The world of a life-long student

I don't know whether watching endless amounts of the notebook clips to sappy love songs has compelled me to write this blog at 1:23 A.M. when I have to be up by 6 A.M. to teach tomorrow, or if it is the vast amount of work that has led me to pure insanity which has ultimately led me to use my writing as my venting tool. All I know is it's fall and I am happy.These days I seem to rely on people rather than my own self reflection to heal though I suppose this is part of the natural grieving process. Perhaps years of relying solely on my writing to cure my internal pains and troubles has led me to melt down weekly. At times I wonder if I am being abnormal, but then I remember what my two sessions with a therapist were like. As I entered the room I found myself analyzing her.

"The whole purpose of seeing someone is so that you can vent. Do not analyze yourself Alexis. Quit. It." I found my mind battling with itself to sit still and be quiet for once in it's overactive life.

The therapist sat analyzing what I communicated to her. This was all too familiar to me, the process of analysis.

"You are extremely hard on yourself. Do you realize that most people who have went through all you have would not be getting out of bed right now? You continue to survive you are the true definition of what that means. You have spent the last year of your life working two jobs, going full time for your M.A., writing a thesis, and watching your mom pass away in pain. You are a survivor." The therapist said encouraging me.

Like I hadn't gotten the comment too hard on yourself. As if I had no idea the struggles I faced, yet I failed to see how most people would fall down and not get back up. I simply refuse to ever be knocked down, but some days I feel knocked down. My mother was my everything. I suppose I stopped writing blogs because my mother was my main target audience. Every blog I wrote she'd smile and tell me what a wonderful writer I was. My mother saying this spoke volumes, because she was my greatest critic. What perhaps makes my experience that much more difficult is my interest area in research. I find that I have become one of the participants in the countless studies I have read. I have become a part of the patterns, and though I attempt to refuse my new identity role I can't escape it.

I will never have my mother at my wedding, thus my wedding has become meaningless to me. I fit typical gender roles as a child, always dreaming of prince charming. At seven I was convinced I would someday marry my hot, blonde, neighbor who's sisters babysat us. When he'd come over I'd put on my best dress up cloths, plastic high heels, and beg my mother to permit me to wear make up. Needless to say I was a knock out to this much older and mature male who I deemed my future husband. As I grew up I found myself searching consistently for prince charming only to be left heartbroken, abandoned, and dealing with my mother's death alone. My aspirations for prince charming diminished with failed relationships, reading journal articles, and coming to understand that there was no such thing as prince charming. That love songs and movies were fantasies to feed the mind with false hope.

The more I think about love, life, loss, and happiness I find that it is ultimately up to you to define these things to what you hold true. I may never have prince charming, but that isn't what is important. What do I desire? I believe that death of someone so amazing and dear to my heart has taught me what I really do want out of life. I want my own personal success, but I also want someone who is just as proud of me as my mother was. No one will ever love me or think as highly of me as my own mother, but I know that out there someone will be proud of me. Watching the notebook clips made me come to a new realization. I don't want extravagant. I don't want to be spoiled. I want someone to enjoy the simple things in life with. I want to watch sunsets, go to pumpkin patches, take long drives, have little flowers picked from outside laying on my bed in the morning after a night of cuddling and conversing about life, and I want to feel happy just doing whatever. It isn't about what you have, it is about who you have. I was blessed enough to have someone who loved me with everything they were for 22 years of my life. I still have several people alive who care about me and who consistently sacrifice for me. My dad works his butt off to show us that he will provide and do anything he can. I have a brother who is the strongest kid I know who reminds me so much of my mom's kind heart. I have the love of so many people and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Life isn't intended to be perfect. We are imperfect and we all must suffer turmoil at some point in our lives. I just want to remind everyone of my love for them and that you don't have to have a picture perfect life for it to be wonderful. I live with a smile on my face and constantly fighting past the struggles, because that is what my mom would do and did. She fought a battle for 5 years, hardly ever complaining with courage and I hope to model her so that I can keep her memory alive and let the world see what a tremendous mentor and best friend I had. With tears in my eyes I finish this blog and hope to remind you all to take a moment to step back and take a deep breath of fresh air and remember how beautiful the simple things are.

<3
Alexis Zoe

If I fall would you pick me up?

I feel a though I have needed a trip down memory lane recently and I can't quite comprehend this desire to tap into my past, but I'm glad that I have. It's incredible how at certain points in life people feel as though they will never survive. They are unable to see their future, but so desperately wish to know where they will end up. As for myself, I seemed to be a motivated and willing young woman who wanted nothing more than to understand where I would be beyond the undergraduate level. Would I go to law school and make my mother the happiest woman in the world? Would I be in graduate school. I suppose one of my paths did continue on and my life hasn't shifted gears all that much. How ever will I survive? Will I find the man of my dreams? Will I be thin and beautiful.

I have transformed. This transformation has taken years from the initial transformations into my teenage years. My life has changed tremendously, but I am still following that path I set out for. I still am motivated to get through my studies and this is something I have successfully been able to hold onto throughout the years. My life once was driven by falling in love, how thin I could become, and being successful. Sometimes it takes something as tragic as death to truly comprehend what is important within ones own life. I have discovered where true happiness lies. It doesn't exist within love and affection from men, or being thin and beautiful, and it certainty does not exist within our educational systems. What creates ultimate happiness? Accepting your life for what it is. Accepting that things are not going to be perfect and that even those who appear to be perfect are imperfect. True happiness comes from satisfaction in the self and the way in which you chose to live your life.

I will forever be faulty. There will never be a prince charming, because prince charming does not exist. The right person for me will come in due time, but for now I have accepted that men are men. They can be good hearted and wonderful, but they have their own motivations and expectations for their happiness. A woman can not anticipate a male to give her everything or treat her like a princess because they are not princes. I am not at thin as I was and there it would not be right to deny that I am unhappy with my body. Each day I look at myself I am disgusted by what I have become, but I have also not done as much work as I once did to achieve the self image I desired. I have truly become a reflection of the term "letting yourself go." I can sit here and blame all the tragedy for it, but in essence I have the ability to change what I have allowed to happen to my body. Will I obsess or be unhealthy to achieve what I believe the world finds beautiful? Not at all. I need to take care of my body and be healthy. Fat is not healthy, but doing extreme things in order to achieve desired weight loss is worse. Is school the only lover I shall ever know? Will education dictate the kind of person I am? Not in the least. School is my way of explaining phenomenon, which I am unable to clearly understand. I am constantly thinking in hopes to make sense of the world and school allows me to do this. I find that most people I have encountered do not wish to speak of such things, thus I have found a medium where I can allow my mind to be free and liberated.

I still find beauty in the simple things, much like my past self did. I still wish to become a better person and continue to strive to do so much more than what is expected of me. Why? Because my happiness lies in accomplishing new challenges that are thrown at me. I strive for more than just settling and wish to do all which my heart desires. I don't need to be perfect to achieve these things. I don't even need someone by my side, but I'm afraid that though I claim I do not need people I do. I have learned that it is okay to admit that you need people in your life it is when you rely on them for your happiness that issues arise. Overall, I am satisfied with my life and intend to get back to where I once was. I know that these things take time and that as humans we must learn the rule of patience. For patience will enable us to accomplish all as long as we are willing to give up the time to get there.

<3
Alexis Zoe

Will you always Remember?

Dearest friend,

Will you never fail to remember my name? Will you always keep me in  your mind when we reach points of life that seem bleak? I will take your hand and stand by your side always. Nothing can match the tremendous amount of love I have for you. If it is any consolation please just remember that you are not alone. You are never alone.

The epitome of reflection. Notes from old friends, memories that seem to resemble nothing but a shattered mirror. Our pasts become fragments, which we recreate the way we see them. Our minds are powerful tools, which enable us to convince ourselves that something happened in a particular way, which may not be at all accurate to actual history. Just as we attempt to put our shattered mirrors back together, history does in the same fashion. Does anyone really know what happens? Does anyone really understand where we are in our own lives?

I was awoken this morning by a storm. When I awoke I looked outside to see a world encased in gray. Black nor white existed and the only light produced was the lightening. I placed my hand on the glass door and felt a tear trickle down my eye. When it rained I always thought the angels cried. It was my crafty way of explaining why rain existed, but when I looked outside I wondered if my mom was crying for me. This sounds quite depressing, but it is not. I was able to talk yesterday about my feelings and I have a new found knowledge of what is actually going inside my mind.

I'm a thinker, an analyst. I find pleasure in attempting to predict the future when I have come to realize we can't really predict anything, nor can we explain anything. I have to say goodbye and let go. As much as that pains me I can't hold onto the hope that my mom will come back or give me a sign, because she won't. My future is not able to be predicted, because anything can happen. I can die tomorrow, lose my friends, or find out that I just won a bunch of hello kitty stuff. Life can be both positive in negative in nature, but it isn't about what life throws at you it is being able to be a survivor. The person I spoke with told me that I was a survivor that despite the hardship I was on my feet, determined to push forward.

I had been hard on myself these past few months questioning my intelligence, questioning whether or not I was capable of doing much of anything. I gave myself a death sentence before my own death. I had done what I had so often discouraged before and just lived to be alive. There was no purpose, no meaning, no motivation to do much of anything. I had become something I hardly recognized. I was no longer the woman that I aspired to become and I had become lost in the abyss of simply living. I had forgotten what had once made me happy, but I am slowly getting back to who I once was and am feeling as though motivation is starting to come back. I am a woman who never gives up in the face of defeat, and though I have had some humps in the road I got over them and still remain standing.

It's time to be the person I aspire and encourage myself to be. We all live our lives the way we see suiting. I want to help people and use my writing to do just that. My writing has enabled me to get very far in life, and when I was alone I had my blogs and written form to help get me through the troubling times. My mom was able to see the person I was through my blogging and writing. She saw the heart and soul I had. I'm not a perfect person. I don't always say things that are agreeable to people, but I try to live my life as kindly as possible. I do not have the intention of hurting others, nor do I wish to be something I am not. I will speak my mind, but I will not change for someone. Accepting who you are is the biggest struggle to get over in life, but it is vital to always be yourself and never allow that to change.

My memories are just projections of who I was, but do not define who I am. I am Alexis Waters. I am going for my PhD. I place high value on helping others, because I feel too often we go through problems alone. The people in my life I'd do anything for and I treat well. I wish I could have done more for my mom. I hope that the world will be a better place in time, because I believe people are inherently good. I'm a nerd who loves spiderman, because Stan Lee's comics have taught me so much about myself and how to live with integrity. That is all I love you all.

<3
Alexis Zoe

I hope you dance.

That which once was beautiful to me seems to have turned into a black abyss. The waves crash towards me and as each hits I feel a pain strike my heart. The radiant glow my heart once produced slowly dulls, causing my mind to slowly evaporate. The world no longer becomes full of questions that my mind so furiously tries to answer, but becomes full of painstakingly unwillingness to do much of anything.

"It appears," I begin muttering to myself "as though I have lost more than I initially thought."

I stand walking towards the darkness as cold consumes my body. The cold usually bothers me, but now I feel as though my world is cold and almost have grown a new immunity to it. I remember the waves of Lake Michigan the day my Mother passed away. Lake Michigan and Chicago seem so much more horrific to me now, but when I try to blame Chicago for producing these thoughts of despair I remember the times I have outside of Chicago. Something as simple as pushing a cart brings me back to chemotherapy sessions, where I am pushing my darling Mother in her wheel chair. She smiles at me, despite my horrendous ability to steer anything. She jokes with me telling me I'm an awful driver in a cute little tone. Her laughter keeps my heart glowing and even during times of darkness my Mother keeps a light going within me.

My mom was half of my heart and the reason that I entitled this blog I hope you dance is because that was her wish for me. My Mother only wanted the best for both my brother and I. I found myself attempting to get my head screwed back on this week. It seemed that without my muse for writing it was difficult, but as I progressed my mind slowly transformed back into the mind I once had. The very same mind that often received praise of brilliance and inspiration. My mother was not afraid to tell me my flaws or strengths and reading my writing was something she thoroughly enjoyed. In fact, she was probably the only one to read every single one of these blogs and tell me how beautifully written it was and what an impressive young woman. When I felt as though I had to lay down and quit I listened to I hope you dance and cried for my mom. I felt her love and I know she heard me. I can't if she could see me the pain she would feel. My Mother wanted nothing but our happiness and this week has been a struggle full of sickness and panic attacks.

Truth is I'm not brilliant, inspirational, or even an impressive young lady. I'm just me and though I have these vast amount of thoughts it does not alienate me from others. I write because it helps me make sense of what I find to be distasteful in the world. My words are intended to mend others hearts who experience such terrifying occurrences that should cease to exist.  I know what it feels like to be alone and it is perhaps the most frightening experience. Being alone. Alone. This past year really I've felt quite alone as if I've contracted some disease. The infection spreads and it seems the more the disease progresses the more bad news I receive. I have accepted that I have very few who actually care about my well being, but it does not prevent me from wishing I could help others. I will continue to use my words to help and if that's inspiration I feel overwhelming amounts of joy.

My Mother battled so hard and each time I thought of laying down and giving up I thought of what my Mother did for me. People have asked me how I've managed to stay so strong and I will admit I have had breakdowns I'm normal and am in no way an impressive young lady. I have some very wonderful people in my life and I have an angel watching me everyday. I pray to see her again and want to live on to show the world what kind of woman I am. I have my mother to thank for transforming me into the woman that I am. She rescued me when I was at my lowest and loved me no matter what mistakes I made. I was perfect. I will never be perfect to anyone again. I will never be number one to anyone. My mom struggled for my brother and I. No one will do what she did. No one will sit up with me all night when I'm sick and crying. No one will make me feel as though I have no flaws. No one will be prouder.

My message to you all, when you feel alone remember there is someone who loves you like this. You may not always feel this love, but trust me when it is gone you will realize it existed. Survival and getting through hardship is dependent on how you choose to perceive your experience. You control your mental well being and when it feels hard remember there are people who struggle everyday worse than yourself. They would do anything to be in the position that you are. We are all very lucky, each person I've met in my life is doing fairly well for themselves and this should be satisfying in itself. I have accepted that even if things do not go according to plan I will get through and find a way. My mom taught me to not be a quitter and that is not who I am in her memory I will continue to be the unstoppable force I once was. I will mend hearts, I will be the sweetheart, and I will treat others with nothing but love. No one should be alone.

<3
Alexis Zoe

Somebody tell me where'd you go today?

Running, running, running oh....

When I run I feel free. The pain that comes with running encourages me to run past the pain. I suppose the two things that help me get through hard times is running and writing. I feel free and liberated doing both and thus after a 3.5 mile run I have felt compelled to write a blog. This blog is not going to be my typical hopeful and optimistic blog, because I feel no reason to be writing something positive. As humans we are not capable of always smiling and always being happy. Today at work, my co-worker told me that I always smiled and it gave her hope in people. That I inspired her, but a smile is only good if there is truth to it. We can hide behind smiles and lie to ourselves and I suppose that is what I do in most social contexts. I want to make others feel good even if I'm miserable inside.

I'm not completely and utterly miserable. I don't want to have others perceive me as a weakling unable to get through things alone. Most of my life I have dealt with my issues on my own and this blog is in no way, shape, or form an attempt to gain pity from others or be one big complaining rant. This blog is meant to allow my heart to freely express how I have been feeling inside lately. I feel alone. I feel like people are only there for you for the instantaneous issue and then they slowly fade away. I understand we all have our own lives, but people inevitably are selfish. Heck, I'm being somewhat selfish by writing this blog. Call me a hypocrite, but it's true. We concern ourselves with ourselves whether we want to believe it or not.

I've been alone. I find myself running on a Saturday night and honestly I have no desire to socialize lately. I feel as though most of the time I put forth effort in hanging out with someone. My best friends are wonderful, but I even feel abandoned by them. I miss having my mom here. I realize how much time I did spend with her. When I'd come home or decide to stay home we'd sit and watch TV and talk. She always made me feel loved and always was interested in my day. When I didn't feel good, even while she was sick she was right by my side. She helped me through all my problems and listened to me and never judged me. My mom called me everytime I was out and everyday to see how I was. I haven't heard from most of my friends. I honestly think that most people wouldn't even know if something happened to me. I feel like I don't really have anyone left in my life. This is what has been causing my life to feel miserable. No one will ever compare to my mother, I know that. No one can ever love you as much as your mother does, but I just wish that I wasn't dealing with this by myself. I wish people were checking up on me and let me talk. I help. I always have. I feel like it's my time to be able to vent.

I suppose in the end my writing has become what I always claimed it to be. The best friend that never judges, and will always listen. If I ever need it I can turn to it and feel better. I feel better simply venting these things right now. I don't want my friends to think I'm ungrateful for them. I am very lucky to have friends with such wonderful hearts, but I suppose I just feel empty right now. Here's to hoping things look up for me, if not I feel as though I will live a life always catering and dedicating my energy to helping others. I'm too young for the life I have been dealt. Too young to fear the things I fear. Too young to feel so alone. Half my heart is gone and I'm just hanging on to the strength she gave me. I love you mom, I hope you're reading my blog wherever you are and knowing that I am so proud of you and the fight you put up for us. I will never be the woman you were and look up to you. Forever you will be my heart.

<3
Alexis Zoe

If you knew I was dying would it change you?

Disconnection, according to the dictionary, is to sever or interrupt the connection of or between something. I'm afraid that I have reached a point in my own life where it is time to disconnect myself from most things in life in order to maintain and restore my own well being. My emotions have been quite the whirlwind, and while I want to believe that I can continue to maintain relationships with people I'm afraid I'm not mentally able to do so. This does not mean that I will disappear forever never to return, but the way in which I have dealt with most issues in my life has been alone and I'm afraid this whole process has been very exhausting for me. I'm still myself I am not defined by my circumstance in life. I am in grief yes. I do feel awful, but I have been trying to take one day at a time and the constant reminders are getting to me.

I've dealt with the most horrible occurrence in my life alone. I say this because when I think about the people I feel comfortable enough to run to the number is close to none. My best friends are wonderful, but even turning to them has been a difficult instance for me and I'm unsure of whether people truly do care about what is going on my life. I tend to believe that people get this sick pleasure out of listening to others problems because it makes them feel better about their own. When you meet someone with such a negative, awful life it's as if it boosts someone else's ego and makes them feel as though life isn't half bad. "I could be that pathetic person who's life is completely miserable. Thank goodness I am not them!"

I'm not a circus show. I know I've been dealt a pretty bad hand. When I speak of positive happiness people can't comprehend why I am seeing the positive sides of life. My mother told me it was okay to be sad about her illness. For a while I was bitter  and mean about the whole situation, but I continued to push forward for her and I wanted more than anything to make her proud of the woman I was becoming. My young adult life had been forever changed by cancer and I felt as though I was slowly contracting the disease. People viewed me differently upon disclosure unable to understand why I was not miserable. My mom taught me that strength was not achieved everyday, but that if you worked hard enough and continued pressing forward it would come in due time. I have been strong for the past five years. I have maintained positive attitudes and smiled through it all. I am my mothers daughter and I am so very proud of her and hope that I am still making her proud, but what I have learned can't be measured in any respect. What I have learned about life is something I wish that I could expel upon people.

Stop. For one minute just stop in your tracks. Call off sick from work. Take a day to yourself. Do something you love and spend time with people you love. Stop. Please just slow the heck down. Where has my success and hard work gotten me? No where. Regretting that I did not spend more time with my mother. Miserable that I have overlooked what's really important in life. My brother at my mother's funeral said that my mom gave him something that was not monetary. When he said that my heart broke. My mom gave us all something that was not monetary memories and fundamental lessons in life that will forever be with each of us. That doesn't mean our lives haven't become any less heart with this actualization. It simply means that we so often forget what is important in life and focus only on the monetary. We become so concerned with exterior of everything.

Want to know what is wrong with America? Sure the government has done a lot of faulty negative things. Sure we can blame the rich people. We blame everyone but ourselves. This country was built on fighting for freedom (though we robbed some of theirs), but essentially through the 20's-70's we fought. Women starved, were beaten, humiliated to gain rights and speak to their government. We have become satisfied with our little tools and gadgets that we have fail to sit back and really think about what is going on with this country and people in general. We have defined what beauty is in life. Thin. Perfect. Muscles. Zero flaws. What's inside? Who cares what's inside when you can have a prize? Big house I can't afford. Let's do it! Let's get into debt for what? For who? To prove yourself? To show your success? What's success without meaning? What the hell is life without meaning?

Why do I write? Why do I research? I write because I have found a place that I can address all the issues I find with the world and make sense of them in hopes to enlighten. Do I believe people will receive my messages? Who knows, but I won't know unless I try. Writing is the tool that makes me feel better because it allows me to understand my own thought process along with others. It brings  back my ability to be independent and feel wonderful again. When people criticize me and question my decisions in life I am comfortable saying that getting a PhD and writing is what I desire and want. It is what has driven me and continues to motivate me. So I feel alone in regards with people, but I am never alone when I have a pen and paper or a laptop for that matter. My words enable to me rethink my life and come back down to Earth.

My mother was my biggest critic. When she read my work and blogs she was blown away by the incredible ability that I had. I don't boast about my potential or what I have accomplished, because I feel as though we are all successful in our own way. When my biggest critic told me that I was talented I became convinced that this was my destiny as crazy as this sounds. When I am in Lincoln I am putting the rest of the energy I have left into my work, and in time my happiness shall return. I am not unhappy, but I am devastated and I am so tired of people acting as though I am pathetic and that I am unable to function. My mother would be so upset if I allowed myself to just break down and stop living. I am still alive and I will live for her. I will make her proud and I will be something someday. I promised my Mom I'd take care of my family and it is what I will do. I will stop at nothing to be the best person that I can and someday people will appreciate me for the person that I am and look beyond my flaws. I'm not perfect. I don't have a banging body. I'm not drop dead beautiful. I'm a nerdling who tends to rant and get emotional at times, but my heart is gold. My mind is vast and seeks knowledge and understanding. I am the most compassionate and sweet girl and the right kind of people will see that. Some already do and I just want to say thank you, but that I just need to get away from the support as ironic as that sounds.

I will be fine, in time all heals. Just know if I don't speak with some of you it isn't because I don't like you or am upset with you. I love you all lord knows that this has taught me to love everyone and see past the petty problems. Please hug those you cherish and never fail to smile. Eliminate those that bring you down and remember anyone who isn't willing to put effort into you or attempt to understand you is not worth your time. Be your own person and never live for anyone but yourself. Do everything for those you love. I'm regretting the things I failed to do, but I can only go uphill from here and I am determined to do so.

<3
Alexis Zoe

 

P.S He makes me happy =]

Life as it goes.

Expression. Pain. Happiness. Fear. Love. Confusion. Bliss.

Words have always been my way of "venting". When I write I feel as though I can express exactly what I would like and that I through writing I will cease to ever be judged. My mother often told me that I wrote beautifully and that this was something I had tremendous skill in. When I wrote I always felt as though it was inadequate, but hearing that I had talent from my biggest critic always encouraged me to press on. This blog has been a way for me to recollect my thoughts through extremely difficult periods of time and other blogging sites have also served this purpose. This blog in turn has become more than just a space for various streams of words and thoughts, but has become close to my heart. I just want to first begin by expressing my deep gratitude towards all of those I have in my life. You all are saint of people and I am truly blessed to have encountered so many wonderful people in my life. Without your love and support I would not be where I am today. I harbor so much love and respect for you and want you to know that I do appreciate you all.

I do not want to state the purpose or what compelled me to write this particular post. I feel as though at this moment it isn't information for the world to know. I just want to share with you what I have learned within the past few years and especially the last few months that I feel need to be said. Life does not come easy for most. The challenge of life constantly reminds us that we are alive and allows us to learn so much about who we are inside. At times, the challenges may seem impossible but what is important is the ability to constantly combat them. We are not fearless creatures so sometimes this battle may seem scary, but just know that in the end you will come out victorious. There is something more beautiful than can ever be imagined beyond all this. The challenges make us appreciate the good that we do have in our lives and remind us of how lucky we have been throughout the years. They remind us that being alive is precious and that this is something we should never take for granted. Waking up and still being here is something that is incredible.

We all struggle or suffer in some way during our lives. Misfortunes come and go to various degrees. Regardless of the degree they are still something we eventually must face. Some experience more than others, but in the end we all understand pain, fear, confusion, anger, and all that comes with negativity. We get through these emotions and we grow into stronger people. Some learn and grow from the negative which has been dealt to them and others fall. I feel as though today I have fallen, but I know that in time I will get back up. I have experienced real heart break. Heart break does not come from some guy who mistreats you or being rejected from something. Real heartbreak is losing someone that you love more than life itself. Real heartbreak causes physical illness. My heart, though broken still wants to love and still is holding on. It is the most painful experience in the entire world, but this pain creates a slew of different emotions aside from the sheer idea of pain. Heartbreak reminds you of what is fundamental to life. It allows you to reevaluate and see how silly little things are and push those things aside to appreciate and put energy to what is actually important elements in life.

In life we often settle for the mundane. We live our lives cowardly hiding behind what society tells us we should be. Instead of cherishing those we love we take them for granted and we forget to take time to count the seconds that we have in our own lives. When something bad  happens in our daily routine we take it out on those we love the most. What we fail to remember is that those that love us are precious. I am lucky to have people who love me so unconditionally and to have so many wonderful memories with these people. We can lose a lot in life. Life is full of letdown, hurt, disappointment, and loss but in the end nobody can ever take your memories from you. My memories are the most precious possessions that I have. Thinking about all of the memories I've shared with someone who is the most incredible woman in the entire world has helped ease this new found pain. Instead of focusing on the mundane focus on making memories with those you love and always letting them know that you love them. Love is a beautiful thing and that can never be taken away from you. You can never really lose anything in life if you hold onto all of that love and never let go of what you stand for.

If I had one request for you all it is that you always love and you attempt to not let the little things fill your heart and mind with negative energy. Life is far too short to allow yourself to harbor ill feelings. Never limit yourself and never judge those around you. Remember... Life may be kicking someone in the ass. I'm so lucky to have had someone who loved me more than life itself and to have a select few who love me as much as they do. For that I can not be miserable or sad despite how terrible I feel, because in the end I still am winning. Some do not ever experience what I have and that is what will get me to push forward always. Memories never die.

Love you all,
Alexis Zoe

In times of hell. In times of sun.

.... You join with me my precious one. Far stretch of road I found you on we walk together arm in arm. Oh shiny eyes bright as the sun. You were my treasure my dearest one.

Darling Blog,

It has been quite a while since I have given you the proper attention that you deserve, but alas I find myself compelled to write something non academic for a moment. It is 3:30 A.M. in the morning and I am writing to you wide awake. It seems that the 15 hours of sleep I required after being somewhat ill has rendered me wide awake at my normal nocturnal hours. I am writing to you in a state the of disappointment, happiness, excitedness, and more importantly changed. The past week and a half has been one of the most difficult for me. I have debated many options and finally have the weight of the world off of my chest. Though I am extremely happy for my decision I still will very much be spending the rest of my days in Chicago with my mother and feeling pain for leaving her darling face. She is my inspiration in life and her strength has taught me more about life than anything ever could. My mother is my hero. I have been blessed to have met a woman with incredible strength, who has passed over her morality to me. Cancer. I hate you so much Cancer. I have never hated something more than anything in my entire life. My mother is the last person on this Earth who deserves this terrifying disease. It pains me to look at her in the state that she is in. She was always strong and full of life and to see what cancer has done makes me disgusted. Tears have become prevalent part of my life, but that does not mean that I have let sadness consume me. If I love my mother, and truly learned anything from her is that I must fight and always carry on even during times of turmoil. Her battle has taught me to never give up on anything in life and this is why I have chosen to go to Nebraska for my PhD.

For the entirety of my life I knew I was destined to do great things, not just for my own personal benefit but for others as well. Growing up I dealt with a lot of loss and disappointment early on. Losing most of my family to cancer, being cut from plays, and being mistreated by many people. I was the kid people picked on. I was never good enough for anything. My family ceased to exist. I never let any of this bother me. When kids made fun of me I  became more determined to do good and make something of myself. When I was cut from a play I practiced twice as hard and made it. I loved the people I did have in my life so much more than I could ever love anyone. I have lived my life with no regrets, because I have always been true to who I am. I know that I have made my parents proud, despite my flaws and imperfections. I know that someday I will do great things for this world even if only small things. I smile always and when faced with difficult situations. Each time I face a trial I know that it will teach me something that I can in turn teach to others. Through this process I can help others understand their situations and feel as though I have this much more deep level of compassion and understanding for others.

I do not require things to make me happy, nor do I require vast amounts of attention. I am happiest when I am able to make others happy. My happiness can be found in the stars, trees, waters, and mountains. When I sit contemplating life to hans zimmer music I feel as though I am alive. My mind has been a place of salvation for me. My relationship with the lord has gotten me through the most difficult moments in life. The outdoors, bicycle rides, memories with great people those are what I cherish and hold a dear place in my heart. I just need prayer in my life right now. I pray for my family, and for my future endeavors. I pray that someday someone will love me and see me for the beautiful person I am both inside and out. I pray for all those in the world who are suffering worse than myself. I pray for the lost, the sinning, and those who need strength. I just wish this world could be happier. If I could outreach my arms and give every person on this world a giant hug and reassurance that they are not alone I would. The world can be a terrifying place. What is important is to always remain strong through it all and to never sacrafice the person that you are. My heart is gold and I can never change that. I often fail to understand why others are not receptive or accepting of my warm heart, but the reality of it is that skepticalism has created walls and barriers between people. Don't always guard yourself, because this limits you from so many possibilities. Don't be afraid to let your heart feel or let obstacles stop you from getting what you really in life. Everything is possible and you are never alone.

With that I leave you with my latest youtube video.

<3
Alexis Zoe

Valentines Day.

The day in which those who are single acknowledge the fact that they are in fact single. As a single person for the first time in two years (the past two relationships I have had began on February 14) I have not had a "boyfriend". I had mixed feelings about this. Though I don't really care to be in a relationship at the moment I still had a hint of loneliness. I believe that most single people experience this inkling of loneliness because it's just a reminder that they don't really have someone to hold, kiss, and do things with on a consistent basis. Recently I've just been dating and going out and though I've enjoyed the experience I have it's nice to have someone who you have an emotional connection with rather than physical attractions. I decided that instead of hating on Valentines Day as I once did that I would embrace it. I would make it new and renound. It would no longer be about lovers, but would be an appreciation and reminder that I love many people. So I baked. I baked until my body could no longer tolerate being around a vast amount of sugar. I baked until cupcakes no longer looked decadent, but rather resembled something grotesque. I put my entire heart into each little sugary creation to express how much I appreciated those in my life. As I baked I realized how much I enjoy baking cupcakes and just baking in general and how it would be fantastically amazing to collaborate with lumberjack (a master cupcake artist) and one day make my own shop. Lumberjack is an adorable guy who assumes the role of a lumberjack in both size, and beard. He brought me cupcakes and therefore he owns my heart. It doesn't take much to win me over :P Jokes, but it was a sweet gesture. I have no idea what I'd call it, but I'm sure I'd think up something clever. I feel as though I kind of am like a cupcake. A cupcake can come in many different flavors and almost always tastes delicious. It's not quite a cookie, it's soft and sweet. Kind of like me. I'm soft, sweet, and different. I like to think of a cupcake as a muffin on steroids.

After baking all night and handing out a couple cupcakes to my wonderful darling friend Katie I ended up dressing up in pink for the sort. I prepared myself emotionally for all the flowers and sweet gifts I would see circulate through my job and attempted to see the bright side of sorting flowers. "At least the metroplex will smell pretty!" The sheer idea of flowers smelling pretty compelled me to get even more dolled up for work. Working blue collar does not allow for much personality. I wear a uniform and I feel as though each time I doll up for work people look at me as though I'm some strange alien who does not belong on that planet. I suppose I could qualify as a strange alien from another planet, after all I work with mostly men and am not the image that pops up when they think of blue collar worker. I got a few whistles and a couple babies and continued on my quest armed in pink with cupcakes. When I arrived upstairs I laid out the cupcakes and offered them to my coworkers. They were all smitten with my cupcakes and I was even called by my lead "the sweetheart of the primary". He asked me if I did anything special and informed him that I lacked a Valentine and a boyfriend. He said that someone smart would pick me up soon. That he was sure of.

Someone.... I don't just want someone. Upon reading a little note from a boyfriend to his girlfriend I saw the beauty in his words and could almost sense the sincerity. That is what I realize that I want and deserve. I could easily have settled this Valentines day. I feel as though most of my relationships have failed just for the fact that I do in fact settle. Loneliness can result in just as much irrational behavior as love. I can safely say that I know the difference between desperation and love. I have only loved one person in my lifetime and the rest have been a way of feeding loneliness. As I read this and thought about relationships and settling I realized how this is the happiest single I have ever been. I realized that when I don't find something I want I will feed that loneliness somewhere else and when you take away trust and truth in a relationship it deteriorates in a very negative way. Getting hugs from my coworkers and called sweetheart was enough to make me appreciate my life.

When I left the metroplex I picked up breakfast for my family and left it for when they woke up. If anyone deserves special treatment it is my family. They are my rock and have supported me through so much of my life. I slept for a few hours only to awake late yet again. I was insistent on dressing up so I quickly dolled up. I rocked brown tights, jean shorts, a be mine pink valentine shirt, my brown and pink paperboy hat, and several other pink themed things. Let's just say that today I looked like Miss Valentine, I was a charm. I gathered the rest of my belongings, including more cupcakes and rushed off to work. I listened to cheezy acoustic love songs and smiled the entire drive. Love is beautiful and that's essentially what I think this stupid hallmark holiday is here to remind us of. When I arrived at work I didn't even get upset when things seemed to all go wrong. I instead smiled, listened to more wonderful music, and finished all the tasks on my to do list. Off to class I was where I got to vent on my hatred for Lady GaGa, my distaste for those who feel arcade fire are less talented than people who lack any talent, and how we have forgotten what it really means to be American and that capitalism has taken over most of the feeble brains of our country. I was then informed that the entertainment industry received 500 billion dollars vs. the 80 billion for education. Quite an alarming number and perhaps even more alarming is that we make up half of the money used for advertisements globally. This got me thinking up an idea. I should blog about being a blue collared worker, in the academy, and constantly analyzing the degradation of America and what we once stood for. I won't speak too much about it, but let's just say that we have taken away industry and the foundation America was built on. If we continue the building that once stood strong will collapse. I suppose the twin towers could be a foreshadowing/representation of what has become of this country. Sad, but I feel as though it's accurate.

When I arrived home I received loving hugs from my family and little valentines. I gave each of them their valentine from me. When I looked at my mother I instantly realized that I was allowing so many trivial things to run my life when I need to re-focus my life. For those of you who aren't aware my mother is in stage IV cancer and lately she has had vision issues. She has to see a neurologist oncologist to make sure that it hasn't spread to her brain. This thought scares me and when I saw her I nearly choked up. I love her so much and love my family. When I get upset about being alone, school, just life in general I think about my mom and all of the fighting she does for us and never lets it knock her down and it just makes me feel as though I really need to stop sweating the small stuff or surrounding myself with people who aren't worth my time. Life is so precious and we so often take it for granted. We forget what's really important. I used to be a person who would get upset over the smallest things and now I shrug things off. Let life happen and don't become bitter over silly things like being alone, people more well off then yourself, or something to that extent. Strive to be a better person and stay true to your heart. I'm just as my boss described me.... A sweetheart. People take kindness as a sign of weakness, but I am far from weak. I know so many strong people and I gain my strength from them and fight even harder knowing what they go through. Life is too short to let things hurt. Smile. Be you. Love. Give your heart in everything you do. Life can be beautiful you just have to paint it that way. I want to see in glorious rich colors, I want my canvas of life to be a work of art. I am a work of art, different, creative, dorky, sweet, and a very happy person. Valentines day doesn't have to be about couples, everyday doesn't have to be about how much love you receive, but rather how much you love and respect yourself. In the end you have yourself to answer to. You will lose people in life, be deceived, manipulated, hurt, left, and meet new people. You never know what will happen, but one thing you do know is that you are living in a reality of your own. You are capable of making life a wonderful experience full of adventure, sanctification, and ultimately hopefully you learned something about you in the process.

Let life happen. Love. Hope. Dream. Never give up on life, because each morning you wake up is another day you have a chance to experience more of the wonderful things living has to offer.

Love Always,
Alexis Zoe

Dearest Darling Life,

It is very rare that I allow negative emotions take hold of this strong and independent creature that I'm constantly striving to be. Perhaps the most riveting part of life is the notion that you have complete control when you really think about it. Sure things will come and try to stop you from feeling as though you have this sense of control, but if you are satisfied with yourself and constantly striving to be the best person that you can be life becomes so fantastically amazing. I can't even begin to describe the smiles I have shared with people recently and the pure joy I have found with my own life and how comfortable I have come with being Alexis Zoe. I am a nerdling obsessed with video games, spiderman comics, Ireland, tights, biking, PBR, and being alive. I dress adorable because it makes me feel adorable and happy. I take pride in being the lady that I am.

Last night I had a falling out. I call it a falling out because it was so not my character and it was the negative that overtook my mind. Things became bad and I found myself drinking again. Something I tend to do when I feel as though life is going to massacre my sweet heart completely. I drank my Whiskey and Pabst and found myself questioning why I always spend the nights alone with these two. After drinking I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad for being alone. I felt bad that my mom was sick. I hated that I felt as though I have accomplished so much, but don't have anyone to be proud of me, be inspired by, or even be noticed. I felt as though I was the ghost that I often describe in my novels. The girl who claims to be limitless, but limits herself. After crying some portion of my night to some of my wonderful friends I realized that I am not alone. I have people who love me so much and who think I'm beautiful and remind me of that. My friends are the greatest people on this earth. They bring so much joy to my life and so many wonderful memories. At times I wonder how they put up with my zanny personality, but then I realize that my personality does draw people in.

Today I filled out my intent graduate and ran into one of my darling cohorts. We conversed about impending graduation. I still am praying that I finish it all. I know that I have the drive and passion to, but at times we all question our abilities. After this I worked on my thesis a bit feeling inspired and then went to have coffee with an old friend. We're going to a Museum next week and I get to go to Lolla this summer which I'm completely and utterly stoked for. I then went to have coffee with my darling father, but missed out on my Starbucks buddy. I always find myself a bit disappointed when he isn't in just because I adore the conversations we have. My father and I enjoyed our coffee and then decided that it was time we eat some steak because the deer were making him ravenous and I just had a T-Rex craving. We ate and enjoyed our food and then I headed out to see my darling Katie Holmes. My invader zim buddy. It amazes me that I have such a strong and amazing friend. She is a charm. Katie, Rich, and I had coffee (my third serving for the day) and then headed to smoke hookah. A guy waved at me and made my day, because goodness knows I eat up attention! Katie told me I was pretty and she should know that she is gorgeous!When I got home I purchased my flogging molly tickets and now I feel unstoppable. I also have Abe Lincoln to thank for having no work tomorrow :)

When I got home I felt liberated, free, and as though my life has begun to take a turn for the better. When I got home I realized that I have friends that I treasure and that I could not get through life without. They love me when I'm vulnerable, love me despite my imperfections, they love me for who I am. It's brilliant being able to be yourself. It's amazing being able to be random and enjoy just living with those you care about and who you can have fun with. I have discovered recently that life is about taking risks and going on adventures. The cards aren't always going to be in your favor, but the risk and fun in trying makes it all worth it in the end. You lose some games and you win some, but in the end it's not about how many you've won or lost. It's about how well you played, how hard you fought, and how much passion you put into this game of life. I have so much passion in my heart. I have so much fight in me and I will do great things. My mother told me today that the reason I have such trouble being with a guy is because I'm overtly sweet. I give myself completely to whoever I allow to get that close to me in life. I will never change the person that I am, because I know there are people who respect me and admire me for the woman I am.

I work hard to play hard. I live life fully. I dream big. I want to change this world in some small way that may seem irrelevant to most, but holds a dear place in my heart. I want to always be best friends with my father and mother. I want to always adventure with my best friends and make crazy fun memories with them. Sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself. In order to truly understand just how strong you are and just how wonderful your life really is sometimes you need to step outside of yourself. When I look at the world I see so much pain and hurt. When I really think about my life as a whole I realize how much I have grown because of the life I lead. It amazes me how much we limit ourselves, when we could have the whole world in our hands. It's not about what you own, what you have, or how many people you have in your life. It's about owning the night, dreaming and living life freely, and it's about having people who mean something in your life. So many celebrities are miserable and so many sacrifice pieces of themselves to be something they are not so that they are constantly surrounded by people. Artificial has taken over our current culture, but if I could just shake people and show them that life is not about being something your not but loving the person you are I can guarantee there would be so many more smiles.

I just want to help people. I want to continue to be a free spirit, and I want to love with this heart of gold those who deserve to share my treasure. Gosh thanks life for being so awesome! Love you all.

I have denied love.

I love documenting my life. Thanks to the wonderful world of blogging I can go and read posts dating back to 2003. These posts document various points of my life, which to me is really invigorating. When I read back to the little girl in 2003, then 2005, and 2008 I find it incredible how in two year increments I changed tremendously. Even from year to year I seem to have learned something new about myself even if I didn't change a whole lot. I still am that girl I was in 2003, but I have just grown mentally so much. In 2003 I saw the world very much like must teenagers do, negatively. I disliked my parents for all the constraints they held on me. I thought I knew what love was and was determined to find it. This is a phenomenon I noticed about myself that I recently have gotten "over". Most of my blogs consisted of words such as love, heart, heartbreak, heartache, him, I LOVE HIM! Marry me..... I still don't know what love is. I can't say that I have even loved. When I read my old blogs I seem to have convinced myself that I loved every single person I dated, but I can honestly say that I may have felt love once. I still am unsure of whether this was true love. I suppose it was, because up until recently I always ran, always felt, always wanted.... Recently I have given myself more respect and realized that it is time to let go of that old glimpse of hope and false love. It made me realize how much I relied on love in the past, and how I didn't really know what the heck that four letter word really meant.

My entire life I have always longed for someone to provide me with the love and affection that I require. My friends have been astonished by the number of people I have dated and the amount of relationships I have had. I have always been the type to fall, always wanted someone that I could call mine, and each time I have failed in all my attempts at love. My need for affection has created issues, because I've never found anyone who was as affectionate as I am. My dad told me that everytime I like someone, someone liked me, or I was in a relationship with I have always tried to find something wrong with it even when there was nothing wrong with it. His comment really got me thinking. Do I really do this? Yes. I set myself up for failure before I even get in any relationships. Yes, I have been a bad girlfriend. Yes, I am the male in the relationship. Yes, I am a cocky bitch. I have hurt. I have placed the blame on parties that were not guilty. I could say it all stemmed from an ex boyfriend who constantly called me names. I could say it came from the guy who actually cheated on me, but I can't blame anyone for my failures. In fact,  if anything they gave me more excuses to use against future men. I don't know what love is, because I haven't felt it. I don't want to know what love is either I want to experience it. I want to let it happen. I don't want to continue on the same path I have always been on relying so heavily on being with someone.

This is the longest I have been single in a long time. What I find compelling is that my friend said it felt longer than it actually did.... You know you haven't been alone when someone thinks a few months is a long time. I'm actually really happy alone for once. I'm happy being able to go out and have fun without worrying about being the bad guy again. I was loyal to my last boyfriend and sweet. I invested everything into my last relationship and I realized how much I lost in the process. I'm finally getting back up from it all and upon reading my journals I realize what a sad girl I really was. I don't need someone. I am finally comfortable saying that and am happy being alone. I guess it's weird for me to experience this new, by myself thing. I went out with my friends last weekend despite having lung failure and it was wonderful. It was nice not having to check my phone and explain I was drinking and checking out guys with my girls. It was nice getting into all kinds of shenanigans and just being free. I hate fighting. I hate things being awkward. I just love being free and doing things for myself. Don't get me wrong if I found someone who I really liked, wanted me, and was like me adventurous and amazing then I'd jump on it but for now I am just enjoying living. Looking at my room and seeing the floor is a nice feeling. Getting ready to go to work tomorrow after having two days off (a rarity) is nice, because I'm actually kind of ready to go back (not really to one of my jobs, but shhh don't tell anyone), and not having other plans other than dragging my daddy to see hall pass this weekend. It feels good. It feels like old times when I used to go with my dad.

This post isn't my typical "lets get all philosophical and shit" post. I just feel like posting because I read so many of my old blog entries and it made me see myself for what I was. I'm just so happy to be me and so happy to be living. I realized how much we need to just adventure and live. So many times we just limit ourselves, make ourselves depressed, and say no to things because we don't want to live. We are constantly afraid of living, but not me anymore. Yes that's all.

No Strings Attached

Narratives are the most fascinating documents to exist in the world. Reading someones innermost thoughts is really a treat, because you get an idea of their emotions. I can almost feel people's emotions through their writing and they don't even need to be prolific. It's just wonderful to see the raw emotions and this is why I read blogs and write my own. It's a documentation of my life story. I'm constantly changing, reevaluating, learning, growing, and dreaming. I love being able to look back at my own personal narratives and remember the person I was and all the things that have stayed with me. I was reading a few blogs today and saw a collective issue for nearly all of them. Loneliness. Desiring human heat from another human being and wanting something that's safe. It reminded me much of myself not too long ago. For the first portion of my life I focused on other things other than boys. I didn't really become interested in dating until I was about 16 to be honest and even then I really didn't want to be serious with anyone. Since about 17 I've been in and out of relationships. The longest I was single was maybe 6 months and even then I was dating several people nothing exclusive just dating. This made me realize something fundamental to nearly all human beings. We all need other people whether we want to disagree with this or not it's the truth. Even serial killers need other human beings or else I mean who would they murder right? We all desire other people in our lives and this is the one thing that links us all together. Being alone is a scary thought and many of us require affection.

The one issue I find in my own life and what these people kind of brought to my attention was the expectations. We have so many expectations and will search day and night to find someone when we are lonely or fill the loneliness in some way. Why? I used to have high expectations growing up with school, work, and relationships. I convinced myself that things needed to be a certain way and this was the most limiting thing I could ever do to myself. We are the only people who really limit ourselves and when we have high expectations we limit so many possibilities. Life should be unlimited. It is an adventure and needs to be rode out and not thought about. Sure it's interesting to think about life and we shouldn't not think. I obviously don't condone this. I do however believe that people let things get to them too often and their expectations often cause this grief.

Why worry? Why care? I mean I care about people in my life, but as far as where I will be, who I will be with, where I am going I honestly am not concerned. I know that wherever I end up I will make it. I know that life isn't perfect, but that I need to keep living even during the times that feel the most stressful and miserable. I'm honestly one of the happiest people on the planet right now. Strange because my darling Bears lost to Green Bay, I'm not sure if I'm going to get in anywhere, and I am single something that I am not used to. I have no clear, definitive answer on where I will be next year or even in the next few months all I know is that I am living. I drove to Milwaukee this past weekend. I'm smitten with that city it screams Alexis. Though my heart and roots will always belong in Chicago I consider Milwaukee my second home. While I was there I did a lot of thinking and on my ride back to Chicago I hit a huge snow storm and the white, blinding roads got me thinking. What if I lived life like this? What if I lived life blindly and just kept following the road to see where it led? What if I continued to venture even though I was afraid of crashing?

When I was in that snow I realized what the old me would have done. I would have gone into shock thinking I would crash because of the massive amount of snow coming at my car making the road completely unclear. I don't drive the highways to Wisconsin so frequently that the roads are second nature to me, but I didn't panic. I actually kind of got lost in the snow patch and the thought of not knowing where the road was kind of made me smile in a sick, sadistic way.

"This is how I need to live life." I found myself thinking.

I no longer have expectations from anyone. I don't anticipate anything to go my way or for things to be perfect. I'm satisfied with all of my decisions and just want to live and adventure with people that I enjoy being in the company of. We put labels on everything. We attempt to make ourselves feel safe, but why do we need this safety net? Why can't we just be comfortable with the life we are leading and enjoy the moments we do have with people, the places we do go, and stop thinking about everything? I feel as though this huge weight has been lifted off me and that I am free. I feel capable of nearly everything and just have this new found appreciation for life. I've been having an amazing time, because I have stopped saying no to everything. I have stopped thinking the worst of every situation and stopped expecting things of people. People are imperfect we all make mistakes. We are all guilty so why lay the guilt on others? When we stop doing this we stop putting limits on what we can do in life. I just want to have fun. I just want to be given affection and love by the people that I like. My friends, family, and whoever else I like they all make me happy and I like going out with them. I like trying new things and this is what my life is now about.

I have stopped worrying so much and now am just happy experiencing. I'm excited that I have been attempting to travel and going out more often even with my busy schedule. It makes me remember why I enjoy life in the first place, because of all the things the world has to offer. I'm exhausted so this blog may not make much sense. All I'm saying is live. Stop limiting yourself. Stop expecting the world and more. Be free. Be spontaneous. Never give up on the amazing people in your life and stop being afraid. Jump into things. Do stupid things. Make mistakes. Smile a lot and most of all be true to yourself.

<3
Alexis Zoe

Neverending slew of learning.

My father is quite honestly the most riveting man I have been blessed to be graced with. If one would like to know where I get my brilliance it is from him. Our conversations on life are always stimulating and always make me reevaluate the person that I am. Today's discussion was about the way in which we perceive the very act of living. As a emotionally turbulent person I find that there is a pattern on how I react to situations in life. I tend to let my heart take over my head, though my head is constantly analyzing the situation. This dichotomy leaves me in a state of utter confusion and often causes me to become unhappy with the situation all together. I notice that I often take this frustration out on others and allow myself to drown in the situation at hand. The situation becomes the forerunner for how I live my life. Why?

What causes this dilemma? My father discussed how so many people just focus on things that are out of their control. That he has lived his life not worrying about the things he can't control and focusing on that which he can. I can't control a lot in my life right now. I'm unable to know for sure where I will be next year (whether I will be accepted into a PhD program or not). I can not predict how my defense will go for my thesis will go. I can't cause people to like me if they don't. I will never know how some people feel about me even though I want them to feel the way I do. I don't know if the bears will beat green bay. What do I know for certain? What can I control? I know that I can finish my thesis and edit it to get it where it needs to be. I certain that wherever I do end up I will be happy even if I have to sidetrack. I'm sure that I have people who love and care about me. This is all that matters. The certain, uncertainty is just an intrigue fun to think about, but it should not define your life. It should not be the focus of your life. There is more out of your hands then in them and what you do have is what you need to work with. The rest will come later or maybe never, but these things are not to be bothered or worried about.

I became a jealous person at one point in my life. It became so bad that it was all I thought about. The jealously killed whatever I had last. I convinced myself that everybody had it out for me one way or the other. I disconnected myself. I cried. I became a person I no longer recognized. I became the person I despised the most. Being alone and clearing my mind has made me reevaluate a lot. My dad asked me why I care if someone cheats on me? I began to think about it.

"Because, how will I ever trust again? What did I do to deserve it? What can I do better?" I inquired.

"Nothing," my dad began. "You can't do anything. You can't control it. You can't stop someone from doing terrible things to you because they will do them regardless of all the preventive actions you take. So why worry about it?"

I nearly was brought to tears. My entire negative slew of life. All of the negative in my life, all of the pain, and all that I have had to go through in my short 22 years on earth I have spent hating. I was the chubby kid, I was the nerd, I was abused, I suffered and I survived. Though I have turned most of the negative into positive it always bothered me inside. Helping others was a way for me to escape, forget my own problems existed. Forget the pain I felt and help show others that the pain is manageable if you attempt to erase it. If you focus on the positive elements of life, but it still bothered me. You can't just shake internal turmoil that easily. It takes time and your own self healing to get anywhere. You can't anticipate or expect others to help you through things, because they have their own mess of a life to take care of. Nobodies life is equal. Our lives will always be worse, better, happier, sadder, and more important than anyone else's. We are selfish beings and this isn't such a bad thing. We can have compassion and we most certainty do care about others, but it's how we maintain our selfish ways that separates a selfish person from just being a normal human being. The most important thing to remember is that we can not control others.

So someone cheats on you, leaves you, hurts you, calls you names, or publicly humiliates you. How can you control it? How can you even begin to live with yourself? Get back on your feet. Can I control if I die tomorrow in a terrible accident at work? Can I control how people view me? You can't control it. I have learned to let things just trickle off of me. I have realized that I really have no control over most things in my life, but I am happy. I am satisfied with who I have become. As I always say to my father "I got this."

He chuckles. My new motto in life is I got this, because I do got this. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and incredible person who works hard and is not afraid to be who I am. If people don't like me that's their personal preference and it's okay. I don't anticipate everyone to love me. I don't even anticipate anyone to like me. With this being said, I am lucky for the people I do have in my life. I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say this again. When you finally develop a love for yourself it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It's more incredible than anything else. I am smitten with myself. I love the life that I lead. I love working. I love how incredibly perceptive I am. I love my family. I have more strength and passion inside of my heart than my body can hold. I'm bursting with joy. I want to share with the world all of this information, because I want people to see the beauty in the world. I want beauty. I want happiness for the world. When I make someone smile I'm instantly happy. I'm always smiling. When I run a smile away the pain. When I'm at work I smile away the work. Even when someone is being bitter towards me I smile, because I am happy. The happiest I have ever been in my entire life and I have no one to thank but myself. I have become comfortable with the person that I am. I feel as though I've been reborn and the things that once bothered me seem so petty now.

Today I slept really late. I drank coffee, and now I am in the process of writing. Ugh I'm just super happy. I can't even write in this blog anymore. My advice to the world. Do not worry my darling friends! Things will go your way and when they do it will be utter brilliance. It's not about what you don't have remember that which you do! Love yourself because you are the most precious, and beautiful people on the earth. The perceptive theory of if you don't think the world of yourself nobody will is true! It's not about what people think of you, but what you think of yourself. You can't control the world, but you can control you. You are in charge of your life, your own boss, and you can create something memorable and beautiful. Cherish the memories you have and love your life. Live on and move forward and do not go and open doors that have already closed.

P.S. I love you cute faces!

<3
Lexy

The World is a Beautiful Place.

Full of beautiful people, and beautiful lies. The world is full of life. Life is full of beauty. We are beautiful when we are full of life. This morning when I woke up I kind of shuffled to my car. I find it quite perplexing that we've created such a "shuffle" system. I'm not entirely sure I enjoy the shuffle of life. Though organization is fun I often exercise the thought of chaos, anarchy, and spontaneity. Anarchy brings this same perplexing thought to my mind. If it is labeled as a organized group against organized groups isn't it therefore a group in itself? How do we become separated from these organized groups in which we create? The answer... We can't. We are humans and as humans we bond together in "tribes" to be safe. Though I believe that it is near impossible to separate yourself from some sort of systematic group I find the notion of having what we define as anarchy to exist. My car started smoothly. Words can not even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to have a form of transportation to take me to random places in the midwest. I've blogged about my love for my car prior to this blog, but I can not stop emphasizing the freedom that my car has given me. When I find myself in a rut jumping in my car and driving to the cornfields to see stars at night eases my broken, healing heart. Best medication in life for any sort of emotional pain is looking at the world and realizing the very fundamental element of life "wow, I am a live." Whenever I remind myself I am alive and the world is so much greater than myself it makes me smile both internally and externally. It reminds me that though the world has a gray background I can pain it any shades my heart desires. Suddenly my world is full of pretty pastel colors and warm fuzzy joy. 

I needed this today (though I did not drive to see the stars) on my way back from work I blasted my music. Fake Empire by The National came on and I suddenly felt this huge burst of inspiration. I began to sing my little heart out to one of my all time favorite songs on this planet. I felt my emotions rushing through my body and my heart beat a little quicker. I'm not afraid to admit that I am emotional and that this new zodiac business is bullcrap because I most certainty am not a Gemini. They are heartless. I am a cancer and I am emotional.  Tears began to stream down my eyes as I continued to sing. Remembering all of the times I was told I would never sing and the moment I made a musical.

"I can sing." I said to myself. "I am going to make a video of me singing it and let the world hear it even though I still know this isn't a strong suit."

Then I thought about it. My strong suit. I'm the emotional actress I can bring tears to your eyes. I can make you wish you were never born because my words can be so cold, drab, and depressing. Perhaps this is not the most desired trait unless it is presented on stage. What am I talented at? What defines Alexis Zoe Waters? Words. My blogs are essentially my streams of thought that I can not begin to go about verbalizing. When I want to speak with myself instead of saying it out loud I come here to my blog. No I am not a crazy person, but I just have so much that I want to share with the world. The dumbfounded looks I get when I speak about things in person with others kind of discourages me from continuing on, but this is precisely why I want to continue on the path I have began to build for myself. I want to encourage deep thought. I want the world to feel the way in which I feel. Though I know nobody will ever feel what I feel, because we are all unique beings within ourselves I just want the world to not fear.

My friend asked me advice last night. I enjoy giving advice because it allows me to help make sense of situations in different perceptives for others. I feel it is essential to understand a situation in many different contexts. She was very dismissive of my advice. I love her dearly and I completely understand this type of behavior. I am the same exact way. I dismiss the negative. I make excuses for people that do not deserve my excuses. I convince myself that this is right and this is what I feel and despite others suggestions they are incorrect. I am in control of my situation. Hardly. When we convince ourselves that something is true and that becomes our reality.

So many women that I love have allowed themselves to become a reality created by media sources and hyper masculinity. So many men that I adore have allowed other men to convince them that they have to mistreat women to be cool. That emotions are not logical and that this is to be perceived as weakness. The world is convinced that we should not speak of negative emotions, or sadness. I am sad, but happy. How ironic? My mother is the main source of my sadness. I live everyday knowing that I could wake up and not have her here....I begin to question if I will ever be able to be ready for marriage without her there. I question my ability to ever become a mother. I question what I have done in life to deserve such a terrible thing to happen. I attempt to ignore her. I pretend that nothing exists. I am not the daughter I hoped to be. I've turned into something I can not recognize. I make excuses and surround myself with work to forget. Yet, I am happy. I am constantly reminded how precious life is. I feel as though my success will allow my mother to see that she did the most amazing job a woman could ever do at raising her children. That I will be okay. That I know life will always go on. I am strong, capable, and I... I can do this.

As much as I believe I can do this a piece of me wants to run away, start a new life. Heck maybe even go by Zoe. Maybe drop the Alexis. No. I am Alexis Zoe Waters. My full name defines me. So I write. I write my heart out to anyone who will listen. I write to show the world that it is much greater than us and though it may seem bleak it is still full of tremendous beauty. I write to show other young adults that they can survive and that there is life beyond the pain and struggle. I speak to those who are experiencing what I have had to endure. I want women to be strong and not feel as though they must be defined by a male. Sure I love attention and affection. I am smitten with love I will not deny the comfort and beauty I find in having a person to share memories with. However, memories are not worth sharing with people not worthy of you. Not everyone will love you. You can not force anything upon anyone, but all you can do is let somebody inside and let them decide whether your heart is worth it. I have learned that in life we must never sacrifice who we are for another person. That when we feel alone and as if our wold is crashing on us we must rise above it. As cliche as it sounds its' not about the amount of punches thrown at you, it's about always getting back up. Always persevering.

I've noticed that people seem to get upset over such petty things. Why? I feel as though we need to enjoy our lives. My life is rough, but I am so happy with the life I have. I pray everyday for all those who are still searching for their happiness, because I understand the darkness that life can cover people in. I wish to remind each and every person of the beauty inside of them and show them the wonders the world brings. There is a lot of pain and struggle in the world, but it is there to remind us just how lucky we are to be waking up in the morning and have what we do. Love you all. Never be afraid to be yourself and never be afraid to speak your mind. When they take your voice they take everything from you.

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe

Dear Life.

Life,

Don't get me wrong I adore you most of the time. Tonight is an exception to that most statement. What compels you to provide so much negativity to someone so positive? I attempt to see the good in every negative experience, but at this point I am unable to see through the negative that has ensued today. This morning I awoke at 1:52am. Not believing I had slept over 11 hours I ran in search of another time source. Sure enough the clock read 1:52am. I began to frantically run around my room, throwing on uniform gear and attempting to remember where I placed my badge. I normally hang my badge on a dresser, but in a stream of unconscious zombie living I realized I had placed it somewhere else. Instead of being crazy, pouty Lexy I sat at the edge of my bed and attempted to use another tactic to finding an airport badge.

"If I was a badge...." I thought "Where on earth would I put myself?"

After a few minutes of deep thought the most obvious and brilliant idea popped into my head. The table as I enter the apartment! When I arrived at the table a few short steps away there it was laying with my little face smiling back at me. I threw my combat boots on and shot out the door. As I approached my car I saw a mound of snow lying on top. I had been completely oblivious that while I slept snow slowly incrued on my little car.

"Great. I have 2 minutes to clean this sucker off and warm him up." I blurted.

I got my blue, ice murdering stick of death and began to chizzle at my frozen car. When I started my car I felt a chill. My car was now a capsule holding cold as if it had turned into a freezer overnight. Chizzle. Chizzle. I ran around my car, snow getting into my combat boots and up my warm, fluffy sweat pants. Finally the mound was lessened. There was not enough time to clean off the entire mound, thus driving became somewhat difficult. I drove slowly in fear that the mound that survived my attack would fly into my windshield making the day of work become negated. The snow from the mound slowly brushed into my windshield as I drove the lonely, dark, desolate roads to the airport. Finally, I arrived in great timing! 2:35 am and I still had ten minutes before I had to clock in. I saw a Cruiser and parked next to my bff at work.

He teased me saying "I know you don't want to go to work!" Chuckles followed.

"You will never believe what happened to me this morning! I think I'm flipping my lid and I'm only 22 years young!" I began.

As I described the story my darling friend listened intently. When I got past security I ran to my coffee machine. I made a promise to that machine that I would never fail to get coffee from it and heaven knows I could never go back on that commitment. I smiled at work describing my story in vivid detail to all who wanted to listen to me rant and get excited about the possibility of sleeping through this job for the first time. Freight became extremely light and I began to question what happened. Our Wednesdays were hardly ever this slow and I kind of wanted to toss some pretty flower packages and smell them as they passed. Or even pineapples.

"We have three late flights. Two are coming at 6:30 can you stay?"

Can I stay... But, but.... BUT! I have another job and class tonight. When will I ever rest? When will I ever get at least 30 minutes of exercise in? But... but.... but THINK OF THE MONEY! All I have to do is sit around. I'm in. Crazy, but I am totally down for this late flight business. So I stayed and waited. I sat and chit chatted about my school endevaors.

"So what are you going for your associates or bachelors?" My favorite lady in the metroplex asked.
"My masters." I said smugley.
"What are you serious? That's amazing." I was presented with warm, welcome arms. I gladly flew into them seeing as I adore affection. "We have to do something special for her. Hear that? She's going for her masters we have to do something really special."

What do I do in these types of circumstances? Yes I know it's quite the accomplishment, but I see it as something I just love and did for myself. Not really to brag or say look at me I'm 22 and will have a M.A. Plus I don't want to jinx myself for graduation for I have yet to graduate. I smiled and blushed.

"Might be going for the PhD too if I am accepted." I said to draw attention away from the impending.

Her eyes shot wide open as she smiled at me. I sat and attempted to slowly stray the conversation away from my own personal successes. I do not enjoy gloating and am unsure of how to take all the compliments that fly my way despite them constantly being spit at me. The flight was light, but the drama that occurred was too much for my sweet little heart to handle. I just listened, nodded, and acted as if I agreed with everyone. Though this isn't always the best strategy I find it much easier then actually saying something substantial. I love everyone I can't really comprehend this whole "not getting along" business.

As I left I made a tough decision to not sleep until arrived home from class. This may have been a dumb move on my part, but I've become attuned with going days without sleep and I feel as though the zombie Lexy actually enjoys being a present and active part of my life. I got home and sat online kind of bummed out about a lot of things. Mostly the feeling I have of having no one around all these silly holidays. Partly because I was requiring cuddling, but had no one. Mainly because I wanted to speak to someone, anyone, but alas no one was online at such hours of the morning. I slowly got up from my snuggly comforter to dance my little butt off to my zumba game. As I looked in the mirror I noticed that I have actually began to thin out. The progress reminded me of how dedicated and capable I am of doing whatever I set my mind to. It encouraged me to dance my butt off even harder than I previously thought I would. I danced. Danced the morning away. Danced my frustrations out. Danced to the beat of life.

Before I knew it I was frantically dolling myself up for my next job and class. I chose brown and fancy turquoise jewelry today. Perhaps the most exciting part of my day is dressing up. It gives me so much confidence and makes me feel so good when I look adorable and get compliments on how adorable I look. I'm not an attention seeker and don't need verification that I am pretty. I know this. I just enjoy looking good and being complimented on my work. When I arrived at school I got smiles and was all around excited to be at school, not necessarily for work. I was greeted with a..

"Oh welcome back ready to finish all this work I have piled for you?"

Oh yes sir thrilled. I could not imagine any other thing I would rather be doing on my Wednesday afternoon after being up since 1:52 am. I began to work and divert to twitter, facebook, and other websites randomly. Of course I began to plan my shopping plans I had for the next day downtown. As I planned, got excited, and worked intermittently I was actually enjoying myself. Productively often makes me more happy then it should. I even began to fill out applications for various upcoming things such as another job and graduation. Before I knew it I was filling up my 5th cup of coffee for the day and running to class that began at 7:00pm. It was already 6:58pm. I arrived in class to see a bunch of people I didn't know (very odd for classes in my M.A. program), but also to familiar faces and hugs. Lots of lovely hugs from lovely people. It kind of cured my lonely feelings I had prior to class. We discussed life briefly and I sat intently listening to one of my favorite Professors.

She made me chuckle with her eccentric theatre personality and I even was assigned to talk about Elanor Roosevelt my hero! Perfect class and after class I sat and caught up even more with the ladies. They were so sweet telling me that I needed an alpha male and to not worry about such things. That I was a beautiful person and the person who got me someday would be lucky. I was also informed that men just chase the body and that it is rare men like a woman for their mind. Though I beg to differ on that statement there are many men who live by this. I kind of sort of adore the fact that they are always scouting for me and looking out for me when it comes to the relationship department. I always reply in the same manner to their concerns.

"I know. The right man will see that I am a real woman and that is what he will love me for. I am focusing on myself and when Mr. Right comes along I will welcome him with open arms." I reply smiling and kind of daydreaming about the moment this will happen.

I walked outside with one of my favs and we talked the entire way to the car. Once I entered my car I was feeling quite nostalgic. The day had went from bad, to decent, to me receiving plenty of compliments and cute advice. It was all fine and dandy until I started Cruiser Bruiser. I felt my car having what I imagine a car seizure would look like if cars could have seizures. It convulsed, flickered its lights, and scared the living daylights out of me. I turned it off and let it relax for a minute. When I turned it on the check engine light was on. This happened to me last month and the light ended up leaving so I assumed it was just a light switch malfunction. In an attempt to save money I decided that it would be acceptable to not take the car in only to be charged hundreds of dollars. Now I was convinced I made a poor decision. My car's main organ was malfunctioning and it appeared as though my shopping spree would have to be put on hold.

When I arrived home I felt exhausted, drained, more than zombified more like shot down on life. I realized that I still had a ton of work to do on everything and began to question what I was even doing in life. This seems to happen after negative days where I feel as though my life is just a slew of negative that I attempt to convince myself occurs for a reason to help me transform it into positive. The sodden lexy is no longer here. I have convinced myself that perhaps this is a wake up call. Life sucks! For everyone. Whether you believe that it does or not you're still going to have suck days. Imagine a life without suck days though. Would you even enjoy any days, because if they are all good what is there to compare it to? I mean this day is suck, but tomorrow who knows maybe it wont suck or it will suck more. This essentially means that in the future my suck day will be negated by a sweet, kickass day. This theory has caused me to decide that this weekend I will have a kickass, fantastic weekend full of adventure and fun. Indeed, there will be lots of consumption and memories to be had. Maybe even a little mini vacation somewhere, seeing as I have no school or work monday thanks to MLK. Thank you dear, darling, daring man. The three D's of success and gratitude.

I suppose I should end this novel, before it becomes something that has a substantial amount of words to actually produce a publishable text. Until then my dear friends hope you all have good days and less sucky days!

Yours truly,
Alexis Zoe