So many things that I miss dearly.

I suppose music brings back memories and it would in fact be best if I did not insist on listening to old tunes. Tonight I was listening to Enya, Titanic, Sarah McLachan, and many other mellow songs. These songs bring me back to a time where I was internally miserable. I know many of you consider me to be somewhat inspirational, but I am far from it. At one point in my life I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to talk to me. I had so much self hatred and such little confidence in myself that I only ended up hurting myself in the end. I allowed myself to become involved with the wrong people (though I still managed to stay good in the midst of it all) and allowed people to walk all over me. I still have my insecurities, everybody does. What I have learned is that we must love ourselves even our little insecurities. I know that I am not perfect, but I am okay with that. I have accepted who I am and though I still make mistakes and get disappointed in myself I know that I will counteract that with just as much good. These songs remind me of all of the things I miss doing as well in the past. They don't just bring back the sadness I experienced but what I did in part because of all the experiences I had.

One of the main things that I find I miss more than anything is helping others. I used to enjoy spend hours helping teens in need of guidance in their lives. Teens who were abused both sexually and physically, who had eating disorders, and who dealt with the hardships of being in that age group. Kids are mean and I can attest to that. I was the kid that people made fun of in high school. I didn't have many friends, but I never let that get me down in front of them. I stayed strong and I treasured the friends I did have so much more than anyone could imagine. I felt alone a lot of the time though, and I made a deal to myself that I would not let people feel as though they were alone. That I would devout some of my life to letting others know that they could talk to me in during desperate times and not have to be afraid of being judged. We all have our own stories and we all have explanations for events in our lives. Just because we make mistakes or have hardship does not make us any less of a person. I am going to try and dedicate at least an hour a day to helping people again, because I felt so good doing so. When you can make someone smile or say thank you I feel better that is the most beautiful and awarding thing ever. It's better than any monetary award. Just knowing that you could do something good and positive for someone is so amazing and if we could all help each other out more it would be a lot less sad of a world.

Another thing I miss is acting. I feel as though money and worries about school and work have caused me to give up a little on my acting endeavors. If I could afford to live in LA and pursue my dream I would in a heartbeat. I have always had a passion for acting and I know deep in my heart that I am wonderful at it. The reason that I feel I am is because I am compassionate and I really do try to understand the core emotions of that particular character. I miss being on the stage or on a movie/tv set, but mostly the stage. Theatre was something that brought great joy to my life. I memorized lines like nobodies business and became the character. It was a way for me to expel my own emotions as well as do something that made me happy. I really wish I could get involved more, but for now I need to focus on making money for my future. Someday I know I will go back to it and be active as ever. I'd love to even direct kids plays someday or something fun like that!

I also missed eating healthy and working out. I'm slowly getting back on track and I already feel a million times better. Our food industry practically poisons us and for a while I was really adamant about reading food labels and never eating fast food. Since I've gotten back into the dating/relationship scene for the past year or so I have become extremely unhealthy and have even stopped being vegetarian something that was extremely important to me for nearly 5 years. Three of those which were constant. I really am going to cut back on my meats (especially red meats) and eat healthy. This was my lunch the other day and it was fabulous! Yes I make my own homemade smoothies. Jamba Juice has nothing on me :). This is the way we should eat and from now on I am having a fruit smoothie for breakfast and eating lots of yummy vegetables. One thing that I am completely guilty of is eating at night, especially after workouts. When I am hungry after workouts instead of eating sweets and defeating the purpose of my workout I have been munching on watermelon. You can't go wrong with a food that is nearly all fiber and water! I feel filled and satisfied. Plus watermelon is the most refreshing food to eat after a workout! I'm also going to make myself run 13 miles a week because I intend to run a half marathon in 2011 which has been my dream for such a long time!. I typically run 3-5 miles a day depending on my mood, but I just need to keep up and go at minimum 4 days a week to the gym.

The last thing I miss is writing endlessly and spending time with my family and friends. I feel as though I sometimes get anti social and use writing as an excuse to stay home. Though I stay home I typically do not get any writing done and I used to pump out 20 pages in one sitting. I know that I need to be proactive and sometimes going out helps to clear your mind and put your life into perspective. I have always felt that keeping busy makes you a more productive person in general. It's when I sit at home and am lazy that I notice I get nearly nothing done. Anywho, it's 1 am and I should be asleep. I just want to wish my mother a wonderful 60th birthday (and I hope she doesn't get upset that I mentioned her age on my blog!) She is the most beautiful and strong person I know. She informed my brother and I that we are the reason she is here because we give her so much love. That nearly put me in tears, because I feel as though I lack a substantial amount of love at times. Mom you have many more birthdays to share with us and you are beautiful inside and out. I love you and I hope you're birthday is as amazing as you are!

Night my darlings <3
Alexis Zoe