Coping with Loss

DISCLAIMER TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains information about depression and suicide that may trigger those with mental health conditions. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.

I am writing this blog as to not burden all those on my Facebook page with my ramblings. This blog also contains sensitive information that I rarely like to discuss so please if you will pass judgement on me based on what I have to say discontinue reading. It's difficult to see any optimism when life seems to beat you down so much. When so much of what you love and cherish is ripped from you in a moments notice. I am aware we all deal with a significant loss in our lives at some point, but no loss is the same. Any moment I mention my pain it always seems redirected, and I am left feeling forgotten. My pain almost doesn't seem tangible. I have always been the one to comfort. When I comfort I feel good, but I also desire to be comforted.

If anyone knows me they know I've been a fan of Linkin Park for nearly 20 years. There was only 10 years of my life without Linkin Park in it. They helped me through times when I didn't think I'd make it through life, when I was bullied, called fat, whale, pushed into lockers, brought into chat rooms to be harassed. There were days starting in middle school I didn't want to go. I stopped wearing my favorite color, purple, for years because someone asked me if I was wearing purple because I was round like a grape. I became self destructive at an early age. I suffered from an mental disorder (I do not wish to share about because I am ashamed) that dealt with self image for all of high school and undergrad. I engaged in other self destructive behavior. I was crying for help and nobody answered. Nobody understood. Everyone thought my life was perfect and I didn't have a right to feel the pain that I felt. My only saving grace during that stage of my life was Linkin Park. I could feel the emotion in their music, I felt like they were the only ones in the world to understand my pain. On days I felt like I was living in complete hell I would scream the lyrics to crawling at the top of my lungs. It made me feel free. It made me feel less numb.

On top of being bullied I dated abusive men, because I was convinced I had no self worth. That I was an idiot, ugly, undesirable, disgusting, etc. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something, but as my boyfriends said,  I was just as worthless as I thought and I began to believe that. I constantly tried to be better to prove that I wasn't worthless. To prove that I could do great things. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried it was never enough. It got to the point where I expected to be cheated on because of how horrible I was. I remember finding out that one of my boyfriends cheated on me and he was staying at my house. He said he'd leave, but I said it was late and he could stay. I went to the family room with my headphones, blasted Linkin Park, and cried all night. My body, my mind, everything was in physical pain. That night I wrote and listened to Linkin Park to get me through. I listened, I wrote, so that I would not be self destructive.

People think if you self harm, have an eating disorder, are depressed, or have another mental condition that you did it yourself. I can't tell you how many people told me that I was the source of my problem. That I should just be "happy" and that I was "lucky" to have the life I had. Reading some of the comments upon the death of Chester Bennington I see the same sort of dismissive behavior "He had it all", "If he died then I'm screwed", "Coward", "Selfish". There are a lot of great supportive comments, but it's those dismissive comments that are the problem and why so many silence themselves when they are feeling so low. The "it could always be worse" guilt trip. The "your life isn't half bad". Or perhaps one of the worst is the "Well this happened to me, and I have it worse" comments. No two people cope with or deal with pain the same way. I volunteered hundreds of hours to a free help site in high school and college. I mentored young men and women struggling with sexual abuse, physical abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. I can tell you from talking to all those individuals not a single one of them had the same experience. Yes, there were patterns, but many dealt with it in some unique way. To try and compare your experience to everyone else's is so flawed beyond belief. I can't tell you how many times I've said my mom or brother died and someone went right into their own experience. I was 22 when I lost my mom. You were 45. Yes the pain is still bad, but there is no way our experience is the same with that big of an age gap. Even if there wasn't a huge age gap, the experience was still unique. I understand trying to relate, but maybe if we just listened instead of trying to relate it would make more of a difference. It's what I try to do if someone comes to me. Just listen. Because so many of us fail to do so.

Everyday is a new day for me with my own experiences of depression. As a professional, I don't feel like I can talk about half the stuff I would hope to share in fear of being judged. I also view it as my responsibility to educate people about these issues that are so often not talked about. I often find myself torn between wanting to share my emotions, feelings, and experiences so that others feel less alone. However, I also silence myself and don't share a lot in fear of judgement. It's a painful dichotomy to be trapped in. So I find most days I fake a smile. I overextend and work myself to forget that I'm even really living. I figure if I am too busy to think, then I won't feel depression.

Chester's passing has triggered a pain I have pushed down further and further since my brother died. Just like my brothers death triggered a pain I pushed down with the loss of my mom. I push these feelings so far that I have periods where I'm not sure how to function. This band, the band that got me, the band that helped me through so much pain..... will never be the same if they even continue to make music. I am not this fanatical usually, but this is different. As I write this I listen to them and I am pained to know that the one group that made it better for me is dealing with this loss. Depression is no joke. Pain is no joke. So many people turn away in fear and are not sure how to respond to someone who is depressed. This is why we need more programs, more education, and more research on suicide. So that we can be better equipped to help people. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. 44,193 people die of suicide each year (2016). There is an average of 121 people who will die each day to suicide. And yet, suicide and depression is one of the few things I hear about. We rarely talk about it as an issue. Recently, more celebrities have been trying to spread awareness, but it is about more then that. It is about creating an open space where people can talk. Where people won't feel judged. Where people aren't concerned that saying "I'm depressed" or "feeling suicidal" will ruin their careers, personal relationships, and reputation. I certainly fear these issues just by writing this very vulnerable blog. However, if I can help someone in writing I will continue to.

To give you an idea of how my brain and emotions work while listening to a Linkin Park Song, I'm going to show you those feelings as I listen. One more light became my favorite song just before Chester took his life. Those feelings

Should have stayed, were the signs, I ignored.
What could I have done for those I've lost to suicide? I lost a girl I mentored for years online and I blamed myself to this day. If I would have said the right thing, maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have saved her. What about my brother? I had to have known there were signs. Why could I not do more?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore
I think of this every time I have had someone come to me with a problem or just to cry. I want to take away their pain if I can. I want to help them. When my mom died she was in a great deal of pain and I remember being in the room wishing that I could take her pain. The worst feeling in the world is to know someone is in emotional or physical pain and you can't do anything. Or you think you could have done more. 
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep
The world is full of such cruelty, judgement, and hateful people. Sometimes the best times in life are when you are just with those who you feel the closest to, who can't hurt you. 
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
The love, the relationships of those that have passed. We sometimes can't keep that love, but we can have it at some point. I will never meet anyone like my mom. People don't understand that love of a mother is gone for me. I will never have her back. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
There are millions of people in the world, so what does it matter if one person dies? I care when I hear about any death, those that touch me and those that don't. Those people all had something or effected someone in some way and now they are gone. 
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
This lyric really influenced me. It made me realize just how fragile we are. So many people just forget when someone dies. Or they think that you need to "get over" or "move on" from that death. You never move on when a loved one passes away, you learn to live with the pain. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take away your pain. It kills me that my husband, if I have kids: my kids, and so many others that have come into my life will NEVER meet my mother. They will know her stories, but never her. We are more then a moment to be forgotten. We are a legacy to leave on. 
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do
I care too much as a hyper empath. 

The reminders pull the floor from your feet
When I am reminded of my mom or my brother I feel as though I'm literally falling down an endless pit. These lyric touches me so much. My mom's birthday is 07/28 her death anniversary is 04/04. Same goes for the anniversaries/birthday for my brother. I do not want to do anything on those days, but cry and allow myself to feel the pain. They remind me of happy days, but also the most painful days of my life. July 20th will go down as one of the most painful days for me. Because now when I listen to Linkin Park all I can think about his death. The group that changed my life, was with me, understood me, is gone :(
In the kitchen one more chair than you need
There will always be 2 places gone; one for my mom and one for my brother. Christmas will never be the same. Holidays in general suck. Things change so much and you are expected to just carry on and deal with it. I'm tired of dealing with it.
Ohhhhhh and you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
This lyric.... changed.... me. This changed me before hearing the news of Chester, but now it means even more. I can't tell you how unfair I've felt that I lost my mom, my brother, and dealt with the pain of bullying and abuse. I always tried to be a good person. I have always wanted to help people and do things for people. Knowing that I had to deal with so much loss so early on and deal with bullying and pain just makes me feel angry and like I've been dealt a bad hand. But we have a right to feel that way. Few people will say "you deserve to feel that way" or "you should feel that way" or "it's okay to feel that way, you have a right to". It is so important to acknowledge and legitimize peoples feelings. 
Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
My mom suffered from depression too, but you could see what ailed her. She had cancer and was very apparently sick. People seem to assume that if you don't look sick or you seem fine, that you are. Mental illness is invisible. You can't see when someone is in pain. I feel that there are some that have depression that are able to hide it amazingly because they've learned how to over the years. Even those with disabilities you can't always see. For instance, I'm hearing impaired and many people don't know that because my hearing aids are small and for years I didn't wear hearing aids. That is why depression and mental illness are so lethal, it's because we often don't see it and so out of sight out of mind. Look for the warning signs. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do

I'm going to end this blog by saying that I can't thank Linkin Park enough for how they have personally touched my life. I am completely at a loss and heartbroken over this and I don't know that I will ever really be able to cope with this loss, just as I never will cope with the loss of my mom or brother. I will learn, as I always do, how to manage the pain enough to get me by and hopefully use this experience as a means of helping others. Please know that you don't have to suffer alone if you are reading this and need someone to talk to I will always be a listening ear.

Letting go. The hardest, but most rewarding thing to do.

For those that know me, they know that pain and grief aren't unfamiliar to me. In fact, in the last I'd say 10 years I've dealt with and tried to manage some of the worst experiences of my life. What I've learned as a result of suffering from tremendous grief and loss, is that people always feel theirs is worse. This is understandable, considering their own experiences are closest to them. Unfortunately, people are inherently selfish, and even I can be at times. Losing people I love is the worst pain I've experienced; however, the aftermath of loss is comparable. I've had people say unbelievable things to me that I never fathomed were possible. I had not experienced something so uncomfortable to talk about, nor had I encountered such evil in the world. For instance, I've had people say that I need to get over the losses I've had, deal with it, ask if I was close to the deceased, attack me for decisions I've made in my life, wish bad things upon me, and not be mindful before speaking. Regardless of how much you dislike someone, or don't care about someone these sorts of things are unacceptable. I would never wish harm upon someone. I try with my greatest will to not say insensitive statements to those in pain. If I don't know what to say, which happens, I don't say anything at all. It's not worth causing the other person unnecessary pain. I've been reading more and more from Buddhism to help me make sense of these difficult experiences. In doing so, I've learned that those who hold a grudge or ruminate on those painful words are the ones who truly lose. This is--in part--because the person who said the hurtful messages are most likely not still thinking about it, especially those that are self-centered. Thus, the quote demonstrates perfectly what occurs when you hold a grudge for an extensive period of time, you are hooked. You smile less, and become miserable over words.

I don't think that people realize grief doesn't end after a year. Not unless they've

personally experienced grief. Grief is an ongoing process through which you try to pull yourself back up. Sometimes this process is daily, sometimes it's weekly, or some that manage grief better only need a monthly pick me up. For me, when my mom died, this was a daily process. When people say "time heals pain/wounds" what they really mean is that you learn how to manage the pain a bit better. The pain doesn't heal and does not go away. It leaves a permanent scar. In special moments, when you wish the person could be present for you it reopens the wound a bit. When I was grieving I isolated myself quite a bit. 4 years after my moms death I finally began to get myself some help to deal with the grief, which I felt would cause me to be ridden with stigma. However, people were very supportive. The counselor I was seeing told me that I was allowed to have my feelings and express them. In addition, he said that the most important thing that you can do for yourself is to cut out the negative energy and people in your life. Regardless of a grudge someone holds or a disliking toward you, there is no reason to wish bad upon them or attempt to manipulate them in a negative way. I felt selfish at the thought of even doing this, but I learned that your own individual happiness should always be a priority. If you aren't happy, then you aren't really living. And as Morrie said in Tuesdays with Morrie, you only learn to live when you learn to die. I had many loved ones pass away in my life, but the last two losses I experienced were very close to me. I thought about the quote from Morrie and realized that if these losses taught me anything it is to live. To do what makes me happy and expel negative energy from my life. As I've learned to do this, and not guilt trip myself for what I classified as being "selfish" I've been much happier. Things still get to me, but I'm learning to better manage them.

Another important lesson I've learned about people is that many say insensitive things or attack  you because they are miserable themselves. The quote seems to reign true that "misery loves company". It's sad that people would want pain for you, because they feel it. In addition, some people just don't understand how to provide comfort, and in doing so say things they don't realize are hurtful. As someone who cares deeply about providing comfort, I feel it's so important we learn the right things to say and figure out what someone needs. If someone is unable to be helped, or you don't know what to say either seek out help for them, or let them be. Chances are, by not saying something you have less of a chance of hurting them tremendously. We tend to remember the negative messages that people share with us, because it's easy to ruminate on the negative, rather then the positive.

Finally, what I've learned as a result of my research, my experiences, and my overall life journey

is that there will be positive and negative experiences in life. The best that you can do is embrace the positive and try to be mindful of the negative. Rather then lashing out at someone talk to them. Try to understand their perspective, and get out of your own head. If someone is negative toward you do what you need to remain happy. I know this is cliche, but we really only live one life. Life is so short to hang onto negative energy. The world needs more kindness and less hate. If that hasn't been evident, I don't know what will make people see that. Sometimes, people don't want your advice, they just want you to listen. My husband and my brother Nick have just listened to me recently, and the listening and not saying much was so much helpful then what many people try to say to me. Just being present, listening, not being self-centered, and caring is what true kindness is. I love what I do in my life, because I am present and listen. I want to help people. I want to make their lives better. And I wish nothing but goodness upon them. With a world ridden with loss, disease, pain, grief, mental illness, and disabilities we need all the kindness and goodness that we can get. Spread love, not hate. Enact kindness, not cruelty. Be mindful, not thoughtless.

It's been a while since I blogged, but I just felt a compelling urge to write. To express my feelings to a computer screen. I hope that you enjoyed my blog, and that this helped bring some joy, thought, or inspiration to you today. Know that I will be a listening ear should you need one, and that I'm thinking happy vibes for you.

A Thank You to my Readers

For those who have followed and read my blogs throughout the years, I want to send over a warm thank you. Your comments, readership, and companionship has both inspired me and helped me during times when I needed it most. For those who never commented, but read I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read my blogs. I realize in the many years I've blogged I have not yet reached out to my readers and said thanks.

I realize the last few years I have not been posting as much on my blog. However, I want to change that. My blog is my sanctuary. Written word is an art and craft that I have been blessed with. In life, sometimes we can become lost. Not sure of our true purpose or potential. I have suffered from a tremendous amount of loss at a young age, losing my mother and my older brother. However, I still managed to accomplish more than I give myself credit for.

I'm sure many can relate, but often we are our own worst enemies. We consistently put ourselves down, saying that we "aren't capable". I've done this throughout my life, even before all of the trauma suffered. However, I'm finding that I must give myself credit where credit is due. I am *fingers crossed* approaching the end of my dissertation. I have secured a position that I am in love with in a town that I have grown to love. I have a husband who loves me with all of his heart. I fulfilled a dream by getting a hedgehog. He's pictured below. Many good things have happened for me, but I have been blinded by own darkness.

My goal is to live healthier, happier, and more simple. In addition to some lifestyle changes I will be going through I am also hoping, once the dissertation is complete, that I am able to write my own book. Of course, I'll let each of you know if, scratch that WHEN, it happens. This blog was really meant to just reach out to each of you, and let you know I am thinking of you. When all seems hopelessly optimistic I want you to know you can comment on here and talk to me. I'm only a comment away. Thanks again and looking forward to posting more in the future. 

xoxo

Lexy

To those who still read, I could use your help.

Hello! As many of you know, I am a doctoral student in the Department of Communication Studies at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. My research centers on health communication processes, and I am conducting research that I hope will improve our understanding of supportive communication between social networks and family caregivers of patients with cancer. As someone who has provided care to a patient with cancer, I am interested in
conducting research that is aimed at better understanding the memorable, supportive messages that are shared with family caregivers in cancer.

To participate: Participants in the states of Nebraska and Alabama must be at least 19 years old or older to participate, participants in the state of Mississippi must be at least 21 years old to participate, and participants in all other states must be at least 18 years old to participate. If you meet these requirements, and are a current or former family caregiver of a patient with cancer, and have 20-30 minutes to complete an online survey, you can participate in the study by clicking on this link: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/request-assistance-cancer-caregiving-research-alexis-johnson?trk=prof-post

Working Towards a Better You

As a reflect on the past four years I can safely assert that I have in fact neglected the most important
person in my life, myself. While my mom was sick with cancer, I had a new found appreciation for life. I realized that we are fragile, and much like a beautiful piece of art, we can shatter. Sometimes we can pick the pieces back up and recreate the piece into a beautiful mosaic. Other times, the glass is unable to be repaired. I chose to take the pieces that shattered from my mom's terminal cancer diagnosis and created a new, but beautiful picture. A picture of a life I always desired, but could never achieve. I went on for a Masters degree, finding enrichment through education. I worked out daily, which felt freeing when and helped to reduce life stressors. I was at a healthy weight, where I was feeling confident in my looks, abilities, and self. My health seemed to finally be back on the right path. I was dedicated to facilitating change both through my research and my commitment to my community. I recall putting on my reduce, reuse shirt and riding my bike to the blue line train. I got off the train, with spidey (my bike) by my side and celebrated earth day with hundreds of other people hoping to save the animals, environment, and our home (Earth). In that moment, at the Earth Day Celebration, I felt as though I had finally discovered who I was. Somewhere between that moment to the present I think I lost my way. As mentioned is previous blogs, I lost my path.

I'm not sure if the major loss of my older brother has caused me to reevaluate my life choices, but I certainly think it has sparked something within me. I realize the past 4 years I've been slowly digging my own grave. First, the stress that I have experienced in the past 4 years has been indescribable. There were moments I was wondering how I was still even able to exist. Rather than viewing education as a gift, I began to view it as a pressure. I constantly felt not good enough, and as though I was not worthy. I know it's not uncommon for people to have impostor syndrome, but I felt as though mine was getting the best of me. Second, my physical health began to deteriorate. I slowly gained all of my weight back and then some. I have been the heaviest I have been since high school, and am disappointed and enraged at myself. I made a promise when I lost over 100 pounds that I would never let myself get that big. Here I am 4 years later twice as heavy. I worked incredibly hard to take off the weight and can't believe I am back at square one. Third, I have put aside my own desires and passions to appease to others. I feel as though I am selfish when I do something for me. And at times, I really want to say "I JUST WANT A DAY ABOUT ME", but I continue to struggle with that. Additionally, I have allowed others to bully me and even make me feel bad. It is my assumption, that most people, don't truly want to hurt you. We can and often do say hurtful things that aren't indicative of how we feel. I can, and should, tell people when they say these things.

The past two days I've tried very hard to be a better me. To remember the maybe 2 years I was happy
in my life (aside from my childhood). I had a routine and I enjoyed my routine. I was productive, felt accomplished, and most importantly was proud of the person I was. I'm not proud of myself. I am not happy with what is going on in my life. Even though I haven't woken up at the time I want (I'm finding it completely impossible to wake up these days) I force myself to do what I had planned to do at that time. For example, the past two days I have biked 5 miles a day and swam for at least 30 minutes a day. Even though my body is sore I pressed through. I almost gave up halfway through my swim today, but then I saw a cardinal. The cardinal landed on the post by the pool. It was a beautiful, bright red. The cardinal began to sing one of the most incredible songs I have heard in nature. I continued to swim and it continued to sing. It felt as though the cardinal was singing to me and telling me to keep going. When the cardinal finally left, I paused for a moment and felt as though it was my brother, mom, or perhaps both. I believe in my heart, that it was a message to keep going. To keep fighting the darkness and to work towards my happiness. To be the person I consider "better". Today I am blogging. I want to continue to blog my emotions, feelings, and get back to my own personal writing. Writing brought me clarity and allowed me to cope with difficulties. And as a narrative scholar, I've come to learn that writing is cathartic.

I want to be a better person, and find my happiness again and not just for myself. I want to be happy and strong for my dad, who is going through something unimaginable. I want to be there for my sister and show her undeniable love. I want to be the best sister I can to my younger brother, who I know struggles daily. Most of all, I want to be happy for my husband so that he remembers why he married me. I also want to accomplish what I have set out to do from the start, to help people. I want to educate students and have them come to me and talk to me. I want to be the person that helps to guide them and makes them feel as though they can bring the skills they learn in the classroom into their lives. I want to continue to research cancer and illness, even though it hurts me and reopens wounds. Not because I want to be sad, but because I want others who have had to face what I have not to feel alone. Each year I want to do something for my mom and brother to show them that I am thinking of them.

Because Jay loved nature so much, I'm planning on doing something for him while in Arkansas.
Maybe going by the mountainside and saying a prayer for him. Maybe just having a fire and remembering him and telling stories. For my mom, I want to continue to light a candle. I also want to keep alive her love for life, desire to help others, and her fashion sense. In order to accomplish all of this I need to find my happy place. I need to do what makes me happy first so that I can be a better person for all of the people I love so much. I know I will get to where I need to be, I just need to believe in myself and have the confidence I once did. I have a paper accepted to NCA, I have the front end of my dissertation almost complete, and I have a tenure-track position with people I am greatly looking forward to working with. I can do this.

XOXO
Lex

Haunted

For much of my life I was haunted by pains that seemed so unbearable at times I didn't want to be here. While some of these thoughts plagued me for years, and some still do I have never had the courage to leave. I have experienced a tremendous amount of loss for my age, and I am and forever will be haunted by this notion. When I lost my mother, I thought that life could not get worse. I hoped, and to some extent, believed that I would not have to endure another loss in the near future. 4 years later I feel myself breaking down, the ground seems to be falling from beneath me, and I am dealing with the loss of my older brother.

When my mother got cancer, I vowed to make something positive out of it. I wanted to help people. My need to help people overtook me, and I became set on doing research to help people. More importantly, I realized that there weren't that many people at my age who had to deal with or see what I saw. When I did meet people who experienced the same loss I felt relieved, in a weird way. I wanted to do something to bring young adults together who lost a parent to a terminal illness. However, in the quest to help, I find myself neglecting me own feelings, desires, and needs. I realize now more than ever that people truly don't know what to say when faced with loss. Telling me to move on from my mother tells me I should not still be grieving her, which I am. Asking me how close or how I was related to my older brother is like saying well you weren't close so it shouldn't affect you.

Each holiday, birthday, celebration, and major life event I am haunted by the fact that my mother will never be able to attend. She will never see the woman I grew up to be. It took me a long time to accept this, and to this day I still struggle. I still feel angry that I don't get to have my mother while others do. I still am envious of those have their parents see their weddings, major life events, and see their children stabilize. The pain and grief I still live with the loss of my mother will never truly go away. As I told my Father, you don't ever move on, but rather you keep going. You need to keep going to honor and allow the memory of your loved one to stay alive. I had Brandon and my wedding in Galena to honor my mother, because that was a place she always dreamed of me getting married. While most people would say, "wouldn't this make you sad?" I didn't get sad. It felt good to be having an important and life changing experience in a place that my mother and I shared such a connection. It was like she was there, if not physically, in spirit.

When I visited my mothers grave this weekend, I told her I was sorry for not taking care of my brother, but that I was trying to help people. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but I did. More than I ever thought I could. I put my hands on her grave and it felt comforting, but also reminded me that she is not here. I can never give my mother a hug. I can never tell her how I truly feel. I will never see her again.

My brother's passing has reminded me and open up wounds I've worked towards repairing from my mothers death. Seeing my brother made me flashback to my mom. However, this was even more painful. My brother and I shared a love for music. He had his band play music to my lyrics because I always wanted to be in a band. I don't think he knew how meaningful that was to me. I was heavily bullied in high school. The music I listened to was my life and is what helped me cope with the pain. I always wished I could be in a band like him or my younger brother, but I knew it would never happen for me. That one song gave me so much joy. I've listened to it about a 100 times and just keep thinking about how that changed my life. It is a testimate to what kind of person my brother was. I knew eventually I would lose my parents. While I lost my mom way too soon, I never thought I'd lose a sibling, at least not so young. I never thought someone I loved would be in so much pain that they would take their own life.

I think this has affected me so much, because I've been in such a dark place that I didn't want to be here. Some of these blogs I'm sure alluded to my pain and suffering. I was bullied, cheated on, lost my childhood home, ran into financial issues, and been sick most of my life. My mom dying made everything else seem trivial and this makes life seem just way too short. We spend so much of our lives worrying about everything, working so hard, and at the end of the day what do we have to show for ourselves? Possessions? I worry everyday. I am so paranoid and so concerned about the future that I become too blind to see what's important in the moment. On the way home from Chicago, I'm fairly certain I may have had a mini stroke. Despite the loss of two important people and a scare of losing mobility of my body I still worry. I don't want to be consumed by pain and worry, but some days it's difficult to control. I think about my brother and what could have drove him to do what he did. I miss him and wish that I could hug him. I hadn't talked to him since Christmas, and the guilt that I feel is tremendous. Moving away from my family was one of the most difficult decisions I made in my life. Knowing that I missed out on so much of my brothers life and couldn't be there right away for my family pains me still.

I want to move forward and just want some of the stress and worry to go away. I'm not sure how I will get to that point. Some days I feel crazy and unable to do much of anything. I still do have many people in my life that I love, including my husband, dad, brother, sister, and nieces/nephew. I still can't get over that I could lose one of them. I think about it and I get depressed and worried. I just hope that I can find peace and that I can eventually get to where I want to be. I will always miss and be sad that I lost my mother and brother, but I will do my best to allow their memories to be a present part of my life.

The Air Around Me Still Feels Like a Cage

Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there. Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I can not ache. I don't deserve to have you. Oh my smile was taken long ago if I can change I hope I never know.

I was on the path towards light. The darkness that surrounds my heart. The bitterness that I had towards losing my mother, the bullying, and my other issues was feeling manageable to say the least. A little over a year ago I had an ankle surgery which rendered my basically "useless" for several weeks. I could not walk on my own and had to care for myself most of the day. I experienced a pain that I had let stew within my for years. This pain completely took over my body. I could not function. I could not imagine getting up in the morning. I didn't want to do anything I loved anymore. Most of all, I began to push people away. I felt increasingly more uncomfortable talking to me, because of my dark thoughts. Some people who knew me became concerned and were there and could see the signs of depression that were coming out. Others could not empathize with me. I reached out for help. I was in the lowest of places. I had not dealt with my pain for so long that it was coming full force. I just wanted to make sure that everyone else was okay.

I know where my low place was. I know how detrimental it was for me. I can't even imagine the pain my brother was experiencing. I lost my brother and it's been a very difficult loss for me. I feel so much pain for my father and sister. I'm so concerned about their well-being and what I can do in this experience. I want more than anything to be there to comfort them. I'm also feeling as though I almost feel connected to this in some way. Not that I caused anything, but just because of how I've felt in the past. I've been in a place where I thought life was not worth living. I became engulfed by a darkness that I believed would never pass. I will miss and pray for my older brother. I wish more than anything I could have talked to him. I think about how I wish I had spent more time with him and got to know the person he was more. Our love of music connected us and was something we could talk about. In his honor, I've been listening to some of his music but also music we both had a love for.

I just keep listening to a lostprophets song over and over again, called rooftops. I feel like going to the top of the tallest building and just screaming. While I continue to work towards remaining positive, it's difficult. I keep slipping back into the why me mentality. I'm not sure what more I want to say today, but I am praying for my family. I hope that this pain can get better in time for us. I love them all so much, and wish nothing more than their happiness.