Narratives are the most fascinating documents to exist in the world. Reading someones innermost thoughts is really a treat, because you get an idea of their emotions. I can almost feel people's emotions through their writing and they don't even need to be prolific. It's just wonderful to see the raw emotions and this is why I read blogs and write my own. It's a documentation of my life story. I'm constantly changing, reevaluating, learning, growing, and dreaming. I love being able to look back at my own personal narratives and remember the person I was and all the things that have stayed with me. I was reading a few blogs today and saw a collective issue for nearly all of them. Loneliness. Desiring human heat from another human being and wanting something that's safe. It reminded me much of myself not too long ago. For the first portion of my life I focused on other things other than boys. I didn't really become interested in dating until I was about 16 to be honest and even then I really didn't want to be serious with anyone. Since about 17 I've been in and out of relationships. The longest I was single was maybe 6 months and even then I was dating several people nothing exclusive just dating. This made me realize something fundamental to nearly all human beings. We all need other people whether we want to disagree with this or not it's the truth. Even serial killers need other human beings or else I mean who would they murder right? We all desire other people in our lives and this is the one thing that links us all together. Being alone is a scary thought and many of us require affection.
The one issue I find in my own life and what these people kind of brought to my attention was the expectations. We have so many expectations and will search day and night to find someone when we are lonely or fill the loneliness in some way. Why? I used to have high expectations growing up with school, work, and relationships. I convinced myself that things needed to be a certain way and this was the most limiting thing I could ever do to myself. We are the only people who really limit ourselves and when we have high expectations we limit so many possibilities. Life should be unlimited. It is an adventure and needs to be rode out and not thought about. Sure it's interesting to think about life and we shouldn't not think. I obviously don't condone this. I do however believe that people let things get to them too often and their expectations often cause this grief.
Why worry? Why care? I mean I care about people in my life, but as far as where I will be, who I will be with, where I am going I honestly am not concerned. I know that wherever I end up I will make it. I know that life isn't perfect, but that I need to keep living even during the times that feel the most stressful and miserable. I'm honestly one of the happiest people on the planet right now. Strange because my darling Bears lost to Green Bay, I'm not sure if I'm going to get in anywhere, and I am single something that I am not used to. I have no clear, definitive answer on where I will be next year or even in the next few months all I know is that I am living. I drove to Milwaukee this past weekend. I'm smitten with that city it screams Alexis. Though my heart and roots will always belong in Chicago I consider Milwaukee my second home. While I was there I did a lot of thinking and on my ride back to Chicago I hit a huge snow storm and the white, blinding roads got me thinking. What if I lived life like this? What if I lived life blindly and just kept following the road to see where it led? What if I continued to venture even though I was afraid of crashing?
When I was in that snow I realized what the old me would have done. I would have gone into shock thinking I would crash because of the massive amount of snow coming at my car making the road completely unclear. I don't drive the highways to Wisconsin so frequently that the roads are second nature to me, but I didn't panic. I actually kind of got lost in the snow patch and the thought of not knowing where the road was kind of made me smile in a sick, sadistic way.
"This is how I need to live life." I found myself thinking.
I no longer have expectations from anyone. I don't anticipate anything to go my way or for things to be perfect. I'm satisfied with all of my decisions and just want to live and adventure with people that I enjoy being in the company of. We put labels on everything. We attempt to make ourselves feel safe, but why do we need this safety net? Why can't we just be comfortable with the life we are leading and enjoy the moments we do have with people, the places we do go, and stop thinking about everything? I feel as though this huge weight has been lifted off me and that I am free. I feel capable of nearly everything and just have this new found appreciation for life. I've been having an amazing time, because I have stopped saying no to everything. I have stopped thinking the worst of every situation and stopped expecting things of people. People are imperfect we all make mistakes. We are all guilty so why lay the guilt on others? When we stop doing this we stop putting limits on what we can do in life. I just want to have fun. I just want to be given affection and love by the people that I like. My friends, family, and whoever else I like they all make me happy and I like going out with them. I like trying new things and this is what my life is now about.
I have stopped worrying so much and now am just happy experiencing. I'm excited that I have been attempting to travel and going out more often even with my busy schedule. It makes me remember why I enjoy life in the first place, because of all the things the world has to offer. I'm exhausted so this blog may not make much sense. All I'm saying is live. Stop limiting yourself. Stop expecting the world and more. Be free. Be spontaneous. Never give up on the amazing people in your life and stop being afraid. Jump into things. Do stupid things. Make mistakes. Smile a lot and most of all be true to yourself.
<3
Alexis Zoe
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Neverending slew of learning.
My father is quite honestly the most riveting man I have been blessed to be graced with. If one would like to know where I get my brilliance it is from him. Our conversations on life are always stimulating and always make me reevaluate the person that I am. Today's discussion was about the way in which we perceive the very act of living. As a emotionally turbulent person I find that there is a pattern on how I react to situations in life. I tend to let my heart take over my head, though my head is constantly analyzing the situation. This dichotomy leaves me in a state of utter confusion and often causes me to become unhappy with the situation all together. I notice that I often take this frustration out on others and allow myself to drown in the situation at hand. The situation becomes the forerunner for how I live my life. Why?
What causes this dilemma? My father discussed how so many people just focus on things that are out of their control. That he has lived his life not worrying about the things he can't control and focusing on that which he can. I can't control a lot in my life right now. I'm unable to know for sure where I will be next year (whether I will be accepted into a PhD program or not). I can not predict how my defense will go for my thesis will go. I can't cause people to like me if they don't. I will never know how some people feel about me even though I want them to feel the way I do. I don't know if the bears will beat green bay. What do I know for certain? What can I control? I know that I can finish my thesis and edit it to get it where it needs to be. I certain that wherever I do end up I will be happy even if I have to sidetrack. I'm sure that I have people who love and care about me. This is all that matters. The certain, uncertainty is just an intrigue fun to think about, but it should not define your life. It should not be the focus of your life. There is more out of your hands then in them and what you do have is what you need to work with. The rest will come later or maybe never, but these things are not to be bothered or worried about.
I became a jealous person at one point in my life. It became so bad that it was all I thought about. The jealously killed whatever I had last. I convinced myself that everybody had it out for me one way or the other. I disconnected myself. I cried. I became a person I no longer recognized. I became the person I despised the most. Being alone and clearing my mind has made me reevaluate a lot. My dad asked me why I care if someone cheats on me? I began to think about it.
"Because, how will I ever trust again? What did I do to deserve it? What can I do better?" I inquired.
"Nothing," my dad began. "You can't do anything. You can't control it. You can't stop someone from doing terrible things to you because they will do them regardless of all the preventive actions you take. So why worry about it?"
I nearly was brought to tears. My entire negative slew of life. All of the negative in my life, all of the pain, and all that I have had to go through in my short 22 years on earth I have spent hating. I was the chubby kid, I was the nerd, I was abused, I suffered and I survived. Though I have turned most of the negative into positive it always bothered me inside. Helping others was a way for me to escape, forget my own problems existed. Forget the pain I felt and help show others that the pain is manageable if you attempt to erase it. If you focus on the positive elements of life, but it still bothered me. You can't just shake internal turmoil that easily. It takes time and your own self healing to get anywhere. You can't anticipate or expect others to help you through things, because they have their own mess of a life to take care of. Nobodies life is equal. Our lives will always be worse, better, happier, sadder, and more important than anyone else's. We are selfish beings and this isn't such a bad thing. We can have compassion and we most certainty do care about others, but it's how we maintain our selfish ways that separates a selfish person from just being a normal human being. The most important thing to remember is that we can not control others.
So someone cheats on you, leaves you, hurts you, calls you names, or publicly humiliates you. How can you control it? How can you even begin to live with yourself? Get back on your feet. Can I control if I die tomorrow in a terrible accident at work? Can I control how people view me? You can't control it. I have learned to let things just trickle off of me. I have realized that I really have no control over most things in my life, but I am happy. I am satisfied with who I have become. As I always say to my father "I got this."
He chuckles. My new motto in life is I got this, because I do got this. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and incredible person who works hard and is not afraid to be who I am. If people don't like me that's their personal preference and it's okay. I don't anticipate everyone to love me. I don't even anticipate anyone to like me. With this being said, I am lucky for the people I do have in my life. I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say this again. When you finally develop a love for yourself it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It's more incredible than anything else. I am smitten with myself. I love the life that I lead. I love working. I love how incredibly perceptive I am. I love my family. I have more strength and passion inside of my heart than my body can hold. I'm bursting with joy. I want to share with the world all of this information, because I want people to see the beauty in the world. I want beauty. I want happiness for the world. When I make someone smile I'm instantly happy. I'm always smiling. When I run a smile away the pain. When I'm at work I smile away the work. Even when someone is being bitter towards me I smile, because I am happy. The happiest I have ever been in my entire life and I have no one to thank but myself. I have become comfortable with the person that I am. I feel as though I've been reborn and the things that once bothered me seem so petty now.
Today I slept really late. I drank coffee, and now I am in the process of writing. Ugh I'm just super happy. I can't even write in this blog anymore. My advice to the world. Do not worry my darling friends! Things will go your way and when they do it will be utter brilliance. It's not about what you don't have remember that which you do! Love yourself because you are the most precious, and beautiful people on the earth. The perceptive theory of if you don't think the world of yourself nobody will is true! It's not about what people think of you, but what you think of yourself. You can't control the world, but you can control you. You are in charge of your life, your own boss, and you can create something memorable and beautiful. Cherish the memories you have and love your life. Live on and move forward and do not go and open doors that have already closed.
P.S. I love you cute faces!
<3
Lexy
What causes this dilemma? My father discussed how so many people just focus on things that are out of their control. That he has lived his life not worrying about the things he can't control and focusing on that which he can. I can't control a lot in my life right now. I'm unable to know for sure where I will be next year (whether I will be accepted into a PhD program or not). I can not predict how my defense will go for my thesis will go. I can't cause people to like me if they don't. I will never know how some people feel about me even though I want them to feel the way I do. I don't know if the bears will beat green bay. What do I know for certain? What can I control? I know that I can finish my thesis and edit it to get it where it needs to be. I certain that wherever I do end up I will be happy even if I have to sidetrack. I'm sure that I have people who love and care about me. This is all that matters. The certain, uncertainty is just an intrigue fun to think about, but it should not define your life. It should not be the focus of your life. There is more out of your hands then in them and what you do have is what you need to work with. The rest will come later or maybe never, but these things are not to be bothered or worried about.
I became a jealous person at one point in my life. It became so bad that it was all I thought about. The jealously killed whatever I had last. I convinced myself that everybody had it out for me one way or the other. I disconnected myself. I cried. I became a person I no longer recognized. I became the person I despised the most. Being alone and clearing my mind has made me reevaluate a lot. My dad asked me why I care if someone cheats on me? I began to think about it.
"Because, how will I ever trust again? What did I do to deserve it? What can I do better?" I inquired.
"Nothing," my dad began. "You can't do anything. You can't control it. You can't stop someone from doing terrible things to you because they will do them regardless of all the preventive actions you take. So why worry about it?"
I nearly was brought to tears. My entire negative slew of life. All of the negative in my life, all of the pain, and all that I have had to go through in my short 22 years on earth I have spent hating. I was the chubby kid, I was the nerd, I was abused, I suffered and I survived. Though I have turned most of the negative into positive it always bothered me inside. Helping others was a way for me to escape, forget my own problems existed. Forget the pain I felt and help show others that the pain is manageable if you attempt to erase it. If you focus on the positive elements of life, but it still bothered me. You can't just shake internal turmoil that easily. It takes time and your own self healing to get anywhere. You can't anticipate or expect others to help you through things, because they have their own mess of a life to take care of. Nobodies life is equal. Our lives will always be worse, better, happier, sadder, and more important than anyone else's. We are selfish beings and this isn't such a bad thing. We can have compassion and we most certainty do care about others, but it's how we maintain our selfish ways that separates a selfish person from just being a normal human being. The most important thing to remember is that we can not control others.
So someone cheats on you, leaves you, hurts you, calls you names, or publicly humiliates you. How can you control it? How can you even begin to live with yourself? Get back on your feet. Can I control if I die tomorrow in a terrible accident at work? Can I control how people view me? You can't control it. I have learned to let things just trickle off of me. I have realized that I really have no control over most things in my life, but I am happy. I am satisfied with who I have become. As I always say to my father "I got this."
He chuckles. My new motto in life is I got this, because I do got this. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and incredible person who works hard and is not afraid to be who I am. If people don't like me that's their personal preference and it's okay. I don't anticipate everyone to love me. I don't even anticipate anyone to like me. With this being said, I am lucky for the people I do have in my life. I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say this again. When you finally develop a love for yourself it is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It's more incredible than anything else. I am smitten with myself. I love the life that I lead. I love working. I love how incredibly perceptive I am. I love my family. I have more strength and passion inside of my heart than my body can hold. I'm bursting with joy. I want to share with the world all of this information, because I want people to see the beauty in the world. I want beauty. I want happiness for the world. When I make someone smile I'm instantly happy. I'm always smiling. When I run a smile away the pain. When I'm at work I smile away the work. Even when someone is being bitter towards me I smile, because I am happy. The happiest I have ever been in my entire life and I have no one to thank but myself. I have become comfortable with the person that I am. I feel as though I've been reborn and the things that once bothered me seem so petty now.
Today I slept really late. I drank coffee, and now I am in the process of writing. Ugh I'm just super happy. I can't even write in this blog anymore. My advice to the world. Do not worry my darling friends! Things will go your way and when they do it will be utter brilliance. It's not about what you don't have remember that which you do! Love yourself because you are the most precious, and beautiful people on the earth. The perceptive theory of if you don't think the world of yourself nobody will is true! It's not about what people think of you, but what you think of yourself. You can't control the world, but you can control you. You are in charge of your life, your own boss, and you can create something memorable and beautiful. Cherish the memories you have and love your life. Live on and move forward and do not go and open doors that have already closed.
P.S. I love you cute faces!
<3
Lexy
Friday, January 14, 2011
The World is a Beautiful Place.
Full of beautiful people, and beautiful lies. The world is full of life. Life is full of beauty. We are beautiful when we are full of life. This morning when I woke up I kind of shuffled to my car. I find it quite perplexing that we've created such a "shuffle" system. I'm not entirely sure I enjoy the shuffle of life. Though organization is fun I often exercise the thought of chaos, anarchy, and spontaneity. Anarchy brings this same perplexing thought to my mind. If it is labeled as a organized group against organized groups isn't it therefore a group in itself? How do we become separated from these organized groups in which we create? The answer... We can't. We are humans and as humans we bond together in "tribes" to be safe. Though I believe that it is near impossible to separate yourself from some sort of systematic group I find the notion of having what we define as anarchy to exist. My car started smoothly. Words can not even begin to describe how wonderful it feels to have a form of transportation to take me to random places in the midwest. I've blogged about my love for my car prior to this blog, but I can not stop emphasizing the freedom that my car has given me. When I find myself in a rut jumping in my car and driving to the cornfields to see stars at night eases my broken, healing heart. Best medication in life for any sort of emotional pain is looking at the world and realizing the very fundamental element of life "wow, I am a live." Whenever I remind myself I am alive and the world is so much greater than myself it makes me smile both internally and externally. It reminds me that though the world has a gray background I can pain it any shades my heart desires. Suddenly my world is full of pretty pastel colors and warm fuzzy joy.
I needed this today (though I did not drive to see the stars) on my way back from work I blasted my music. Fake Empire by The National came on and I suddenly felt this huge burst of inspiration. I began to sing my little heart out to one of my all time favorite songs on this planet. I felt my emotions rushing through my body and my heart beat a little quicker. I'm not afraid to admit that I am emotional and that this new zodiac business is bullcrap because I most certainty am not a Gemini. They are heartless. I am a cancer and I am emotional. Tears began to stream down my eyes as I continued to sing. Remembering all of the times I was told I would never sing and the moment I made a musical.
"I can sing." I said to myself. "I am going to make a video of me singing it and let the world hear it even though I still know this isn't a strong suit."
Then I thought about it. My strong suit. I'm the emotional actress I can bring tears to your eyes. I can make you wish you were never born because my words can be so cold, drab, and depressing. Perhaps this is not the most desired trait unless it is presented on stage. What am I talented at? What defines Alexis Zoe Waters? Words. My blogs are essentially my streams of thought that I can not begin to go about verbalizing. When I want to speak with myself instead of saying it out loud I come here to my blog. No I am not a crazy person, but I just have so much that I want to share with the world. The dumbfounded looks I get when I speak about things in person with others kind of discourages me from continuing on, but this is precisely why I want to continue on the path I have began to build for myself. I want to encourage deep thought. I want the world to feel the way in which I feel. Though I know nobody will ever feel what I feel, because we are all unique beings within ourselves I just want the world to not fear.
My friend asked me advice last night. I enjoy giving advice because it allows me to help make sense of situations in different perceptives for others. I feel it is essential to understand a situation in many different contexts. She was very dismissive of my advice. I love her dearly and I completely understand this type of behavior. I am the same exact way. I dismiss the negative. I make excuses for people that do not deserve my excuses. I convince myself that this is right and this is what I feel and despite others suggestions they are incorrect. I am in control of my situation. Hardly. When we convince ourselves that something is true and that becomes our reality.
So many women that I love have allowed themselves to become a reality created by media sources and hyper masculinity. So many men that I adore have allowed other men to convince them that they have to mistreat women to be cool. That emotions are not logical and that this is to be perceived as weakness. The world is convinced that we should not speak of negative emotions, or sadness. I am sad, but happy. How ironic? My mother is the main source of my sadness. I live everyday knowing that I could wake up and not have her here....I begin to question if I will ever be able to be ready for marriage without her there. I question my ability to ever become a mother. I question what I have done in life to deserve such a terrible thing to happen. I attempt to ignore her. I pretend that nothing exists. I am not the daughter I hoped to be. I've turned into something I can not recognize. I make excuses and surround myself with work to forget. Yet, I am happy. I am constantly reminded how precious life is. I feel as though my success will allow my mother to see that she did the most amazing job a woman could ever do at raising her children. That I will be okay. That I know life will always go on. I am strong, capable, and I... I can do this.
As much as I believe I can do this a piece of me wants to run away, start a new life. Heck maybe even go by Zoe. Maybe drop the Alexis. No. I am Alexis Zoe Waters. My full name defines me. So I write. I write my heart out to anyone who will listen. I write to show the world that it is much greater than us and though it may seem bleak it is still full of tremendous beauty. I write to show other young adults that they can survive and that there is life beyond the pain and struggle. I speak to those who are experiencing what I have had to endure. I want women to be strong and not feel as though they must be defined by a male. Sure I love attention and affection. I am smitten with love I will not deny the comfort and beauty I find in having a person to share memories with. However, memories are not worth sharing with people not worthy of you. Not everyone will love you. You can not force anything upon anyone, but all you can do is let somebody inside and let them decide whether your heart is worth it. I have learned that in life we must never sacrifice who we are for another person. That when we feel alone and as if our wold is crashing on us we must rise above it. As cliche as it sounds its' not about the amount of punches thrown at you, it's about always getting back up. Always persevering.
I've noticed that people seem to get upset over such petty things. Why? I feel as though we need to enjoy our lives. My life is rough, but I am so happy with the life I have. I pray everyday for all those who are still searching for their happiness, because I understand the darkness that life can cover people in. I wish to remind each and every person of the beauty inside of them and show them the wonders the world brings. There is a lot of pain and struggle in the world, but it is there to remind us just how lucky we are to be waking up in the morning and have what we do. Love you all. Never be afraid to be yourself and never be afraid to speak your mind. When they take your voice they take everything from you.
<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe
I needed this today (though I did not drive to see the stars) on my way back from work I blasted my music. Fake Empire by The National came on and I suddenly felt this huge burst of inspiration. I began to sing my little heart out to one of my all time favorite songs on this planet. I felt my emotions rushing through my body and my heart beat a little quicker. I'm not afraid to admit that I am emotional and that this new zodiac business is bullcrap because I most certainty am not a Gemini. They are heartless. I am a cancer and I am emotional. Tears began to stream down my eyes as I continued to sing. Remembering all of the times I was told I would never sing and the moment I made a musical.
"I can sing." I said to myself. "I am going to make a video of me singing it and let the world hear it even though I still know this isn't a strong suit."
Then I thought about it. My strong suit. I'm the emotional actress I can bring tears to your eyes. I can make you wish you were never born because my words can be so cold, drab, and depressing. Perhaps this is not the most desired trait unless it is presented on stage. What am I talented at? What defines Alexis Zoe Waters? Words. My blogs are essentially my streams of thought that I can not begin to go about verbalizing. When I want to speak with myself instead of saying it out loud I come here to my blog. No I am not a crazy person, but I just have so much that I want to share with the world. The dumbfounded looks I get when I speak about things in person with others kind of discourages me from continuing on, but this is precisely why I want to continue on the path I have began to build for myself. I want to encourage deep thought. I want the world to feel the way in which I feel. Though I know nobody will ever feel what I feel, because we are all unique beings within ourselves I just want the world to not fear.
My friend asked me advice last night. I enjoy giving advice because it allows me to help make sense of situations in different perceptives for others. I feel it is essential to understand a situation in many different contexts. She was very dismissive of my advice. I love her dearly and I completely understand this type of behavior. I am the same exact way. I dismiss the negative. I make excuses for people that do not deserve my excuses. I convince myself that this is right and this is what I feel and despite others suggestions they are incorrect. I am in control of my situation. Hardly. When we convince ourselves that something is true and that becomes our reality.
So many women that I love have allowed themselves to become a reality created by media sources and hyper masculinity. So many men that I adore have allowed other men to convince them that they have to mistreat women to be cool. That emotions are not logical and that this is to be perceived as weakness. The world is convinced that we should not speak of negative emotions, or sadness. I am sad, but happy. How ironic? My mother is the main source of my sadness. I live everyday knowing that I could wake up and not have her here....I begin to question if I will ever be able to be ready for marriage without her there. I question my ability to ever become a mother. I question what I have done in life to deserve such a terrible thing to happen. I attempt to ignore her. I pretend that nothing exists. I am not the daughter I hoped to be. I've turned into something I can not recognize. I make excuses and surround myself with work to forget. Yet, I am happy. I am constantly reminded how precious life is. I feel as though my success will allow my mother to see that she did the most amazing job a woman could ever do at raising her children. That I will be okay. That I know life will always go on. I am strong, capable, and I... I can do this.
As much as I believe I can do this a piece of me wants to run away, start a new life. Heck maybe even go by Zoe. Maybe drop the Alexis. No. I am Alexis Zoe Waters. My full name defines me. So I write. I write my heart out to anyone who will listen. I write to show the world that it is much greater than us and though it may seem bleak it is still full of tremendous beauty. I write to show other young adults that they can survive and that there is life beyond the pain and struggle. I speak to those who are experiencing what I have had to endure. I want women to be strong and not feel as though they must be defined by a male. Sure I love attention and affection. I am smitten with love I will not deny the comfort and beauty I find in having a person to share memories with. However, memories are not worth sharing with people not worthy of you. Not everyone will love you. You can not force anything upon anyone, but all you can do is let somebody inside and let them decide whether your heart is worth it. I have learned that in life we must never sacrifice who we are for another person. That when we feel alone and as if our wold is crashing on us we must rise above it. As cliche as it sounds its' not about the amount of punches thrown at you, it's about always getting back up. Always persevering.
I've noticed that people seem to get upset over such petty things. Why? I feel as though we need to enjoy our lives. My life is rough, but I am so happy with the life I have. I pray everyday for all those who are still searching for their happiness, because I understand the darkness that life can cover people in. I wish to remind each and every person of the beauty inside of them and show them the wonders the world brings. There is a lot of pain and struggle in the world, but it is there to remind us just how lucky we are to be waking up in the morning and have what we do. Love you all. Never be afraid to be yourself and never be afraid to speak your mind. When they take your voice they take everything from you.
<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Dear Life.
Life,
Don't get me wrong I adore you most of the time. Tonight is an exception to that most statement. What compels you to provide so much negativity to someone so positive? I attempt to see the good in every negative experience, but at this point I am unable to see through the negative that has ensued today. This morning I awoke at 1:52am. Not believing I had slept over 11 hours I ran in search of another time source. Sure enough the clock read 1:52am. I began to frantically run around my room, throwing on uniform gear and attempting to remember where I placed my badge. I normally hang my badge on a dresser, but in a stream of unconscious zombie living I realized I had placed it somewhere else. Instead of being crazy, pouty Lexy I sat at the edge of my bed and attempted to use another tactic to finding an airport badge.
"If I was a badge...." I thought "Where on earth would I put myself?"
After a few minutes of deep thought the most obvious and brilliant idea popped into my head. The table as I enter the apartment! When I arrived at the table a few short steps away there it was laying with my little face smiling back at me. I threw my combat boots on and shot out the door. As I approached my car I saw a mound of snow lying on top. I had been completely oblivious that while I slept snow slowly incrued on my little car.
"Great. I have 2 minutes to clean this sucker off and warm him up." I blurted.
I got my blue, ice murdering stick of death and began to chizzle at my frozen car. When I started my car I felt a chill. My car was now a capsule holding cold as if it had turned into a freezer overnight. Chizzle. Chizzle. I ran around my car, snow getting into my combat boots and up my warm, fluffy sweat pants. Finally the mound was lessened. There was not enough time to clean off the entire mound, thus driving became somewhat difficult. I drove slowly in fear that the mound that survived my attack would fly into my windshield making the day of work become negated. The snow from the mound slowly brushed into my windshield as I drove the lonely, dark, desolate roads to the airport. Finally, I arrived in great timing! 2:35 am and I still had ten minutes before I had to clock in. I saw a Cruiser and parked next to my bff at work.
He teased me saying "I know you don't want to go to work!" Chuckles followed.
"You will never believe what happened to me this morning! I think I'm flipping my lid and I'm only 22 years young!" I began.
As I described the story my darling friend listened intently. When I got past security I ran to my coffee machine. I made a promise to that machine that I would never fail to get coffee from it and heaven knows I could never go back on that commitment. I smiled at work describing my story in vivid detail to all who wanted to listen to me rant and get excited about the possibility of sleeping through this job for the first time. Freight became extremely light and I began to question what happened. Our Wednesdays were hardly ever this slow and I kind of wanted to toss some pretty flower packages and smell them as they passed. Or even pineapples.
"We have three late flights. Two are coming at 6:30 can you stay?"
Can I stay... But, but.... BUT! I have another job and class tonight. When will I ever rest? When will I ever get at least 30 minutes of exercise in? But... but.... but THINK OF THE MONEY! All I have to do is sit around. I'm in. Crazy, but I am totally down for this late flight business. So I stayed and waited. I sat and chit chatted about my school endevaors.
"So what are you going for your associates or bachelors?" My favorite lady in the metroplex asked.
"My masters." I said smugley.
"What are you serious? That's amazing." I was presented with warm, welcome arms. I gladly flew into them seeing as I adore affection. "We have to do something special for her. Hear that? She's going for her masters we have to do something really special."
What do I do in these types of circumstances? Yes I know it's quite the accomplishment, but I see it as something I just love and did for myself. Not really to brag or say look at me I'm 22 and will have a M.A. Plus I don't want to jinx myself for graduation for I have yet to graduate. I smiled and blushed.
"Might be going for the PhD too if I am accepted." I said to draw attention away from the impending.
Her eyes shot wide open as she smiled at me. I sat and attempted to slowly stray the conversation away from my own personal successes. I do not enjoy gloating and am unsure of how to take all the compliments that fly my way despite them constantly being spit at me. The flight was light, but the drama that occurred was too much for my sweet little heart to handle. I just listened, nodded, and acted as if I agreed with everyone. Though this isn't always the best strategy I find it much easier then actually saying something substantial. I love everyone I can't really comprehend this whole "not getting along" business.
As I left I made a tough decision to not sleep until arrived home from class. This may have been a dumb move on my part, but I've become attuned with going days without sleep and I feel as though the zombie Lexy actually enjoys being a present and active part of my life. I got home and sat online kind of bummed out about a lot of things. Mostly the feeling I have of having no one around all these silly holidays. Partly because I was requiring cuddling, but had no one. Mainly because I wanted to speak to someone, anyone, but alas no one was online at such hours of the morning. I slowly got up from my snuggly comforter to dance my little butt off to my zumba game. As I looked in the mirror I noticed that I have actually began to thin out. The progress reminded me of how dedicated and capable I am of doing whatever I set my mind to. It encouraged me to dance my butt off even harder than I previously thought I would. I danced. Danced the morning away. Danced my frustrations out. Danced to the beat of life.
Before I knew it I was frantically dolling myself up for my next job and class. I chose brown and fancy turquoise jewelry today. Perhaps the most exciting part of my day is dressing up. It gives me so much confidence and makes me feel so good when I look adorable and get compliments on how adorable I look. I'm not an attention seeker and don't need verification that I am pretty. I know this. I just enjoy looking good and being complimented on my work. When I arrived at school I got smiles and was all around excited to be at school, not necessarily for work. I was greeted with a..
"Oh welcome back ready to finish all this work I have piled for you?"
Oh yes sir thrilled. I could not imagine any other thing I would rather be doing on my Wednesday afternoon after being up since 1:52 am. I began to work and divert to twitter, facebook, and other websites randomly. Of course I began to plan my shopping plans I had for the next day downtown. As I planned, got excited, and worked intermittently I was actually enjoying myself. Productively often makes me more happy then it should. I even began to fill out applications for various upcoming things such as another job and graduation. Before I knew it I was filling up my 5th cup of coffee for the day and running to class that began at 7:00pm. It was already 6:58pm. I arrived in class to see a bunch of people I didn't know (very odd for classes in my M.A. program), but also to familiar faces and hugs. Lots of lovely hugs from lovely people. It kind of cured my lonely feelings I had prior to class. We discussed life briefly and I sat intently listening to one of my favorite Professors.
She made me chuckle with her eccentric theatre personality and I even was assigned to talk about Elanor Roosevelt my hero! Perfect class and after class I sat and caught up even more with the ladies. They were so sweet telling me that I needed an alpha male and to not worry about such things. That I was a beautiful person and the person who got me someday would be lucky. I was also informed that men just chase the body and that it is rare men like a woman for their mind. Though I beg to differ on that statement there are many men who live by this. I kind of sort of adore the fact that they are always scouting for me and looking out for me when it comes to the relationship department. I always reply in the same manner to their concerns.
"I know. The right man will see that I am a real woman and that is what he will love me for. I am focusing on myself and when Mr. Right comes along I will welcome him with open arms." I reply smiling and kind of daydreaming about the moment this will happen.
I walked outside with one of my favs and we talked the entire way to the car. Once I entered my car I was feeling quite nostalgic. The day had went from bad, to decent, to me receiving plenty of compliments and cute advice. It was all fine and dandy until I started Cruiser Bruiser. I felt my car having what I imagine a car seizure would look like if cars could have seizures. It convulsed, flickered its lights, and scared the living daylights out of me. I turned it off and let it relax for a minute. When I turned it on the check engine light was on. This happened to me last month and the light ended up leaving so I assumed it was just a light switch malfunction. In an attempt to save money I decided that it would be acceptable to not take the car in only to be charged hundreds of dollars. Now I was convinced I made a poor decision. My car's main organ was malfunctioning and it appeared as though my shopping spree would have to be put on hold.
When I arrived home I felt exhausted, drained, more than zombified more like shot down on life. I realized that I still had a ton of work to do on everything and began to question what I was even doing in life. This seems to happen after negative days where I feel as though my life is just a slew of negative that I attempt to convince myself occurs for a reason to help me transform it into positive. The sodden lexy is no longer here. I have convinced myself that perhaps this is a wake up call. Life sucks! For everyone. Whether you believe that it does or not you're still going to have suck days. Imagine a life without suck days though. Would you even enjoy any days, because if they are all good what is there to compare it to? I mean this day is suck, but tomorrow who knows maybe it wont suck or it will suck more. This essentially means that in the future my suck day will be negated by a sweet, kickass day. This theory has caused me to decide that this weekend I will have a kickass, fantastic weekend full of adventure and fun. Indeed, there will be lots of consumption and memories to be had. Maybe even a little mini vacation somewhere, seeing as I have no school or work monday thanks to MLK. Thank you dear, darling, daring man. The three D's of success and gratitude.
I suppose I should end this novel, before it becomes something that has a substantial amount of words to actually produce a publishable text. Until then my dear friends hope you all have good days and less sucky days!
Yours truly,
Alexis Zoe
Don't get me wrong I adore you most of the time. Tonight is an exception to that most statement. What compels you to provide so much negativity to someone so positive? I attempt to see the good in every negative experience, but at this point I am unable to see through the negative that has ensued today. This morning I awoke at 1:52am. Not believing I had slept over 11 hours I ran in search of another time source. Sure enough the clock read 1:52am. I began to frantically run around my room, throwing on uniform gear and attempting to remember where I placed my badge. I normally hang my badge on a dresser, but in a stream of unconscious zombie living I realized I had placed it somewhere else. Instead of being crazy, pouty Lexy I sat at the edge of my bed and attempted to use another tactic to finding an airport badge.
"If I was a badge...." I thought "Where on earth would I put myself?"
After a few minutes of deep thought the most obvious and brilliant idea popped into my head. The table as I enter the apartment! When I arrived at the table a few short steps away there it was laying with my little face smiling back at me. I threw my combat boots on and shot out the door. As I approached my car I saw a mound of snow lying on top. I had been completely oblivious that while I slept snow slowly incrued on my little car.
"Great. I have 2 minutes to clean this sucker off and warm him up." I blurted.
I got my blue, ice murdering stick of death and began to chizzle at my frozen car. When I started my car I felt a chill. My car was now a capsule holding cold as if it had turned into a freezer overnight. Chizzle. Chizzle. I ran around my car, snow getting into my combat boots and up my warm, fluffy sweat pants. Finally the mound was lessened. There was not enough time to clean off the entire mound, thus driving became somewhat difficult. I drove slowly in fear that the mound that survived my attack would fly into my windshield making the day of work become negated. The snow from the mound slowly brushed into my windshield as I drove the lonely, dark, desolate roads to the airport. Finally, I arrived in great timing! 2:35 am and I still had ten minutes before I had to clock in. I saw a Cruiser and parked next to my bff at work.
He teased me saying "I know you don't want to go to work!" Chuckles followed.
"You will never believe what happened to me this morning! I think I'm flipping my lid and I'm only 22 years young!" I began.
As I described the story my darling friend listened intently. When I got past security I ran to my coffee machine. I made a promise to that machine that I would never fail to get coffee from it and heaven knows I could never go back on that commitment. I smiled at work describing my story in vivid detail to all who wanted to listen to me rant and get excited about the possibility of sleeping through this job for the first time. Freight became extremely light and I began to question what happened. Our Wednesdays were hardly ever this slow and I kind of wanted to toss some pretty flower packages and smell them as they passed. Or even pineapples.
"We have three late flights. Two are coming at 6:30 can you stay?"
Can I stay... But, but.... BUT! I have another job and class tonight. When will I ever rest? When will I ever get at least 30 minutes of exercise in? But... but.... but THINK OF THE MONEY! All I have to do is sit around. I'm in. Crazy, but I am totally down for this late flight business. So I stayed and waited. I sat and chit chatted about my school endevaors.
"So what are you going for your associates or bachelors?" My favorite lady in the metroplex asked.
"My masters." I said smugley.
"What are you serious? That's amazing." I was presented with warm, welcome arms. I gladly flew into them seeing as I adore affection. "We have to do something special for her. Hear that? She's going for her masters we have to do something really special."
What do I do in these types of circumstances? Yes I know it's quite the accomplishment, but I see it as something I just love and did for myself. Not really to brag or say look at me I'm 22 and will have a M.A. Plus I don't want to jinx myself for graduation for I have yet to graduate. I smiled and blushed.
"Might be going for the PhD too if I am accepted." I said to draw attention away from the impending.
Her eyes shot wide open as she smiled at me. I sat and attempted to slowly stray the conversation away from my own personal successes. I do not enjoy gloating and am unsure of how to take all the compliments that fly my way despite them constantly being spit at me. The flight was light, but the drama that occurred was too much for my sweet little heart to handle. I just listened, nodded, and acted as if I agreed with everyone. Though this isn't always the best strategy I find it much easier then actually saying something substantial. I love everyone I can't really comprehend this whole "not getting along" business.
As I left I made a tough decision to not sleep until arrived home from class. This may have been a dumb move on my part, but I've become attuned with going days without sleep and I feel as though the zombie Lexy actually enjoys being a present and active part of my life. I got home and sat online kind of bummed out about a lot of things. Mostly the feeling I have of having no one around all these silly holidays. Partly because I was requiring cuddling, but had no one. Mainly because I wanted to speak to someone, anyone, but alas no one was online at such hours of the morning. I slowly got up from my snuggly comforter to dance my little butt off to my zumba game. As I looked in the mirror I noticed that I have actually began to thin out. The progress reminded me of how dedicated and capable I am of doing whatever I set my mind to. It encouraged me to dance my butt off even harder than I previously thought I would. I danced. Danced the morning away. Danced my frustrations out. Danced to the beat of life.
Before I knew it I was frantically dolling myself up for my next job and class. I chose brown and fancy turquoise jewelry today. Perhaps the most exciting part of my day is dressing up. It gives me so much confidence and makes me feel so good when I look adorable and get compliments on how adorable I look. I'm not an attention seeker and don't need verification that I am pretty. I know this. I just enjoy looking good and being complimented on my work. When I arrived at school I got smiles and was all around excited to be at school, not necessarily for work. I was greeted with a..
"Oh welcome back ready to finish all this work I have piled for you?"
Oh yes sir thrilled. I could not imagine any other thing I would rather be doing on my Wednesday afternoon after being up since 1:52 am. I began to work and divert to twitter, facebook, and other websites randomly. Of course I began to plan my shopping plans I had for the next day downtown. As I planned, got excited, and worked intermittently I was actually enjoying myself. Productively often makes me more happy then it should. I even began to fill out applications for various upcoming things such as another job and graduation. Before I knew it I was filling up my 5th cup of coffee for the day and running to class that began at 7:00pm. It was already 6:58pm. I arrived in class to see a bunch of people I didn't know (very odd for classes in my M.A. program), but also to familiar faces and hugs. Lots of lovely hugs from lovely people. It kind of cured my lonely feelings I had prior to class. We discussed life briefly and I sat intently listening to one of my favorite Professors.
She made me chuckle with her eccentric theatre personality and I even was assigned to talk about Elanor Roosevelt my hero! Perfect class and after class I sat and caught up even more with the ladies. They were so sweet telling me that I needed an alpha male and to not worry about such things. That I was a beautiful person and the person who got me someday would be lucky. I was also informed that men just chase the body and that it is rare men like a woman for their mind. Though I beg to differ on that statement there are many men who live by this. I kind of sort of adore the fact that they are always scouting for me and looking out for me when it comes to the relationship department. I always reply in the same manner to their concerns.
"I know. The right man will see that I am a real woman and that is what he will love me for. I am focusing on myself and when Mr. Right comes along I will welcome him with open arms." I reply smiling and kind of daydreaming about the moment this will happen.
I walked outside with one of my favs and we talked the entire way to the car. Once I entered my car I was feeling quite nostalgic. The day had went from bad, to decent, to me receiving plenty of compliments and cute advice. It was all fine and dandy until I started Cruiser Bruiser. I felt my car having what I imagine a car seizure would look like if cars could have seizures. It convulsed, flickered its lights, and scared the living daylights out of me. I turned it off and let it relax for a minute. When I turned it on the check engine light was on. This happened to me last month and the light ended up leaving so I assumed it was just a light switch malfunction. In an attempt to save money I decided that it would be acceptable to not take the car in only to be charged hundreds of dollars. Now I was convinced I made a poor decision. My car's main organ was malfunctioning and it appeared as though my shopping spree would have to be put on hold.
When I arrived home I felt exhausted, drained, more than zombified more like shot down on life. I realized that I still had a ton of work to do on everything and began to question what I was even doing in life. This seems to happen after negative days where I feel as though my life is just a slew of negative that I attempt to convince myself occurs for a reason to help me transform it into positive. The sodden lexy is no longer here. I have convinced myself that perhaps this is a wake up call. Life sucks! For everyone. Whether you believe that it does or not you're still going to have suck days. Imagine a life without suck days though. Would you even enjoy any days, because if they are all good what is there to compare it to? I mean this day is suck, but tomorrow who knows maybe it wont suck or it will suck more. This essentially means that in the future my suck day will be negated by a sweet, kickass day. This theory has caused me to decide that this weekend I will have a kickass, fantastic weekend full of adventure and fun. Indeed, there will be lots of consumption and memories to be had. Maybe even a little mini vacation somewhere, seeing as I have no school or work monday thanks to MLK. Thank you dear, darling, daring man. The three D's of success and gratitude.
I suppose I should end this novel, before it becomes something that has a substantial amount of words to actually produce a publishable text. Until then my dear friends hope you all have good days and less sucky days!
Yours truly,
Alexis Zoe
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
When You Love Yourself You Love Life.
My darling dear blog readers,
Though I like to believe that there is an extremely large group of you I'm aware that there are possibly only a couple people who actually take the time to read my novel of blogs. Alas, I find that the internet has become my way of expressing myself. If you actually do read this leave me a comment. I don't bite... I promise you I will not prejudge you if you should write something unexciting. Anyways, I had this brilliant idea of what to write while I was swimming. The brilliance began to deteriorate as I walked back to my apartment and finally when I arrived it was gone. I will attempt to write something just as riveting as what was originally in my head, but I'm making no promises.
The feeling of my feet against any kind of hard surface, moving at extremely quick paces makes me feel free and is as close to flying as I can imagine flying would feel like without actually being in an airplane or growing wings. Yes, I am aware that was a run-on sentence. After being injured for over a month and being advised to not do any sort of physical activity I felt my body slowly growing and my mouth moving more quickly out of sheer boredom. Alas, hulk Lexy is back and more fierce then ever. I spent nearly 3 hours working out today and it felt fantastic. I believe that the best feeling in the entire world is the pain you feel before a workout from your previous workout and working out the pain. I understand that this is kind of strange, but nobody said I was normal. I ran 4 miles and only stopped because my iPhone decided to become possessed by some sort of demon voice control bug and kept shutting away my music leaving me swearing and causing the dude next to me chuckle at my frustrations and naughty words. I decided that if I continued my frustrations I would inevitably break my phone and this would be worse then a malfunctioning voice control setting so I hopped off the treadmill to bike 5 miles. Though a stationary bike is convenient for winter I miss spidey sitting down there by his lonesome. Call me five years old I don't care, but I love my bicycle and named him after my favorite super hero! I want to get spidey a friend a classic bike. Always wanted a classic and am considering this golden schwinn that kind of sort of matches my car. How adorable would that be? Attach my bike that matches my car to go on bike rides in different cities. Joy :)
So by coincidence my memory was just sparked as to what I wanted to write. When I am in class my mind is put to ease. I find it increasingly difficult to have intellectual conversations in today's day and age. People just shut off their minds so quickly it becomes near impossible to be able to discuss anything. Today this discussion also came up at work. I live my life in a very specific way that will never falter no matter how convincing the other person attempts to be. I believe that we are capable of doing everything. What does this mean? If I wanted to become a surgeon I could... With enough practice and confidence in myself. If I wanted to iceskate I sure could figure it out over time. In my heart and mind I do not prejudge and I am constantly open to new ideas and new challenges, because I believe that I will be able to accomplish them and it will teach me something only enhancing my knowledge bank. Well rounded people who are able to see the world in different angles are so much more unique and exciting. My theory is that people have become so accepting of safety. They long to please others and in the process end up displeasing themselves. They limit themselves because they believe that is what they must do, and most of all they are lazy. Yes, I am calling most of the people in the world lazy.
The question of "How do you do all that you do? Do you ever sleep?" Pops of frequently in discussions with others. I simply tell them this. I do it because I know I'm capable and can with a smile. Of course I am human and not a zombie. I actually do require sleep and some down time to just let my brain be stupid for a while; however, I am constantly learning and growing in any progression of life. I find time to do the things I love such as write in this blog as well as be responsible. Working doesn't cause me pain and suffering like most people. I'm actually extremely excited when I've accomplished something. I enjoy making money, because I like to stimulate the economy. Okay, lies I have expensive taste and am obsessed with being adorable but if I want to feed addictions, move out, and pay off my debt I need to work. Class brings me pleasure and I am extremely intrigued by the theories that come with academia. Finally, working out is just something you do for yourself. Sure when I get to the gym and I glare at the treadmill I secretly whisper to myself. "I hate you" and remember how much pain it is while attempting to reach my mile goals. Once I am running I feel free and I feel like if you love yourself you take care of yourself. When I run I feel like it is the ultimate test of my strength, especially since I usually run on minimal sleep. I find that when I work my hardest at everything I am happier.
So where does this bring us now? Happiness. What is this thing we call happiness? It doesn't exist. Happiness is not concrete. There is no dictionary definition (okay well maybe there is, but it can not clearly be defined). Why can't we define happiness? I mean afterall isn't everything able to be matched with something concrete. My dear friends here is where you are mistaken. Happiness, love, sadness they all arise from different emotions that are unique to each person in the world. What makes me happy may make somebody else miserable, like for example, running 6 miles. I am finally happy and I finally understand what happiness is. Happiness is seeing those I love happy and being able to constantly put smiles on their faces. Happiness is helping people in the world less fortunate than myself or who just feel alone. Being capable to me is being happy and having confidence in yourself. Happiness is when you go out with someone and make fun memories that are unique to you and that person or people. Happiness is when you are riding your bike along the lake and in deep thought just enjoying the natural world (as natural as Chicago gets. Thanks Lake Michigan!). Going on adventures and being spontaneous now that is happiness. Taking risks and chances even if it means it may cause you sadness, because if you don't take a risk in life you never know what the result might have been. Taking a long drive out somewhere to explore someone new and watching the stars. That's beautiful and that is happiness. Listening to good music, singing your heart out, and dancing in tights and a cute dress that is the epitome of happiness. Dressing up in my white sox gear to watch them destroy whatever pathetic team that attempts to show them up, now that is bliss. Snuggling, cozy on a fall day with a hot beverage or a beer watching the leaves that is PURE happiness to me. Dabbling in vintage items, history, and museums so much to be learned and so much to be happy about. Flying kites, having picnics, and acting silly and young again oh so happy. Being alive, making memories, being loved, and loving yourself that is my definition of happiness. I have come to love myself more than ever before and I am beautiful.
My beauty is beyond my exterior it is inside. I have so much love and so much heart to give to this world and I am going to use my gifts. My thirst for knowledge, living, and caring will be the light of my life. I want so much for my life, because I am aware that for now all I know is that I'm living. Everyday I wake up is a miracle and every moment I spend with those I love is a miracle. I'm completely smitten with my life and feel success and a new chapter opening up. I'm ready to finish my book. I'm ready to get my thesis polished and publishable. I can't wait to decorate my own little apartment when I move. Running, biking, and swimming are going to be a part of weekly regime. So many new memories will be had with my friends. Oh gosh, guys I love you all! I'm a dork, but I just am swelling with happiness :)
<3Always,
Your Alexis Zoe
Though I like to believe that there is an extremely large group of you I'm aware that there are possibly only a couple people who actually take the time to read my novel of blogs. Alas, I find that the internet has become my way of expressing myself. If you actually do read this leave me a comment. I don't bite... I promise you I will not prejudge you if you should write something unexciting. Anyways, I had this brilliant idea of what to write while I was swimming. The brilliance began to deteriorate as I walked back to my apartment and finally when I arrived it was gone. I will attempt to write something just as riveting as what was originally in my head, but I'm making no promises.
The feeling of my feet against any kind of hard surface, moving at extremely quick paces makes me feel free and is as close to flying as I can imagine flying would feel like without actually being in an airplane or growing wings. Yes, I am aware that was a run-on sentence. After being injured for over a month and being advised to not do any sort of physical activity I felt my body slowly growing and my mouth moving more quickly out of sheer boredom. Alas, hulk Lexy is back and more fierce then ever. I spent nearly 3 hours working out today and it felt fantastic. I believe that the best feeling in the entire world is the pain you feel before a workout from your previous workout and working out the pain. I understand that this is kind of strange, but nobody said I was normal. I ran 4 miles and only stopped because my iPhone decided to become possessed by some sort of demon voice control bug and kept shutting away my music leaving me swearing and causing the dude next to me chuckle at my frustrations and naughty words. I decided that if I continued my frustrations I would inevitably break my phone and this would be worse then a malfunctioning voice control setting so I hopped off the treadmill to bike 5 miles. Though a stationary bike is convenient for winter I miss spidey sitting down there by his lonesome. Call me five years old I don't care, but I love my bicycle and named him after my favorite super hero! I want to get spidey a friend a classic bike. Always wanted a classic and am considering this golden schwinn that kind of sort of matches my car. How adorable would that be? Attach my bike that matches my car to go on bike rides in different cities. Joy :)
<3Always,
Your Alexis Zoe
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Don't just stand there like a ghost in my room.
Time has progressed more rapidly then I could have ever imagined. In Communication Theory we discussed the notion of people becoming ghosts of their time. In other words televisions capture the image of others to "haunt" us years after they have passed. This post is not intended to discuss this theory or us becoming ghosts, but I feel as though time has progressed at such a rapid pace that the former "us" cease to exist. At times I feel as though the progressions I have made are riveting and beautiful. Other times they leave me sitting and questioning the past. I tend to not dwell on the past, because I can not change the past. Sometimes I wonder if I have actually learned from my mistakes or that I do know what I really want. With my friends changing so much and me still staying kind of the same I feel as though there is a need for a reflection of time. Just to better contextualize the person that I am.
Age 12: The twelve year old me. So precious, pure, innocent, and still unaware of what the world really is about. I still believed boys to have cooties and my most treasured memories was being able to see movies with my friends alone at a movie theater. How cool I no longer required a parent, unless of course the movie was rated R, but that was what sneaking in was for. Homework was such a chore and all I really wanted was to watch spiderman cartoons all day long. My hopes and ambitions did not yet exist. All I knew was I enjoyed acting and as far as I was concerned I was going to be a famous actress. My parents were my best friends. I was chubby, dorky, and carefree. I wasn't constantly wondering what people thought of me or where I was going in my life I just lived. I still baked cookies, but they were baked with my dad and brother. Little did I know someday I would bake alone and that the tradition would be kept alive through me. My best friend and I went to the mall one day and I spent 10 dollars and felt like that was a lot. I got a hello kitty pen and stuffed animal, best purchase ever for me that day. I also got my parents candy and to this day still do. Things fail to change much I suppose.
Age 16: The teenage Lexy. The girl who is fearless, but fears so many things. Boys kind of sort of look cute now. They no longer have cooties, but are so confusing. My dad explains to me that boys who are mean to you often like you, but this seems illogical to me. I'm nicknamed H20, Aqua, and Waters. At times I feel as though these nicknames aren't justifiable, because I am a girl and should not be addressed by my last name. Clearly that is for boys only. Girls and I rant about how illogical guys are and about our weight. At this age I am still overweight, but become obsessed with my weight. I claim I don't care what people think, but secretly I am constantly trying to be beautiful and dress to impress. School still is kind of a chore, but I am determined to do good. I have to get into college after all and if I fail I will be doomed for failure. I have a new found love with my bicycle and it becomes my salvation from the horrors of everyday life. I still want to be an actress. I audition for everything and despite getting cut several times I leave smiling and pressing on. My first play was the best moment of my life. I knew this is what I would be. My best friends and I were awesome and knew everything. My parents were just there to aggravate me and tell me things I couldn't do even though I was clearly responsible enough to do adult like things.There was constantly peer pressure to do the cool things like drugs and booze, but my heart was too good. This caused me a lot of grief and I became deemed one of the unpopular, dorky drama kids.
Age 18: I have no decided that alcohol is not as bad as I once considered it and that I actually enjoyed the consumption. Though I rarely did it because I was ill. I no longer am worried about getting into college, because I have been accepted for acting and though I still love acting I begin to realize that maybe I shouldn't be wasting my college education. I no longer feel as though I will be an actress for a career and begin to ween away from that promising myself it would be a side career. Boys are completely and totally aggravating. Dating is a headache full of heartbreak and though I find boys adorable sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the trouble. I hate my job, I hate responsibility, I'm confused about what life is all about, and I just want to go out with my friends and forget that I grew up. My mom becomes sick and my life is completely altered. I am obsessed with tea and will drink it anywhere at any time. I love adventures downtown and wish I was 21 so I could go to bars and know what it's like to party like a grown up instead of just going to 18+ places and having to get those ugly x's at bars when I go to shows. So unattractive. I still am close to my parents, but my friends have become more important. I feel lost.
Age 21: Awesome I can drink. I'm awesome. You all suck. I'm going to party like a rockstar and stay single and mingle. Nevermind, I have a boyfriend. Again. Always. I hate my boyfriend. Why do I date again? I miss my ex boyfriend.... Why does my boyfriend not permit me to hang out with my ex boyfriend? Why do my friends think I'm a tramp because I like to make out he's the one who took a break. Wait a break means we're still not allowed to do things? Screw that I'll make out with everyone, because I'm hot and 21. That was a painful break up, but that's what bars are for. Bars full of fun dancing, stripper poles, my girls, and lots of cute boys. Older mature boys go to bars, but as time progresses I realize what these older mature boys really want. They don't want to give me what I've always wanted from a boy they want to tempt me in other ways. Their make out sessions are there in hopes that more will come from it. I question how open I want to be. I feel like if I don't guys won't like me, but I have morals. I'm educated. I'm getting my masters. Why don't guys like smart, pretty, sweet girls? Why do they go for the nasty girl next to me who probably can't even spell her own name? I love being a rockstar though. My best friends and I love being rockstars too and being single for once feels really nice. I'm free. I've waited my entire life for 21 now what?
One short year later. I'm 22, nearly 23. My friends are no longer rockstars with me. My main rockstar is now happily married with a child. My best friend is in her first relationship and is happier than ever. Everyone has somebody. My other best friend I rarely see anymore he has made new friends. The only rockstar friends I have now are older than me and I'm the one to always find the men. It still is not difficult for me to get attention, but this rockstar is starting to feel lonely. Playing the field is no longer as exciting to me anymore, but as much as I want to find someone to be serious with it seems more difficult than it's worth. Mom's progressively gotten worse. I find myself working two jobs and attempting to complete a masters unsure of whether or not I am capable of doing all of this. I just continue to push forward in hopes that this will bring something wonderful. My new dream career is academia. Funny how at one point of my life I detested homework and now I love it. Instead of focusing on negative things and being lonely I focus on myself. I feel like I have to continue to do things to better myself. I am in love with vintage things, always was, but now am making that a huge part of my life. I hang out with my dad more than I hang out with my friends, because he just gets it. I need someone who just gets it and who can give me productive advice. Sometimes I still feel as though my friends are still naive. When my parents say no I refuse to listen and just do now. I'm an adult and it's time to live my life. I contemplate moving out on a daily basis and actually embrace the day that I will be completely responsible for myself. Responsibility no longer scares me.
It's kind of funny how we grow up. Seeing all my friends starting families and new chapters of their lives is really a beautiful thing and I know I have grown so much in the past several years. I feel as though life really does pass us by and this is why I have decided that I need to live more. I need to see the world more. I travel a lot on my own, because I want to see the world out there. We're only young once and though people say "you're a baby" before I know it another 10 years will go by and I may have a family. May not be able to do all of the things I once was able to do while young. Sure I don't have the funding to really support the things I would like to do, but that's what's great about being 22. I don't have to listen to my parents, but for now while I'm living with my parents I don't really pay that many bills. I am determined to just do things for myself and let life happen. It seems that the former "self" I was became consumed with defining the future. I have accepted that I can not alter the future, because it does not yet exist. I'm creating it and what better way create it then do things I am passionate about and love. I believe that in time I will be like my friends, but in the mean time I am going to live for me. My confidence and style has finally matched what I have always sort of desired and it makes me feel good when I look good. I am young and living my dreams and I really hope that someday I will become a professor. I know that if that is what the future has for me that it will be.
I suppose this blog was just a reflection of the progression of time. My new philosophy of life. Let it be.
Love always,
Alexis Zoe
Age 12: The twelve year old me. So precious, pure, innocent, and still unaware of what the world really is about. I still believed boys to have cooties and my most treasured memories was being able to see movies with my friends alone at a movie theater. How cool I no longer required a parent, unless of course the movie was rated R, but that was what sneaking in was for. Homework was such a chore and all I really wanted was to watch spiderman cartoons all day long. My hopes and ambitions did not yet exist. All I knew was I enjoyed acting and as far as I was concerned I was going to be a famous actress. My parents were my best friends. I was chubby, dorky, and carefree. I wasn't constantly wondering what people thought of me or where I was going in my life I just lived. I still baked cookies, but they were baked with my dad and brother. Little did I know someday I would bake alone and that the tradition would be kept alive through me. My best friend and I went to the mall one day and I spent 10 dollars and felt like that was a lot. I got a hello kitty pen and stuffed animal, best purchase ever for me that day. I also got my parents candy and to this day still do. Things fail to change much I suppose.
One short year later. I'm 22, nearly 23. My friends are no longer rockstars with me. My main rockstar is now happily married with a child. My best friend is in her first relationship and is happier than ever. Everyone has somebody. My other best friend I rarely see anymore he has made new friends. The only rockstar friends I have now are older than me and I'm the one to always find the men. It still is not difficult for me to get attention, but this rockstar is starting to feel lonely. Playing the field is no longer as exciting to me anymore, but as much as I want to find someone to be serious with it seems more difficult than it's worth. Mom's progressively gotten worse. I find myself working two jobs and attempting to complete a masters unsure of whether or not I am capable of doing all of this. I just continue to push forward in hopes that this will bring something wonderful. My new dream career is academia. Funny how at one point of my life I detested homework and now I love it. Instead of focusing on negative things and being lonely I focus on myself. I feel like I have to continue to do things to better myself. I am in love with vintage things, always was, but now am making that a huge part of my life. I hang out with my dad more than I hang out with my friends, because he just gets it. I need someone who just gets it and who can give me productive advice. Sometimes I still feel as though my friends are still naive. When my parents say no I refuse to listen and just do now. I'm an adult and it's time to live my life. I contemplate moving out on a daily basis and actually embrace the day that I will be completely responsible for myself. Responsibility no longer scares me.
I suppose this blog was just a reflection of the progression of time. My new philosophy of life. Let it be.
Love always,
Alexis Zoe
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I'll undress if you need it, but please don't need it.
If you need it I'll scream out. Weave a secret I will sweep it beneath the carpet. Where you'll keep it, how weak is that? Wish I was worth it to you. Review my wishes for fare weather. Because I know if theres clouds and it rains and snows you won't be there. How weak is that? Wish I was worth it to you. P.S I want to have a sleepover like the image below!
I'm experiencing a kind of indescribable state of being currently. I'm not sure how to contextualize my situation in life right now, but all I can say is that I am living and putting forth my best effort. The more I live the more I have come to learn so many darling things about the world. Working physical labor has not been as terrible as I initially thought it to be. Though I'm still slightly put of telling people that I handle packages I enjoy the job. My coworkers are really what make me enjoy myself. I'm drawn to one person in particular and he always gives me so many wonderful stories. People's personal storybooks are riveting. He disclosed something to me today, which is not internet worthy, during our conversation and paused for a moment after wards.
"I've never told anyone that before," he said with a stunned look on his face.
I didn't want to crack a huge smile as if to mock him so I politely gave a small curl of the lip. He smiled at me and continued on with his conversation. It makes me feel good when people tell me that they never told anyone a piece of information. It's not that I feel special and have learned something nobody else has ever known, but it makes me feel as though I make others feel comfortable around me. The most exciting part of my life has been hearing others narratives and learning and growing from them. So many people have taught me so much about the world I would have never known. Another co-worker of mine began to talk about the lottery. He always encourages me to play, because he says that you never know when your lucky day can be. Then he began to tell me how if he won he'd donate a lot of money and help the poor. It nearly brought me to tears when he was discussing with me how he knows what it's like to struggle. My parents know what it's liek to struggle. I'm learning what it's like to struggle, but still am so much more fortunate than others. He gave a family pieces of clothing for the holidays and it really made me admire him. I have such a sensitive and soft heart that I get touched by moving stories such as these. I suppose that's the cancer element of me :P, but in all seriousness it made me miss helping people.
When I went for my run today I was struggling to go beyond my first mile. My foot was locking up and my body was screaming at me. I began to sing in a very small voice to Gregory and the Hawk and The National to get me through my run. As I ran I began to have thoughts spew left and right, encouraging me to keep going telling me that this year was about greatness. That I needed to help. That's when a woman was talking about an eating disorder on the TV in front of me. Oprah was having some special on eating disorders and I felt the need to do something. I continued to feel my heart pulse faster in my chest and remembered the struggles I've had with my own body image. I watched these women become nearly bones and it dawned on me just how much I can do to help woman be comfortable in their own bodies. I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. I work on myself and have recently stopped beating myself up. I know that my exterior as well as my interior are beautiful and I know that people do see that beauty. I never was convinced of this until recently, believe it or not. The cocky girl people think me to be is not entirely me, but since I have finally become comfortable with me it's been wonderful. Self love is the most beautiful thing in the world, but so many people struggle to love themselves. They abuse their bodies and I want to stop this.
I also want to run for a cause. I've been saying this for some time now, but have always made excuses or been too "busy" to train. Eventually I would like to run the Chicago Marathon for cancer, but I believe starting with a half marathon may be more wise. Cancer has affected me so much and has become a part of my personal identity. My connection with the disease, as well as with women struggling to find beauty in themselves makes me capable of helping so many others who feel alone. The thought of people having to be alone disturbs me, but in today's society we are so fixated with getting on top and our own self interests that we ignore people's cries for help. If we could all just listen to one persons distress instead of making them feel as though they have no reason to be upset, the world could be a much happier place.
I normally rant about how new years are just a progression of time and are nothing special. I tend to be the debbie downer about some holidays and have always thought the new year to be somewhat silly and just an excuse to get intoxicated. This year I viewed the New Year quite differently. I saw it as most people do. A fresh start. The song The Puppet by Gregory and the Hawk defines who I was last year. I was a puppet to somebody, because of the uncertainty in my own life. I was worried about my jobs, how I'd finish all my school work, getting PhD apps in, and most of all my mother. All of this made me feel as though I couldn't be alone and so I became the puppet. I'm worth so much more than that and what I ultimately want this year is simplicity in complex terms. In other words, I want to enjoy the simple things I once did despite all the complexities life has thrown at me.
My most cherished moments in life are simple. Taking my bicycle out on a cool summer night and riding, looking at the forest and feeling the wind gust in my face. My hair flying all over as I pedal faster and enjoy the thrill of feeling young again. Or taking my bicycle down by the gorgeous lake and riding on the bike trail with the smell of water and blue waves gently pressing against the docks. Taking my darling car out for a stroll in the middle of nowhere midwest and prancing through corn fields, drinking coke out of bottles, and laying down a blanket to watch the stars. Going to a darling park with a picnic basket and some kites. Watch the kites radiant colors stand out against the blue background and eat wine and cheese. Go camping, sit around a campfire making smores and listening to acoustic music. Reading and writing on my balcony, sipping on wine or a hot beverage and looking at the beloved skyline. Enjoy deep conversations with others. Explore the city, thrift shop, antique malls, and best of all drinking a cup of coffee or tea where they brew fresh. :) This is making me incredibly happy, but I know this is where my happiness lies.
Hope you all do what you love in life and never forget you are never alone. Someone will always love you more than you love them.
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe
I'm experiencing a kind of indescribable state of being currently. I'm not sure how to contextualize my situation in life right now, but all I can say is that I am living and putting forth my best effort. The more I live the more I have come to learn so many darling things about the world. Working physical labor has not been as terrible as I initially thought it to be. Though I'm still slightly put of telling people that I handle packages I enjoy the job. My coworkers are really what make me enjoy myself. I'm drawn to one person in particular and he always gives me so many wonderful stories. People's personal storybooks are riveting. He disclosed something to me today, which is not internet worthy, during our conversation and paused for a moment after wards.
"I've never told anyone that before," he said with a stunned look on his face.
I didn't want to crack a huge smile as if to mock him so I politely gave a small curl of the lip. He smiled at me and continued on with his conversation. It makes me feel good when people tell me that they never told anyone a piece of information. It's not that I feel special and have learned something nobody else has ever known, but it makes me feel as though I make others feel comfortable around me. The most exciting part of my life has been hearing others narratives and learning and growing from them. So many people have taught me so much about the world I would have never known. Another co-worker of mine began to talk about the lottery. He always encourages me to play, because he says that you never know when your lucky day can be. Then he began to tell me how if he won he'd donate a lot of money and help the poor. It nearly brought me to tears when he was discussing with me how he knows what it's like to struggle. My parents know what it's liek to struggle. I'm learning what it's like to struggle, but still am so much more fortunate than others. He gave a family pieces of clothing for the holidays and it really made me admire him. I have such a sensitive and soft heart that I get touched by moving stories such as these. I suppose that's the cancer element of me :P, but in all seriousness it made me miss helping people.
I also want to run for a cause. I've been saying this for some time now, but have always made excuses or been too "busy" to train. Eventually I would like to run the Chicago Marathon for cancer, but I believe starting with a half marathon may be more wise. Cancer has affected me so much and has become a part of my personal identity. My connection with the disease, as well as with women struggling to find beauty in themselves makes me capable of helping so many others who feel alone. The thought of people having to be alone disturbs me, but in today's society we are so fixated with getting on top and our own self interests that we ignore people's cries for help. If we could all just listen to one persons distress instead of making them feel as though they have no reason to be upset, the world could be a much happier place.
I normally rant about how new years are just a progression of time and are nothing special. I tend to be the debbie downer about some holidays and have always thought the new year to be somewhat silly and just an excuse to get intoxicated. This year I viewed the New Year quite differently. I saw it as most people do. A fresh start. The song The Puppet by Gregory and the Hawk defines who I was last year. I was a puppet to somebody, because of the uncertainty in my own life. I was worried about my jobs, how I'd finish all my school work, getting PhD apps in, and most of all my mother. All of this made me feel as though I couldn't be alone and so I became the puppet. I'm worth so much more than that and what I ultimately want this year is simplicity in complex terms. In other words, I want to enjoy the simple things I once did despite all the complexities life has thrown at me.
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Time To Start Over.
As a child I was fascinated by my religion. Being Jewish was more than just a religion to me it embodied this concept of strength. My people fought for me, they were tortured, starved, beaten, and lived in scary, inhumane environments. Whenever I felt afraid or as if I did not have strength to carry on I prayed and I remembered all of those brave Jews. I'm tolerant of all religions. I believe that spirituality and your relationship with whatever you believe in is what is important. The second that you falter on what you believe in your heart is the minute you give a piece of yourself away. The most precious part of a person is their heart. The heart feels more than any place on your body. When I am scared, nervous, sad, or extremely excited my heart beats faster than comprehensible. Sometimes this fast tempo rhythm is welcomed like the feeling you get when you kiss someone that your heart has so many feelings for, but other times this rhythm is more of a headache than anything. In other instances are hearts remain calm, relaxed, and passive. When we are content with the day and happy with our lives our hearts run in sync with the rest of our bodies. Sometimes our hearts seem to skip a beat and other times they feel as if they've stopped. We express hurt by saying that our hearts break. My heart was broken this year not just by a man, but by life. This year was a year of self pity, and making excuses and I'm so thrilled to be done with it.
I lost myself. I almost gave away my strength and my relationship with g-d, because I was convinced my heart was in love though it felt otherwise. I convinced myself that my head was doing the thinking even though my soul knew that it wasn't. I sacrificed my best friend and am still struggling to accept that it was my own selfish acts that caused this. Though he is not as present as he once was I believe and know in my heart that he will always be there. I began to dress colorfully, gave up doing things I once enjoyed, and even began to disconnect myself from my friends. I became bitter, angry, and often attacked my friends. When I was feeling down on my luck I'd sit in my room crying alone, wishing that I had someone to tell me it'd be okay. Hoping that I could express myself and so I wrote. My academic work became about me being able to speak of issues I was having in my own personal life and it reflected in my work. It became less academic and more to me blog like. I'm working on correcting that now and know that it is going to take some work, but I realize that life can't be put on hold. I put life on hold last year. I held my breath and let 2010 pass me by in a matter of mere seconds. All of the work, things, and dreams I could have worked towards were diminished. I have begun to pick up the pieces and am determined to put together what was broken.
I began my New Year slightly bitter. I know that this is not the best attitude to have at New Years, but I suppose it is a longing to be with someone and experience the new year with someone. This I have never had and the thought of being lonely at the beginning of another year pulled at my heart strings. After talking with my girlfriends I was determined to turn this attitude around. It wasn't about the boys anymore. This year would not be about looking. This new year would be about me. It would be about me accomplishing all of my dreams and letting everyone know that I am worth so much. This would the year I give myself things, paying off my debt, running again, make agendas, and stop procrastinating. In 2011 the definition of life would not exist through others, but myself. The person I have always wanted to be and who I will continue to strive to be. Going out with my ladies, drinking, and being carefree and young was the most riveting feeling in the entire world. All of us were single and all of us just wanted to have fun with each other. The new year was not about going to some bar and finding some guy who'd kiss any girl willing; rather, it would be about us enjoying each others company and reminding us of who really cares.
So where exactly am I going with all of this gibber jabber? Well I was watching Little Fockers tonight (to see if I made it on the big screen!) with my father and had a splendid dinner with my parents. During Little Fockers I found myself tearing up again. Stiller was a family man and the passion and love he had for his family was incredible. It reminded me of my own family and the love my parents have for me. I long for that one day and at times I get completely discouraged. I begin to wonder if good men like my father exist in this world. My friends and mother figures tell me that I am very mature for my age and that I need to find someone with that same passion, determination, and lust for life. I have hope for human-kind, but at times it's hard to believe. People always tell me I'm beautiful and they can't believe nobody has sweeped me off my feet yet. I have learned that patience is the best thing you can do for yourself and satisfaction with being alone. I don't need anyone, but as I progress in life I am a little curious where my partner in crime might me and if he will live up to the man I envision. I don't want prince charming or mr. perfect I want to find my dancing partner :). This year I promised myself I would not make new years resolutions, but I feel compelled to. I feel like I need a definitive set of goals for myself so that I am able to live and fully recover from 2010. And so the list is as follows.
-Maintain a positive outlook. Though I know life can be rough I feel as though this year I was more pessimistic and that is not in my nature.
-Enjoy nature often. I.E. Camping, bike riding, and talking runs.
-Try cafe's instead of just my usual starbucks.
-Bake and cook up storms.
-Eat natural, healthy foods. I used to be a complete health nut and would not eat anything with food addictive. This needs to come back.
-Run often. It's the most liberating and free feeling in the world :) Other than riding my bike of course.
-Put money into my debt. Instead of shopping constantly it's time to pay off loans.
-Go thrifting. Kind of ironic to be below the previous statement, but I love the vintage style and feel that I need to add more of this to my wadrobe.
-Volunteer! It's time that I donate to the poor and go to help more. I used to help girls with eating disorders and who were abused. I feel as though this really helped me in the process of helping them.
-Enjoy Chicago. So often I take for granted living in such an incredible city that people dream of living in. Museums, the lake, just being in the loop is something I plan on doing.
-Work on acting. I have such a passion for acting and I feel as though I've kind of just given it up.
-Travel more (when time and funds permit) I love traveling and intend to make a list of goal places to visit within the next year.
-Take more long car rides. Though gas has become pricey I feel that trips to other areas of the midwest will help me further exercise my mind.
-Have more deep conversations with intelligent people.
-Write every time the opportunity presents itself.
-See more concerts even if it just involves local bands.
-Mange my time more effectively and waste less time on this silly interweb.
So those are just a few of a much longer, more detailed list. I want more than anything to accomplish a lot this year. I feel that this year is going to be different and that it is time to start living again. I feel wonderful today and I know that with work I could make myself even more incredible and most of all be happy. My heart loves being happy and the only way to accomplish this and allow my heart to feel this sensational feeling is to do things that I love and that cause this emotion. I'm going to continue to be who I am and never allow myself to be lost again. I am beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and have so much going for me and I finally feel comfortable with who I am. I have never been more proud of myself or certain that things will only get better from here. Life is only has beautiful and glorious as you make it and it is precious. I love you all I hope you had a wonderful new year <3
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe