Will you always Remember?

Dearest friend,

Will you never fail to remember my name? Will you always keep me in  your mind when we reach points of life that seem bleak? I will take your hand and stand by your side always. Nothing can match the tremendous amount of love I have for you. If it is any consolation please just remember that you are not alone. You are never alone.

The epitome of reflection. Notes from old friends, memories that seem to resemble nothing but a shattered mirror. Our pasts become fragments, which we recreate the way we see them. Our minds are powerful tools, which enable us to convince ourselves that something happened in a particular way, which may not be at all accurate to actual history. Just as we attempt to put our shattered mirrors back together, history does in the same fashion. Does anyone really know what happens? Does anyone really understand where we are in our own lives?

I was awoken this morning by a storm. When I awoke I looked outside to see a world encased in gray. Black nor white existed and the only light produced was the lightening. I placed my hand on the glass door and felt a tear trickle down my eye. When it rained I always thought the angels cried. It was my crafty way of explaining why rain existed, but when I looked outside I wondered if my mom was crying for me. This sounds quite depressing, but it is not. I was able to talk yesterday about my feelings and I have a new found knowledge of what is actually going inside my mind.

I'm a thinker, an analyst. I find pleasure in attempting to predict the future when I have come to realize we can't really predict anything, nor can we explain anything. I have to say goodbye and let go. As much as that pains me I can't hold onto the hope that my mom will come back or give me a sign, because she won't. My future is not able to be predicted, because anything can happen. I can die tomorrow, lose my friends, or find out that I just won a bunch of hello kitty stuff. Life can be both positive in negative in nature, but it isn't about what life throws at you it is being able to be a survivor. The person I spoke with told me that I was a survivor that despite the hardship I was on my feet, determined to push forward.

I had been hard on myself these past few months questioning my intelligence, questioning whether or not I was capable of doing much of anything. I gave myself a death sentence before my own death. I had done what I had so often discouraged before and just lived to be alive. There was no purpose, no meaning, no motivation to do much of anything. I had become something I hardly recognized. I was no longer the woman that I aspired to become and I had become lost in the abyss of simply living. I had forgotten what had once made me happy, but I am slowly getting back to who I once was and am feeling as though motivation is starting to come back. I am a woman who never gives up in the face of defeat, and though I have had some humps in the road I got over them and still remain standing.

It's time to be the person I aspire and encourage myself to be. We all live our lives the way we see suiting. I want to help people and use my writing to do just that. My writing has enabled me to get very far in life, and when I was alone I had my blogs and written form to help get me through the troubling times. My mom was able to see the person I was through my blogging and writing. She saw the heart and soul I had. I'm not a perfect person. I don't always say things that are agreeable to people, but I try to live my life as kindly as possible. I do not have the intention of hurting others, nor do I wish to be something I am not. I will speak my mind, but I will not change for someone. Accepting who you are is the biggest struggle to get over in life, but it is vital to always be yourself and never allow that to change.

My memories are just projections of who I was, but do not define who I am. I am Alexis Waters. I am going for my PhD. I place high value on helping others, because I feel too often we go through problems alone. The people in my life I'd do anything for and I treat well. I wish I could have done more for my mom. I hope that the world will be a better place in time, because I believe people are inherently good. I'm a nerd who loves spiderman, because Stan Lee's comics have taught me so much about myself and how to live with integrity. That is all I love you all.

<3
Alexis Zoe