Star light, star bright.

First star I see tonight. Wish I may wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I wish.....

The office is a wonderful environment to be in and I enjoy doing work, but when I'm not doing things I'm typically reading academic journals and working on my thesis which is what I should rightfully be doing. I swear I have ADD of the mind though because random thoughts pop into my mind and then I go into internal mind tangents with myself. I was reading a piece about self disclosure that the fantabulous Tony Adams provided me with for my thesis and it mentioned two different types of information we can sure with one another. One is information that is pretty apparent information such as what color your hair is, what car you drive, if you are in a relationship, and all that fun snazzy information people love to gossip about. The other type of information not so easily seen is all your fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and weaknesses. Of course there is a lot more personal information you can share, but this type of information is typically only disclosed to individuals that the individual feels comfortable enough with as a growing experience with that person. It is a way to feel better and build bonds stronger than a mountain. The piece also discussed how this type of information is a choice. People ultimately have the power to commit the deliberate act of self disclosing and often people silence themselves in fear. Well if I haven't been saying something for years!

I found this interesting because I'm writing about silencing oneself and here I am disclosing nearly every piece of information that has sentimental meaning to me. All information that I hardly ever talk about while out with friends, to my parents, or even my boyfriend. Today I was writing a part of my thesis, which involves my own experience as well as others of having a parent with an advanced form of cancer. I look at how individuals choose to disclose and when writing I discovered something about myself that I never really had thought was a problem up until now. I disclose with paper and pen, computer screen with software allowing me to write, and any other writing tool. I can not disclose to people as easily, so now I'm conflicted and unsure of myself. Unsure of whether this is really self disclosure or me just talking to myself, because I'm most comfortable with myself. I went through the painful experience of hearing my mothers diagnosis all over again in my thesis. It hurt to write about it, but I knew it had to be included I felt it was right. I suppose it was a way of me expelling some of my own troubles to make me "feel" better. Disclosing is important because it allows people to feel better both mentally and physically, but does it count if it is in a diary or blog? Am I really disclosing? Is it the same? Now I'm conflicted about my own research project because I intend to conduct email and phone interviews and a few in person interviews, but are they really disclosing if I'm not seeing them?

See I went off in another tangent and my intention for my blog was not to do so. I actually really wanted to discuss my disappointment that I will never be good at everything I want to be. For example, my brothers are both amazing with musical instruments something I've always had a deep desire to be good at. I have attempted to play guitar and it is quite the scene. And as far as drums go I have absolutely no rhythm what so ever. Which brings me to my next disappointment I can't dance! I don't care how much Vivian or anyone pleads with me that I in fact can dance, because I can't. I suppose I should just accept it is in my genetics as a not only white person, but a JEWISH person. I am sorry to insult my people, but we really can't dance. Probably worse than anyone else I know. Dota would be so amazing to dance to if I didn't flail my arms like a hibachi and make up silly dance moves in the hopes nobody will notice how terrible I really am.

Dota! The song I secretly long to dance to.

One thing I believe myself to be good at is writing, because I've been doing it for almost my entire life. I am however terrible at grammar. In middle school I would win every spelling bee. I was the reigning champ, nobody could take me down. I knew when to use words properly and my commas did not just erupt from nowhere. My English teachers adored me and I knew all the kids were secretly jealous of my grammatically flawless self. As I progressed through high school my grammar became worse. I began not really knowing whether or not I was spelling or using a word correctly. I put commas were I felt they looked like they should be rather than placing them properly. Not only was my spelling and grammar atrocious without spell check, but I began to mispronounce words and continue to do so present day. I've used spell check about three times in this paragraph alone!

Hm, all of a sudden my mind has gone off onto a new thing and I'm not interested in furthering this blog :P. I'm going to write something else! Have a nice night all.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe thinks a lot.