It has been far too long since my last blog and I feel compelled to write though it is beautiful out and I should be taking a stroll and riding Spidey. Spidey is my best friend during such weather, because I am able to ride around on my bicycle and take in the world. Chicago may be highly polluted, but when I ride up north or by the lake it is surreal. My whole body and mind feel at peace as I whiz past the whirling winds. It is a time where my mind stops thinking about such complex ideologies for a moment and takes in the world as a simple place full of simple things. If only we could see the world in such a way and take in the beauty instead of being so locked up in the cages that are our minds and lives.
Sometimes I feel as though I am incapable of anything and I know this statement may shock some of you who think that I am capable of nearly everything. I understand my theory that only you could stop yourself from doing what you want in life, but at the same time I often feel incapable and under qualified. Perhaps this because I have yet to accomplish something great or because I am quite young still and have much more to experience in life. I suppose I'm feeling this way because I am so uncertain and unsure about my own emotions. I can't quite figure out what girl I am inside or perhaps I feel like a girl who doesn't really fit in this world. Or maybe I just aspire for too much and only set myself up for disappointment. I've had a lot of let downs in life and each time I've come out okay, but maybe this is problematic. Maybe I shouldn't allow myself to have so many let downs.
I have been really questioning what I am doing with my life lately. Qualitative methods are what speak to me, but I find myself afraid to explore these new types of study. I am so accustomed to one type. Two days ago when speaking about autoethnography I felt at home. This is the type of research I had always wanted to do, but did not think was scholarly. I find myself wanting to conduct more of this type of research, but I'm not sure how to approach and and the uncertainty is somewhat getting to me. I suppose that is what I need to focus on when on my search for a PhD program. Maybe not so much just autoethnography, but an ethnographic study I can conduct to force myself to understand and grow. I feel this type of research can change and teach far more than numbers because it comes from experience. We all experience things and attempt to make sense of it, but often we can't. We put ourselves in situations where we wonder if anyone else has experienced it. There are other people who experience much of what other humans experience, but often they feel alone. These types of studies can expose that they are not alone! I accept that we all experience things differently then others, and interrupt events not in the same fashion but this type of research acknowledges that these types of experiences do occur at least! We can be open to how others dealt or handled certain situations that will perhaps teach us more about ourselves.
My goal in life, if anything, is to teach people and help them. I have always been a very selfless person wanting others happiness before my own. I guess that's why I've allowed myself to experience so much hurt in the past, but I'm starting to realize that it can't always be one sided. However, I find myself in a terrible predicament. I am so accustomed to being silent and being what makes another happy at the time that I feel more awful when I vocally express my emotions. The other day I called my dad and told him exactly how I felt in regards to our relationship and ended up hanging up on him for yelling so much. Then I sat in my car and cried in disgust with myself for being so horrid to my father. How could I? I called him back and began to cry and told him that I loved him and that I just felt used a lot at home and not by him and that I understood.... It completely defeated the purpose of me standing my ground and so I continue to be the same way. I feel awful right now for something that I don't feel like going public about on the internet. It isn't important for everyone to know my business. I wish I hadn't said anything right now and I am completely beating myself up.
I think I will go back to helping people and working my hardest to make others happy. It seems that's what my purpose in life is and what I was made to do. Sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your own happiness in order to prevent others from experiencing pain. Please don't tell me that it is wrong for me to do such things, because I have learned today that it is who I am. I'm a Jew, but I believe Jesus died for everyone's sins... He sacrificed himself. I'm not comparing myself to Jesus, but I feel like I'd rather sacrifice myself for the good of people.
That's not just because I don't care about my own happiness, its because I believe that there is good in everyone. I really, truly believe that everyone has good intentions and feelings. Maybe the only people I don't feel that towards are those who molest innocent children, but there is most likely a deep rooted reason behind that as well... I know what is important in my life and always have. I guess I just grew up faster than I should have. Right now I'm giving some friends advice and attempting to look at the situation in every perspective possible to give them the most sufficient advice and it's actually making me feel better about myself. Ironically, but I just love doing all I can for people. In the end if I can make everyone happy I would even if it meant my own demise. We should all attempt to help others even if we do feel selfish sometimes. Helping one person can make them feel like the world. It is important to make those you love the most feel wonderful. Too many tears are shed in this world... Too much pain is experienced... Too many bad deeds occur because people are wrong done or felt alone.
Love the people you love with everything you have inside and focus on that. We can't save the world... It's far too large. I have given up on my dream to "save" the world, because despite the terribleness in the world that's what makes the little things that much more beautiful. Norstdrom had a walk without your shoes day to raise awareness about children in third world countries not having shoes. Most of the people were disgusted by the idea and this saddened me... We obviously can't comprehend or want to understand other cultures so if we stay so close minded nothing will get solved. We take advantage of little things like having a pair of shoes. Some kids would do anything for a pair of shoes to protect their feet. Everyone appreciate the little things... Prioritize in your lives, because we can't help the world.
Sometimes you have to sacrifice for those you love, for their happiness. You have to be willing to and you have to think about what is really important to you in your life.... This isn't as easy as it sounds when you actually sit down and reflect on your life. Life can be simplified you just have to work out all the kinks and complexities to get to where you want to be in life. Only you can control your destiny so make sure you make the decisions that will make you grow the most in your life.
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe <3
No comments:
Post a Comment