Hopelessly Pessimistic

I'm sure we've all to some degree felt alone in our lives and as though no one truly was there for us. I suppose that is the perfect way to describe how I am feeling tonight. I want to conquer all I do, but I find it difficult on my own. It's tiring constantly attempting to fight battles and struggles being the captain with no army behind you. I'm constantly listening and keeping promises to others and I feel like many people take advantage of that. I try too hard and I guess people are right I am too nice. The thing is I can't seem to help it. Something will bother me and a lot of times I just want to scream and tell people how I feel but I suppress myself.

Suppression is a pretty constant part of my life I guess it's because I am so terrified of losing people. In the process of not expressing how I feel I tend to distance myself or act in a way that causes just the thing that I am so terrified of.  I guess I'll let it out here, because written word is the only place I feel comfortable to express my emotions. Written words can never run away from me or leave me. They will forever be embedded within my life and if words were human I would be forever grateful for them. I feel as though my friends, family, just about everyone isn't there for me when I am constantly there for them. I don't even feel comfortable talking to people I've known for years about how I really feel because I rarely see or hear from them unless I put in an effort and when I do put in that effort they tend to just discuss their own problems. I always listen and when they are done they are done with me. I remember everything and act on all my promises and people rarely do the same for me. It makes me feel like I hold no importance to anyone. I want to feel important, but in all honesty I just don't. I just feel like the girl who puts in all the effort to get nothing in return.

I feel like if its convenient I'll be squeezed in. If I'm in need or request something of someone it is often denied or just burdensome to that person. Oh well I'm too exhausted to bother writing I'll deal with my demons with some movies. Negative post and I don't care. Not like anyone will bother reading it.

Lexy