I have denied love.

I love documenting my life. Thanks to the wonderful world of blogging I can go and read posts dating back to 2003. These posts document various points of my life, which to me is really invigorating. When I read back to the little girl in 2003, then 2005, and 2008 I find it incredible how in two year increments I changed tremendously. Even from year to year I seem to have learned something new about myself even if I didn't change a whole lot. I still am that girl I was in 2003, but I have just grown mentally so much. In 2003 I saw the world very much like must teenagers do, negatively. I disliked my parents for all the constraints they held on me. I thought I knew what love was and was determined to find it. This is a phenomenon I noticed about myself that I recently have gotten "over". Most of my blogs consisted of words such as love, heart, heartbreak, heartache, him, I LOVE HIM! Marry me..... I still don't know what love is. I can't say that I have even loved. When I read my old blogs I seem to have convinced myself that I loved every single person I dated, but I can honestly say that I may have felt love once. I still am unsure of whether this was true love. I suppose it was, because up until recently I always ran, always felt, always wanted.... Recently I have given myself more respect and realized that it is time to let go of that old glimpse of hope and false love. It made me realize how much I relied on love in the past, and how I didn't really know what the heck that four letter word really meant.

My entire life I have always longed for someone to provide me with the love and affection that I require. My friends have been astonished by the number of people I have dated and the amount of relationships I have had. I have always been the type to fall, always wanted someone that I could call mine, and each time I have failed in all my attempts at love. My need for affection has created issues, because I've never found anyone who was as affectionate as I am. My dad told me that everytime I like someone, someone liked me, or I was in a relationship with I have always tried to find something wrong with it even when there was nothing wrong with it. His comment really got me thinking. Do I really do this? Yes. I set myself up for failure before I even get in any relationships. Yes, I have been a bad girlfriend. Yes, I am the male in the relationship. Yes, I am a cocky bitch. I have hurt. I have placed the blame on parties that were not guilty. I could say it all stemmed from an ex boyfriend who constantly called me names. I could say it came from the guy who actually cheated on me, but I can't blame anyone for my failures. In fact,  if anything they gave me more excuses to use against future men. I don't know what love is, because I haven't felt it. I don't want to know what love is either I want to experience it. I want to let it happen. I don't want to continue on the same path I have always been on relying so heavily on being with someone.

This is the longest I have been single in a long time. What I find compelling is that my friend said it felt longer than it actually did.... You know you haven't been alone when someone thinks a few months is a long time. I'm actually really happy alone for once. I'm happy being able to go out and have fun without worrying about being the bad guy again. I was loyal to my last boyfriend and sweet. I invested everything into my last relationship and I realized how much I lost in the process. I'm finally getting back up from it all and upon reading my journals I realize what a sad girl I really was. I don't need someone. I am finally comfortable saying that and am happy being alone. I guess it's weird for me to experience this new, by myself thing. I went out with my friends last weekend despite having lung failure and it was wonderful. It was nice not having to check my phone and explain I was drinking and checking out guys with my girls. It was nice getting into all kinds of shenanigans and just being free. I hate fighting. I hate things being awkward. I just love being free and doing things for myself. Don't get me wrong if I found someone who I really liked, wanted me, and was like me adventurous and amazing then I'd jump on it but for now I am just enjoying living. Looking at my room and seeing the floor is a nice feeling. Getting ready to go to work tomorrow after having two days off (a rarity) is nice, because I'm actually kind of ready to go back (not really to one of my jobs, but shhh don't tell anyone), and not having other plans other than dragging my daddy to see hall pass this weekend. It feels good. It feels like old times when I used to go with my dad.

This post isn't my typical "lets get all philosophical and shit" post. I just feel like posting because I read so many of my old blog entries and it made me see myself for what I was. I'm just so happy to be me and so happy to be living. I realized how much we need to just adventure and live. So many times we just limit ourselves, make ourselves depressed, and say no to things because we don't want to live. We are constantly afraid of living, but not me anymore. Yes that's all.