There is such thing as too caring.

I find so much inspiration from people that I have in my life. Yesterday my Father and Vivian really put a lot in perspective for me. In these conversations I realized that I in fact am guilty of caring too much. Now I want to differentiate having care for someone from caring too much. I care about my family, friends, boyfriend, etc... What makes caring for someone different from caring too much is that it goes beyond relational care. That is, I care too much about occurrences, events, and experiences in life. I need to just live and live not for others, but myself. I always found happiness from making others happy, but I have to do what makes me happy and not bank on making other people being happy to make myself happy. I am an independent woman and I work my butt off. I have every right to be proud of myself and I don't really care how overzealous and conceited that sounds. Vivian told me that she looked up to me for all that I do and the fact that I am younger than her doing this. I never really thought I was something to look up to. I'm just me and I find that everyone is special in their own way, but I do work extremely hard. I'm constantly being put down by certain people in my life and I feel as though I don't do enough and I don't satisfy others, but it shouldn't be about satisfying someone else. Me working and doing what I want should be about satisfying myself. Life should be about doing things for yourself and if you can experience things with others well then that's even better, but life should not be lived for others.

I'm starting to realize that I preach being understanding and I am not as understanding as I preach. I claim that I'm a perfect communicator, but I'm not. I'm not perfect and I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've treated people irrationally and I have acted like a frightened chicken who's head is about to be cut off. As graphic as that description is, it's the truth. My father told me that I care too much. I'm so worried about the future, how people feel, what I'm doing next, how I'll get through the week, but I need to just focus on being happy and living. I need to live in the moment and not care so much about silly petty things. Honestly, I feel as though I destroy a lot of my own relationships and friendships because I act like a worried mother. I'm so concerned about their well being, where they are, what they are doing, but I don't take time to just listen to their stories and understand issues going on in their lives. Life is too short to be the worried mother, besides someday I will have my own kids and play the worried mother to them I shouldn't be worried now. I need to live for the moment and sweat the small stuff so much.

I really love my jobs, both of them. Sure one is physically demanding and the other can be stressful at time, but the stress kind of makes me appreciate the breather moments I have like today. I admire my relationships and such a lot more when I'm able to listen to the person and not attempt to give them advice that isn't fit for them. When I was listening to Vivian yesterday and my Father I just kind of listened for once. I didn't interject with some profound logic that came to my head. I didn't attempt to lecture them on some scholarly work I read that could relate to their situation, instead I agreed with them. I really did agree with them, because I could feel that they were happy. Life can be conflicting, and a lot of times we are uncertain about things. We just have to live to learn we can't predict the future. We can't dictate to someone what they should or should not do. The best thing we can do is to just be there for someone and listen to them. Encourage the good and don't say too much about the bad.

I desire more than anything to go back to living for myself. The first thing I'm going to do to do such things is buy myself the TV I have been wanting to get for a while with my hard earned money. This won't be for a few months until I save some money and am sure I have the funds, but I deserve a gift to myself for all of my hard work. I know it sounds selfish, but it would make me happy. I also want to go out more and enjoy life. I know it's hard to do so with my crazy work schedule and life in general, but I think it's important to get back in that car of mine and drive like I used to. It's important for me to just live and be spontaneous. I sit in my room alone most nights and just kind of mope around. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but being at home constantly leads me to this worry and caring. I know if I went out and just did things I used to love doing I'd be a lot happier and probably a more productive person. Nobody is holding me back but myself. I have been doing these things to me and if I really loved myself I would not continue down the path I am. I suppose the lord has spoken to me and told me what things I must work on improving.

We are all human and we all make mistakes. We have to constantly reform ourselves, but we must not cater to others desires. I am happy with who I am and will not settle for less than I deserve in life. I am going to treat myself and live my life the way that I want to. Fall could not come any sooner, because I am certain that is the time to better myself. I am going to go pick apples and I am going to bake. I am going to dress cute to go to my other job and class (even if I look like death from my physical labor job) and I am going to fish. I'm not going to limit myself anymore and I am not going to expect so much. The less expectations we have the less disappointed we become. I am prepared to be a more understanding person and to stop caring so much about everything. Life is a beautiful thing and I feel this positive energy just flowing over me. I feel like I came out of some crazy coma that I've been stuck in and now I can see the light. I am blessed and life couldn't be anymore beautiful :]. I am lucky to have the relationship I do with the lord and the people he has blessed me with. I finally found answers and I am so grateful!

<3
Alexis Zoe