I used to be extremely disappointed if I was unable to catch a fish while fishing. I tried to pinpoint why exactly I cared so much about catching a fish. Some fishing days just aren't good ones if the fish don't bite nobody is going to have a good fishing day. It doesn't make you any less of a fisherman (or woman). I began to think back to the main reason I ever even wanted to go fishing. I mean when I tell my friends I tear apart worms, touch craw-fish, and hook chicken livers they were disturbed that such a girly girl would do such things. My friends, though they do not appear to be as glamorous as I, are just as glamorous if not more. This is to be expected though right? I mean I'm from Park Ridge Illinois a very ritzy area. When my friends ask me why I enjoy doing such gruesome things and how I can even touch a fish I respond that I enjoy spending time with my father and not having anything to worry about for a few hours. I enjoy being outside and seeing how beautiful and jaw dropping the world really is. Mother nature world that is. The smell of the fresh air clearing my lungs from the Chicago polluted air, the feeling of grass blades in between my toes, and the crisp blue water. It's indescribable being outside with somebody that you love and that loves you just as much. My dad taught me everything I know about fishing and it's one of my favorite past times.
Today I was a bit tense and my dad could sense this. He told me to just relax and that I just have to take each day one at a time. It has been difficult for me to do so with the world on my shoulders. I want to pretend that I'm completely and utterly sane at the moment, but I can't say that I am. Well I'm not what you would consider insane, but I'm stressed out about a lot of things. I know that there is a reason everything is happening all at once and that sometimes we just have bad luck, but it's inflicted fear. Fear is something that I do a lot of research about, because I feel that fear is the most limiting emotion we can experience. As most of you know I am like a bird. I like to soar and be fearless, make fast turns, and dive hundreds of feet without knowing exactly what will happen. I feel as though I've become a bird with my wings clipped. Stumbling on the ground wondering why I'm not in the magnificent sky soaring. Wondering when I will be my normal bird self and be able feel the air wisp past me, conquering the skies. It's scary being in a situation you are not accustomed to, but until I find a way to fix my clipped wings I have to keep searching and never give up otherwise I will never be up in the pretty blue skies again. That's enough to motivate me and suppress the fear. Fishing kind of helps me and is a remedy to this fear.
Like I said I used to care how many fish I caught. Today I only caught one fish, which would have normally upset me. Today I didn't care I was just happy to have caught one fish. Even when my line snagged or I lost bait to a fish I was happy and enjoying just being there. Just casting my reel and waiting. My snow cone my dad bought me even fell when I was half finished and instead of being all bummed out I just said to my dad that's g-ds way of saying I wasn't meant to eat the rest of that snow cone. Maybe the rest was poison or something. We both laughed together and enjoyed our father daughter time. Not many people have such amazing fathers. As I study gender differences and analyze my own experiences I realize that there are not that many good men in this world. The media and other formats have oversexualized males beyond the point of no return. Men have become less moral, less respectful of women, and not as family driven as they once where. Romance has died in relationships and people take advantage of having somebody good in their lives. I've seen so many relationships fail and so many settle. It's sad that people don't even do the simplest of things to make someone know that they are cared about or loved. When I do see couples that are happy it gives me hope and makes me happy! I know there are good men out there because I have two really wonderful men in my life. I'm blessed to have a father who loves me and who does the most he can for his family. I have a boyfriend who lets me know on a daily basis that he loves me he never fails to do so. Even if I lose one or both of these men I'm blessed to have known them and had them in my life, because they give me hope that other men are like them. Not just hope for myself, but for other women that I care a lot about.
I really am in this weird, twisted, writing mood today. I suppose it's because I am in one of those "I want to make sense of everything and anything" moods. I now cannot afford to go to my Minnesota Conference (which is extremely disappointing to me), but NCA is much more important and I have to save my limited funds for what is important. If I can get the job I applied for or something and save some money I would be able to travel more, but it's just so difficult. This economy really is mind blowing, but I know someday soon I will have a nice job with a nice salary. It's just a matter of waiting it out. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of this holiday Monday. :]
<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe
No comments:
Post a Comment