Dearest Darling Life,

It is very rare that I allow negative emotions take hold of this strong and independent creature that I'm constantly striving to be. Perhaps the most riveting part of life is the notion that you have complete control when you really think about it. Sure things will come and try to stop you from feeling as though you have this sense of control, but if you are satisfied with yourself and constantly striving to be the best person that you can be life becomes so fantastically amazing. I can't even begin to describe the smiles I have shared with people recently and the pure joy I have found with my own life and how comfortable I have come with being Alexis Zoe. I am a nerdling obsessed with video games, spiderman comics, Ireland, tights, biking, PBR, and being alive. I dress adorable because it makes me feel adorable and happy. I take pride in being the lady that I am.

Last night I had a falling out. I call it a falling out because it was so not my character and it was the negative that overtook my mind. Things became bad and I found myself drinking again. Something I tend to do when I feel as though life is going to massacre my sweet heart completely. I drank my Whiskey and Pabst and found myself questioning why I always spend the nights alone with these two. After drinking I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad for being alone. I felt bad that my mom was sick. I hated that I felt as though I have accomplished so much, but don't have anyone to be proud of me, be inspired by, or even be noticed. I felt as though I was the ghost that I often describe in my novels. The girl who claims to be limitless, but limits herself. After crying some portion of my night to some of my wonderful friends I realized that I am not alone. I have people who love me so much and who think I'm beautiful and remind me of that. My friends are the greatest people on this earth. They bring so much joy to my life and so many wonderful memories. At times I wonder how they put up with my zanny personality, but then I realize that my personality does draw people in.

Today I filled out my intent graduate and ran into one of my darling cohorts. We conversed about impending graduation. I still am praying that I finish it all. I know that I have the drive and passion to, but at times we all question our abilities. After this I worked on my thesis a bit feeling inspired and then went to have coffee with an old friend. We're going to a Museum next week and I get to go to Lolla this summer which I'm completely and utterly stoked for. I then went to have coffee with my darling father, but missed out on my Starbucks buddy. I always find myself a bit disappointed when he isn't in just because I adore the conversations we have. My father and I enjoyed our coffee and then decided that it was time we eat some steak because the deer were making him ravenous and I just had a T-Rex craving. We ate and enjoyed our food and then I headed out to see my darling Katie Holmes. My invader zim buddy. It amazes me that I have such a strong and amazing friend. She is a charm. Katie, Rich, and I had coffee (my third serving for the day) and then headed to smoke hookah. A guy waved at me and made my day, because goodness knows I eat up attention! Katie told me I was pretty and she should know that she is gorgeous!When I got home I purchased my flogging molly tickets and now I feel unstoppable. I also have Abe Lincoln to thank for having no work tomorrow :)

When I got home I felt liberated, free, and as though my life has begun to take a turn for the better. When I got home I realized that I have friends that I treasure and that I could not get through life without. They love me when I'm vulnerable, love me despite my imperfections, they love me for who I am. It's brilliant being able to be yourself. It's amazing being able to be random and enjoy just living with those you care about and who you can have fun with. I have discovered recently that life is about taking risks and going on adventures. The cards aren't always going to be in your favor, but the risk and fun in trying makes it all worth it in the end. You lose some games and you win some, but in the end it's not about how many you've won or lost. It's about how well you played, how hard you fought, and how much passion you put into this game of life. I have so much passion in my heart. I have so much fight in me and I will do great things. My mother told me today that the reason I have such trouble being with a guy is because I'm overtly sweet. I give myself completely to whoever I allow to get that close to me in life. I will never change the person that I am, because I know there are people who respect me and admire me for the woman I am.

I work hard to play hard. I live life fully. I dream big. I want to change this world in some small way that may seem irrelevant to most, but holds a dear place in my heart. I want to always be best friends with my father and mother. I want to always adventure with my best friends and make crazy fun memories with them. Sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself. In order to truly understand just how strong you are and just how wonderful your life really is sometimes you need to step outside of yourself. When I look at the world I see so much pain and hurt. When I really think about my life as a whole I realize how much I have grown because of the life I lead. It amazes me how much we limit ourselves, when we could have the whole world in our hands. It's not about what you own, what you have, or how many people you have in your life. It's about owning the night, dreaming and living life freely, and it's about having people who mean something in your life. So many celebrities are miserable and so many sacrifice pieces of themselves to be something they are not so that they are constantly surrounded by people. Artificial has taken over our current culture, but if I could just shake people and show them that life is not about being something your not but loving the person you are I can guarantee there would be so many more smiles.

I just want to help people. I want to continue to be a free spirit, and I want to love with this heart of gold those who deserve to share my treasure. Gosh thanks life for being so awesome! Love you all.