meet your best friend or the love of your life. Remember that we are all people and we all need each other. We all go through struggle and understand that life isn't always sweet, but often is sour. With the right combination of sweet and sour you can make a tasty treat and that treat is life. We are blessed to be able to feel guilt and sorrow, because when we feel joy we really feel joy. We appreciate all the good things that do happen to us and we are able to repent for the bad that we've done. If we live righteously we will get something better in the end and I intend to continue to be myself and live the way I've always seen fit and right. I know it will only lead me to good places in the end. Hope you all have a wonderful, and blessed Sunday.

Sincerely me,
Alexis Zoe