Just going to stand there and watch me burn.

But that's alright, because I love the way it hurts. Just gunna stand there and hear my cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie. Love the way you lie.

I typically am not a fan of rap music because it simply is too distasteful for my taste. I mean someone who is fighting to eradicate women being looked at purely sexual objects and treated as though they are in fact objects should be completely and utterly disgusted with the genre of music. Plus endless slews of vulgarities is not very attractive. Though I find these vulgarities and getting with the "b" quite disturbing I always look at an artist like Eminem and can't help but respect him for his talent. His new album is currently the number one slot and this is not shocking to me in the least bit. His songs actually speak and raise awareness and I truthfully believe this. This song is meant to raise awareness of domestic violence (from what I have interpreted and analyzed it to do) and I think that it shows the other side of domestic violence. It paints the picture of what a real life unhealthy relationship is and allows people to see how painful it can. This song is emotional and as my friend and I listened to it repeatedly in our car parked in the forest across from my place we couldn't help but get emotional and speak about our own lives. It was a beautiful thing and I realized something about myself in that car speaking openly finally about my life. Telling them both what I have done in the past that has actually driven me off the deep end. Explaining how awful it is to hold onto feelings and get involved with someone just as a "flings".

From my experience a fling involves emotions whether you want to deny it or not. Someone or both parties always have feelings for the other or each other. In the end you feel as though you have just wasted your time and feel disgusted with yourself for being so foolish. In that car I realized how proud of myself I was and how strong I was for all that I had given up and stopped putting up with this year. No matter how strong I appeared to be during that period of "giving up" I was not. I was miserable. I didn't feel beautiful at all and I really believed I would be alone forever. I figured my intelligence had doomed me to never be able to be "normal", but then I remembered reading an academic piece (which I can not recall currently) that questioned what normalcy really was. Everyone see's normal in a different way. What I find normal my friends informed me was NOT normal. That I was becoming the "pushing away" type. That I typically insult people without even realizing I am doing it. I could blame my relationships for that or my family or even reading too much, but that would be silly. Of course life experiences do influence your life they shape who you are they do not define you, but the difference here is the term shape. Shape means to transform and sculpt into; whereas, define means to become definite. In other words, someone becomes their past and lives in it. They allow their experiences to permanently mold them into something. Shaping just means molding you differently into something new and fresh.

I've been stuck somewhere in the middle and I am not going to blame my past for it. I am going to blame myself, because that is really the only person to blame in the end. I know this is going to sound really emo as people would say and I am skeptical to expose myself to such vulnerability through a simple little blog, but it was my own insecurity and fear that held me back my entire life. I always secretly envied people who could just take off and do whatever they wanted in life. I always felt as though I had some sort of responsibility and that I had to take care of things. In a sense I do more so then a lot of people my age, but that does not mean I have to put my own life on hault. I'm extremely afraid the next portion I am about to admit, but it has something I have needed to just let out for a while.

I never felt beautiful. By never I mean not ever until now that is. My first relationship was a persons worst nightmare and ruined my conception of what a relationship was. I felt ugly, betrayed, hurt, and afraid. I was unsure if anyone would ever love me as much as he did. I become a dependent something I never wanted to become. Something I grew to hate and from then on I was afraid to talk to another male, he controlled me. He convinced me that I was never going to find anyone to ever stick around with me. I believed him and stayed and got myself in a situation that was huge precursor for what my future would become and who I would be for a long time. I can't say it was all so bad, because I found writing because of it all. It began as horror stories that reflected my own life. It was a way for me to vent without having to tell anyone my troubles. It was a way to keep that pretty smile on my face when I didn't think that pretty smile could last or be convincing enough to others. I didn't want people to know my private life for a long time. I kept it all bottled away and began to become withdrawn from people slowly as he became more and more controlling.

After years of self-hatred and pain I left. I left and was stalked. I had been afraid for quite a while after that and I still sometimes feel threatened. It took a lot of help from friends and my family to get back on my feet and when I did I realized what my duty was in life. I was here to help others who had to suffer from anything I experienced. I knew it was my duty to help not only people who needed me because they felt they depended on someone or something to be happy, but I needed to help myself as well. I worked on myself for years to get where I am today and these past few months have really made me see myself as beautiful. More than ever people have been complimenting me and not just on my looks, but my personality. I feel like I am a beautiful person and that people do care about me. I feel loved for once in my life and not afraid of anything. I am fearless, and I'm not afraid of getting hurt anymore, because I know that the people who are in my life DO love me and I am so blessed.

I want every girl who feels or have felt ugly, afraid, and alone to not have to experience it alone. So many women end up battered continuously, verbally abused, followed, sexually assaulted, and even dead all because they think they depend on someone who doesn't really love them. They only cause more torment and fear towards other men who are good men. Who won't hurt them and would never think about anyone else but them. They set themselves up for failure in future relationships and they will never be happy with the person that they are. I didn't want to become something ugly, because I knew deep down there was something amazingly beautiful inside that longed more than just being called names or hurt. If someone even thinks about doing such things I will protect myself and stand up for myself, because I'm not the horrible person that people have told me I am. The people who love me in my life see me as beautiful. Sure we fight sometimes and annoy one another from time to time. Any relationship you have in life (family, friends, romantic) there will always be some bickering, but that person will always work things out and never degrade you. They will stick by you even in the worst times and even when you look you're worst they will still think your gorgeous as ever.

Why? Because love is not about how the person appears. Love is something that comes from within and no matter how hard things become you are willing to fight for the one you love. You can only fall in love with a pretty face or body for so long. It's not about how perfect someone is, but how imperfect they are. Their flaws and silly quirks are usually the most interesting. Love involves growing so much more than you ever thought you could alongside another person. Love means never having to be afraid and knowing that you are beautiful. Feeling how they feel without even having to say it, because you just know. You don't have to cry alone, laugh alone, do crazy fun adventures alone, or live alone. It's the most beautiful feeling that has destroyed and pained so many people, but is worth it in the end. I promise you ladies that are suffering out there you will get over this and you will find someone who gives you all of these. It makes me sad how many people settle and aren't really that in love. Sure love tones down a bit after years of being with someone else, but you still always have this deep caring feeling for that individual. I don't want to ever settle I want to do what my heart tells me is right. I feel like so far my heart is leading me on the right path and I am the happiest I could ever be.

I am beautiful. I am beautiful because I see people in pain and feel sympathy for them and want to help them. I am beautiful because I care so deeply for the ones I love in my life and would sacrifice almost anything for their happiness. I have fun, unique style and have always been proud of my bangs and I don't care who doesn't like them there's plenty who do. They are a part of who I am. I am not the thinnest person, but I have confidence in my walk and curves are naturally beautiful. I'm beautiful because I want them best for people and hate being selfish more than anything. I'm beautiful because I never plan on changing the person I am. The passionate, self made, dedicated, strong, and loving person that I am for anyone. I am willing to fight for what I believe in no matter how impossible it may seem. I will never give up and I will live my dreams and I'm beautiful because I have a heart that endlessly will love. Loving yourself (not in a conceited, stuck up way) is the most beautiful and best present you can give yourself, because in the end if you do not love the person you are and what you are becoming then you can never make anyone else happy. You will only drag them down with you and that is what being truly selfish means. Besides why drag others down a sad path when you can give others countless amounts of happiness and love :]! It makes for a happier world.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe