Valentines Day.

The day in which those who are single acknowledge the fact that they are in fact single. As a single person for the first time in two years (the past two relationships I have had began on February 14) I have not had a "boyfriend". I had mixed feelings about this. Though I don't really care to be in a relationship at the moment I still had a hint of loneliness. I believe that most single people experience this inkling of loneliness because it's just a reminder that they don't really have someone to hold, kiss, and do things with on a consistent basis. Recently I've just been dating and going out and though I've enjoyed the experience I have it's nice to have someone who you have an emotional connection with rather than physical attractions. I decided that instead of hating on Valentines Day as I once did that I would embrace it. I would make it new and renound. It would no longer be about lovers, but would be an appreciation and reminder that I love many people. So I baked. I baked until my body could no longer tolerate being around a vast amount of sugar. I baked until cupcakes no longer looked decadent, but rather resembled something grotesque. I put my entire heart into each little sugary creation to express how much I appreciated those in my life. As I baked I realized how much I enjoy baking cupcakes and just baking in general and how it would be fantastically amazing to collaborate with lumberjack (a master cupcake artist) and one day make my own shop. Lumberjack is an adorable guy who assumes the role of a lumberjack in both size, and beard. He brought me cupcakes and therefore he owns my heart. It doesn't take much to win me over :P Jokes, but it was a sweet gesture. I have no idea what I'd call it, but I'm sure I'd think up something clever. I feel as though I kind of am like a cupcake. A cupcake can come in many different flavors and almost always tastes delicious. It's not quite a cookie, it's soft and sweet. Kind of like me. I'm soft, sweet, and different. I like to think of a cupcake as a muffin on steroids.

After baking all night and handing out a couple cupcakes to my wonderful darling friend Katie I ended up dressing up in pink for the sort. I prepared myself emotionally for all the flowers and sweet gifts I would see circulate through my job and attempted to see the bright side of sorting flowers. "At least the metroplex will smell pretty!" The sheer idea of flowers smelling pretty compelled me to get even more dolled up for work. Working blue collar does not allow for much personality. I wear a uniform and I feel as though each time I doll up for work people look at me as though I'm some strange alien who does not belong on that planet. I suppose I could qualify as a strange alien from another planet, after all I work with mostly men and am not the image that pops up when they think of blue collar worker. I got a few whistles and a couple babies and continued on my quest armed in pink with cupcakes. When I arrived upstairs I laid out the cupcakes and offered them to my coworkers. They were all smitten with my cupcakes and I was even called by my lead "the sweetheart of the primary". He asked me if I did anything special and informed him that I lacked a Valentine and a boyfriend. He said that someone smart would pick me up soon. That he was sure of.

Someone.... I don't just want someone. Upon reading a little note from a boyfriend to his girlfriend I saw the beauty in his words and could almost sense the sincerity. That is what I realize that I want and deserve. I could easily have settled this Valentines day. I feel as though most of my relationships have failed just for the fact that I do in fact settle. Loneliness can result in just as much irrational behavior as love. I can safely say that I know the difference between desperation and love. I have only loved one person in my lifetime and the rest have been a way of feeding loneliness. As I read this and thought about relationships and settling I realized how this is the happiest single I have ever been. I realized that when I don't find something I want I will feed that loneliness somewhere else and when you take away trust and truth in a relationship it deteriorates in a very negative way. Getting hugs from my coworkers and called sweetheart was enough to make me appreciate my life.

When I left the metroplex I picked up breakfast for my family and left it for when they woke up. If anyone deserves special treatment it is my family. They are my rock and have supported me through so much of my life. I slept for a few hours only to awake late yet again. I was insistent on dressing up so I quickly dolled up. I rocked brown tights, jean shorts, a be mine pink valentine shirt, my brown and pink paperboy hat, and several other pink themed things. Let's just say that today I looked like Miss Valentine, I was a charm. I gathered the rest of my belongings, including more cupcakes and rushed off to work. I listened to cheezy acoustic love songs and smiled the entire drive. Love is beautiful and that's essentially what I think this stupid hallmark holiday is here to remind us of. When I arrived at work I didn't even get upset when things seemed to all go wrong. I instead smiled, listened to more wonderful music, and finished all the tasks on my to do list. Off to class I was where I got to vent on my hatred for Lady GaGa, my distaste for those who feel arcade fire are less talented than people who lack any talent, and how we have forgotten what it really means to be American and that capitalism has taken over most of the feeble brains of our country. I was then informed that the entertainment industry received 500 billion dollars vs. the 80 billion for education. Quite an alarming number and perhaps even more alarming is that we make up half of the money used for advertisements globally. This got me thinking up an idea. I should blog about being a blue collared worker, in the academy, and constantly analyzing the degradation of America and what we once stood for. I won't speak too much about it, but let's just say that we have taken away industry and the foundation America was built on. If we continue the building that once stood strong will collapse. I suppose the twin towers could be a foreshadowing/representation of what has become of this country. Sad, but I feel as though it's accurate.

When I arrived home I received loving hugs from my family and little valentines. I gave each of them their valentine from me. When I looked at my mother I instantly realized that I was allowing so many trivial things to run my life when I need to re-focus my life. For those of you who aren't aware my mother is in stage IV cancer and lately she has had vision issues. She has to see a neurologist oncologist to make sure that it hasn't spread to her brain. This thought scares me and when I saw her I nearly choked up. I love her so much and love my family. When I get upset about being alone, school, just life in general I think about my mom and all of the fighting she does for us and never lets it knock her down and it just makes me feel as though I really need to stop sweating the small stuff or surrounding myself with people who aren't worth my time. Life is so precious and we so often take it for granted. We forget what's really important. I used to be a person who would get upset over the smallest things and now I shrug things off. Let life happen and don't become bitter over silly things like being alone, people more well off then yourself, or something to that extent. Strive to be a better person and stay true to your heart. I'm just as my boss described me.... A sweetheart. People take kindness as a sign of weakness, but I am far from weak. I know so many strong people and I gain my strength from them and fight even harder knowing what they go through. Life is too short to let things hurt. Smile. Be you. Love. Give your heart in everything you do. Life can be beautiful you just have to paint it that way. I want to see in glorious rich colors, I want my canvas of life to be a work of art. I am a work of art, different, creative, dorky, sweet, and a very happy person. Valentines day doesn't have to be about couples, everyday doesn't have to be about how much love you receive, but rather how much you love and respect yourself. In the end you have yourself to answer to. You will lose people in life, be deceived, manipulated, hurt, left, and meet new people. You never know what will happen, but one thing you do know is that you are living in a reality of your own. You are capable of making life a wonderful experience full of adventure, sanctification, and ultimately hopefully you learned something about you in the process.

Let life happen. Love. Hope. Dream. Never give up on life, because each morning you wake up is another day you have a chance to experience more of the wonderful things living has to offer.

Love Always,
Alexis Zoe